[FOR KHRYSALLIS1106] Let Go of Time [2/2]

[krishanthemods]

Part I

He goes to see Lu Han’s performance on almost a weekly basis, mostly with Joonmyun, Sehun and Zitao. But slowly he starts going by himself, spending time with Lu Han afterwards until both have to go home.

Kris invites him to museums, the parks and they walk around sometimes with they hands intertwined. Kris always blushes a little when it’s Lu Han the one who initiates it. This is what Kris loves about how their relationship is playing out. They care for each other, lavish the other with attention.

He’s always wanted to be taken care of someone and for someone to take care of him in return.

Slowly they start to open up to each other. Lu Han stays at Kris’ apartment often, or they just talk on the phone for hours. He learns that Lu Han’s parents aren’t really okay with him quitting his job, but don’t entirely hate him for it either and help out when they.

“You’re so lucky.” Kris holds his phone to his ear as he rolls over on his bed. “My parents wouldn’t support me at all. I’d be out on my own defenses.”

“Yeah, I guess I am pretty lucky. Seriously though Kris, you can still pursue photography.”
Kris shakes his head even though Lu Han can’t see. “It’s pointless. My job takes up a lot of time and I feel to tired to do much. Besides I probably suck now.” He can almost feel Lu Han roll his eyes at him from the other line.

“That’s because you haven’t practiced in years! You can’t expect to be good without any experience on the field. Go out and get some! I-” Kris hears Minseok on the other line and Lu Han murmuring at a distance. “I have to go Kris, I’ll see you tomorrow after work then?”

Tomorrow is Sunday and Kris invited Lu Han over to watch movies and probably eat pizza or something equally as junky. “Yes.”

“Alright. Good night, Kris.”

Kris smiles widely as he replies “Good night.” into the phone.

Lu Han arrives at around two pm the next day, his hair wet from a shower. Kris gives him his gummy style without really meaning to. “Hey.” he says as he steps aside so Lu Han can come in.

Lu Han takes in Kris’ apartment a little bit in awe, but he returns Kris’ smile. “Hi. So, what are we watching today?”

Kris closes the door and shrugs, walking over to where the movies are at the t.v stand. “You can pick them out, I have a lot of movies.” Kris opens the cabinet door and there is four decently sized shelves filled with dvds and blue ray.

“Whoa, how will I ever pick?” Lu Han giggles, but he isn’t looking at Kris, he’s looking at the pictures on the wall to left of where the t.v is. “Where are these from? Did you go these places?”

“Yeah,” Kris starts to point each one out “This one is when I went Berlin, and I took these when I went to visit my family in China.”

“I haven’t been to China in a long time.” Lu Han face saddens, but just for a moment. He turns to Kris with bright eyes. “So you took all of these yourself?”

Kris nods “I was still in university when I went.”

Lu Han’s look at the pictures again. “Not bad Kris, you have skills. They have a really good quality to them. Did you use a professional camera?”

Kris hums in agreement. “Its been stored away for years now though.” Lu Han looks a little disappointed at that, but does say anything and picks out a movie for them to watch.

They sit on the couch holding hands, Lu Han’s head on his shoulder. Kris rubs circles into his hand, occasionally squeezing. When the movie is over Kris tries to get to change the film but Lu Han stops him.

“What is it?” Lu Han shakes his head and kisses Kris’ check, pulling back to see Kris’ reaction and when Kris doesn’t say anything Lu Han brings his hands to Kris face, staring at Kris lips.

He gets the message and leans in to close the distance between them. Lu Han’s lips are just as soft as he’s always imagined them to be. Kris hears Lu Han sharp inhale and his hands in his hair as Lu Han deepens the kiss.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for weeks now.” Kris blushes at Lu Han’s confession when the part. Kris leans back in to capture his lips in another deep kiss.

The rest of the day is spent eating and kissing on the couch, talking about silly things.

Kris can’t take the smile off his face when he’s at work. The whole day he’s been either staring at the window or his computer dreamily thinking about Lu Han, the smiles he directs at Kris, the long talks they have, and his sweet, hot, kisses. Kris blushes thinking about them.

“Oh my god.” He hears Sehun say next to him. The look Sehun is giving him is one of disgust. “Who are you and what have you done with Kris? You’re worse than Zitao!” Zitao looks up indignantly “Hey!” Sehun ignore Zitao’s comment “Look at you blushing like a teenage girl at the thought of your boyfriend.”

“He isn’t my boyfriend.” Kris mumbles, while he’s happy that because he’s met Lu Han Kris is getting closer to his teammates he hates that now they feel the right to tease him about almost everything. There’s a price to pay for everything.

Zitao snorts, “He might as well be. You guys walk around the city holding hands and even though you two just say you’re ‘hanging out’ it’s obvious it’s a date. Did you guys kiss already?”

Kris knows there’s no point in lying, Zitao will just see right through him. “Yeah, last night.”

Joonmyun smiles at him. “Just ask him to be your boyfriend then. If you’re worried he’ll say no don’t worry about. It’s obvious you two really like each other.”

Sehun gives him another disgusted look “Yeah, it’s obvious by the goo goo eyes you two make at each other after Lu Han’s done performing at the bar.” Kris tries to pinch Sehun’s side but isn’t fast enough. Sehun pushes himself away and stick his tongue out at Kris, letting his rolling chair move him out of Kris reach.

Kris glares and goes back to busying himself with his work and his teammates giggle at his behavior. Kris doesn’t think he’s ever blushed so hard in front of the others in his entire time at S.M Cosmetics.

On his way home Kris pulls out his phone and texts Lu Han.

So what are your plans for this upcoming Sunday?

It takes a few minutes for him to get a response, Kris passing his phone back and forth in his hands anxiously.

I got nothing other than work until noon again. Did you want to see me again ;)

Kris chuckles and texts back Yeah. Lets go on a date. Kris gets a response almost instantly.

Haven’t we been dating for a while now? Lu Han sends a confused emoji.

We never really called it a date? But technically we have been, I meant a real date. Like… idk… official or somthing. We can get dinner… and watch a movie… and then walk around aimlessly.

You’re a walking chique. Kris smiles as he reads Lu Han text But yea… I’d love to.

They get dinner at an indie Chinese restaurant and catch up on each other’s week since both didn’t get the chance to hang out prior to this. Lu Han covers Kris’ hand with his own on the table, and Kris ignores any mean looks sent their way. His entire world shrunk down to Lu Han.

“That place was good,” Lu Han says as they leave the restaurant “thank you for paying for me. I’ll pay for the movie.”

Kris shakes his head and reaches to intertwine his hand with Lu Han’s. “I asked you out on a date, remember? I’m paying.”

Lu Han looks guiltily at the sidewalking “...But you always pay.” Kris shrugs “I don’t mind. I just want to be with you.”

“You’re so cheesy, I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.”

The movie they go see is a French foreign film that doesn’t make any sense to either of them. Kris thinks Lu Han picked this movie out on purpose because a third of the way in Lu Han puts his hand behind Kris’ head and pulls him in for a heated kiss.

Kris kisses back just as roughly as he’s being kissed running his hands through Lu Han’s hair and tilting his head so the angle is less awkward for him. Lu Han arches pretty against him and drops his mouth open. Kris groans involuntarily and Lu Han pulls away with a smirk before leaning back in.

They watched some of the movie after that, although most of it is blur because both are making out most of the time. Their kiss varying from passionate, to sweet and soft pecks.

Kris drapes his arm around Lu Han’s shoulders as the walk out of the theater. Lu Han lets out a please sound and wraps his arm around Kris’ waist, snuggling against his side. “That was a good movie.”

“You didn’t even see most of it, we ended up making out the entire time.”

Lu Han looks up coyly at him “Is that what it was?” Kris rolls his eyes and Lu Han’s coy expression is exchanged with a shiteating grin.

Kris stops them when they reach an empty side block and he wraps his arms around Lu Han, looking down at him. “It’s getting late, stay the night with me.”

“I’m sorry but we just started dating.” Lu Han says teasingly. “I don’t spend the night with someone on the first date.”

Kris blushes and stutters a bit “I didn’t- Don’t take it like that- I-” Lu Han laughs at him, Kris can feel the way his body shakes from it in his arms.

When Lu Han stops laugh he looks up at Kris brightly. Kris thinks Lu Han’s face is brighter than the full moon in the sky. Lu Han rests his chin against Kris chest. “I know, I know you just don’t want me to go home so late at night.”

“If I ask you to be my boyfriend, will that make it sound more appealing?”

Lu Han grins “It’ll help.” Lu Han gets up on his tip toes and kisses him. It steals Kris breath away and he holds Lu Han closer to him as if that will give him the air he needs. Kris is so happy he could burst into a million pieces.

Kris wanted to tell Lu Han he couldn’t make it to the show tonight. They’ve been official for a month and a half now, and they’ve been seeing each other for around three, but things at work have been picking up again and it makes Kris feel miserable. He woke up with dampened spirits and didn’t want to make Lu Han deal with his mood. Kris couldn’t even bear being around himself when he got like this.

But he promised Lu Han he’d be there since Kris had to decline Lu Han’s past four invitations to hang out due to work. Also as of late Kris feels happier when Lu Han is around, especially with how their relationship is developing. He feels himself smiling more, smiling at Lu Han.
And when Kris hears Lu Han sing so passionately it makes his heart ache, in a good way. So Kris shows up anyway, dressed in his best as always. This time though also to impress Lu Han, impress the people that will see him with the other.

Lu Han is tending the bar and he smiles at Kris widely, his eyes sparkling even more under the neon signs. “I knew you wouldn’t let me down.” Kris smiles, feeling his mood lift. He’d love to kiss Lu Han right now, but he doesn’t want to get him in trouble at work. Instead he sits in the stool in front of Lu Han and asks for a beer.

Lu Han hands it to him and Kris lets his fingers touch Lu Han’s, caressing them. “Thanks.” Kris gives him a flirty smile. He sees the dusty shade of pink on Lu Han’s cheeks and smirks.

They stay in a comfortable silence, Lu Han cleaning the bar for tonight. Kris sips at his beer, letting himself relax and try to be happy. He is happy to be with Lu Han, but his earlier mood isn’t letting him enjoy himself completely.

“Hey, Kris” Lu Han whispers, looking around the bar. “Hmm?” Kris hums. Lu Han leans in and kisses him, quick but firm, and it steal Kris’ breath away. He pulls away as quickly as he kissed him. Kris licks his lips and blushes, hard. He looks down at his beer bottle helplessly, but not before he could see Lu Han smile slyly at him.

“I have to go work in the back now but Minseok should be here soon. I’ll see you later.”

Kris smiles until Lu Han is out of his line of sight.

When Lu Han performs that night he is staring only at Kris, as if they were the only ones there. Kris smiles at him the entire time and tries to out clap everyone in the room when Lu Han finishes. Lu Han gives him a on of his sunny smiles, the one where his doe eyes sparkle a little bit more.

Kris waits for him outside the building, looking at the colorful signs and street lights.

“Alright, I’m ready.” Lu Han says behind him. Kris turns around and gives him a peck on the cheek. “You were amazing tonight.” Lu Han gives him a wicked smile.

“Want to come over for a bit? You’ve never been to my apartment before.” Lu Han says as his face is pressed to Kris chest.

Kris doesn’t think thats a good idea. It’s taking every bit of strength to act happy in front of Lu Han, he isn’t sure how long he can keep it up. “I don’t know, I kin-”

“Please?” Lu Han pulls away from a small pout on his lips. Its cute how Lu Han is unaware of how precious he can be.

Kris lets out a long breath as if he were incredibly put upon. “Okay.” He smiles at Lu Han and the other returns it.

The apartment looked old and worn, as if it hadn’t received any attention in the past fifty years. To be fair, it probably hasn’t. The walls have definitely seen better days, and he couldn’t tell if there was mold on the farthest corner of the room or if it was dirt stains. Kris didn’t think it made a difference.

The furniture was probably all thrifted. Kris made a face of disgust, making sure Lu Han didn’t notice. It was so different from his own place. It made Kris think that having his current job was totally worth it if it meant he didn’t have to live in a place like this, but he still felt bad that Lu Han had to live in these conditions.

“ I can hear your thoughts. They’re written all over your face.” Lu Han laughs. Kris jumps at that, startled. He blushes hard at the comment, feeling embarrassed he was caught. Kris had been sure Lu Han wasn’t looking at him.

But he also turns red because of Lu Han’s laugh, the sound light and airy. It makes Kris’ heart swell. He clears his throat and stomps out the feeling as best he can.

“Sorry… I just- I’ve never had to live in a place like this.” Kris says carefully gesturing at the worn walls, the paint peeling. He didn’t know what to say. Is it really worth following your dreams if you have to struggle like this?

His parents would probably show him a place like this when he was a teenager. This is what will happen if you pursue photography. You’ll live in a dump like this and struggle to pay rent. Now, that wouldn’t be necessary since he fears having to suffer financially. Kris feels a pang in his heart at the thought and tries to stop any sort of emotion to show on his face. Hoping this time he’s lucky enough for Lu Han not to notice his struggle.

“Mmm...“ Lu Han hums, staring at Kris thoughtfully. “I guess the luckier folk living in New York City don’t have to worry living in a place like this... or the unlucky, depending on circumstances.” He gives Kris a meaningful look and Kris just frowns in response.

What he said didn’t make any sense. Why would someone who could afford to live somewhere nicer be unlucky about not having to worry about a place like this?

Lu Han just smiles at, something akin to pity in his eyes, and goes to busy himself in the kitchen. For a small moment, Kris feels angry. He doesn’t need Lu Han’s pity. Kris is the one who should be pitying him. Kris may not be in a job he entirely loves, but he isn’t the one struggling every day.

But when the anger passes Kris doesn’t know how to respond. Should he respond to what Lu Han said or just ignore it? He hesitates before deciding on the latter and moving to sit on one of the breakfast bar stools.

Lu Han places a light blue ceramic Chinese tea cup, this one however is slightly larger. “I don’t know if you wanted Jasmine tea.” Lu Han says “I probably should have asked what you’d like, but-” Lu Han cuts himself off and just shrugs, giving him a small smile. Kris wants to ask Lu Han to finish what his sentence. Wants to ask what goes on in Lu Han’s head all the time. What makes Lu Han happy despite the financial struggle.

Kris assumed that Lu Han struggled financially since both Lu Han and Minseok work two jobs but now that he knows where Lu Han lives he is really beginning to understand.

He makes a small noise, confirming that he heard what Lu Han said and takes a sip. It’s piping hot but Kris finds it surprisingly soothing. It reminds him of when he was younger and he starts to feel nostalgic. Remembering the times he spent with his parents. This time Kris welcomes it.

Kris admires the cup in his hands. Lu Han has taken the seat next to him with a similar cup, but his is a pale minty color. The design is similar to Kris’ but slightly off.

“They’re pretty, aren’t they?” Lu Han asks and Kris turns to look at him blankly.

“What is?”

“The cups. A friend of mine hand made them. We met at the bar one night I was serving drinks and hit it off. She’s really talented.”

And for the second time tonight Kris doesn’t know how to respond. Kris doesn’t even know why he’s here to begin with. Why did he accept Lu Han’s invitation to come to his apartment? Even before he went to the bar to see Lu Han perform he felt off. So many weird emotions he couldn’t place tugging at his every bit of his being recently. It made Kris feel anxious.

“Is everything okay?” Lu Han asks, peering at him curiously “You seem off today.”

Kris forces a smile. The same smile he gives his coworkers at work when he can’t suppress his own misery, the one that never reaches his eyes. “I’m fine.” he replies stoutly “Its just been a long day that’s all. I think I’m just tired.”

Lu Han’s face changes to one of concern and Kris can’t help but feel pleased, pleased that Lu Han cares about him. That Kris is important to him, at least enough to show worry.

Kris feels Lu Han’s lips against his own then, just for a moment. Lu Han’s hand cups Kris face, rubbing his ear soothingly. “Do you want to talk about it?” Kris just shakes his head, basking in Lu Han’s attention. He leans back in to press short kisses to Lu Han’s lips.

There is a small pause before Kris stands up and says “I should go rest.” with another quite not smile on his face. He wants to leave and deal with his emotions alone. But at the same time he wants to be around Lu Han. Kris feels better when he’s with him, but right now he is only remember that the life Lu Han is living is the one his parents didn’t want for him.

Lu Han gives him a small smile. “I understand. It must be hard working that fancy marketing position right?” chuckling a bit “I’ll see you out.”

They bid their goodbyes at the door. “Sleep well, Kris. Be safe.” Lu Han says and flashes him a warm, bright, smile that Kris can’t help but smile back, a real one this time. He leans down to kiss Lu Han, warm and sweet, despite the ugly emotions he’s feeling. He says “You too, good night.” before making his way out of the building and catching a taxi. Maybe he should start using his car again.

Kris tries avoiding going back to Lu Han’s apartment after that, he invites Lu Han to his own place instead or asks him out to a restaurant, the park, museum, movies, anywhere but that apartment. If Lu Han hasn’t caught on, he’s bound to.

He isn’t ashamed of Lu Han, of where he works and where he lives, but it makes him sad. Lu Han doesn’t have to live like that but he chooses to anyway.

This has always been the small problem between them though. Kris knows he is materialistic. He likes to buy nice things and enjoys spending the money he earns. Lu Han on the other hand is more about the experience, what he’s feeling. But that is also what attracts him to Lu Han even more. They are similar in so many ways but there a differences that creates balance in their relationship.

Apart from these little annoyances though things are going well. Kris feels so happy he could burst. It reflects with his co-workers, when he goes out on his own. The problem is work keeps stressing him out. Stress and his own repressed emotions is what keeps Kris mood changing everyday. He doesn’t try to let it all out, but with Lu Han he’s getting better.

Kris doesn’t want Lu Han to see him like that though, and he doesn’t want everything that annoys him about the other blow up in his face one day. He wants to make sure Lu Han’s smile stays on his face, even if Kris disagrees with it.

All he can do is support Lu Han as much as possible.

Kris buries his face in the crook of Lu Han’s neck, Lu Han’s hand running through Kris’ scalp soothingly. “I’m so tired, but it’s done. That stupid project is done and we’re good for a while. Work has been so stressful.” They’re at Lu Han’s apartment, Kris couldn’t find a way to get out of it today.

“I know it has been.” Lu Han presses a kiss to Kris’ forehead. He presses himself closer to Lu Han, hugging tightly, inhaling Lu Han’s scent. “Any job is like that, but you’re good at what you do. You should do things outside of work maybe? To help take things off your mind?”

He snorts, pulling away. “You’re talking about photography again, aren’t you? We’ve gone through this, there is no point.”

Lu Han remains calm “Your camera is just stored away in box in your closet. It was expensive, put it to good use. Even if it doesn’t end up in a gallery, just start doing it again.”

“Can we please not talk about this?” Lu Han looks disappointed, but doesn’t press the subject. Kris feels a little guilty, he knows Lu Han means well and just wants him to be happy. But Kris doesn’t see the point in doing photography anymore. Even to Kris’ own ears it sounds ridiculous to drop photography all together, but he’s still bitter about how things turned out for him, how he didn’t have his parent’s support.

Kris pulls Lu Han into his lap and kisses him. “What about you? How are you holding up.”

Lu Han looks down at Kris’ collarbones and shrugs. Kris eyes are full of concern at that action. “What is it? Tell me.” He cups Lu Han’s cheek, caressing it with his thumb, Lu Han leans into the touch.

Lu Han lets out a long deep breath and still isn’t look at Kris when he says “Rent went up. Minseok and I… We were barely getting by, you know?” Lu Han shrugs again. “Things are just getting harder.”

Kris feels irritated. Irritated that Lu Han doesn’t get a better job when he can. He has the degree, the experience and the intelligence to get himself a well paying job and he doesn’t. It’s one of the things that make Lu Han and Kris very different people. While Kris admires Lu Han for following his dreams, he can’t help but think that Lu Han is foolish for doing so, and on most days he’d just let that slide but today he doesn’t think he can.

“So... I was thinking about getting a third job to pay with the costs.”

Kris’ hand leaves Lu Han’s face and his irritation shows on his face now, Lu Han taken aback by it. “Or you could just get a job that you can use your degree for? You already work yourself down to the bone at Bella’s Bru and Night’s Blue. Just quit those jobs once you can work full time at bank or some other thing again.”

Lu Han pulls himself from Kris, sitting on the couch again with a foot of distance between them. “I’m not working in something like that again! I can manage the thir-”

“No you can’t!” Kris interrupts him, and is surprises himself by his voice rising, and by the other’s wide eyes he can tell Lu Han is too. “I don’t want you to be tired anymore because you stayed up late at the bar and woke up at ungodly hours to work at the coffee shop. Imagine if you had a third job? Do you even have time for it in your schedule? Would you even have time for a life outside of work? I don’t know why you’re doing this to yourself Lu Han! There is no need, you’re just being foolish by keeping up with this lifestyle. I understand Minseok having a hard time find a better job, but not you! You’re being careless and dragging Minseok down with you!”

Kris is breathing heavily and there is hurt all over Lu Han’s face. All he wanted was to keep Lu Han’s smile and now he’s broken it.

“So you think I’m foolish for following my dream?” Lu Han bites out, the hurt clearly in his voice.

“Lu Han, n-”

“Shove it.” The anger in both Lu Han’s face and voice is so immense it’s frightening. “If I’m foolish then you’re a coward. You’re a coward because you went along with what your parents wanted and because you knew your dad could help you get somewhere you wanted to quickly. You didn’t do it on your own though. And now you can’t even take a fucking pictures because its in the past. You’re ridiculous!”

“You want me to follow your footsteps? Quit my job to pursue photography and end up living in a dump like this? The neighborhood barely makes it on the semi-decent mark and everything is practically falling apart. And this place is still too goddamn expensive for you.”

The lines on Lu Han’s face are hard, sharp and jagged. The polar opposite of what his face usually looks like. “Why are you even here, Kris? Just fucking go. I’ve always known you disagreed with my decision to go from working at a bank to working at a bar and a coffee shop. Why did you decide to continue talking to me after the first night we talked!?”

“Because I didn’t realize I was talking to a someone so naive!” Kris can feel the argument turn childish. They’re just picking at each others weaknesses now. Trying their best to his where is hurts the most.

Minseok walks in at that moment, standing at the front door looking at them uncomfortably. “Um… should I go?”

“Kris was just leaving. Bye, Kris, go home.” Minseok just continues to stand there. “Lu Han I think you two should-”

“Stay out of it, Minseok.” Lu Han bites out and Minseok falls silent, shuffling to the kitchen and busying himself there.

Kris thought that they were going to talk about this, clear things up before he left, but maybe Lu Han won’t forgive him so easily. If Lu Han is going to be prideful, Kris can beat him at his own game.

Kris gets up and walks out of the apartment without looking back.

Kris wakes up a few minutes ahead of his alarm this morning. lt has been weeks since Kris spoke to Lu Han. The entire argument was so stupid that when he replays it in his head he can’t believe it happened. However, while the argument as a whole was childish, what they were really saying to each other wasn’t. Both of them were trying to reopen closed wounds and dump lime juice all over them. That’s what made the argument a big deal, the fact that both were going out of their way to hurt each other.

This all has lead for Kris’ mood to go completely sour and he finds himself sticking to his old routine more than ever just to get through the days. Unfortunately what happened also affects how he performs at work. His co-workers tiptoe around him, trying not to irritate him to much. What hurts is that his teammates started to do the same.

Kris felt that he was finally starting to build a relationship outside of work with them, and now it’s going down the tube. Just like his relationship with Lu Han.

That thought stabs Kris in the chest and he can feel himself tear up a bit. At least tomorrow is Saturday and Kris can stay in bed all day.

He rolls over on his bed so he can reach his lamp to turn it on, then goes back to the warm spot he left, burying his face in his pillow and letting out a sad sigh. Kris misses Lu Han more than he can bear, a physical ache in his chest at thought of the others doe eyes and sweet smiles directed at him.

Kris remembers one of the previous nights before the argument, when things were still sort of relatively new and dreamy.

They were sitting down on the couch watching t.v in Kris’ apartment, his arm swung around Lu Han’s shoulder, Lu Han curled against his side. Kris rested his cheek on the top of Lu Han’s head and the pressed a kiss to it.

Lu Han looked up at him and smiled, leaning up to kiss him. Kris let him set the pace of the kiss. Slowly, what started off as a soft kiss became fierce, until they were making out on the couch, the television long forgotten.

Kris started running his hands in Lu Han’s hair and sucking on his tongue gently. Lu Han arched into him and let out a moan that shot pleasure and arousal down Kris’ spine, feeling his jeans a bit tighter.

Lu Han pulled away, climbing into his lap and kissing Kris again once he got comfortable. Kris ran his hands across Lu Han’s back, his stomach before letting his hands creep up a bit under the other’s shirt, feeling the soft skin there. Lu Han whimpered and broke the kiss to take his shirt off, Kris stared at him dazed, letting his eyes roam over the newly exposed skin.

He brought his hand up, tracing Lu Han’s torso and swiping his thumb across one of his nipples. Lu Han gasped, arching his hips forward, and Kris could feel his erection against his own. He let out a gasp of his own, clutching at Lu Han’s hips tightly.

“Lets go back to your room?” Lu Han asked, eyes half lidded.

Kris jumps up, startled by his alarm clock going off. He climbs out of bed and get ready for the day, trying not to think of Lu Han.

He arrives at work half an hour early, the receptionist isn’t even there yet, but when he enters the marketing department he is, and yet isn’t, surprised to see Joonmyun there.

“Hey.” Joonmyun says when he sees him, smiling softly.

Kris smiles a little in response and replies “Good morning.” He sighs as he takes his seat, propping his elbow against the table and leaning his head on his hand. Kris should know by now to just sleep in a bit more.

There’s silence for a while, which was unusual for Joonmyun who always made an effort to talk to him. Kris could try to start a conversation, but he’s so sad he can’t bring himself to care.

“If-” Kris looks up at Joonmyun who looks cautious, he feels a small pang of guilt. “-if you don’t mind me asking… What happened? You were really happy ever since you started seeing Lu Han, and now- well…”

Kris sighs heavily, he might as well tell Joonmyun.

“Lu Han and I… go into a fight... “

Joonmyun frowns “But you’ve been like this for almost three weeks now. You two haven’t talked about it at all?”

“He- I- We said things we shouldn’t have said to each. Things that really hit home. What hurts is that we both knew we were pushing it, each others boundaries. I feel like Lu Han is waiting for me to come to him, but at the same time he said things that I try to suppress everyday and I think its unfair that I have to approach him first.”

Joonmyun snorts at him. “You’re a fucking idiot.” Kris eyes widen in shock.

“What?”

“You’re a fucking idiot. You basically just told me you’re going to let your pride get in the way of your happiness.”

“Well Lu Han is too! He hasn’t talked to me about it either.”

“That doesn’t matter. I think your pride can forgive you when fix everything with Lu Han. You, however, won’t forgive yourself if you lose Lu Han just because of this.”

Kris feels any irritation bleed out of him. He knows Joonmyun’s right, but he’s scared. Scared that Lu Han doesn’t want to forgive him, that he fucked up too badly.

“What if he doesn’t forgive me? What if he realizes he can get someone way better who actually fights for what they want?”

Joonmyun’s face softens, its laced with an emotion Kris can’t identify “You two won’t admit it, but you’re practically in love with each other.”

Kris sputters, feeling his face go red. Joonmyun laughs. “He’ll forgive you, I know he will. Now stop being so grumpy at work! I’m tired of it.”

When Kris is about to head for the metro Joonmyun grabs his arm. “On Monday morning I better hear that you and Lu Han are okay again.”

Kris looks down where Joonmyun’s hand is. “Hopefully I can say that.”

He’s standing in front of Lu Han and Minseok’s apartment door Saturday morning with a bouquet of red roses. There is a debate going on in Kris’ head, one side telling him that he was wrong and should apologize, the other side, his pride, says Lu Han was at fault too and it’s Lu Han that needs to apologize first.

But Kris knows Joonmyun is right, he can’t let his pride be the reason for losing someone so important. His pride isn’t worth the relationship he has built with Lu Han over the past few months.

Kris takes a big, deep, breath and exhales slowly before knocking on the door three times, hiding the bouquet behind his back. Maybe it isn’t too late to turn aro-

The door opens and he sees Lu Han for the first time in weeks. His heart rate starts to pick up and he’s fighting down the blush rising his cheeks. Even with his hair a mess, wearing an old shirt and sweat pants, Lu Han still looks as beautiful as ever. He stops the urge to lean down and capture his lips in a kiss because Kris doubts that would help right now. It takes a few seconds for Kris to get out the “Hey.” stuck in his throat.

Lu Han just stands there surprised, eyes widening and he starts running his hands through his hair, looking down at his clothes and straightening them. “Hey” Lu Han replies, his eyes still wide “What are you doing here?”

“I- um” Kris takes another deep breath to stop his stuttering “I came to apologize in person… About what happened- I shouldn’t have- have said the things I did.” Kris looks away for a second, feeling ashamed. “I was wrong… And I regretted it the moment I said it, regretted it all these weeks that have gone by without seeing each other. Yo-”

Lu Han interrupts him “Stop.” Kris feels frightened and he’s sure his surprise shows on his face. “It wasn’t entirely your fault. I shouldn’t have called you a coward for conforming to what your parents wanted, for not following your dream of pursuing photography.”

“Please let me finish.” Kris says before Lu Han say something else “I could be a coward,” Kris pushes forward even as he sees Lu Han opening his mouth to interrupt again. “for not wanting to give up materialistic things in exchange for my happiness, but Lu Han… I admire you so much for doing what I couldn’t do, for giving everything up to fight for what you want. I was- I am- jealous of you. I was jealous the moment I saw your free spirit on stage the first night we met. I’m sorry...”

There’s a shock expression Lu Han’s face that makes Kris wonder whether or not he said the right thing. Kris takes it as good thing when Lu Han starts giggling, pink coloring his cheeks.

“Its not everyday someone says I’m admirable for what I did. I usually get ‘rash’ and ‘careless’. You were right to a degree, though. I shouldn’t have dropped my job because I wanted to pursue singing.” Lu Han looks sad as he says it.

“No!” Kris rushes to say, he doesn’t want Lu Han to be sad right now. He doesn’t want Lu Han to feel that because of what Kris said he should pursue what he wants in his life.

“Kris, stop.” Lu Han says exasperated, and Kris lets any frustration he had deflate. “I should have pursued singing at a younger age, gotten more experience. But I realized, while we weren’t talking, that you were right. I was just too stubborn, and irritated with you.”

Kris frowns and Lu Han reaches up to massage between his eyebrows, getting him to relax. “When I was with you I could see that you were happy, but I noticed that there were days that you let yourself get sad because you wish your life wasn’t so empty. I wanted you to pursue photography, not drop your job like I did.” Kris looks at Lu Han surprised. But he’s happy to know that Lu Han observed him. Tried to learn to read every emotion on Kris’ face.

Lu Han smiles sadly “I think I already knew the real world is hard and not everyone gets to live their dreams.” Kris feels sad hearing that last sentence, he can definitely relate.

“But that doesn’t mean I can’t continue to pursue it as a hobby.” Lu Han perks up a bit “I’ve been looking for a job my degree can be of use in, and I’ve gotten a few interviews. Hopefully someone will hire me.”

“Really?” Kris says, astound. This isn’t how imagined this conversation to go. “What about singing. I thought your old job made you unhappy.”

“I wasn’t really unhappy, I just made myself unhappy thinking back on what I should have done differently, but the job itself was alright, and like I said, singing is going to be my hobby. I’m still going to perform at the bar on Open Mic nights. Actually,” Lu Han smiles, reaching for Kris’ free hand “I’m going to perform tonight. Want to come with me?” He squeezes Kris hand and smiles at him hopefully.

Kris feels relieved, his shoulders drooping. “Yes.” He replies grinning so hard his gums are probably showing. Kris squeezes Lu Han’s hand in response and asks “Does that mean you forgive me?”

Lu Han laughs and Kris can hear the relief in his voice, as if Lu Han has been worried all this time as well. When he stops laughing he looks up at Kris through his eyelashes “Yeah, I guess it does, doesn’t it? But I’m sorry too, Kris. We both just had different ways to cope with our dreams not being entirely realized and I should have never called you a coward.”

“We both fucked up, its okay.” Kris smiles and Lu Han returns it.

He remembers the roses he’s holding behind his back and clears his throat and hands them to Lu Han. “These are for you.”

Lu Han takes them gently, and even though he’s giggling Kris can tell he’s pleased. “Apology roses? You really are a walking cliche.” Kris’ blush is back and he looks away rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. “I wanted to make sure you’d forgive me.”

The grin that spreads throughout Lu Han’s face is beautiful, Kris thinks its brighter than the sun.

Kris finds himself leaning down, staring at Lu Han’s lips, before he can stops himself, but it’s okay because Lu Han is staring at Kris’ lips too. After a brief pause of their lips hovering over each other’s Kris leans down and kisses him, soft and sweet.

Lu Han lets out a soft whimper and puts a hand on his chest pushing Kris away. “Wait.” he says slightly breathless. He gently puts the roses down next to their feet and the proceeds to throw his arms over Kris’ neck and kiss him fiercely.

Kris is quick to respond, wrapping his arms around Lu Han tightly. They stay like that for a while, Kris moves his hand to Lu Han’s lower back to bring him closer, trying to align their hips together.

Their lips disconnect with a smacking noise when Lu Han pulls away slightly, grinning. “We’re still in my doorway you know. What are my neighbors going to think of me?”

Kris feels mortified and he can feel himself flush harder than he has since he got he here, the tips of his ears going red. He clears his throat feeling embarrassed “That you’re kissing your incredibly handsome boyfriend in your doorway.”

“Not that handsome.” Lu Han says mischievously, grinning when Kris starts to get indigent, and Kris can’t stay upset when he sees how happy Lu Han is.

“I was going to take my camera out of its box today, maybe take some pictures in the city.” Kris says and Lu Han’s eyes grow bright. “Want to come with me?”

“I’d like that. I’ll be the most interesting thing there.”

Kris smiles and leans down to kiss him softly again, despite Lu Han’s neighbors.

Neither of them ended up being in the profession they wanted, but together they’ve learned that they don’t have to give up their passion just because they didn’t make a career out of it.

It’s been years since Kris has felt this peaceful feeling in his chest. He’s content and satisfied with his job, and where he is in his life right now. By the way Lu Han looks at him, Kris assumes he feels the same. And with Lu Han by his side he can feel a certain emptiness he felt before be filled.

He’s happy.

a/n:
To khrysallis1106: /ugly sobs/ I hope this doesn’t feel choppy? I tried my best to make it flow as much as I could. The characters became their own people, particularly Kris. He was just like “I’m not that miserable.” “No, I don’t want to do that.” This story came out different than what I wanted it to be. I hope you enjoyed it anyway though and that it isn’t too different from what you wanted it to be!