I have no explanation
This... this just came at me out of nowhere this morning. And honestly, I toned alot of it down, both the darker aspects as well as the adult themes. I can't seem to stop writing dark stuff in this universe, can I?
Title: Loss
Universe: Sailor Moon, after the Stars series.
Rating: A solid PG13, I guess. Maybe R. Definatly adult themes and yuri content.
Summary: Rei reflects on the changes in lives of the Senshi as Usagi marries, and then becomes Serenity once and for all.
The wedding was over, the reception hall empty of all but the catering staff, and the four of us, the inner Senshi, were sitting at one of the tables off to one side. We’d kept up our smiles and happy faces, telling anyone who would listen how happy we were for our friend, what an amazing couple the two of them made, and how bright their future was. We made toasts, danced, laugh, and did everything we could to convince the world of one thing: that our hearts weren’t broken.
But now everything was over with, and we all sat, staring at the wall, or at each other, not able to say anything. Minako was nursing her third saucer of sake, Makoto and Ami both seemed… content is the wrong word… both seemed to prefer to just stare at the table. And I stared at the door, where Usagi and Mamoru had left only an hour before. I don’t know what I was waiting for, honestly. Maybe for her to run back in, and tell us it was just a joke, that she was still part of our circle. Maybe for a youma to rush in and attack, giving us something to focus on other than grief.
The silence was broken by the quiet clearing of a throat. As one, we looked up, into the amber eyes of Setsuna Meiou, Sailor Pluto.
“Uranus and Neptune took Saturn home already.” She said quietly, looking at the shot glasses and sake saucers already on our table. “Do any of you need a ride?”
“I’ve got a room upstairs.” Minako responded, a slight slur in her voice, but its monotone nothing like her usual bubbly persona. “There’s plenty of room for them.”
“Alright.” She agreed, then seemed to stare at each of us in the eye for a long moment. When she came to look at me, I could only look back, certain my eyes were as dead as I felt. “Are you girls going to be ok? You don’t look like your best friend just had the happiest day of her life.”
“We’re fine, Pluto.” Ami responded, almost spitting the name out. “Why don’t you Outers go do what you always do, and just disappear for awhile.”
Huh. Ami-chan’s apparently a bitter drunk.
Setsuna blinked. “Fine.” She said quietly. “But you need to clear the room so they can finish cleaning.”
The four of us looked at each other unsteadily, but seemed to nod as one. “C’mon girls.” Minako said finally. “I’ve got a wet bar. Room 232”
As we walked out, I felt my arm grabbed, and turned to regard a cool expression staring back at me. “What do you think Usagi would say if she knew this was how you celebrate her wedding?”
I looked back at her evenly. “I don’t really know. But it doesn’t matter. She will NOT find out.” I don’t know how I did it, but I’m certain there were flames reflected in my eyes as Setsuna seemed to gasp for a second, then nod and turn away quickly.
I followed the others upstairs, where Makoto was busily mixing drinks for us from the very well stocked bar in Minako’s suite. Ami had slumped into the chair against the wall, and Minako was on one of the beds, laying back and staring at the ceiling.
A few shots later, Mina decided that we needed something to take our mind off things, so we played truth or dare. It started out like any schoolgirl game would, with questions about boys, clothes, experiences, and things like that. It got racier for alittle while, with Minako daring us to flash each other, or asking about the last time we’d masturbated.
Then it all came crashing down around us when Ami began crying and asked. “How long have you been in love with her?”
We all sucked in a breath. It was an unspoken truth among us, not one we’d ever just come out and discussed before. We all loved Usagi. Not just as our princess, but who she was.
“Just after we’d gotten our memories back, when we were fighting Ail and En.” Minako admitted quietly. “Before I became Venus again.” She shrugged. “I realized what she gave up, how she tried to help us, and I just… fell.”
Makoto regarded her glass thoughtfully, swirling the deep brown liquid in it around. “Not too long after I met her.” She said finally. “I don’t know when exactly, but early on. She never saw me as an ‘amazon’ or as a bully. She has that way of worming into your heart and not letting you go. I don’t think she even realizes it.”
I was going to answer, but I looked over to Ami, who was still weeping, and reached for her first, pulling her into my arms. I think Mako-chan and Mina-chan realized that comfort was probably a good thing for this conversation, and soon mimicked our pose.
“The first day I saw her.” I admitted quietly. “Hell, before I even spoke to her. She shone to me like a star, and I knew… I KNEW that she’d be part of my life.”
We all looked at Ami-chan, who was trying to clear herself up to speak. “Same as Rei.” She whispered. “God… I’d never felt anything for ANYONE before like that. No one knew me, no one talked to me. Until she just came up to me, out of the blue, and… and I was hers.”
We all looked at each other, until I asked the next question. “Has anyone ever admitted it?”
Makoto sighed, “Almost.” She whispered. “We were talking about Haruka, when we found out she was a girl, and it didn’t matter to me. She asked me if I’d ever loved a girl before, and I almost said yes.” She sniffled, then looked piercingly at me. “What about you. You two always seemed to have something between you that we could never pin down.”
“I wish.” I whispered. “I-“ I cut myself off, as without warning, we all shivered where we sat, a feeling like none other ran down our spines. “Shit.” I whispered, figuring out first what had happened. “Its bad enough to KNOW what they’re doing… we have to FEEL it?”
I felt Ami squirm in my arms and I whimpered as the feeling struck again. I looked up at a gasp to see Makoto nibbling softly on Minako’s neck.
I wish I could tell you that what followed was us pairing off into destined couples, that we made love with a partner that suddenly made things all better. But life isn’t a fairy tale, and no matter what Anime suggests, the life of a magical girl sucks. We weren’t ‘making love,’ we had sex. In as many combinations as we could, partly out of need and partly because our damn princess didn’t know how to block the emotional link we had with her. When it was over, and I lay panting in Ami’s arms, with Mina and Mako on the other bed, I was weeping, and I wasn’t the only one. To a girl, each of us still felt an empty hole in our heart, one we knew would never be filled.
We… paired off… several times after that night. Minako and Makoto began going through boys like tissue paper, Ami was seen several times in the company of a cute little blonde from her juku, but… but I didn’t take any other lovers, other than the other inner senshi. Not because I felt like I would have been cheating on THEM, but because… really… no one could stand up to HER.
I’d cry myself to sleep at night, reliving events when I had a chance... when I could have spoken up and maybe… maybe…
Even now I’m fooling myself. There is no maybe. Usagi was destined for him. And together they would rule Crystal Tokyo, and the whole system. Maybe the galaxy.
Haruka asked me once, why we all seemed to have changed that day. She told me that she had loved Serenity as well, but that we seemed to be mourning the little bubble-head’s marriage. Not celebrating it. I coldly informed her that it wasn’t SERENITY who we followed. The princess had our loyalty, yes. But Usagi had our hearts. I think she may have understood.
It was two years later when the changes started. Usagi’s family had been killed in an accident, and Pluto assured us it truly was just an accident, and she called us together. I entered the room, and froze, because it wasn’t Usagi that sat at the head of the table in that conference room. It was Serenity. And at her side was Endymion.
She smiled, and explained that she had taken that last step, truly becoming who she was meant to be. Partly out of grief, she explained, but also because a threat to Earth was coming, one that would eventually lead to the frozen wasteland we had all seen in our trips to the future. She asked us to consider that final step as well. The outers agreed, and in a show of light, were transformed as well.
We Inners…
We felt our hearts break, as the bond we had with Usagi was replaced. We felt our princess now, but it was obvious that we SERVED her, we didn’t just follow her.
You know, that makes it sound sinister, I think. It wasn’t like that. She was… she was like an angel that the Christians talk about, asking us to serve mankind, to live a life of purity and love and justice.
But we refused. Over and Over again. The first night, just like the night of her wedding, we “commiserated” with each other again. This time with far more alcohol, mourning the ‘death’ of our love. The scene the following morning was almost like you would see in a magazine, our bodies slumped in a pile, furniture scattered and glass bottles shattered where we had thrown them in anger. Usagi was dead. Sure, Serenity, our princess and future queen, was still there, but it wasn’t Usagi. It wasn’t our cute, silly, klutzy, wonderful odango atama, It was the heir-apparent of the throne of her mother, the princess of the Silver Millenium, and future queen of Crystal Tokyo.
She never begged, never forced us to make that final transformation. But she would always look at us, whenever we had to transform to fight our enemies while the Outers always stood ready, as if we were children, learning our powers.
Minako cracked first, and I had the “pleasure” of watching Minako’s transformation. Golden chains, much like the attack she threw as Venus, wrapped around her body from all angles. I was reminded of that gaijin movie hellraiser, except it didn’t seem to hurt her. But it changed her. All of a sudden, her smile and her giggly attitude was erased by a face that seemed to be carved from marble, beautiful but distant. Aloof.
Serenity presented her with the Crystal Wink Sword, apologizing for throwing herself on it during the last battle. Venus, every bit the Senshi’s commander, accepted it, brushing away the apology, and sheathing the weapon at her hip. She joined the outers at their home, which had become the Senshi’s headquarters.
Makoto was next. She’d just looked at me, one day at dinner, and said she was tired of everything. That she’d been living alone long enough. I didn’t follow her, but I saw storm clouds gather and lightning strike the ground several times just a few minutes laters, and I wept for another of my friends.
I was beginning to understand the Black Moon family. Serenity was goodness personified, but… but it was the kind of “good” that seems… wrong… in the face of the entire human existence.
Ami and I spent a lot of time together after that, the last two “human” senshi. Until one day, I was woken from a deep sleep by her face next to me on the bed.
“I can’t do this anymore, Rei-chan.” She whispered. “I.. I can feel Serenity calling me. I WANT to go! It’s the right thing to do. The ice… the ice is coming, and we have to fight it.”
I held her to me, whispering that we didn’t have to change to fight. That it would be ok. But she was literally getting colder in my arms. I looked up and saw her lips turning slightly blue as she whispered. “Kiss me, Reichan.” I did, hesitantly, saying goodbye to my best friend. She shook in my arms, her body getting colder and colder, until suddenly, out of nowhere, she warmed up. I hoped… I prayed to every Kami in the universe, that she’d changed her mind, until I heard an amused voice.
“You can let go now, Sailor Mars.”
I pulled away, and saw Sailor Mercury, adorned in her fuku, a slight smile on her lips.
“A… Ami?” I whispered.
“No, Mars. Just Mercury now.”
As with all the others, she seemed to want to leave right away, but I grabbed her hand. “Wait… please! What… what happens? Are you still… Are you still you?”
She looked at me, and suddenly there was a more human emotion in her eyes than I have ever seen in the eyes of a Senshi. “It doesn’t hurt, Mars. But it changes you. I remember everything now. Walking in the ice palaces, deep inside planet Mercury. Fighting demons, youma… monsters of all kinds.” She brushed a lock of hair behind my ear as she spoke to me. “What’s 22 years of being Ami Mizuno, compared to the hundreds I’ve already lived as Mercury. We are eternal, Sailor Mars.” She squeezed my hands, telling me, as every Senshi did when they saw me, that they looked forward to me joining them, and winked out of existence, teleporting to her queen to tell her the happy news, no doubt.
So we didn’t die after we changed. We just didn’t matter. Well fuck you too, Serenity-sama.
Ami’s mother called me, frantic, the next day. Asking if I knew where her daughter was, when the last time I’d seen her had been. Apparently being a Senshi made them too good to explain things to their family.
I can feel the heat in my chest now, every time I transform. The fires of Mars are calling to me, day in and day out. It had been getting progressively more insistant as each Senshi… ascended, I guess. It was voice of a lover, one that you had strayed from on your own but that wanted you back. The voice of a parent, calling a wayward child home. Serenity’s voice. But I won’t give in. I am Hino Rei, by Kamisama, and I will NOT change that. Not for the Senshi. Not for Serenity. Not for the whole damn planet.
I would have for Usagi, I admitted to myself quietly. She could have asked me, and I would have done anything for her.
I’m in my room now, staring up at the ceiling, feeling my temperature rising. I guess I’m not being given the choice anymore. Serenity came and saw me today. She told me, in that regal voice of hers, that she understood, and that she didn’t hold it against me, but that I needed to understand that the magic inside me was getting restless. The others made a choice early on, but apparently this becomes inevitable at some point. She hugged me, like a mother hugging a naughty child, and told me that she loved me.
Damn you Serenity.
Damn you for saying the words I needed to hear before you changed.
…
And damn me for not being any stronger.
I should hold out, just like I swore I would. I should fight for the memory of my friends, and for my lost love, but my reason for fighting is gone now.
Ami… rather Mercury… said that we didn’t change too much. I can only hope. Maybe I’ll see Usagi again in the future. Maybe Serenity will remember that she used to be… used to be really important to us.
My hands are on fire. It should burn more, shouldn’t it? And it seems to be spreading.
I love you Usagi. I whispered, as I felt, rather than saw, the flames covering me, consuming everything I was. I hoped that, on the other side, things would make more sense, and I could be with my friends again.
Sailor Mars brushed the ashen remnants of the miko’s robes from her fuku, straightening the bow on her chest. She could hear Serenity’s calling in her mind, welcoming her home. It was funny, she reflected, looking around the little room, that human girls cared so much for things like musicians and stuffed animals. She supposed it was just one of those things that Serenity would explain to her. Oh, she had the memory of being Rei Hino, but it was just a short little memory of a childhood on earth. She also remembered hunting the wilds of Mars, and running barefoot around the palace in the days before her Senshi training. What was a boring human existence compared to that? In the meantime, there was a war to be fought, and her Queen was calling. She teleported away in a column of flame, briefly wondering what could have been so important to keep her from doing this before.
Title: Loss
Universe: Sailor Moon, after the Stars series.
Rating: A solid PG13, I guess. Maybe R. Definatly adult themes and yuri content.
Summary: Rei reflects on the changes in lives of the Senshi as Usagi marries, and then becomes Serenity once and for all.
The wedding was over, the reception hall empty of all but the catering staff, and the four of us, the inner Senshi, were sitting at one of the tables off to one side. We’d kept up our smiles and happy faces, telling anyone who would listen how happy we were for our friend, what an amazing couple the two of them made, and how bright their future was. We made toasts, danced, laugh, and did everything we could to convince the world of one thing: that our hearts weren’t broken.
But now everything was over with, and we all sat, staring at the wall, or at each other, not able to say anything. Minako was nursing her third saucer of sake, Makoto and Ami both seemed… content is the wrong word… both seemed to prefer to just stare at the table. And I stared at the door, where Usagi and Mamoru had left only an hour before. I don’t know what I was waiting for, honestly. Maybe for her to run back in, and tell us it was just a joke, that she was still part of our circle. Maybe for a youma to rush in and attack, giving us something to focus on other than grief.
The silence was broken by the quiet clearing of a throat. As one, we looked up, into the amber eyes of Setsuna Meiou, Sailor Pluto.
“Uranus and Neptune took Saturn home already.” She said quietly, looking at the shot glasses and sake saucers already on our table. “Do any of you need a ride?”
“I’ve got a room upstairs.” Minako responded, a slight slur in her voice, but its monotone nothing like her usual bubbly persona. “There’s plenty of room for them.”
“Alright.” She agreed, then seemed to stare at each of us in the eye for a long moment. When she came to look at me, I could only look back, certain my eyes were as dead as I felt. “Are you girls going to be ok? You don’t look like your best friend just had the happiest day of her life.”
“We’re fine, Pluto.” Ami responded, almost spitting the name out. “Why don’t you Outers go do what you always do, and just disappear for awhile.”
Huh. Ami-chan’s apparently a bitter drunk.
Setsuna blinked. “Fine.” She said quietly. “But you need to clear the room so they can finish cleaning.”
The four of us looked at each other unsteadily, but seemed to nod as one. “C’mon girls.” Minako said finally. “I’ve got a wet bar. Room 232”
As we walked out, I felt my arm grabbed, and turned to regard a cool expression staring back at me. “What do you think Usagi would say if she knew this was how you celebrate her wedding?”
I looked back at her evenly. “I don’t really know. But it doesn’t matter. She will NOT find out.” I don’t know how I did it, but I’m certain there were flames reflected in my eyes as Setsuna seemed to gasp for a second, then nod and turn away quickly.
I followed the others upstairs, where Makoto was busily mixing drinks for us from the very well stocked bar in Minako’s suite. Ami had slumped into the chair against the wall, and Minako was on one of the beds, laying back and staring at the ceiling.
A few shots later, Mina decided that we needed something to take our mind off things, so we played truth or dare. It started out like any schoolgirl game would, with questions about boys, clothes, experiences, and things like that. It got racier for alittle while, with Minako daring us to flash each other, or asking about the last time we’d masturbated.
Then it all came crashing down around us when Ami began crying and asked. “How long have you been in love with her?”
We all sucked in a breath. It was an unspoken truth among us, not one we’d ever just come out and discussed before. We all loved Usagi. Not just as our princess, but who she was.
“Just after we’d gotten our memories back, when we were fighting Ail and En.” Minako admitted quietly. “Before I became Venus again.” She shrugged. “I realized what she gave up, how she tried to help us, and I just… fell.”
Makoto regarded her glass thoughtfully, swirling the deep brown liquid in it around. “Not too long after I met her.” She said finally. “I don’t know when exactly, but early on. She never saw me as an ‘amazon’ or as a bully. She has that way of worming into your heart and not letting you go. I don’t think she even realizes it.”
I was going to answer, but I looked over to Ami, who was still weeping, and reached for her first, pulling her into my arms. I think Mako-chan and Mina-chan realized that comfort was probably a good thing for this conversation, and soon mimicked our pose.
“The first day I saw her.” I admitted quietly. “Hell, before I even spoke to her. She shone to me like a star, and I knew… I KNEW that she’d be part of my life.”
We all looked at Ami-chan, who was trying to clear herself up to speak. “Same as Rei.” She whispered. “God… I’d never felt anything for ANYONE before like that. No one knew me, no one talked to me. Until she just came up to me, out of the blue, and… and I was hers.”
We all looked at each other, until I asked the next question. “Has anyone ever admitted it?”
Makoto sighed, “Almost.” She whispered. “We were talking about Haruka, when we found out she was a girl, and it didn’t matter to me. She asked me if I’d ever loved a girl before, and I almost said yes.” She sniffled, then looked piercingly at me. “What about you. You two always seemed to have something between you that we could never pin down.”
“I wish.” I whispered. “I-“ I cut myself off, as without warning, we all shivered where we sat, a feeling like none other ran down our spines. “Shit.” I whispered, figuring out first what had happened. “Its bad enough to KNOW what they’re doing… we have to FEEL it?”
I felt Ami squirm in my arms and I whimpered as the feeling struck again. I looked up at a gasp to see Makoto nibbling softly on Minako’s neck.
I wish I could tell you that what followed was us pairing off into destined couples, that we made love with a partner that suddenly made things all better. But life isn’t a fairy tale, and no matter what Anime suggests, the life of a magical girl sucks. We weren’t ‘making love,’ we had sex. In as many combinations as we could, partly out of need and partly because our damn princess didn’t know how to block the emotional link we had with her. When it was over, and I lay panting in Ami’s arms, with Mina and Mako on the other bed, I was weeping, and I wasn’t the only one. To a girl, each of us still felt an empty hole in our heart, one we knew would never be filled.
We… paired off… several times after that night. Minako and Makoto began going through boys like tissue paper, Ami was seen several times in the company of a cute little blonde from her juku, but… but I didn’t take any other lovers, other than the other inner senshi. Not because I felt like I would have been cheating on THEM, but because… really… no one could stand up to HER.
I’d cry myself to sleep at night, reliving events when I had a chance... when I could have spoken up and maybe… maybe…
Even now I’m fooling myself. There is no maybe. Usagi was destined for him. And together they would rule Crystal Tokyo, and the whole system. Maybe the galaxy.
Haruka asked me once, why we all seemed to have changed that day. She told me that she had loved Serenity as well, but that we seemed to be mourning the little bubble-head’s marriage. Not celebrating it. I coldly informed her that it wasn’t SERENITY who we followed. The princess had our loyalty, yes. But Usagi had our hearts. I think she may have understood.
It was two years later when the changes started. Usagi’s family had been killed in an accident, and Pluto assured us it truly was just an accident, and she called us together. I entered the room, and froze, because it wasn’t Usagi that sat at the head of the table in that conference room. It was Serenity. And at her side was Endymion.
She smiled, and explained that she had taken that last step, truly becoming who she was meant to be. Partly out of grief, she explained, but also because a threat to Earth was coming, one that would eventually lead to the frozen wasteland we had all seen in our trips to the future. She asked us to consider that final step as well. The outers agreed, and in a show of light, were transformed as well.
We Inners…
We felt our hearts break, as the bond we had with Usagi was replaced. We felt our princess now, but it was obvious that we SERVED her, we didn’t just follow her.
You know, that makes it sound sinister, I think. It wasn’t like that. She was… she was like an angel that the Christians talk about, asking us to serve mankind, to live a life of purity and love and justice.
But we refused. Over and Over again. The first night, just like the night of her wedding, we “commiserated” with each other again. This time with far more alcohol, mourning the ‘death’ of our love. The scene the following morning was almost like you would see in a magazine, our bodies slumped in a pile, furniture scattered and glass bottles shattered where we had thrown them in anger. Usagi was dead. Sure, Serenity, our princess and future queen, was still there, but it wasn’t Usagi. It wasn’t our cute, silly, klutzy, wonderful odango atama, It was the heir-apparent of the throne of her mother, the princess of the Silver Millenium, and future queen of Crystal Tokyo.
She never begged, never forced us to make that final transformation. But she would always look at us, whenever we had to transform to fight our enemies while the Outers always stood ready, as if we were children, learning our powers.
Minako cracked first, and I had the “pleasure” of watching Minako’s transformation. Golden chains, much like the attack she threw as Venus, wrapped around her body from all angles. I was reminded of that gaijin movie hellraiser, except it didn’t seem to hurt her. But it changed her. All of a sudden, her smile and her giggly attitude was erased by a face that seemed to be carved from marble, beautiful but distant. Aloof.
Serenity presented her with the Crystal Wink Sword, apologizing for throwing herself on it during the last battle. Venus, every bit the Senshi’s commander, accepted it, brushing away the apology, and sheathing the weapon at her hip. She joined the outers at their home, which had become the Senshi’s headquarters.
Makoto was next. She’d just looked at me, one day at dinner, and said she was tired of everything. That she’d been living alone long enough. I didn’t follow her, but I saw storm clouds gather and lightning strike the ground several times just a few minutes laters, and I wept for another of my friends.
I was beginning to understand the Black Moon family. Serenity was goodness personified, but… but it was the kind of “good” that seems… wrong… in the face of the entire human existence.
Ami and I spent a lot of time together after that, the last two “human” senshi. Until one day, I was woken from a deep sleep by her face next to me on the bed.
“I can’t do this anymore, Rei-chan.” She whispered. “I.. I can feel Serenity calling me. I WANT to go! It’s the right thing to do. The ice… the ice is coming, and we have to fight it.”
I held her to me, whispering that we didn’t have to change to fight. That it would be ok. But she was literally getting colder in my arms. I looked up and saw her lips turning slightly blue as she whispered. “Kiss me, Reichan.” I did, hesitantly, saying goodbye to my best friend. She shook in my arms, her body getting colder and colder, until suddenly, out of nowhere, she warmed up. I hoped… I prayed to every Kami in the universe, that she’d changed her mind, until I heard an amused voice.
“You can let go now, Sailor Mars.”
I pulled away, and saw Sailor Mercury, adorned in her fuku, a slight smile on her lips.
“A… Ami?” I whispered.
“No, Mars. Just Mercury now.”
As with all the others, she seemed to want to leave right away, but I grabbed her hand. “Wait… please! What… what happens? Are you still… Are you still you?”
She looked at me, and suddenly there was a more human emotion in her eyes than I have ever seen in the eyes of a Senshi. “It doesn’t hurt, Mars. But it changes you. I remember everything now. Walking in the ice palaces, deep inside planet Mercury. Fighting demons, youma… monsters of all kinds.” She brushed a lock of hair behind my ear as she spoke to me. “What’s 22 years of being Ami Mizuno, compared to the hundreds I’ve already lived as Mercury. We are eternal, Sailor Mars.” She squeezed my hands, telling me, as every Senshi did when they saw me, that they looked forward to me joining them, and winked out of existence, teleporting to her queen to tell her the happy news, no doubt.
So we didn’t die after we changed. We just didn’t matter. Well fuck you too, Serenity-sama.
Ami’s mother called me, frantic, the next day. Asking if I knew where her daughter was, when the last time I’d seen her had been. Apparently being a Senshi made them too good to explain things to their family.
I can feel the heat in my chest now, every time I transform. The fires of Mars are calling to me, day in and day out. It had been getting progressively more insistant as each Senshi… ascended, I guess. It was voice of a lover, one that you had strayed from on your own but that wanted you back. The voice of a parent, calling a wayward child home. Serenity’s voice. But I won’t give in. I am Hino Rei, by Kamisama, and I will NOT change that. Not for the Senshi. Not for Serenity. Not for the whole damn planet.
I would have for Usagi, I admitted to myself quietly. She could have asked me, and I would have done anything for her.
I’m in my room now, staring up at the ceiling, feeling my temperature rising. I guess I’m not being given the choice anymore. Serenity came and saw me today. She told me, in that regal voice of hers, that she understood, and that she didn’t hold it against me, but that I needed to understand that the magic inside me was getting restless. The others made a choice early on, but apparently this becomes inevitable at some point. She hugged me, like a mother hugging a naughty child, and told me that she loved me.
Damn you Serenity.
Damn you for saying the words I needed to hear before you changed.
…
And damn me for not being any stronger.
I should hold out, just like I swore I would. I should fight for the memory of my friends, and for my lost love, but my reason for fighting is gone now.
Ami… rather Mercury… said that we didn’t change too much. I can only hope. Maybe I’ll see Usagi again in the future. Maybe Serenity will remember that she used to be… used to be really important to us.
My hands are on fire. It should burn more, shouldn’t it? And it seems to be spreading.
I love you Usagi. I whispered, as I felt, rather than saw, the flames covering me, consuming everything I was. I hoped that, on the other side, things would make more sense, and I could be with my friends again.
Sailor Mars brushed the ashen remnants of the miko’s robes from her fuku, straightening the bow on her chest. She could hear Serenity’s calling in her mind, welcoming her home. It was funny, she reflected, looking around the little room, that human girls cared so much for things like musicians and stuffed animals. She supposed it was just one of those things that Serenity would explain to her. Oh, she had the memory of being Rei Hino, but it was just a short little memory of a childhood on earth. She also remembered hunting the wilds of Mars, and running barefoot around the palace in the days before her Senshi training. What was a boring human existence compared to that? In the meantime, there was a war to be fought, and her Queen was calling. She teleported away in a column of flame, briefly wondering what could have been so important to keep her from doing this before.