[FOR GERALDINEDRAGON] how it's like to fall [5/5]

[krishanthemods]

Part IV

To Lu Han, making a firm resolution to avoid Yifan was the easy part. The hard part was to stop herself from caving in and unlatching the door whenever Yifan came knocking, calling out just loud enough for her to hear through the wood, to please, open the door or please, explain to me what I've done wrong.

Lu Han hadn't stated a reason, merely telling him that she wasn't going to see him anymore in her note, which she'd requested for Jonghyun to deliver to Yifan personally. Even then, she had struggled tremendously while writing it, her heart protesting against what her sound mind had decided, because no, she didn't want to part ways with Yifan, not like this, not when it was clear they still loved each other. But the logical part of her mind told her she had to do this, for the sake of keeping Yifan safe from harm. Yunho was capable of doing just about anything to get his hands on what he wanted, and in the face of a formidable rival such as Yifan, he was probably stopping at nothing to achieve his goal.

Lu Han could see that future coming true, if she didn't distance herself from Yifan, and she couldn't bear to think that her presence in Yifan's life would bring him harm. Her mother had once told her, back when their family had still been living a hard but happy life in the past, when Lu Han hadn't yet despised her this much - if you truly love someone, let them go instead of forcing them to stay and bringing them suffering in the process.

Trust her mother to leave out the fact that by doing so, she was essentially subjecting herself to an agonising life, too.

She had a taste of how persistent Yifan could be, however. He'd appear at her doorstep every day without fail, rapping his knuckles against the stained glass and calling out for her tirelessly. Lu Han had very nearly lost her self-control on more occasions than one, hand reaching for the doorknob before stopping herself just in the nick of time. All her efforts at ignoring him would have been for naught if she gave in, because Lu Han knew that the very moment the barrier between them was removed, she would fall in a rapid, downward spiral towards the vortex that was Yifan's existence. It was frightening, how much Lu Han craved for Yifan, and she would sometimes wonder if she were merely obsessed with him.

She never allowed herself to continue on that thought.

Today was no different. Someone came knocking on Lu Han's door while she was doing the dishes, and immediately her blood froze over, knowing that another immense struggle was coming for her. But just like a peculiar sense of magnetism, she found her feet carrying her to the door, her palms bracing against the lacquered wood as she pressed an ear against it, listening intently for the sound of Yifan's breaths which she missed dearly. The usual, silent I can't see you, not anymore and I can't let Yunho harm you in any way because of me hung on the tip of her tongue; Lu Han could taste blood seconds later, from the way her teeth sank into the plumpness of her bottom lip to stop herself from opening her mouth.

She frowned a little when her mind caught up with the fact that something seemed different with the way Yifan was knocking on her door today. For one, there wasn't really a sense of urgency or desperation in the way his knuckle met wood, bordering on sluggish, even, and suddenly Lu Han was afraid that he'd finally grown tired of waiting for her, that perhaps this would be the very last time he would stand at her doorstep.

Hypocrite, a voice at the back of her mind told her viciously, chastising Lu Han for being so fickle-minded when it came to Yifan, but Lu Han forcefully shoved that voice away, standing on tiptoes to look through the peephole so that she could take in Yifan's expressions.

Nevertheless, the face which greeted her did not belong to Yifan, but rather his wife Song Qian who seemed slightly paler than Lu Han remembered her to be. There wasn't an ounce of hesitation in her as Lu Han threw the door open, greeting Song Qian as brightly as she could.

"Hi, I didn't think that you were home." Song Qian smiled at her, showing Lu Han the box in her hand. "I baked something for you. Do you mind if I came in?"

Despite wanting to be left alone, Lu Han still stepped aside and allowed Song Qian in. Song Qian had, after all, treated her with nothing but kindness, and it would be rude of Lu Han to turn her away just like that. "Of course not; you're always welcome to my home. I was just doing some chores." Then, as an afterthought, "Thank you, by the way. For the cake. What could the occasion possibly be?"

Song Qian spun around with her hands on her hips once she had placed the cake on the dining table, her expressions disapproving as she pouted a little at Lu Han. "I should scold you." She said, her tone serious, and it worried Lu Han a little. Song Qian had never spoken to her while sounding so grave before. "Why have you not come over for our usual dinner gatherings for such a long while? This poor soul is beginning to miss you dearly, especially after you took off so suddenly from the meeting the other day."

At the sound of that, though, Lu Han's heart lightened up a whole lot. She'd been worrying that Song Qian might've discovered something she shouldn't, but at least now her mind could be put to rest, if only for a little while. "I apologise for that. My husband has been rather busy of late, preparing for his deployment. I didn't think it was appropriate for me to pester him to come along, when he's worrying over enough things as it is."

A look of understanding flashed across Song Qian's face, and Lu Han felt like squirming when she realised that Song Qian must have thought Lu Han wanted to spend some intimate time with Yunho before he left. It was like that with the rest of the households, no doubt, but Lu Han and Yunho's relationship wasn't exactly normal. Lu Han forced herself to play along, because it wouldn't do to expose the truth behind closed doors to another person apart from Yifan - not when Song Qian's husband was involved in the dirtier part of things. Lu Han had never felt more ashamed to be in Song Qian's presence.

"That is perfectly understandable," Song Qian clapped delightedly. "I know how you must feel, wanting to bear his child before he leaves for another war. It's the same between Yifan and I."

Lu Han positively wanted to throw up at the mere thought that she was to be pregnant with that demon's offspring, even more so when the images of Yifan fucking into Song Qian intruded her mind and she found herself burning with jealousy. It was very unsightly of her to do so. Song Qian was legally married to Yifan, and Lu Han was nothing more than the third party to their marriage.

"It's not like that, unnie. We don't-" Have sex very often, Lu Han wanted to say, but stopped herself just in time. It would seem weird, if a married couple did not actively seek to have a child by being together as frequently as they could, considering Yunho was an army personnel whose future was uncertain - unlike Yifan, who was spared from deployment due to his impending promotion.

Before Lu Han could think of something else to say, though, Song Qian suddenly grabbed hold of Lu Han's arm, her other hand cupped tightly over her mouth. Her face had turned completely green by now, and only a muffled "I need to use your toilet" came from Song Qian.

Song Qian bolted towards the end of the hall when Lu Han had gotten over the initial confusion, and Lu Han felt compelled to follow after the older woman, to make sure she was alright. As much as Yifan claimed that he didn't love Song Qian, Lu Han could see that he still cared for her to a certain extent - it would be terrible if anything happened to Song Qian.

She sucked in a deep breath as she stood outside the bathroom, hearing Song Qian retching and emptying her stomach contents into the bowl. She seemed to be down with a bad food poisoning episode, but then another possibility for her condition came to mind, causing Lu Han's heart to come to a halting stop.

It wasn't until five minutes later that Song Qian finally came out of the bathroom, appearing ill but not as miserable as she should be for someone down with a stomach flu. Lu Han gulped hard, and asked the lingering question on her mind. "Are you... pregnant?"

Even if Song Qian hadn't said a thing in response to her question, the telltale smile which spread across her face gave Lu Han all the answers she needed. It didn't stop her from feeling the bile rising up the column of her throat, and it took everything Lu Han had to keep a smile plastered on her face.

"Congratulations," she said, hoping that Song Qian did not notice the catch in her voice. "Does Yi-" A pause; she shouldn't be using Yifan's name so freely, especially when they weren't even supposed to be close on the outside. "Does the Colonel know?"

Song Qian was the epitome of a blushing bride - except this time, she was going to be a mother, a mother to Yifan's child - as she shook her head in response, the uncharacteristically shy smile finding its way to her lips. "I plan on telling him later. We are throwing him a congratulatory party to celebrate his promotion to Lieutenant General next week. I will announce this, then." She told Lu Han happily, reaching forward to hold her hand with a broad smile. "You should be there too with Lieutenant Colonel Jung, before he has to leave for Vietnam."

Lu Han could only give a silent nod of agreement, feeling too numbed to say anything else. It would be too suspicious if they gave the celebratory party a miss, especially when the Jungs were considered a close friend to the Wu household.

Later on, when she was once again left alone to stare at the four walls of her living room, there was a brand new resolve which slowly but surely established within her. Lu Han was not blind to the way Song Qian had gushed over her much-awaited pregnancy, or how excited she was to finally be a mother. If Lu Han had the slightest desire to give in to her heart and continued seeing Yifan in the dark before, she no longer did, now.

After all, the pain of having to give up someone you loved would eventually turn into ashes with time... right?

--

Yifan doubled over to catch his breath, each inhale making his lungs sear after the intense jogging he'd just done around the army base. The late afternoon sun was shining down mercilessly upon his back, his skin burning from the heat, but Yifan couldn't be more thankful for the sweat which was just beginning to cool off.

This was the final resort for him to dispel his worries, when even the chain smoking and alcohol didn't work, running alone without having to think about anything at all. His life has been nothing but a terrible mess as of late, with one problem piling on top of the other before he could even begin to solve any of them.

It all started with Lu Han's sudden decision to stop meeting him, leaving nothing but a short note behind without even explaining things. Yifan had been thoroughly confused, because he was sure things have been going well between them until the day after the ball. There wasn't even the subtlest of signs that she wanted out of it, and to make things worse, Lu Han had ignored him outright, refusing to even open the door for him despite the fact that Yifan was constantly at her doorstep. It couldn't possibly be because Yunho was to be deployed to Vietnam again, considering how Lu Han would be more than happy to be rid of her husband. Could it?

If things weren't already bad enough, rumours of Yifan being on psychiatric treatment began surfacing, which had led to additional interviews with the higher-ranked officials who wanted to determine that Yifan was really of sound mind. Of course, not understanding the nature of Yifan's illness, it was only all too easy for Yifan to pretend that he was completely fine - he was, for the most part, until he was badly shaken by the nightmares which still plagued him, albeit more manageable when Lu Han was by his side. It seemed that his superiors weren't thoroughly convinced, however, which eventually saw Junmyeon being temporarily pulled out of service to aid in investigations.

Yifan had never felt more guilty for getting Junmyeon involved in his mess, but Junmyeon insisted that he was fine, that it was a good opportunity for him to just sit back and relax for a bit, seeing that he's been working like hell for the last couple of years. At least, Junmyeon still had Yixing by his side, which probably made things a little easier for him to deal with.

Nevertheless, Yifan was still trying to figure out the best possible solution to his problems. No matter which approach he intended to employ, things seemed to go against his wishes, and that in turn frustrated him to no ends. If only life could be simpler than this.

Deciding that he had enough of running for one afternoon, Yifan slung his towel around his neck and started on a slow jog back home, allowing his muscles to cool down before the cramps settled in. They were already aching, but in a good way, and Yifan was keen on keeping them that way. At least there was something to distract him.

Yifan cautiously crept into the house when he'd arrived, though, greeted by nothing but silence. Something didn't quite feel right to him, because the sun was fast setting, and Song Qian would usually be busying herself in the kitchen over dinner by now. He shook off the silly notion that someone had infiltrated his home, firmly reminding himself that he was on the army base back in South Korea, not in Vietnam. It was as peaceful as anyone could possibly wish for.

He came to a halting stop when he stepped into the living room, blinking when someone popped a party popper from behind, showering him with confetti, and he fell into momentary confusion when several grinning faces greeted him, one of them being Song Qian. Seeing that he was stunned speechless, she walked forward and pulled him into a tight embrace, the smile in her voice clear as daylight as she said, "Congratulations on being promoted to Lieutenant General!"

Several more mind-numbing seconds passed them by, before the guests in their home also erupted in similar cheers, all congratulating him wildly. It was then that Yifan realised that he'd passed the interviews with his superiors, that he had finally made it. Only then did Yifan break into an equally wide grin, wrapping an arm around Song Qian (out of habit, for she had been by his side for so many years by now) as he addressed his guests. "So that's what you guys have been up to? A secret party?"

Jonghyun shrugged, though the grin on his face was simply infectious. "We kind of found out this evening, but you were out on a jog, so we figured that throwing a party for you at the end of it was only proper. It's your wife's idea, by the way."

"Well," Song Qian started, all while trying to pry herself out of Yifan's sweaty embrace, but the smile on her face told him that she didn't really care. "I knew of it since last week. My father informed me of the news. But before the celebrations go in full swing, I believe someone has to first take a shower."

Yifan could only shake his head in amusement as she started pushing him in the direction of their room in full view of their guests.

--

Whatever good mood he had upon returning from his jog earlier only to find that his wife and closest friends have decided to throw a party for him went down the drain by the time the clock struck twenty-hundred-hours. Yifan had initially planned to forget everything he had been going through in the past week and to immerse himself in the party that evening, but the moment he had locked gazes with none other than Lu Han, everything else suddenly didn't matter anymore.

In retrospect, Yifan wasn't sure why he hadn't expected Yunho and Lu Han to be there at the party. The Jungs have always been close friends with him and Song Qian, before he found out about Yunho's disgusting actions and filed for a request to have him deployed back to the war zone in order to save Lu Han from him. But Song Qian didn't know all of that, nor of the relationship Yifan shared with Lu Han. She didn't have to.

Right now, though, it was draining all of Yifan's self-control to not burst out yelling something he'd regret. Everyone else were merrily enjoying dinner which Song Qian and Lu Han had prepared, but Yifan could only concentrate on not looking at Lu Han. It was plenty difficult, when Lu Han was seated at the tail end of the dining table in Yifan's direct sight. He hadn't seen her in the last two weeks, owing to her sudden decision to cut off all ties with him, and he hadn't realised exactly how much he missed her until now. The urge to pull her into his embrace manifested as a crawl beneath his skin, one that was difficult to resist, slowly but surely driving him insane. Yifan gulped down his mug of beer to banish those thoughts.

That was when Song Qian hit her spoon gently against the side of her champagne flute, calling for everyone's attention. Yifan's vision swam when he looked up, the alcohol in his system beginning to wreak havoc upon his already-ruined concentration.

"I have something else to announce," Song Qian said, beaming widely as she pulled Yifan to stand. Yifan had never wanted so badly to pull away from Song Qian when she laced their fingers together, not wanting Lu Han to think that he was with his wife in this. Yifan's heart still very much belonged to Lu Han; he didn't think anything was going to change that.

It wasn't until the noisy chatter of the guests had quieted down that Song Qian cleared her throat again, and her smile grew even wider. "I am going to be a mother." There was a sort of breathlessness in the way Song Qian said those words - it was in joy, and definitely not in the way Yifan felt a different sort of breathlessness which was almost suffocating. He hadn't even slept with Song Qian ever since the week when he had first been with Lu Han, but it seemed that fate could be very cruel sometimes when people didn't want a certain outcome.

Yifan could only fall back on his chair, dazed, as everyone approached him to shake his hand and congratulate him for the double cause for celebration that evening. He wasn't even sure if they'd noticed how forced his smile was, but if they did, no one was inclined to point out that fact.

One person, though, stayed far away from Yifan throughout the commotion. It wasn't as though Yifan didn't notice it - he did, but Lu Han averted her gaze the moment their eyes met in the crowded dining room, and something told Yifan she already knew. The moment she went to the garden under the pretense of grilling more meat for everyone, Yifan too took the opportunity to slip out of the house, claiming he had to get some fresh air for himself. It wasn't a complete lie, though; he really did need some space to breathe before he dropped dead from hyperventilation and asphyxiation.

Lu Han invested her full attention on the meat before her, grilling each piece to perfection, that she didn't even notice Yifan had slipped out to join her. She did, however, jump in surprise when Yifan embraced her from behind, gently prying the tongs out of her hand so that he could take over.

"A lady shouldn't be doing this. What would happen if you scalded your hand?" He whispered softly, revelling in the way she shuddered in his arms. He'd missed this; it had been way too long since the last time he'd held her in his arms, yet Yifan was still rendered mesmerised by the way she fitted perfectly against him.

"Lieutenant General, please, you mustn't-" Lu Han squirmed and extracted herself from his hold immediately. Yifan really didn't know what hurt more - her not wanting to be in close contact with him, or the way his hand had slammed against the hot grill, scalding himself when he tried to grab hold of her. One thing became apparent to him at that particular moment, though. Lu Han evidently still cared for him, despite the indifferent front she was putting up, when she surged forward in a moment of panic and held his injured hand in hers, surveying the damage with concerned eyes.

"Why do you keep denying your feelings for me?" Yifan asked, his voice so low that he wasn't sure if Lu Han could hear him through the cheers that came from within the house. "Why are you treating me like a complete stranger, when you said you loved me just weeks ago?"

The only indication that Lu Han had heard him perfectly clearly was the way she let go of his hands like it was hot iron, and she immediately kept her hands close to her chest, as though not trusting herself enough to let them hang by her side. Yifan felt another stab to his chest when she looked away, refusing to meet his gaze even though there wasn't anyone else to witness their exchange.

"You were naïve to have trusted in me, Lieutenant General." Lu Han told him, and Yifan couldn't be sure if the steeliness in her voice was a product of his imagination, or if she truly felt that way. "Please, excuse me."

The moment Lu Han began walking away, Yifan knew by instinct he had to go after her, or everything they had gone through together would fade into oblivion. He could not possibly forget the way she had whispered that everything was going to be okay against his lips, kissing all his fears and uncertainties away, the way she had slowly come apart under his ministrations, the way they'd fitted so well together, like two missing parts of a puzzle. There was no other person who knew Yifan better than Lu Han, even though it had barely been three months since they'd met.

She had given him the world. She was his entire world.

Chase after Lu Han Yifan did, tearing through the door and pushing past a drunk pair who was making their way out, his voice rising above the noise of the crowd as he called for her. The alcohol in his system impaired his judgement, making him fail to remember that he was essentially in his own home, that Song Qian could possibly hear everything and find out about his relationship with Lu Han. But at that particular moment, the only thing that Yifan could think about was that he couldn't lose her.

"Lu Han!" Yifan called out again, and managed to grab hold of her hand with one final sprint. He didn't want to hurt her, but he was too agitated that he couldn't even control his strength as he held Lu Han by her shoulders. "If you really do not love me, then tell it to my face, right now! Don't walk away and leave me notes which can be crafted by anyone at all!"

"Lieutenant General! Please!" The panic was clear in Lu Han's voice as she tried to struggle out of his hold, to no avail. Yifan wasn't about to let her go, unless she made it clear that she wanted to have nothing to do with him.

"Tell me! Every single thing we've done, every second we've spent together, do they not mean anything to you?!" The volume of Yifan's voice climbed with every word said, his frustrations getting the better of him.

Yunho decided to cut in at that particular moment, angrily shoving Yifan away from Lu Han. "What are you doing to my wife?!" He yelled, and Yifan would have backed off, if he didn't know about the things Yunho had made Lu Han do. Yunho was the cause for the many tears Lu Han had shed over the few months Yifan had known her, and it was by that knowledge that Yifan was driven to deal Yunho an uppercut.

There was something oddly satisfying, seeing Yunho's bloodied mouth and reddened jaw, even though Yifan knew that he'd fractured several of the bones in his hand from that blow itself. One punch wasn't enough to quell his intense dislike for his subordinate, though, so Yifan moved in for a second punch.

"You have the gall to still call Han your wife, when you've done nothing but to send her to so many other men's beds like a whore just to secure your own promotion-" Yifan hissed, turning onto Yunho once again with his fist raised, though he could go no further when Lu Han held him back.

"Yifan, please, don't do this-" she cried pleadingly, only to gasp aloud when a resounding slap rang through the house, stunning everyone into silence.

In his daze, Yifan turned to see what had happened, only to realise that Lu Han had a hand clutched against her cheek, while Song Qian was standing before her, breathing heavily with hatred and anger in her eyes. One thing connected to the other, before Yifan came to the conclusion that Song Qian had slapped Lu Han.

Song Qian knew. His head spun in a way which was much worse than it had before.

Qian, Yifan called out weakly, at the same time that Song Qian spoke up in a chillingly calm voice. "I trusted in you," she told Lu Han, her fingers digging into the flesh of her palm. "I rubbished the other girls' claims that you were ruining other families, because I didn't think you were that sort of person. I defended you, and treated you as a friend - as a sister I never had. And this is how you repay me? By sleeping with my husband? How could you?"

"Unnie, I'm sorry-" Lu Han cried out, her expressions distraught, and it wasn't one which suited her face.

"And you-" Song Qian ignored her pleas and turned towards Yifan, still seething from anger. Yifan swallowed hard at the betrayal and disappointment in her eyes. "How dare you take our marriage so lightly? Did you not promise to care for me till death do us part? Are those nothing but lies?"

He wanted to tell her that he had never loved her, not in the past, nor the present, but Yifan thought about her status, and the baby in her stomach, and decided against it. The silence which enveloped the room was almost deafening, with Yifan keeping mum, not wanting to aggravate Song Qian further. Yunho dared not move a muscle either, probably knowing that Yifan wouldn't hesitate to lunge at him and beat the living daylights out of him if he even dared approach Lu Han.

In the end, Song Qian pointed an angry finger towards the door, her poise unwavering as she said - as quietly as it was loud - "Get out. All of you. Out."

None dared to go against her orders.

--

The following week after the fiasco at the supposed celebratory party at Yifan's home went past in a flurry of activities - mostly involving Yifan attending tribunal after tribunal. Considering Song Qian's identity as the commander-in-chief's daughter, it was only natural for the man himself to hear of Yifan's infidelity within the next couple of days.

To say that the Marshal was livid was probably the understatement of the century. He'd met Yifan through a private meeting, and if his self-control had wavered towards the end, the man would've pulled his gun out and shot Yifan at point blank.

But Yifan wasn't repentant, not really. He didn't ask for this life, to be married to Song Qian. He didn't exactly have the choice to decline when Marshal Song had put the proposition forth, or he would have been dead many years ago, his talents at commanding an entire fleet be damned. For years he'd been playing the role of a perfect husband, attending to each and every of Song Qian's needs without a single word of complaint, but he no longer wanted a life like that.

Was he in the wrong for wanting to take charge of his life for once? Yifan was sick of being a puppet to the rest.

It was why Yifan wasn't bothered when he'd been told that he was stripped of his rank as Lieutenant General, with a further demotion to the ranks of a Captain. Yifan was only surprised that Marshal Song hadn't evicted him from the army, though he supposed the man wanted to give him a hefty punishment for what Yifan had done to his precious daughter. At such a time and age, there probably wasn't any punishment harsher than being sentenced to returning into the thick of the gunfire.

The only thing that manifested as the heaviness of Yifan's footsteps as he trudged towards the plane was the reluctance to leave Lu Han behind. Yifan had many regrets with regards to that aspect, feeling as though too many things were left unsaid, too many misunderstandings unresolved. Lu Han continued to avoid Yifan after what had happened at the party, probably still tied down by her guilt, and he wasn't sure if she'd seen the note he had left on her doorstep that morning, telling her that nothing was going to change the way he felt about her.

Lu Han would have known that he was being deployed that morning - Yunho had the exact same schedule, though Yifan didn't think she'd have cared for her now ex-husband. She'd filed for divorce the moment the news that Yunho had forced her into sleeping with other men had broken out, shocking the entire army camp for the sheer reason that no one ever filed for divorce back then. The only consolation that came out of it was the fact that Yunho too had been demoted to a mere foot soldier, a punishment meted out for his bribing of the higher-ranked officers. Even though Yifan wanted to see Lu Han for one last time before he returned to the hellhole called Vietnam - there was no saying if he'll be able to make it out alive, having to lead the front as his other comrades had done for him when he was still a Colonel - but there wasn't a single trace of her to be seen on the tarmac, amidst the family members of the other soldiers.

When their commanding officer barked orders for them to move the fuck on over the roar of the plane's engine and rotor, Yifan heaved another deep sigh and pushed the last of his reluctance to the back of his mind. He adjusted the strap of his knapsack over his shoulder, carrying with him deep-seated regrets and words still left unsaid onto the plane, leaving behind a part of his heart and every good memory he had made with Lu Han on this land.

The way the metal door of the plane slid shut moments later reverberated to the deepest ends of his soul. Lu Han's smiling face remained imprinted at the back of his eyes, and for the first time in a long while, Yifan silently wept.

--

e p i l o g u e

The seasons flew by without waiting for a single soul, and before they even knew it, the new Spring was already fast approaching its peak, with the flowers in full bloom and the animals coming out of their hibernation. Lu Han would not admit it otherwise, but she'd spent the last three seasons thinking of Yifan, and how her life seemed so empty without him by her side. There was a sense of liberation, though, when Lu Han had cut off all ties with Jung Yunho, thereby releasing herself from a life of slavery and abuse. The mental duress she'd suffered from in the few short years she had been married to Yunho was enough to last her a lifetime.

Yifan on the other hand had shown her an unrivalled sense of loving and care, despite the fact that they'd been together for only a few short months before everything turned into ruins. He had shown Lu Han that all hope wasn't lost, that she still had the opportunity to lead a happy life for once. She'd wept openly on the day he was deployed back to the war field, regretting her decision of not seeing him off at the airbase. Then again, Lu Han didn't quite trust herself to not plead for Yifan's deployment to be withdrawn. It was probably the best course of action, to have stayed home and allowed Yifan to go without any form of hesitation.

She wished he had written to her, however. Not having any form of news to fall back on was as agonising as it could get, much worse than the time when Lu Han had forced herself to avoid Yifan. Every day, she'd hear of tragic deaths and debilitations suffered by the husbands of her neighbours. Each time, she'd pray and pray and pray some more that the same fate wouldn't befall Yifan, that he'd come back with his arms wide open to receive her in his embrace.

At least, she thought, Song Qian didn't have to suffer through this, after having cut off all ties with Yifan herself.

This day, Lu Han found herself rushing towards the administration office, after having heard that there was news she had to receive personally. Her heart leapt - both in exhilaration and trepidation - as she gathered the hem of her skirt, so as to not trip over the fabric as she ran. The first batch of soldiers had returned from Vietnam, she heard along the way, prompting her to grow more excited at the prospect that she might just get her wish of seeing Yifan once again. She ignored the chatter which encroached upon the topic of dead soldiers, not wanting to dwell upon the negative side of things. Yifan was an excellent fighter, she knew. There was no way he would've suffered from the same fate.

Her optimism paid off - if only partially. Lu Han's joy only lasted for so long when he came out from one of the rooms, looking rather different from how Lu Han had remembered him to be, on the day where everything had crumbled into nothing.

While Yifan was very much alive, which Lu Han was thankful for, she could not stop the tears from welling up in her eyes, blurring her vision. Never in her wildest dreams had Lu Han imagined that she'd see him wheelchair-bound, one of his limbs ending in an ill-fashioned stump where his foot should have been. Lu Han clasped a hand against her mouth as she approached him slowly, still unable to believe what she was seeing. Her heart ached at the sight, mainly because he'd told her countless times about the nightmares which plagued his nights, and his fears of being permanently incapacitated.

She could feel herself shaking terribly as she knelt before him, her trembling hands reaching up to cup his face as the tears continued to fall. Yifan seemed to have snapped out of his daze at her warm touch and glanced at her for a moment, but there was something odd about the way he looked at her - not with love as she had come to know, but with confusion and the lack of recognition.

Fearing the worst, Lu Han turned towards the officer who had wheeled Yifan out, silently asking for an answer. She decided that she didn't like the apologetic look he gave her at all, and the words which left his lips only confirmed her suspicions.

"I offer my sincere apologies, ma'am. He has lost all his memories during the bomb blast which cost him his leg. A terrible cerebral concussion, I was told." The officer said, his mouth pressed into a thin, grim line. Lu Han promptly felt that her heart had stopped working.

It wasn't until five full minutes later that she'd regained her bearings and her voice, her hands never leaving Yifan's face, hoping he could at least recognise her touch. "How- how did you trace him to me, then?" She dared herself to ask, because most people have forgotten that he'd been married to Song Qian once. Song Qian had long since moved on and away from the army camp after finding out about their affair.

"We found this-" He fished something out of his front pocket and handed it over to Lu Han, "-in his stash of private belongings. He has a lot of photos of the two of you together in his possession, and we thought-"

"Thank you." Lu Han interrupted him, swallowing hard and pushing the last of her courage to the surface. It took everything in her not to cry even harder when she turned the objects over, only to realise that it was a Polaroid of them in a lip-lock, taken on the evening of Lu Han's birthday while they were still basking in their post-orgasm bliss, and another photo of them, with their faces smushed together, happy, wide smiles plastered on their faces.

The officer gave her a brief salute when she flashed a grateful smile, though the façade crumbled the moment he turned on his heels to leave. There was no one and nothing to distract her from the fate which befell Yifan now, and again her heart constricted in her chest as she held his calloused hands in hers.

"Yifan," she said softly, not quite trusting her voice to not break just yet. "Do you know where you are?"

A nod. "Korea," he replied, the familiarity of his voice promptly washing over her and caressing her senses, reminding her of the days when they'd spent their afternoons cuddling on the daybed. This time, though, something was missing - his warmth, his overflowing love for her. Nothing to tell her that he still retained even a shred of memory of them.

"Do you-" she swallowed, braving herself for the imminent heartbreak that was about to accompany her question. "Do you remember who I am?"

Lu Han held her breath when he turned a little to look at her - really look at her, with his eyebrows scrunched in concentration. She could feel her heart stutter hopefully when he reached up to cup her face, a gesture which was no longer foreign to Lu Han, from the sheer amount of times he'd done that when they were together in the past. Lu Han's hand automatically reached up to cover Yifan's, gripping it gently as she smiled at him through her pain.

"I... can't recall your name-" Yifan said moments later, though Lu Han could hear the frustration in his voice, "-but your face is very familiar. It almost feels like you're someone important to me, but I can't be sure."

Despite the initial disappointment, Lu Han kept the brave smile on her face. Having him recognise her was a good sign; at least his memories of her hadn't faded away completely.

"Do you want me to stay? To help you recover your memories, I mean." Lu Han asked, knowing she had nothing to lose. She'd lost Yifan once, and she wasn't about to let him go for the second time, even when he was in such a state. If God had allowed him to survive that bomb blast, then it was also an opportunity for Lu Han to make amends for what she'd done, for the lies she'd told to make him go away. There was no longer anything to restrict them from being together, and Lu Han was going to make full use of that.

"Would you be willing to?" The way Yifan glanced at her with hope in his lost gaze was enough to take her breath away, and Lu Han nodded firmly, the tears of joy brimming in her eyes. If Yifan had protected her fiercely in the past, Lu Han wanted to step into that role for him, now.

Already Lu Han could hear the gossips forming, and the mocking tone of the people who'd question her sanity in caring for a cripple who couldn't remember much of his own life, especially when they weren't even married. But Lu Han knew by conviction that their relationship was far deeper than that, built on layers upon layers of trust, knowing that the other will be there when they need them. Yifan needed her, she was sure, and with a brand new resolve, she smiled at him and pressed a kiss to the back of his scarred hand again, before standing up and pushing his wheelchair along the hallway.

"Let's go home," she told him, and nothing has ever sounded more right than this to her ears.