[FOR ISHQYAUN] See Right Through Me [1/5]
Title: See Right Through Me
For: ishqyaun
Rating: R
Length: 42K
Warnings: character death prior to the story, homophobia, non-graphic sex, angst
Author's Note: this fic is partly unbeta-ed so I'd like to apologize for any grammatical errors you might encounter (to J, thanks a bunch for the help!). I tried to do my part of research to make this fic as solid as it can, but if I make some mistakes along the way please pardon me. to my recipient, this might not be what you expected out of your prompt but I tried my best to stick to it as close as possible. I hope I did your prompt justice. happy reading!
Summary: Two men, scarred by the death of their loved one - one of bond and one of blood, trying to find themselves in each other.
In all honesty, everything went by so fast that Yifan failed to keep up with what’s happening around him. His thoughts kept attacking each other, tearing his sanity apart in the process.
His eyes were lost, empty as he stared at the burning casket which contained Yun's body. His best friend was in there, in that casket, hands crossed over his belly and skin bluish and oh so very dead. Correction: his best friend wasn't even in there anymore. The person that Yifan could always lean on, could always hold onto when the world had turned its back on him, was gone. There wasn't even a body. Only ashes. The fire continued to burn at the empty air. Yifan's eyes were lost, empty as he stared.The fire continued to burn at the empty air. Yifan turned away from the sight and closed his eyes.
He wondered if he should cry. It seemed like everyone thought that it would be the best time to cry.
It had been a shock to everyone that the ever so prim Lu Yun, whose GPA had soared through the skies and who would have been admitted to one of the prestigious law firm as an intern, was found lying unconsciously in his car that was parked just a few blocks away from his apartment. The police ruled his case as suicide since there was no evidence that stated any force inflicted on him prior to the discovery of his body.
No one knew why he would do that, why Lu Yun of all people would do that because he had everything he could have ever wanted in his life. If there was anyone who would have taken his own life, it would have been Yifan, not him.
He balled his fists against his sides when the metal door opened, revealing the remnants of what was once a body, all the flowers and assortments that were placed around his casket were now ashes and dust. He still stood there unmoving when Yun’s immediate family gathered his ashes into one simple wooden box. He was not sure of what to do; this was the only traditional Chinese funeral - no, cremation - he had ever attended and he wasn’t sure of what to expect.
Of course Yun would want him to experience this. He had always pushed Yifan to try his firsts in many things.
Yifan was pushed forward gently by Yun’s mother, who was trying to hold her waves of tears back. “We want you to be one of the ones who will send Yun for the last time. Please accompany Han,” she said with a strained smile, holding his elbow with a tight grip. Yifan nodded although he wasn’t sure of what she meant.
It turned out that what she meant was driving him on a speedboat to the middle of the sea with four other males- one was the speed boat’s owner and the three other were Yun’s immediate family. He recognized one as one of Yun’s older cousin who he had met a few times before, another one who was significantly older than them, - he vaguely remembered being introduced to him by Yun’s mother as her younger brother - and Han, Yun’s younger brother whom he had witnessed growing up.
He remembered Han’s crying face when he was younger, twelve or thirteen years old at that time. Both Yifan and Yun had been seventeen and had refused to indulge themselves in child’s play such as Mario Kart, and they instead preferred NBA on their XBOX. Han had wailed then, sobbing unattractively as he stomped his feet, accusing Yifan that he had turned his older brother into a mean person. Back then, he found Han’s tears amusing, teasing him even more by waving the controller around obnoxiously and purposefully slinging his arm around Yun, who looked torn between wanting to laugh and reaching out to calm his brother down.
This time, Han wasn’t crying like he was back then. This time, Han was crying silently with tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes swollen red and lips chapped. He had a habit of biting his lips and chewing on his lower one when he was feeling particularly nervous or antsy, something that Yun had pointed out to Yifan years ago.
Yifan wasn’t really thinking when he uncurled the tight fist he made, taking the younger man’s hand in his own, squeezing it gently to let Han know that he was feeling the same way too. They both lost a brother, one of blood and one of bond. He knew vaguely of how Han must’ve felt- all the agony and despair and cluelessness.
Han jerked into reality at the touch, coming back from his trail of thoughts and turning his gaze to Yifan, who offered him the same smile like what Han’s mother gave him earlier. He saw Han blinking rapidly and said to him in his gruff, helpless voice. “Let’s send him off properly, alright?”
Lu Han looked so childlike when he nodded at Yifan’s words and followed Yifan’s movements, taking a handful of Yun’s ashes and carefully pouring them to the endless water below, letting the last pieces of Lu Yun slip in between their fingers. Yifan held Han’s hand until they were back to the shore. He needed an anchor as much as Han did, he realized then.
He led Han to his mother’s side afterwards and felt a sense of numbness cloud his mind. Han turned to him and wordlessly wrap his arms briefly around his waist and he found himself returning the gesture, not minding the wet feeling on his shirt. He let go after a few moments with a ruffle to the shorter male’s hair and bid his goodbye to both him and his mother before excusing himself, not able to attend any more ceremony that would remind him of Yun being... gone.
He looked over his shoulder out of habit and saw Han biting his lips again, eyes fixed to his back and turned away to nod at his mother not even a second after. It was the first time he had ever seen someone looked so lost.
*
It was a six months after that he heard from Yun’s mother again. He had just came back from work when he received a call to his personal cell phone, the one he only used for friends and families. He answered without looking at the recipient and plugged the Bluetooth earset to his ear, answering with a simple “Wei, Yifan speaking.”
“Yifan? It’s been a while, it’s- it’s Yun’s mother,” the other line had said, and Yifan was taken aback slightly. “I hope you’re not busy now. I have something to discuss with you,” she added, and Yifan responded with no, he wasn’t busy and that he was just driving back home from work and yes, he was available for the rest of the night.
“Sorry? I don’t think I catch that properly,” he said just as he entered his studio apartment, foregoing the earset and holding the phone to his ear instead as soon as he got off the car. He caught a glimpse of himself on the mirror just by his shoe rack and he looked tired. Nothing new, really. He hadn’t had enough sleep for months now.
“I know this was too soon and surprising, but I can only trust you,” she replied again, there was a certain tone in her voice that Yifan recognized, the one she used when she was trying to convince herself that yes, Yun would be just fine going on a hiking trip for three weeks and that everything would be fine because Yifan was going as well. “I know, A yi,” he responded, the exact same answer he said back then.
There was a sigh and she continued. “I was wondering if you can let Han stay in your place so I wouldn’t have to look for another place for him while he’s in Guangzhou,” she repeated, and Yifan was confused out of his mind. So he didn’t hear it wrong after all. As far as he knew Han was admitted to the prestigious Beijing University, Yun had bragging about it all too proudly. He’s going to be the best vet in history, he had said. Doctor Deer that will save another deer’s life.
“Of course he can, A yi, he’s welcome to stay as long as he wants to,” he answered readily, taking a look of his surprisingly spacious apartment. Yun had stayed over for a few days a few times when he had time to visit, and it wasn’t a tight fit at all. But something wasn’t quite right.
“How long will he be staying over? Isn’t it too late? It will be September in less than a week,” he asked, just to make sure that his suspicions were right. It was almost the end of August and as far as he knew, universities would resume their activities by September. Beijing University was notorious for its short breaks and even earlier back-to-campus date.
There was silence from the other line for a few seconds, as if she was trying to formulate her words better. “He… he said he wanted to go to Guangzhou instead. He sent a few applications to different universities and he got accepted in both Beijing and Zhongsan,” she said finally, her voice tired and worn out. Yifan imagined that they had somehow been arguing about this for a while before she finally decided to call him. And he stored the information in his head, making a mental note to ask Han about it later.
“Zhongsan is a good choice, they have a good vet program,” he replied instead, walking to his fridge to take a can of beer. She sighed heavily and muttered a faint “I know, he has been using it to justify himself over and over again,” which confirmed Yifan’s doubts earlier.
“He will be in good hands, A yi, I will make sure that he concentrates on his studies, and I will take care of him well,” he promised because he knew she was only going to let Han go because she knew that he was the only person whom she trust. And if she wanted him to make sure that Han was alright, he would do it in a heartbeat.
“Please take care of him well Yifan, please take care of him well for me. I will transfer all the expenses he might need every month, Yun had calculated everything for me so please-,” she pleaded, and Yifan could almost hear the sob she swallowed back.
He felt his throat closing up at the sound as well. It had been six months and the wound hasn’t healed properly for both of them. He washed the tightness with a swig of his beer, letting the bitter taste ground him into place.
“Don’t worry about that, A yi, Han is almost a brother to me too. I’ll let you know how he’s doing every day if you want,” he offered, looking down to the grey fur carpet under his feet. A housewarming present from Yun when he first moved two years ago.
“I’ll- I’ll call you when I need to. Just… remind him to tell me how he is once every few days. Thank you, Yifan. I can never repay you.”
“It’s nothing. He would do the same,” he replied, knowing that she knew who he meant. He bid his goodbye after a few small talks and made sure to comfort her before ending the line, letting the phone fall from his hand to the rug. He looked up to the ceiling as he leaned to the back of the couch, eyes staring into nowhere.
A vibration and a ping from his phone caught his attention, a pop up of message appeared on his locked screen. He opened it and read the message silently. He bit his lip in uncertainty and lets his eyes linger to the rug instead.
Ge, it’s me Han. Thank you for letting me staying over. My flight is on the 27th, 4PM. See you at the airport ^^
*
Yifan never really liked airport that much, there was just something about the endless wave of people that made him feel jittery. It was an ironic really, because he was supposed to be used to it by now. For someone who spent his life crossing countries, he could never seem to stop himself from shifting his weight from foot to foot nervously. Maybe it’s the lack of caffeine, he reasoned, and so he made his way to the Starbucks just across the arrival gate. He leaned to the shop’s wooden pillars as he sipped on his hot espresso, caffeine calming him down significantly, waiting for the brunette to pop into his vision.
Fifteen minute had passed and Yifan wondered if he should call Han because his flight was supposed to land almost forty minutes ago and the arrival board said there was no delay. Just as he was about to take his phone out of his pocket, he heard a loud “GE!” and he looked up as an instinct because finally he’s here- wait what?
Han was dressed in a simple white polo under an oversized green jacket with fur lined hood and skinny jeans, dragging a humongous red suitcase behind him, smiling widely with his signature crinkle around his eyes as he waved on the air. Lu Han was also, to Yifan’s mortification, very much blonde. Blonde.
“Have you been waiting for a long time? I’m sorry ge, I got lost and it took me a long time to retrieve my suitcase,” he chattered away just as he reached Yifan’s normal hearing distance, his lower lip jutting out just slightly and hands flying around as he talk, trying to emphasize his points. A trait that runs in the family, he knew, because both Yun and their mother were also doing the same thing when they were too excited. “And I almost couldn’t find my phone cause I left it in the bathroom on top of the closet and thank god I went back just in time to get it, the cleaner was kind enough to take it and waited until he found the owner!”
“You almost lost your phone,” Yifan deadpanned, brows furrowing on their own accord. “What if the cleaner was a different person or the person who used the cubicle after you took your phone instead, . Jesus Lu Han,” he exasperatedly trying to wrap his head around the situation that would have happened.
“But that didn’t happen and I got my phone back! That’s all that matters. Don’t worry ge, I’m a big boy now and I can take care of myself,” he replied with a huff, frowning at him for a few seconds before he was distracted again. “Oh, Starbucks! Mama won’t let me have any, she said it’s too expensive for a coffee but it tastes so good! Did you buy one? You did!”
Yifan sighed heavily and let the shorter take his cup away to take a large gulp, counting to three in his head. Just right after he counted to three Han made a face, as expected, grimacing at the taste of the coffee. “That’s espresso, didn’t put sugar or milk or anything in it,” he explained almost too triumphantly, taking pride in being one of a handful of people who can shut the younger up. The victory didn’t last long though, because now the doe eyed male in front of him was jutting his lower lip fully, brows furrowed as he looked at him in distaste.
O Lord Above, give your humble servant the strength to lead this doe to his rightful place.
“Queue and pick some frappucino or whatever,” he said finally with a sigh, taking out his wallet and passed a few bills to Han whose frown miraculously turned into a wide grin. “Thank you ge!” he exclaimed as he ran to the end of the queue, which was thankfully short enough. It had been a habit of both Yun and him to give Han sweets or candies when he was younger. Yifan had never had a younger sibling before, and Han was the closest thing to one for him. Yun had doted on him a lot, praised him when he was doing well and tried to talk the problem out whenever they fought. He wasn’t close to Han per se, but watching him growing up from the cry baby to an eighteen year old…
He remembered an incident once, when Yifan had smuggled a chocolate to give to Han past his bedtime on one of his sleepovers. Yun had told him earlier that day that Han had cried the night before because of his nightmares. He didn’t like it when Han cried. It made him feel too many unknown and awkward emotions he didn’t wanna feel, and so he gave the chocolate he bought at lunch just before he went to sleep. Han had cried when he received the chocolate, happily throwing his arms around Yifan, and angrily when his mother found out and took it away from him. He was sixteen back then. What was he thinking?
“Let’s go? I want to see my new home,” Han said around his green straw, taking a sip from his iced drink. Yifan snapped out of his thoughts, wordlessly taking another gulp from his own cup and took Han’s suitcase, guiding him to where his car was parked.
It was a mundane ride back home, well not so much since Han had insisted on plugging his iPod to the stereo system and blasted some weird Korean songs with messy beat until Yifan had to turn the volume to the lowest so he could concentrate in driving. He didn’t make any comment on the silver device on the divider between him and Han, remembering the time when Yun had secretly worked part time to gift him that for his fifteenth birthday. He had chipped in his own money as well to pay a third of the price; Yun wouldn’t let him contribute more than that. He remembered Han’s wide eyes as he looked at them back and forth, leaping to round his arms around both of them. The model was the cheapest, but Han had looked like they had gifted him iPhone 4 instead.
Yifan glanced over a couple of times to make sure that Han was okay as he drove down the road. The younger was looking outside the window, hands clenching the edge of his sweater and the armrest. He saw the younger trembling slightly from the corner of his eyes but whenever he could actually take a look, the younger was staying still, with his eyes glued to the scenery on the other side of the window. Maybe it was some vibration from the engine, he supposed. He hasn’t had a lot of passengers.
“This is where you’ll be staying for… whenever that is. Toe off your shoes,” he instructed as they reached his unit, flipping the switches on as he entered the premises. “I don’t have a guest room for you since this is only a studio, but I have an extra mattress so don’t worry.”
He looked over his shoulder to see if Han was listening but Han was looking around the room with wide eyes instead. Yifan followed his line of gaze and didn’t really get what he was looking at. The living room itself was a modest one; there was a set of black three-seater leather couch with an equally black bean bag next to it in the middle of the room facing the 40 inch TV set on the other side of the wall. A small glass-covered coffee table was situated in front of the couch. The kitchen was just to his left, an open spaced one taking up the corner, with the counter separating the living room and the kitchen.
“Come, I’ll show you the bedroom,” he said as he rolled the obnoxious suitcase along, opening a door which stood a few steps away from the TV set. The bedroom itself was a simple double bed-nightstand-wardrobe combo with black wood, something the previous owner had generously sold to him with cheap price and even offered to repaint them for free. The spare mattress where Yifan will be sleeping for the rest of Han’s stay was not yet set, still leaning to the wall by bed.
“It’s so…,” Han started softly after Yifan had took him to the laundry room and back to the living room, brows furrowing in thought before adding, his voice was trembling in the slightest. “So you.”
Yifan blinked in surprise at the comment and cleared his throat before answering that with a gruff “thank you.” He had purchased the studio unit from her two years ago just after he dropped out of college and moved here to focus on his small online business he set up back in high school.
Han then looked down at the rug and Yifan left to get both of them chilled water. He was still in that position when he returned and that was when he realized the slump on the younger’s shoulders, the line of his spine that seemed to be too rigid to be normal and his nails that were digging to his own palm even as he sat. He looked too pale to be normal and Yifan rushed to his side almost immediately, placing the mugs on the coffee table and crouches in front of him.
There were cold sweat all over him and his hand trembled when Yifan touched it, trying to do the same thing he did to Han months ago on that boat. He looked like he had just been on a ride to hell. “Han, what-,” he asked, frightened and confused, and Han lifted his head to meet his gaze, eyes wide and he seemed to be in trance for a split second before his eyes refocused themselves back to Yifan. “Can I- can I take the bus to go to school? I don’t- don’t wanna trouble you anymore,” Han said in a rush, as if he had practiced it beforehand. “You can show me the nearest station or bus stop and I’ll find my way around. Please?”
At loss of what to say, he took the mug from the coffee table and passed it to Han, who protested at first but meekly accepted it when Yifan gave him a look. “We’ll discuss that later. Now take a shower while I order us takeout. Is pizza okay?” he reached for his phones, pulling each one of them out from his front pockets to the table, unlocking the screen of his personal phone, scrolling down his contacts to look for the pizza place’s number when Han nodded.
A silence was stretching uncomfortably when he ended the call, and Yifan wondered if Han had ever been this quiet before. Now that he took a good look at it, there were faint grey circles under Han’s eyes and his cheeks were hollower than the last time he saw him. His skin looked tired as well, dull and unkempt.
He wanted to ask how he was doing, how he was coping, if he was feeling the same void in his chest like Yifan did when he unconsciously made a call to someone who will never answer on the other line. But instead, what came out of his mouth was a question. “Are you alright?”
Han flicked his eyes to look at him and looked like he was hesitating for a second before replying with a smile that didn’t seem to reach his usually expressive eyes. “Yeah.”
*
It was a week into their co-habitual when he noticed small things about Han. He wasn’t close to Han in the way he was to Yun, and he had never spend this much time with only him. Even though he never had the chance to be really close to Han, he would like to say that he knew Han- he was Yun’s jolly, energetic younger brother who loved his puppy more than math.
But now, he couldn’t really say he knew who Lu Han was. He would start to chatter like how he always would, laughing and irking Yifan to his limit and the next second he would zone out to somewhere only he knew. There were times when he would just watch the TV, eyes reflecting back the lights from the screen but he didn’t seem to pay attention to it, only answering Yifan’s calls for dinner after a few times.
Yifan also noticed that he would shy away from contact as well, as if he had a ward around him that alerted him every time their shoulders brushed accidentally. He didn’t initiate conversations first, though he answered Yifan’s questions like how he usually would. He would only come back to his previous self when he was talking to Yifan, he concluded from across the table, eating a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausages and broccoli.
“Excited? It’s your first day of orientation right?” he started casually, testing out his theory. Han was toying with his broccoli, not really eating anything more than half of his plate. Yifan noticed this too, and he had come to a conclusion that Han seemed to eat more when he was around, maybe because he would report it to his mother if he didn’t.
True to his thoughts, Han snapped his head up and his lips parted for a second before nodding, lips curling up to a wide smile. “Yeah, I’m not sure of what to expect ge. I don’t know if I will be okay there, but I’m also really excited!” he answered, taking the broccoli up with his fork and ate it. Yifan made sure to wait for a few seconds before replying, eyes trained to Han’s plate and Han cut a piece of his sausage, scooped up some egg with it before eating them as well.
“You’ll be fine, don’t worry. Just make sure to stick to your fellow freshmen and don’t look at any of your seniors on their eyes. I heard Zhongsan is kinda harsh,” he added jokingly, although he knew that the situation won’t be that bad. Han’s eyes went wide and he let out a strangled noise, frowning. “Okay. I’ll make sure not to ge,” his tone of voice dropped.
Yifan made a show of checking his work phone for new mails and he saw Han’s demeanour changing yet again; his shoulders lowering and he went back to roll his food around. He wasn’t sure if he should ask to Han’s mother if he was always like this or just let it be. Han’s mother would be even more worried and he would like A yi to think that he was doing a good job in taking care of his youngest son.
“Are you sure you want to take the bus? I can take you there, it’s fine. It’s not like I have any definite time to clock in or whatever,” he tried again for the third time that morning. Han had insisted, continuously, that he didn’t want to trouble him by taking him everywhere when he can do it all by himself. It wasn’t like he had never done it before, he said. But Yifan was worried and a worried Yifan was a persistent Yifan.
Han gave him a look that he knew all too well, seeing it often on Yun when he thought Yifan was being really stupid. He was not stupid. He was being rational. But that look just brought another hollowness to his mind and he relented, letting Han to do what he wanted. “Just be safe,” he said finally when Han was slipping into his sneakers, backpack slung over one shoulder stylishly.
“I will ge. I’ll be going, see you later ge!” Han grinned and waved, walking through the door and shutting it before Yifan could say anything else. He sighed and went back to finish his coffee, sipping it slowly to clear his thoughts. He was worried because Han was now in his hands. Because his mother trusted Yifan that Yifan would keep him safe. Because Yun wasn’t here anymore but Yifan was.
Sometimes, it felt like everything was just some twisted prank that Yun would pull on him back on the day, when they were still two immature fools who knew nothing wasting their time on the most useless things. Yun had always been the more upbeat one. The world knew Yifan as the one who had this look on his face that scared everyone off on first glance. Yun was the type of person who would go around and smile to even the worst asshole on Earth.
The Yun he knew had no reason why he’d do the unthinkable. He had no reason to, and he shouldn’t have, not when he was the one who pulled Yifan away from the edge of the rooftop all those years ago. Taking his own life? That seemed to be really absurd even to Yifan. And Yifan prided himself for being the one who knew Lu Yun inside and out. They had been brothers for almost half of their life. Yifan, out of all people, would be the first to know or understand why Yun would do that… right?
One of the most common reason why suicide happens, Yifan had read somewhere prior to this, is because of pressure. Be it peer pressure, or societal pressure, or just pressure from stress. It wasn’t that Yun was dealing with pressures or anything. Or at least, Yun had never told him anything if there was. But he would like to believe that they shared everything to each other, leaving no dirty secrets behind ever since they were fourteen. The thought of Yun hiding something from him was absurd, impossible.
Yun would complain about the expectations, but that was given. He had worked his way up and proven himself, and he knew the consequences that would come with it. Yifan was different, and that was why he dropped out of college and chose the easy way out. Maybe this time, something happened and the easy way out for Yun was to say goodbye to everything he had ever dreamed of... What happened and why now, out of all times?
There were so many questions left unanswered in Yifan’s mind and he wasn’t sure if knowing these answers would make him feel more relieved or heavier. Yun had helped him out of the biggest slump in his life, and he had thought he had done the same too. Apparently not.
He glanced at the clock just above the kitchen counter and rose from his seat, dropping his dirty plate into the sink. He then ate Han’s leftovers - he never finished anything he ate - and dropped the plate down into the sink as well. Work would help to clear his thoughts. It always did.
*
Yifan woke up because of a shrilling scream.
It was a few days after Han’s first orientation day and he jolted up in surprise, hitting his head to the foot of his - no, Han’s - bed. He was always a deep sleeper and to be awoken by this meant that the scream had been going on for a while now. He sat up and looked to the master bed, who was supposed to occupy by a sleeping Han, and his eyes widened when he noticed that Han was the one who made the painful screams.
“No… no- ge, ge…,” he heard, the screams had turned into broken sobs and Yifan went to his side and places his palm on Han’s forehead. It wasn’t burning, but Han’s honey blonde hair had turned a shade darker, sticking onto his forehead. “Hey, Han, wake up,” he tried to wake Han up by shaking his shoulders gently to get him out of his unconsciousness.
Han trashed and continued to sob again, limbs twisting on the sheets as if he was trying to get away from something. Yifan had to pry his hands away from the sheets and called out for him louder. “Han, wake up. It’s not real, just a nightmare. Wake up.”
The louder voice seemed to bring Han back and he sat up immediately with wide eyes, chest heaving and his eyes frantically darting around before Yifan held his face with his palms, trying to make him focusing back. “Han, it’s Yifan ge. You’re here now, you’re safe. It’s okay now,” he said with the same volume, only gentler this time. Han slowly recovered and realized where he was before he clutched at Yifan’s wrist, eyes closing as he tried to catch his breath and calm himself down.
“It’s just a dream, it’s not real. You don’t have to worry alright? I’m here, nothing can hurt you,” he said softly, trying to soothe Han out of his nightmare. It had always been a tight feat, but Yifan had first-hand experiences with this before and Han had always listened to him. “It’s just like last time, you know? You’ll wake up and it will be gone. I promise you it’ll go away when you wake up, so sleep now. I’ll make sure that it’ll leave you alone, okay?
Yifan kept talking to him, repeating the same things over and over again to make sure that he was fully out of it. It had always worked on Han when he was younger, when he would come to Yun’s room crying and afraid. Yifan dismissed the memory before it could take him away from the present. He had priorities to follow through.
“Go to sleep, xiao lu. I’ll be here when you wake up,” he said as he coaxed Han back under the covers, brushing his hair away from his forehead in hopes of helping him him sleep better. Han had looked at him with an unreadable expression before drifting back off to sleep, breath evening out after a while.
What the hell was that? Yifan thought, looking at the sleeping figure on his bed with a deep frown. What kind of nightmare would make Han trashed on the bed like he was drowning? Did it have anything to do with Yun? Was tonight the only night it happened? Had Han always been having nightmares after Yun’s departure? Was this the first time he had one ever since he moved in?
He recalled back to what Han was mumbling desperately in his sleep and his furrow deepened. There was something that Han was hiding, that haunted him even in his sleep. Grief wasn’t this potent, he thought. But something had definitely made it so for Han. His eyes wandered to Han’s dark circles. Now he knew why.
He found it hard to go back to sleep so he decided to stay on his new bed, sitting cross-legged and trying to make sense to the situation as he watched over Han, making sure that the nightmares won’t come back again. Han would switch back and forth from lying on his back to his stomach before turning to his side, curling up to himself like a fetus.
It was in that position when Han finally opened his eyes, blinking slowly, and Yifan scooted closer to him, asking if he was alright. Han didn’t answer right away, only looking at Yifan with a gaze that was too clear for someone who had just awoken before answering his question with a simple “I’m hungry.”
Yifan didn’t know if he should feel glad or worried at the answer. He shook his head to clear that thought away.
“Go wash up and I’ll fix something for us to eat. Is cereal okay?” he asked, slowly standing up and pushing the mattress back under the bed. He saw Han nodding at him when Yifan stood upright again and hummed, telling him to go out when he was done.
Breakfast wasn’t something eventful compared to last night’s havoc. Han didn’t even mention anything about his nightmare and Yifan wasn’t sure if he should ask him about it. He was still a stranger after all, in some sense. He stole glances once in a while to Han, who stirred the milk soaked cereal around, meeting his gaze a few times and ate a spoonful when he did. Kris made sure he finished at least three fourth of his bowl this time before sending him off.
“Be safe, text me when you get to the campus,” he said, calling out just as he heard Han shuffling into his shoes. He didn’t get any replies whatsoever before he heard the door shutting close. He didn’t realize that he was gripping the metal spoon too hard as he scooped himself spoonful of cereal, methodically chewing and gulping out of habit before a ping came from his personal phone just by the side of his bowl.
In the bus now. Han sent him a message. Will text you again after I reach campus. Eat well ge! ^^
“I want you to eat well, stupid,” he muttered, typing a short reply back, and that was how their constant texting had started.
*
The more Yifan paid attention to the doe eyed male, the more he sensed that something was off. Just now, Lu Han had blatantly refused to let Yifan drove him to school, even though he was running late. There would be enough time for Lu Han to even relax if he had accepted Yifan’s help, but he had stubbornly said that he could take the bus just fine.
“You need a ride, Lu Han, and I’m offering you one. What’s so bad about taking up an offer? You need to get to your lecture hall now and I can take you there faster with my car,” Yifan reasoned again, frowning as Lu Han tried to tie his shoelaces up frantically, only he messed it even more. He glanced at the clock to find that it was forty five minutes until Lu Han’s first class of the day started.
“The bus takes exactly forty five minutes to get there, ge, I can manage,” Han said as he redid the knot all over again, finally successful this time. He let out a small triumphant noise and slung his backpack over one shoulder, the weight of his laptop making him slumping in a weird way. Yifan knew that he had to stand for the whole ride at this rush hour, and he couldn’t simply let Han do this to himself just because he didn’t want to feel bad.
“You can’t hold that weight for a long time, Han. Listen to me,” he added tersely when Han made a beeline for the front door, and Yifan had to use the overprotective brother card. Han turned around with a small frown and his feet were restlessly tapping to the floor. “You need to let me drive you there. We’re wasting more time debating on this, and you’re running late. Let me drive you to the campus.”
Han looked at him with a deep frown and he spat out in annoyance, words coming out harshly than Yifan had expected. “Well maybe if you’d just stop talking and let me go to my fucking campus now, I won’t be as late,” he turned around fully to face Yifan and stared at him with cold eyes.
“Lu Han,” Yifan stared at him incredulously, anger starting to burn in his throat and he could feel his face heating up in rage. “I’m older than you and your brother’s best friend. I will not be spoken to like that.”
“Please shove the lecture up your ass ‘cause I don’t need your fucking help. Who are you to tell me what to do? And let me attend my fucking class. Bye, ge,” he spat the last word to Yifan’s face as he slammed the door behind him, the sound echoed as Yifan stood there with wide eyes.
He didn’t notice that his fingers were curled up tightly until he felt slight pain on his palm. He took a deep breath and glanced at his hand to find crescent shaped marks on his palm, and he shook his head. Fuck coffee, he strode to the fridge and opened it, taking a can of beer out.
Halfway through his beer, he exhales shakily, elbows on his knees as he hung his head low. He was just trying to be helpful, trying to do what was expected of him as Han’s guardian. He was trying to act accordingly and do what he thought was right. Why couldn’t Han see that? Was he being too overboard? Way out of the line? He took another gulp as Han’s words echoed in his mind like a blade. He didn’t have to curse on him for trying to be nice. Who taught him to speak that way?
Yifan bit his lip and groaned into his palm, messing up his raven hair even more, closing his eyes, and trying to calm himself down. Yun would know what to do. Yun always knew what to do. And he did exactly what Yun would do in this situation… right?
Struck at the realization, he opened his eyes again, blinking as his mind went numb. Was he trying to be Yun for Han? Had he been acting like Yun for the past two months? He was just… he couldn’t finish his own trail of thought. He tightened his grip around the beer can until he heard the sound of the metal yielding to his clutch.
He took his work phone out from his sweatpants’ pocket and typed a text to one of his staff that he won’t be going to the office today. He pressed ‘send’ after re-reading it, making sure it sounded urgent enough before throwing it to the space next to him. He caught the sight of his personal phone on the coffee table and reached out to take it, unlocking the phone and scrolled his contacts down. His thumb hovered on A yi’s contact details but he quickly locked his phone back and tossed it back to the table.
*
It was Yifan’s birthday and he had forgotten it himself until he saw the huge banner with the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOFO BOSS’ written across hanging from the top of his desk. He glanced around at all of his staff, all eight of them who were wearing tacky party hats and holding confetti blowers with their grins so widely painted on their faces. Yifan squinted his eyes, making a judgemental face, gaze alternating on each of their head and hand.
“What-,” he started, blinking in surprise when someone slapped him harshly on the back. He let out a loud, pained grunt at the force and reached behind to rub the injury when he saw Amber shoving something to his face. “What is this,” he finished his sentence, though now it was directed to the stapled pieces of paper in front of him.
“The receipts for making that banner and buying the party stuff for you. Please redeem it to us soon. Happy birthday boss,” Zhou Mi explained it kindly as he fixed his hat to make it less tilted, hanging weirdly on top of his left ear. Yifan stared at him and back to the receipts again, muttering curses under his breath.
“Hey it’s your birthday, cheer up! Wait- don’t tell me you don’t even know that today is November 6th-,”Jjia asked with a horrified gasp, her perfectly manicured black and white nails gleaming mockingly at him. “How could you not remember your own birthday? And I thought you’re smart. I’m filing a resignation later today, I refuse to work under you.”
Yifan rolled his eyes at her dramatic flair, as always, and retorted back in auto pilot. “Oh finally you will, after saying that for a year straight without fail.” Fei snorted from her desk, hiding her face with her hair and Yifan somehow felt a sense of triumph. “Step the game up, Jie, though today is a good one.”
Jia side eyed him and made a show of hitting his shoulder as she walked past him to get to her desk beside Fei’s. Yifan shook his head at her antics again and dropped his messenger bag to his confetti covered desk. He would tell Zitao to clean it for him. That kid needed to do some real job as an intern and not fawning over Jia’s new collection of Chrome Heart F/W 2014.
“But seriously though, did you really forget that today’s your birthday?” Henry asked as he passed him the new order sheets that need to be filed and sent this week. Yifan scanned through the content and nodded without looking at him. “Yeah, I had too much on my mind. Besides I don’t really look at the calendar every day to count down to my birthday,” he replied as he sipped on the Starbucks he bought on his way here. He needed the extra caffeine shot to keep himself sane.
“Well, we did forget that it was your birthday last year. You surprised us when you said your best friend was coming over from Beijing to celebrate it with you,” he pointed out, picking at the stray confetti on his polo, clearly not planning on leaving Yifan alone any time soon. “What’s been happening lately though? You seem distracted. It’s not like you at all. The last time you’ve been like this was when he, you know,” he added quietly, glancing at Yifan with concerned look. Yifan sighed and shook his head, not planning on telling him the reason why.
The morning had been a really cold one for him. Heck, this week had been a cold week for him. Han was giving him the silent treatment and slamming the door every time he went out, not bothering with breakfast at all, sleeping with his back to Yifan the whole time, and refusing any type of conversation that was directed towards him. It was as if Han were acting as if Yifan didn’t exist.
It wasn’t like Yifan didn’t try. It was the opposite- he tried so damn hard to ease the unnecessary tension between them but Han was avoiding him like the plague. He tried to sleep later and woke up earlier to make sure that didn’t have any nightmare fit again, but it occurred twice in the span of this week. Han had swatted his hand away when he realized that Yifan had woken him up and scooted further down the bed, covering the blanket up until his face was hidden and slept that way until the next morning.
He hasn’t told A yi about his drift with Han because he didn’t want to make her worry. He didn’t know if Han had told her about it though, but from the lack of phone calls from her, it seemed like he didn’t. Yifan had ran out of ideas of what to do to fix this. It had only been two months, and one or two weeks more, and he didn’t want to live with Han like this for the rest of his stay. Yifan was just lost and he didn’t know what to do.
“Say,” he said finally, and Henry was perking up, leaning closer to hear him better. “What to do to make someone talk to you again?” he asked with a nonchalant tone, not wanting to make it seem as catastrophic as it actually was. Henry looked at him with a baffled look, probably was taken aback by the random question, and he suddenly clapped his hands. “Oh,” he said. “Oh.”
Yifan looked at him with crooked brow, not liking the way his smile widened slowly as if he had just found out the secret to Tutankhamen’s curse. “What,” he deadpans.
“You’re seeing someone! Oh my god, so that’s why you’ve been brooding like a hormonal teenager and grumpier than an 80 year old virgin grandma! It’s because you didn’t get any for the past week!” Henry exclaimed loudly and Yifan scrambled to shut that fucking mouth up. When he managed to succeed, though, the whole office was looking at him in surprise, astonishment, and disbelief.
“No that’s not true... case dismissed. Go back to your work or I’ll deduct your pay,” he growled, and that seemed to shut everyone up from saying anything. Satisfied at the now calm atmosphere, He sent Henry a look of pure loath and dragged him by the back of his collar out of the small office space to the emergency staircase just a few doors away.
“I would appreciate it if you shut the fuck up and stop jumping to the wrong conclusion,” he said as soon as he released his hold on Henry’s collar, brows furrowed deeply. Henry looked like he was torn between laughing and being afraid. “Hey man, I thought it was true okay. You looked like-hmp!!!”
“Another word and you can say goodbye to your pay for this month,” Yifan threatened as he shut the shorter male up with his palm again. The said male nodded furiously and tugged at Yifan’s wrist, which Yifan let go after a few seconds. “Now tell me the real answer. What do I do to make someone talk to me again?”
“One second,” Henry held a finger up, taking a few deep breaths before facing him again. “Is this person younger than you?” he asked, and Yifan nodded in reply. “Shorter?” another nod. “You’ve known this person for more than a few months?”
“I’ve known him for almost half of his life,” he muttered in response, feeling even more depressed than before they started this talk. “Holy shit- it’s a he? Wow man I’ve never thought you swing that way-,” Yifan glared at him again and Henry shut his own mouth up almost immediately, mumbling a small ‘sorry’.
“He’s not my boyfriend - and no I don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t look at me like that - and I haven’t been able to talk to him for the past week. He acts as if I don’t exist,” he sighed and shook his head, knowing that this talk would be pointless by the way it went. But hey, a desperate Yifan was a persistent Yifan. He needed a way out and goddamn it if he didn’t have one on his own birthday.
“Uh. Use your birthday as an excuse to talk to him? I guess?” Henry meekly suggested, smiling awkwardly as he crossed his arms in front of him. “Like, I don’t know, tell him it’s your birthday today and guilt trip him to talk to you that way? Okay that sounds completely childish, uh.”
Yifan turned to look at him for a few seconds as his gears were grinding up in his head, frown slowly subsiding and he gripped Henry’s shoulders with his lips stretching into a wide grin. “That’s the best thing you’ve ever said for the whole year, man. Thanks for the help!” he patted his shoulder for a good measure and felt his steps were lighter as he walked back to the office.
Today was his birthday after all. O Dear Lord, thank you for saving your lost lamb and please guide him back to the right path.
*
Part II
For: ishqyaun
Rating: R
Length: 42K
Warnings: character death prior to the story, homophobia, non-graphic sex, angst
Author's Note: this fic is partly unbeta-ed so I'd like to apologize for any grammatical errors you might encounter (to J, thanks a bunch for the help!). I tried to do my part of research to make this fic as solid as it can, but if I make some mistakes along the way please pardon me. to my recipient, this might not be what you expected out of your prompt but I tried my best to stick to it as close as possible. I hope I did your prompt justice. happy reading!
Summary: Two men, scarred by the death of their loved one - one of bond and one of blood, trying to find themselves in each other.
In all honesty, everything went by so fast that Yifan failed to keep up with what’s happening around him. His thoughts kept attacking each other, tearing his sanity apart in the process.
His eyes were lost, empty as he stared at the burning casket which contained Yun's body. His best friend was in there, in that casket, hands crossed over his belly and skin bluish and oh so very dead. Correction: his best friend wasn't even in there anymore. The person that Yifan could always lean on, could always hold onto when the world had turned its back on him, was gone. There wasn't even a body. Only ashes. The fire continued to burn at the empty air. Yifan's eyes were lost, empty as he stared.The fire continued to burn at the empty air. Yifan turned away from the sight and closed his eyes.
He wondered if he should cry. It seemed like everyone thought that it would be the best time to cry.
It had been a shock to everyone that the ever so prim Lu Yun, whose GPA had soared through the skies and who would have been admitted to one of the prestigious law firm as an intern, was found lying unconsciously in his car that was parked just a few blocks away from his apartment. The police ruled his case as suicide since there was no evidence that stated any force inflicted on him prior to the discovery of his body.
No one knew why he would do that, why Lu Yun of all people would do that because he had everything he could have ever wanted in his life. If there was anyone who would have taken his own life, it would have been Yifan, not him.
He balled his fists against his sides when the metal door opened, revealing the remnants of what was once a body, all the flowers and assortments that were placed around his casket were now ashes and dust. He still stood there unmoving when Yun’s immediate family gathered his ashes into one simple wooden box. He was not sure of what to do; this was the only traditional Chinese funeral - no, cremation - he had ever attended and he wasn’t sure of what to expect.
Of course Yun would want him to experience this. He had always pushed Yifan to try his firsts in many things.
Yifan was pushed forward gently by Yun’s mother, who was trying to hold her waves of tears back. “We want you to be one of the ones who will send Yun for the last time. Please accompany Han,” she said with a strained smile, holding his elbow with a tight grip. Yifan nodded although he wasn’t sure of what she meant.
It turned out that what she meant was driving him on a speedboat to the middle of the sea with four other males- one was the speed boat’s owner and the three other were Yun’s immediate family. He recognized one as one of Yun’s older cousin who he had met a few times before, another one who was significantly older than them, - he vaguely remembered being introduced to him by Yun’s mother as her younger brother - and Han, Yun’s younger brother whom he had witnessed growing up.
He remembered Han’s crying face when he was younger, twelve or thirteen years old at that time. Both Yifan and Yun had been seventeen and had refused to indulge themselves in child’s play such as Mario Kart, and they instead preferred NBA on their XBOX. Han had wailed then, sobbing unattractively as he stomped his feet, accusing Yifan that he had turned his older brother into a mean person. Back then, he found Han’s tears amusing, teasing him even more by waving the controller around obnoxiously and purposefully slinging his arm around Yun, who looked torn between wanting to laugh and reaching out to calm his brother down.
This time, Han wasn’t crying like he was back then. This time, Han was crying silently with tears streaming down his cheeks, eyes swollen red and lips chapped. He had a habit of biting his lips and chewing on his lower one when he was feeling particularly nervous or antsy, something that Yun had pointed out to Yifan years ago.
Yifan wasn’t really thinking when he uncurled the tight fist he made, taking the younger man’s hand in his own, squeezing it gently to let Han know that he was feeling the same way too. They both lost a brother, one of blood and one of bond. He knew vaguely of how Han must’ve felt- all the agony and despair and cluelessness.
Han jerked into reality at the touch, coming back from his trail of thoughts and turning his gaze to Yifan, who offered him the same smile like what Han’s mother gave him earlier. He saw Han blinking rapidly and said to him in his gruff, helpless voice. “Let’s send him off properly, alright?”
Lu Han looked so childlike when he nodded at Yifan’s words and followed Yifan’s movements, taking a handful of Yun’s ashes and carefully pouring them to the endless water below, letting the last pieces of Lu Yun slip in between their fingers. Yifan held Han’s hand until they were back to the shore. He needed an anchor as much as Han did, he realized then.
He led Han to his mother’s side afterwards and felt a sense of numbness cloud his mind. Han turned to him and wordlessly wrap his arms briefly around his waist and he found himself returning the gesture, not minding the wet feeling on his shirt. He let go after a few moments with a ruffle to the shorter male’s hair and bid his goodbye to both him and his mother before excusing himself, not able to attend any more ceremony that would remind him of Yun being... gone.
He looked over his shoulder out of habit and saw Han biting his lips again, eyes fixed to his back and turned away to nod at his mother not even a second after. It was the first time he had ever seen someone looked so lost.
*
It was a six months after that he heard from Yun’s mother again. He had just came back from work when he received a call to his personal cell phone, the one he only used for friends and families. He answered without looking at the recipient and plugged the Bluetooth earset to his ear, answering with a simple “Wei, Yifan speaking.”
“Yifan? It’s been a while, it’s- it’s Yun’s mother,” the other line had said, and Yifan was taken aback slightly. “I hope you’re not busy now. I have something to discuss with you,” she added, and Yifan responded with no, he wasn’t busy and that he was just driving back home from work and yes, he was available for the rest of the night.
“Sorry? I don’t think I catch that properly,” he said just as he entered his studio apartment, foregoing the earset and holding the phone to his ear instead as soon as he got off the car. He caught a glimpse of himself on the mirror just by his shoe rack and he looked tired. Nothing new, really. He hadn’t had enough sleep for months now.
“I know this was too soon and surprising, but I can only trust you,” she replied again, there was a certain tone in her voice that Yifan recognized, the one she used when she was trying to convince herself that yes, Yun would be just fine going on a hiking trip for three weeks and that everything would be fine because Yifan was going as well. “I know, A yi,” he responded, the exact same answer he said back then.
There was a sigh and she continued. “I was wondering if you can let Han stay in your place so I wouldn’t have to look for another place for him while he’s in Guangzhou,” she repeated, and Yifan was confused out of his mind. So he didn’t hear it wrong after all. As far as he knew Han was admitted to the prestigious Beijing University, Yun had bragging about it all too proudly. He’s going to be the best vet in history, he had said. Doctor Deer that will save another deer’s life.
“Of course he can, A yi, he’s welcome to stay as long as he wants to,” he answered readily, taking a look of his surprisingly spacious apartment. Yun had stayed over for a few days a few times when he had time to visit, and it wasn’t a tight fit at all. But something wasn’t quite right.
“How long will he be staying over? Isn’t it too late? It will be September in less than a week,” he asked, just to make sure that his suspicions were right. It was almost the end of August and as far as he knew, universities would resume their activities by September. Beijing University was notorious for its short breaks and even earlier back-to-campus date.
There was silence from the other line for a few seconds, as if she was trying to formulate her words better. “He… he said he wanted to go to Guangzhou instead. He sent a few applications to different universities and he got accepted in both Beijing and Zhongsan,” she said finally, her voice tired and worn out. Yifan imagined that they had somehow been arguing about this for a while before she finally decided to call him. And he stored the information in his head, making a mental note to ask Han about it later.
“Zhongsan is a good choice, they have a good vet program,” he replied instead, walking to his fridge to take a can of beer. She sighed heavily and muttered a faint “I know, he has been using it to justify himself over and over again,” which confirmed Yifan’s doubts earlier.
“He will be in good hands, A yi, I will make sure that he concentrates on his studies, and I will take care of him well,” he promised because he knew she was only going to let Han go because she knew that he was the only person whom she trust. And if she wanted him to make sure that Han was alright, he would do it in a heartbeat.
“Please take care of him well Yifan, please take care of him well for me. I will transfer all the expenses he might need every month, Yun had calculated everything for me so please-,” she pleaded, and Yifan could almost hear the sob she swallowed back.
He felt his throat closing up at the sound as well. It had been six months and the wound hasn’t healed properly for both of them. He washed the tightness with a swig of his beer, letting the bitter taste ground him into place.
“Don’t worry about that, A yi, Han is almost a brother to me too. I’ll let you know how he’s doing every day if you want,” he offered, looking down to the grey fur carpet under his feet. A housewarming present from Yun when he first moved two years ago.
“I’ll- I’ll call you when I need to. Just… remind him to tell me how he is once every few days. Thank you, Yifan. I can never repay you.”
“It’s nothing. He would do the same,” he replied, knowing that she knew who he meant. He bid his goodbye after a few small talks and made sure to comfort her before ending the line, letting the phone fall from his hand to the rug. He looked up to the ceiling as he leaned to the back of the couch, eyes staring into nowhere.
A vibration and a ping from his phone caught his attention, a pop up of message appeared on his locked screen. He opened it and read the message silently. He bit his lip in uncertainty and lets his eyes linger to the rug instead.
Ge, it’s me Han. Thank you for letting me staying over. My flight is on the 27th, 4PM. See you at the airport ^^
*
Yifan never really liked airport that much, there was just something about the endless wave of people that made him feel jittery. It was an ironic really, because he was supposed to be used to it by now. For someone who spent his life crossing countries, he could never seem to stop himself from shifting his weight from foot to foot nervously. Maybe it’s the lack of caffeine, he reasoned, and so he made his way to the Starbucks just across the arrival gate. He leaned to the shop’s wooden pillars as he sipped on his hot espresso, caffeine calming him down significantly, waiting for the brunette to pop into his vision.
Fifteen minute had passed and Yifan wondered if he should call Han because his flight was supposed to land almost forty minutes ago and the arrival board said there was no delay. Just as he was about to take his phone out of his pocket, he heard a loud “GE!” and he looked up as an instinct because finally he’s here- wait what?
Han was dressed in a simple white polo under an oversized green jacket with fur lined hood and skinny jeans, dragging a humongous red suitcase behind him, smiling widely with his signature crinkle around his eyes as he waved on the air. Lu Han was also, to Yifan’s mortification, very much blonde. Blonde.
“Have you been waiting for a long time? I’m sorry ge, I got lost and it took me a long time to retrieve my suitcase,” he chattered away just as he reached Yifan’s normal hearing distance, his lower lip jutting out just slightly and hands flying around as he talk, trying to emphasize his points. A trait that runs in the family, he knew, because both Yun and their mother were also doing the same thing when they were too excited. “And I almost couldn’t find my phone cause I left it in the bathroom on top of the closet and thank god I went back just in time to get it, the cleaner was kind enough to take it and waited until he found the owner!”
“You almost lost your phone,” Yifan deadpanned, brows furrowing on their own accord. “What if the cleaner was a different person or the person who used the cubicle after you took your phone instead, . Jesus Lu Han,” he exasperatedly trying to wrap his head around the situation that would have happened.
“But that didn’t happen and I got my phone back! That’s all that matters. Don’t worry ge, I’m a big boy now and I can take care of myself,” he replied with a huff, frowning at him for a few seconds before he was distracted again. “Oh, Starbucks! Mama won’t let me have any, she said it’s too expensive for a coffee but it tastes so good! Did you buy one? You did!”
Yifan sighed heavily and let the shorter take his cup away to take a large gulp, counting to three in his head. Just right after he counted to three Han made a face, as expected, grimacing at the taste of the coffee. “That’s espresso, didn’t put sugar or milk or anything in it,” he explained almost too triumphantly, taking pride in being one of a handful of people who can shut the younger up. The victory didn’t last long though, because now the doe eyed male in front of him was jutting his lower lip fully, brows furrowed as he looked at him in distaste.
O Lord Above, give your humble servant the strength to lead this doe to his rightful place.
“Queue and pick some frappucino or whatever,” he said finally with a sigh, taking out his wallet and passed a few bills to Han whose frown miraculously turned into a wide grin. “Thank you ge!” he exclaimed as he ran to the end of the queue, which was thankfully short enough. It had been a habit of both Yun and him to give Han sweets or candies when he was younger. Yifan had never had a younger sibling before, and Han was the closest thing to one for him. Yun had doted on him a lot, praised him when he was doing well and tried to talk the problem out whenever they fought. He wasn’t close to Han per se, but watching him growing up from the cry baby to an eighteen year old…
He remembered an incident once, when Yifan had smuggled a chocolate to give to Han past his bedtime on one of his sleepovers. Yun had told him earlier that day that Han had cried the night before because of his nightmares. He didn’t like it when Han cried. It made him feel too many unknown and awkward emotions he didn’t wanna feel, and so he gave the chocolate he bought at lunch just before he went to sleep. Han had cried when he received the chocolate, happily throwing his arms around Yifan, and angrily when his mother found out and took it away from him. He was sixteen back then. What was he thinking?
“Let’s go? I want to see my new home,” Han said around his green straw, taking a sip from his iced drink. Yifan snapped out of his thoughts, wordlessly taking another gulp from his own cup and took Han’s suitcase, guiding him to where his car was parked.
It was a mundane ride back home, well not so much since Han had insisted on plugging his iPod to the stereo system and blasted some weird Korean songs with messy beat until Yifan had to turn the volume to the lowest so he could concentrate in driving. He didn’t make any comment on the silver device on the divider between him and Han, remembering the time when Yun had secretly worked part time to gift him that for his fifteenth birthday. He had chipped in his own money as well to pay a third of the price; Yun wouldn’t let him contribute more than that. He remembered Han’s wide eyes as he looked at them back and forth, leaping to round his arms around both of them. The model was the cheapest, but Han had looked like they had gifted him iPhone 4 instead.
Yifan glanced over a couple of times to make sure that Han was okay as he drove down the road. The younger was looking outside the window, hands clenching the edge of his sweater and the armrest. He saw the younger trembling slightly from the corner of his eyes but whenever he could actually take a look, the younger was staying still, with his eyes glued to the scenery on the other side of the window. Maybe it was some vibration from the engine, he supposed. He hasn’t had a lot of passengers.
“This is where you’ll be staying for… whenever that is. Toe off your shoes,” he instructed as they reached his unit, flipping the switches on as he entered the premises. “I don’t have a guest room for you since this is only a studio, but I have an extra mattress so don’t worry.”
He looked over his shoulder to see if Han was listening but Han was looking around the room with wide eyes instead. Yifan followed his line of gaze and didn’t really get what he was looking at. The living room itself was a modest one; there was a set of black three-seater leather couch with an equally black bean bag next to it in the middle of the room facing the 40 inch TV set on the other side of the wall. A small glass-covered coffee table was situated in front of the couch. The kitchen was just to his left, an open spaced one taking up the corner, with the counter separating the living room and the kitchen.
“Come, I’ll show you the bedroom,” he said as he rolled the obnoxious suitcase along, opening a door which stood a few steps away from the TV set. The bedroom itself was a simple double bed-nightstand-wardrobe combo with black wood, something the previous owner had generously sold to him with cheap price and even offered to repaint them for free. The spare mattress where Yifan will be sleeping for the rest of Han’s stay was not yet set, still leaning to the wall by bed.
“It’s so…,” Han started softly after Yifan had took him to the laundry room and back to the living room, brows furrowing in thought before adding, his voice was trembling in the slightest. “So you.”
Yifan blinked in surprise at the comment and cleared his throat before answering that with a gruff “thank you.” He had purchased the studio unit from her two years ago just after he dropped out of college and moved here to focus on his small online business he set up back in high school.
Han then looked down at the rug and Yifan left to get both of them chilled water. He was still in that position when he returned and that was when he realized the slump on the younger’s shoulders, the line of his spine that seemed to be too rigid to be normal and his nails that were digging to his own palm even as he sat. He looked too pale to be normal and Yifan rushed to his side almost immediately, placing the mugs on the coffee table and crouches in front of him.
There were cold sweat all over him and his hand trembled when Yifan touched it, trying to do the same thing he did to Han months ago on that boat. He looked like he had just been on a ride to hell. “Han, what-,” he asked, frightened and confused, and Han lifted his head to meet his gaze, eyes wide and he seemed to be in trance for a split second before his eyes refocused themselves back to Yifan. “Can I- can I take the bus to go to school? I don’t- don’t wanna trouble you anymore,” Han said in a rush, as if he had practiced it beforehand. “You can show me the nearest station or bus stop and I’ll find my way around. Please?”
At loss of what to say, he took the mug from the coffee table and passed it to Han, who protested at first but meekly accepted it when Yifan gave him a look. “We’ll discuss that later. Now take a shower while I order us takeout. Is pizza okay?” he reached for his phones, pulling each one of them out from his front pockets to the table, unlocking the screen of his personal phone, scrolling down his contacts to look for the pizza place’s number when Han nodded.
A silence was stretching uncomfortably when he ended the call, and Yifan wondered if Han had ever been this quiet before. Now that he took a good look at it, there were faint grey circles under Han’s eyes and his cheeks were hollower than the last time he saw him. His skin looked tired as well, dull and unkempt.
He wanted to ask how he was doing, how he was coping, if he was feeling the same void in his chest like Yifan did when he unconsciously made a call to someone who will never answer on the other line. But instead, what came out of his mouth was a question. “Are you alright?”
Han flicked his eyes to look at him and looked like he was hesitating for a second before replying with a smile that didn’t seem to reach his usually expressive eyes. “Yeah.”
*
It was a week into their co-habitual when he noticed small things about Han. He wasn’t close to Han in the way he was to Yun, and he had never spend this much time with only him. Even though he never had the chance to be really close to Han, he would like to say that he knew Han- he was Yun’s jolly, energetic younger brother who loved his puppy more than math.
But now, he couldn’t really say he knew who Lu Han was. He would start to chatter like how he always would, laughing and irking Yifan to his limit and the next second he would zone out to somewhere only he knew. There were times when he would just watch the TV, eyes reflecting back the lights from the screen but he didn’t seem to pay attention to it, only answering Yifan’s calls for dinner after a few times.
Yifan also noticed that he would shy away from contact as well, as if he had a ward around him that alerted him every time their shoulders brushed accidentally. He didn’t initiate conversations first, though he answered Yifan’s questions like how he usually would. He would only come back to his previous self when he was talking to Yifan, he concluded from across the table, eating a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs, sausages and broccoli.
“Excited? It’s your first day of orientation right?” he started casually, testing out his theory. Han was toying with his broccoli, not really eating anything more than half of his plate. Yifan noticed this too, and he had come to a conclusion that Han seemed to eat more when he was around, maybe because he would report it to his mother if he didn’t.
True to his thoughts, Han snapped his head up and his lips parted for a second before nodding, lips curling up to a wide smile. “Yeah, I’m not sure of what to expect ge. I don’t know if I will be okay there, but I’m also really excited!” he answered, taking the broccoli up with his fork and ate it. Yifan made sure to wait for a few seconds before replying, eyes trained to Han’s plate and Han cut a piece of his sausage, scooped up some egg with it before eating them as well.
“You’ll be fine, don’t worry. Just make sure to stick to your fellow freshmen and don’t look at any of your seniors on their eyes. I heard Zhongsan is kinda harsh,” he added jokingly, although he knew that the situation won’t be that bad. Han’s eyes went wide and he let out a strangled noise, frowning. “Okay. I’ll make sure not to ge,” his tone of voice dropped.
Yifan made a show of checking his work phone for new mails and he saw Han’s demeanour changing yet again; his shoulders lowering and he went back to roll his food around. He wasn’t sure if he should ask to Han’s mother if he was always like this or just let it be. Han’s mother would be even more worried and he would like A yi to think that he was doing a good job in taking care of his youngest son.
“Are you sure you want to take the bus? I can take you there, it’s fine. It’s not like I have any definite time to clock in or whatever,” he tried again for the third time that morning. Han had insisted, continuously, that he didn’t want to trouble him by taking him everywhere when he can do it all by himself. It wasn’t like he had never done it before, he said. But Yifan was worried and a worried Yifan was a persistent Yifan.
Han gave him a look that he knew all too well, seeing it often on Yun when he thought Yifan was being really stupid. He was not stupid. He was being rational. But that look just brought another hollowness to his mind and he relented, letting Han to do what he wanted. “Just be safe,” he said finally when Han was slipping into his sneakers, backpack slung over one shoulder stylishly.
“I will ge. I’ll be going, see you later ge!” Han grinned and waved, walking through the door and shutting it before Yifan could say anything else. He sighed and went back to finish his coffee, sipping it slowly to clear his thoughts. He was worried because Han was now in his hands. Because his mother trusted Yifan that Yifan would keep him safe. Because Yun wasn’t here anymore but Yifan was.
Sometimes, it felt like everything was just some twisted prank that Yun would pull on him back on the day, when they were still two immature fools who knew nothing wasting their time on the most useless things. Yun had always been the more upbeat one. The world knew Yifan as the one who had this look on his face that scared everyone off on first glance. Yun was the type of person who would go around and smile to even the worst asshole on Earth.
The Yun he knew had no reason why he’d do the unthinkable. He had no reason to, and he shouldn’t have, not when he was the one who pulled Yifan away from the edge of the rooftop all those years ago. Taking his own life? That seemed to be really absurd even to Yifan. And Yifan prided himself for being the one who knew Lu Yun inside and out. They had been brothers for almost half of their life. Yifan, out of all people, would be the first to know or understand why Yun would do that… right?
One of the most common reason why suicide happens, Yifan had read somewhere prior to this, is because of pressure. Be it peer pressure, or societal pressure, or just pressure from stress. It wasn’t that Yun was dealing with pressures or anything. Or at least, Yun had never told him anything if there was. But he would like to believe that they shared everything to each other, leaving no dirty secrets behind ever since they were fourteen. The thought of Yun hiding something from him was absurd, impossible.
Yun would complain about the expectations, but that was given. He had worked his way up and proven himself, and he knew the consequences that would come with it. Yifan was different, and that was why he dropped out of college and chose the easy way out. Maybe this time, something happened and the easy way out for Yun was to say goodbye to everything he had ever dreamed of... What happened and why now, out of all times?
There were so many questions left unanswered in Yifan’s mind and he wasn’t sure if knowing these answers would make him feel more relieved or heavier. Yun had helped him out of the biggest slump in his life, and he had thought he had done the same too. Apparently not.
He glanced at the clock just above the kitchen counter and rose from his seat, dropping his dirty plate into the sink. He then ate Han’s leftovers - he never finished anything he ate - and dropped the plate down into the sink as well. Work would help to clear his thoughts. It always did.
*
Yifan woke up because of a shrilling scream.
It was a few days after Han’s first orientation day and he jolted up in surprise, hitting his head to the foot of his - no, Han’s - bed. He was always a deep sleeper and to be awoken by this meant that the scream had been going on for a while now. He sat up and looked to the master bed, who was supposed to occupy by a sleeping Han, and his eyes widened when he noticed that Han was the one who made the painful screams.
“No… no- ge, ge…,” he heard, the screams had turned into broken sobs and Yifan went to his side and places his palm on Han’s forehead. It wasn’t burning, but Han’s honey blonde hair had turned a shade darker, sticking onto his forehead. “Hey, Han, wake up,” he tried to wake Han up by shaking his shoulders gently to get him out of his unconsciousness.
Han trashed and continued to sob again, limbs twisting on the sheets as if he was trying to get away from something. Yifan had to pry his hands away from the sheets and called out for him louder. “Han, wake up. It’s not real, just a nightmare. Wake up.”
The louder voice seemed to bring Han back and he sat up immediately with wide eyes, chest heaving and his eyes frantically darting around before Yifan held his face with his palms, trying to make him focusing back. “Han, it’s Yifan ge. You’re here now, you’re safe. It’s okay now,” he said with the same volume, only gentler this time. Han slowly recovered and realized where he was before he clutched at Yifan’s wrist, eyes closing as he tried to catch his breath and calm himself down.
“It’s just a dream, it’s not real. You don’t have to worry alright? I’m here, nothing can hurt you,” he said softly, trying to soothe Han out of his nightmare. It had always been a tight feat, but Yifan had first-hand experiences with this before and Han had always listened to him. “It’s just like last time, you know? You’ll wake up and it will be gone. I promise you it’ll go away when you wake up, so sleep now. I’ll make sure that it’ll leave you alone, okay?
Yifan kept talking to him, repeating the same things over and over again to make sure that he was fully out of it. It had always worked on Han when he was younger, when he would come to Yun’s room crying and afraid. Yifan dismissed the memory before it could take him away from the present. He had priorities to follow through.
“Go to sleep, xiao lu. I’ll be here when you wake up,” he said as he coaxed Han back under the covers, brushing his hair away from his forehead in hopes of helping him him sleep better. Han had looked at him with an unreadable expression before drifting back off to sleep, breath evening out after a while.
What the hell was that? Yifan thought, looking at the sleeping figure on his bed with a deep frown. What kind of nightmare would make Han trashed on the bed like he was drowning? Did it have anything to do with Yun? Was tonight the only night it happened? Had Han always been having nightmares after Yun’s departure? Was this the first time he had one ever since he moved in?
He recalled back to what Han was mumbling desperately in his sleep and his furrow deepened. There was something that Han was hiding, that haunted him even in his sleep. Grief wasn’t this potent, he thought. But something had definitely made it so for Han. His eyes wandered to Han’s dark circles. Now he knew why.
He found it hard to go back to sleep so he decided to stay on his new bed, sitting cross-legged and trying to make sense to the situation as he watched over Han, making sure that the nightmares won’t come back again. Han would switch back and forth from lying on his back to his stomach before turning to his side, curling up to himself like a fetus.
It was in that position when Han finally opened his eyes, blinking slowly, and Yifan scooted closer to him, asking if he was alright. Han didn’t answer right away, only looking at Yifan with a gaze that was too clear for someone who had just awoken before answering his question with a simple “I’m hungry.”
Yifan didn’t know if he should feel glad or worried at the answer. He shook his head to clear that thought away.
“Go wash up and I’ll fix something for us to eat. Is cereal okay?” he asked, slowly standing up and pushing the mattress back under the bed. He saw Han nodding at him when Yifan stood upright again and hummed, telling him to go out when he was done.
Breakfast wasn’t something eventful compared to last night’s havoc. Han didn’t even mention anything about his nightmare and Yifan wasn’t sure if he should ask him about it. He was still a stranger after all, in some sense. He stole glances once in a while to Han, who stirred the milk soaked cereal around, meeting his gaze a few times and ate a spoonful when he did. Kris made sure he finished at least three fourth of his bowl this time before sending him off.
“Be safe, text me when you get to the campus,” he said, calling out just as he heard Han shuffling into his shoes. He didn’t get any replies whatsoever before he heard the door shutting close. He didn’t realize that he was gripping the metal spoon too hard as he scooped himself spoonful of cereal, methodically chewing and gulping out of habit before a ping came from his personal phone just by the side of his bowl.
In the bus now. Han sent him a message. Will text you again after I reach campus. Eat well ge! ^^
“I want you to eat well, stupid,” he muttered, typing a short reply back, and that was how their constant texting had started.
*
The more Yifan paid attention to the doe eyed male, the more he sensed that something was off. Just now, Lu Han had blatantly refused to let Yifan drove him to school, even though he was running late. There would be enough time for Lu Han to even relax if he had accepted Yifan’s help, but he had stubbornly said that he could take the bus just fine.
“You need a ride, Lu Han, and I’m offering you one. What’s so bad about taking up an offer? You need to get to your lecture hall now and I can take you there faster with my car,” Yifan reasoned again, frowning as Lu Han tried to tie his shoelaces up frantically, only he messed it even more. He glanced at the clock to find that it was forty five minutes until Lu Han’s first class of the day started.
“The bus takes exactly forty five minutes to get there, ge, I can manage,” Han said as he redid the knot all over again, finally successful this time. He let out a small triumphant noise and slung his backpack over one shoulder, the weight of his laptop making him slumping in a weird way. Yifan knew that he had to stand for the whole ride at this rush hour, and he couldn’t simply let Han do this to himself just because he didn’t want to feel bad.
“You can’t hold that weight for a long time, Han. Listen to me,” he added tersely when Han made a beeline for the front door, and Yifan had to use the overprotective brother card. Han turned around with a small frown and his feet were restlessly tapping to the floor. “You need to let me drive you there. We’re wasting more time debating on this, and you’re running late. Let me drive you to the campus.”
Han looked at him with a deep frown and he spat out in annoyance, words coming out harshly than Yifan had expected. “Well maybe if you’d just stop talking and let me go to my fucking campus now, I won’t be as late,” he turned around fully to face Yifan and stared at him with cold eyes.
“Lu Han,” Yifan stared at him incredulously, anger starting to burn in his throat and he could feel his face heating up in rage. “I’m older than you and your brother’s best friend. I will not be spoken to like that.”
“Please shove the lecture up your ass ‘cause I don’t need your fucking help. Who are you to tell me what to do? And let me attend my fucking class. Bye, ge,” he spat the last word to Yifan’s face as he slammed the door behind him, the sound echoed as Yifan stood there with wide eyes.
He didn’t notice that his fingers were curled up tightly until he felt slight pain on his palm. He took a deep breath and glanced at his hand to find crescent shaped marks on his palm, and he shook his head. Fuck coffee, he strode to the fridge and opened it, taking a can of beer out.
Halfway through his beer, he exhales shakily, elbows on his knees as he hung his head low. He was just trying to be helpful, trying to do what was expected of him as Han’s guardian. He was trying to act accordingly and do what he thought was right. Why couldn’t Han see that? Was he being too overboard? Way out of the line? He took another gulp as Han’s words echoed in his mind like a blade. He didn’t have to curse on him for trying to be nice. Who taught him to speak that way?
Yifan bit his lip and groaned into his palm, messing up his raven hair even more, closing his eyes, and trying to calm himself down. Yun would know what to do. Yun always knew what to do. And he did exactly what Yun would do in this situation… right?
Struck at the realization, he opened his eyes again, blinking as his mind went numb. Was he trying to be Yun for Han? Had he been acting like Yun for the past two months? He was just… he couldn’t finish his own trail of thought. He tightened his grip around the beer can until he heard the sound of the metal yielding to his clutch.
He took his work phone out from his sweatpants’ pocket and typed a text to one of his staff that he won’t be going to the office today. He pressed ‘send’ after re-reading it, making sure it sounded urgent enough before throwing it to the space next to him. He caught the sight of his personal phone on the coffee table and reached out to take it, unlocking the phone and scrolled his contacts down. His thumb hovered on A yi’s contact details but he quickly locked his phone back and tossed it back to the table.
*
It was Yifan’s birthday and he had forgotten it himself until he saw the huge banner with the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOFO BOSS’ written across hanging from the top of his desk. He glanced around at all of his staff, all eight of them who were wearing tacky party hats and holding confetti blowers with their grins so widely painted on their faces. Yifan squinted his eyes, making a judgemental face, gaze alternating on each of their head and hand.
“What-,” he started, blinking in surprise when someone slapped him harshly on the back. He let out a loud, pained grunt at the force and reached behind to rub the injury when he saw Amber shoving something to his face. “What is this,” he finished his sentence, though now it was directed to the stapled pieces of paper in front of him.
“The receipts for making that banner and buying the party stuff for you. Please redeem it to us soon. Happy birthday boss,” Zhou Mi explained it kindly as he fixed his hat to make it less tilted, hanging weirdly on top of his left ear. Yifan stared at him and back to the receipts again, muttering curses under his breath.
“Hey it’s your birthday, cheer up! Wait- don’t tell me you don’t even know that today is November 6th-,”Jjia asked with a horrified gasp, her perfectly manicured black and white nails gleaming mockingly at him. “How could you not remember your own birthday? And I thought you’re smart. I’m filing a resignation later today, I refuse to work under you.”
Yifan rolled his eyes at her dramatic flair, as always, and retorted back in auto pilot. “Oh finally you will, after saying that for a year straight without fail.” Fei snorted from her desk, hiding her face with her hair and Yifan somehow felt a sense of triumph. “Step the game up, Jie, though today is a good one.”
Jia side eyed him and made a show of hitting his shoulder as she walked past him to get to her desk beside Fei’s. Yifan shook his head at her antics again and dropped his messenger bag to his confetti covered desk. He would tell Zitao to clean it for him. That kid needed to do some real job as an intern and not fawning over Jia’s new collection of Chrome Heart F/W 2014.
“But seriously though, did you really forget that today’s your birthday?” Henry asked as he passed him the new order sheets that need to be filed and sent this week. Yifan scanned through the content and nodded without looking at him. “Yeah, I had too much on my mind. Besides I don’t really look at the calendar every day to count down to my birthday,” he replied as he sipped on the Starbucks he bought on his way here. He needed the extra caffeine shot to keep himself sane.
“Well, we did forget that it was your birthday last year. You surprised us when you said your best friend was coming over from Beijing to celebrate it with you,” he pointed out, picking at the stray confetti on his polo, clearly not planning on leaving Yifan alone any time soon. “What’s been happening lately though? You seem distracted. It’s not like you at all. The last time you’ve been like this was when he, you know,” he added quietly, glancing at Yifan with concerned look. Yifan sighed and shook his head, not planning on telling him the reason why.
The morning had been a really cold one for him. Heck, this week had been a cold week for him. Han was giving him the silent treatment and slamming the door every time he went out, not bothering with breakfast at all, sleeping with his back to Yifan the whole time, and refusing any type of conversation that was directed towards him. It was as if Han were acting as if Yifan didn’t exist.
It wasn’t like Yifan didn’t try. It was the opposite- he tried so damn hard to ease the unnecessary tension between them but Han was avoiding him like the plague. He tried to sleep later and woke up earlier to make sure that didn’t have any nightmare fit again, but it occurred twice in the span of this week. Han had swatted his hand away when he realized that Yifan had woken him up and scooted further down the bed, covering the blanket up until his face was hidden and slept that way until the next morning.
He hasn’t told A yi about his drift with Han because he didn’t want to make her worry. He didn’t know if Han had told her about it though, but from the lack of phone calls from her, it seemed like he didn’t. Yifan had ran out of ideas of what to do to fix this. It had only been two months, and one or two weeks more, and he didn’t want to live with Han like this for the rest of his stay. Yifan was just lost and he didn’t know what to do.
“Say,” he said finally, and Henry was perking up, leaning closer to hear him better. “What to do to make someone talk to you again?” he asked with a nonchalant tone, not wanting to make it seem as catastrophic as it actually was. Henry looked at him with a baffled look, probably was taken aback by the random question, and he suddenly clapped his hands. “Oh,” he said. “Oh.”
Yifan looked at him with crooked brow, not liking the way his smile widened slowly as if he had just found out the secret to Tutankhamen’s curse. “What,” he deadpans.
“You’re seeing someone! Oh my god, so that’s why you’ve been brooding like a hormonal teenager and grumpier than an 80 year old virgin grandma! It’s because you didn’t get any for the past week!” Henry exclaimed loudly and Yifan scrambled to shut that fucking mouth up. When he managed to succeed, though, the whole office was looking at him in surprise, astonishment, and disbelief.
“No that’s not true... case dismissed. Go back to your work or I’ll deduct your pay,” he growled, and that seemed to shut everyone up from saying anything. Satisfied at the now calm atmosphere, He sent Henry a look of pure loath and dragged him by the back of his collar out of the small office space to the emergency staircase just a few doors away.
“I would appreciate it if you shut the fuck up and stop jumping to the wrong conclusion,” he said as soon as he released his hold on Henry’s collar, brows furrowed deeply. Henry looked like he was torn between laughing and being afraid. “Hey man, I thought it was true okay. You looked like-hmp!!!”
“Another word and you can say goodbye to your pay for this month,” Yifan threatened as he shut the shorter male up with his palm again. The said male nodded furiously and tugged at Yifan’s wrist, which Yifan let go after a few seconds. “Now tell me the real answer. What do I do to make someone talk to me again?”
“One second,” Henry held a finger up, taking a few deep breaths before facing him again. “Is this person younger than you?” he asked, and Yifan nodded in reply. “Shorter?” another nod. “You’ve known this person for more than a few months?”
“I’ve known him for almost half of his life,” he muttered in response, feeling even more depressed than before they started this talk. “Holy shit- it’s a he? Wow man I’ve never thought you swing that way-,” Yifan glared at him again and Henry shut his own mouth up almost immediately, mumbling a small ‘sorry’.
“He’s not my boyfriend - and no I don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend, don’t look at me like that - and I haven’t been able to talk to him for the past week. He acts as if I don’t exist,” he sighed and shook his head, knowing that this talk would be pointless by the way it went. But hey, a desperate Yifan was a persistent Yifan. He needed a way out and goddamn it if he didn’t have one on his own birthday.
“Uh. Use your birthday as an excuse to talk to him? I guess?” Henry meekly suggested, smiling awkwardly as he crossed his arms in front of him. “Like, I don’t know, tell him it’s your birthday today and guilt trip him to talk to you that way? Okay that sounds completely childish, uh.”
Yifan turned to look at him for a few seconds as his gears were grinding up in his head, frown slowly subsiding and he gripped Henry’s shoulders with his lips stretching into a wide grin. “That’s the best thing you’ve ever said for the whole year, man. Thanks for the help!” he patted his shoulder for a good measure and felt his steps were lighter as he walked back to the office.
Today was his birthday after all. O Dear Lord, thank you for saving your lost lamb and please guide him back to the right path.
*
Part II