Fic: "Burden of Command" -John/Liz
Title: Burden of Command
Author: Kris Russel
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Pairing: John/Elizabeth
Rating: PG
Category: Angst
Spoilers: ‘Common Ground’
Summary: “I ordered you to let me die. I can’t image what I put you all through.” (post "Common Ground")
Disclaimer: Not mine and will never be mine.
Author’s Note: Huge thanks to my beta Theo who has the ability to make my fics look better than they actually are.
John Sheppard stood on the balcony outside of the control room, breathing in the salty air and watching the stars. It felt good to be home again.
Since coming to the Pegasus galaxy there had been only a few occasions when he had really thought himself to be a dead man… this despite the fact that danger was in no short supply in this little corner of the universe. His latest brush with death had been such an occasion. John shuddered as he remembered -no, *felt*- how close he had come to dying.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, reveling in the sensation of the fresh salty air and the quiet sounds of the ocean.
When the door to the balcony hissed open, he knew who it was before a word had been said.
Elizabeth froze in her tracks. “John… I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were here. You probably want to be alone.”
He quickly turned to her.
“No, please. Stay. I just spend a day and a half with a Wraith. I could use some human companionship right now.”
For an instant he saw worry flash across her face though she hid it well. Elizabeth was good at that sort of thing, but John was quite good at reading her.
She came up next to him, in front of the railing, simply looking out over the city and the dark ocean.
For a few comfortable moments it stayed quiet between the two commanders.
“I’m sorry.” John muttered after a while.
She turned to him in surprise.
“John, you have nothing to be sorry about.”
“I do. I ordered you to let me die. I can’t image what I put you all through.”
“Don’t do this to yourself. Yes, it was… extremely difficult.” She closed her eyes for a moment; trying to banish the images she knew would fuel her nightmares for a very long time. “But you know that it’s our policy not to negotiate with terrorists. Even if you hadn’t given that order, you know I never would have given in.”
For a moment he wanted to glare and even yell at her. Would she really have sacrificed him for the sake of policy? But then he saw her eyes, they showed sadness and loss and so much more and he knew that putting his life on the line was one of the worst decisions she ever had to make.
“I’m still sorry. There must have been something we could have done to avoid this entire situation, like checking in with Ladon before going to that planet.”
“We went without checking because we trust Ladon. I still trust him. If anyone’s to blame for this entire screw-up, it’s me. I was the one to send you there in the first place.”
John let out a sigh. This was something they would never resolve. They were both too stubborn to admit neither of them had any blame for this.
“You know what? Let’s blame Kolya. He’s the bastard that put us through all of this in the first place. He’s the one who ambushed us and fed me to that Wraith.”
She winced visibly at his mention of the Wraith and the images of seeing him age in front her, the way he was barely alive the last time she saw him flashed before her eyes again… He saw the pain written all over her face. He knew what she was thinking about.
“Elizabeth?”
She looked up to him.
“I’m ok. I know that’s hard to imagine after what I went through, but I really am ok.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” She could see he was telling the truth, that he wasn’t just trying to make her feel better, yet she still felt bad.
He could easily read that doubt on her face. He knew her too well.
“I really am ok, Lizbeth.”
She gave him a short nod. “I know. It’s just hard to imagine with what you went through.”
“I get that. But that Wraith gave me back what he took and even though I admit that him feeding on me really wasn’t a fun experience… On the contrary, I hope never to live through that again… I am perfectly fine now.” Ok, so maybe perfectly was stretching it a bit.
She looked at him skeptically, knowing he was overdoing it. Right now he really was just trying to make her feel better.
“No need to act all tough in front of me, John.”
“I’m not.”
Another skeptic look.
“Aww, come on, ‘Lizbeth. It’s practically in my job description.” John whined playfully.
Elizabeth crossed her arms in mock disapproval. “What? Acting all tough or having me worry about you all the time.”
John laughed. “Both actually. But I didn’t overdo it when I said I’m fine. I really am.”
“Alright. Still… if you need to talk. You know my door is always open. 24/7.”
He nodded. “Thank you.”
“Don’t hesitate to come to me, John.”
“I won’t.” He promised before she stepped towards the door.
“Elizabeth?”
She turned back to him before exciting.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, John. Have a good night.”
“You too.”
Then he was alone again. Talking to her had done him a world of good, but he knew the images of today would haunt both their dreams for a long time. They both knew he would never take her up on her offer to come and talk to her. He didn’t want to put her through more as her job was already hard and demanding enough as it was. He shouldn’t be giving her a reason to doubt her decision the next time she needed to sacrifice his life. He simply couldn’t do that to her.