[FOR BLUEDREAMING] Begin Again
Title: Begin Again
For: bluedreaming
Rating: PG-13
Length: 9433
Warnings: recurring mentions of suicide, inconsistent timeline, character death (MULTIPLE COUNTS)
Author's Note: PLS ENJOY :D :D :D :D :D
Summary: The only hearts they have broken are each other's, over and over again.
The Universe is the higher being of those beginning to live in it. When the Universe is created, tangible dimensions appear, starstuff fills a vast emptiness and energy is the catalyst of everything’s conception. Along with the touchable ingredients of galactic wonders, unseen dimensions of time, distance, and love appear, weaving themselves into the vacuum of space.
Planets collide, asteroids begin to expel matter into the gravitational plane. Metaphorical strings of love begin to come together, the universe determining the fates of those beginning to inhabit planets. Inanimate objects and all life forms are affected by metaphor.
Somewhere, in the deep depths of the Universe, a small moon orbits a big planet. Throughout the course of time, all the stars in the galaxy supernova. The timeline of the Universe grows and nothing can remember the blip of time in which the moon was nearing the planet; there is no record of the sure but slow effect of gravity, pulling two bodies of mass closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer.
In some universe, things thought to be 21st century myths loom, curving trees and hiding in the dark.
The dragon curls in on himself in the moonlit haven of a forest, distant from civilization. The dragon heaves, cold in the winter, unable to seek solace in any cave or tunnel. No cavern is large enough to house him, alone, and no others are willing to take him in.
With no companionship or sense of safety, the dragon is sure of his demise. He will die alone. He is sure.
Animals who were once afraid of him begin to walk past him blatantly. They begin to feel no danger. The beast, to them, has been quelled. Rabbits skim his scales. Snakes, distant relatives, hiss at him aimlessly. The dragon’s sense of time becomes skewed. What had been a minute feels like an hour. Different woodland creatures come by in groups, one trailing after another, paying no attention to the dragon.
The dragon had always been kind, a beast in no need of taming. He’d always been gentle in his hunting; he’d killed animals with quick and stealthy methods in order to cause the least pain. He’d dine in remorse and with sadness, alone as always.
An outcast at his finest, the dragon feels neutral regarding its impending death.
Squirrels skitter past. Birds fly around him, creating figure eights above his head. Butterflies come by in the same matter, fluttering by in fives and tens. A pack of deer trot past. One bumps right into the dragon.
The dragon is unperturbed. The deer stays, stunned. The deer nuzzles its nose against the dragon’s scales, lifts the dragon’s head with some of his strength, looks the dragon in the eye. The deer smiles as all other animals do, subtly, almost imperceptibly. The dragon’s head falls back down and the deer stays behind its pack. The deer, a young buck, feels bad; the young buck, compassionate, feels pity.
The buck remains with the dragon until the dragon stops breathing, until the dragon’s body stops heaving, until the dragon is content, dying less than alone, but more than lonely.
Civilizations expand. Universes follow different timelines and, in some universe, humans and beasts of myths coexist. In different universes, different cities grow and develop in different patterns. The world is unfolding the way the Universe had planned. Strings of fate pull taut against the timelines of separate universes. Some of these strings have weakened to the point of snapping. Some of these strings connect universes, yet sentience does not promise the realizing of these connections, the realization of invisible gravitational pull of masses, people, animals, those with a promised life.
At some point in common civilization, a familiar string appears. The Universe is relieved and ready for this relationship to bloom. It has been waiting for it to come around again.
Somewhere, in a city with a set system of currency and an economical hierarchy, there are the poor and the rich and the people in between. Similarly, between animals, there is a clear divide between the stray and the domesticated. Their microcosm is as complex as the larger world of the humans, if not more difficult to understand.
Lu Han is a cat. A white, fluffy, stray cat with blue eyes and a tail that needs some grooming. He’s got a little pink nose that’s sensitive to any and all scents. He’s got fur that is in desperate need of some cleaning, dirt finding home in the crevices of his strands of white.
“I’m so ugly,” Baekhyun says to Lu Han one day. Baekhyun is a tabby cat. Lu Han pokes Baekhyun in the cheek with a paw. “Why can’t I be as pretty as you?”
As in humans, the innate desire to be beautiful is strong within cats. Lu Han has noticed this to be most prevalent within his friend Baekhyun.
Lu Han’s circle of friends consists mainly of other stray cats. They live together in a small pack, trekking the dangers of the city in groups. They usually find shelter behind trash cans. They stay away from humans and other animals. They live life “on the wild side”, as Lu Han says.
“Don’t say that,” Lu Han says. The two of them are leaping about in the rain, behind an abandoned building. The rest of the cats have found shelter within the building. “There’s more to life than being, you know. Pretty.”
“Sure,” Baekhyun says. There’s a bit of an annoyed tone in his voice. “You can say that because you’re beautiful.”
Lu Han doesn’t respond to that. He knows better than to egg Baekhyun on. Plus, the last thing Lu Han wants is a whiny Baekhyun.
“Life,” Lu Han says. He takes a pause and leaps a circle around Baekhyun. “Is about exploring! It’s about.. finding new things. Making friends.”
“We’re cats,” Baekhyun retorts. “We have short lives. I cannot afford to look ugly in my lifespan.”
Lu Han makes a sound in the back of his throat comparable to a snort, a sound that probably sounds like a hack to the human ear.
Lu Han says, “You’re pretty. The other cats think so, too.”
“No,” Baekhyun says. “I’m going back inside. It’s cold out here.”
Lu Han notices Baekhyun’s evasion of the subject of his beauty. He nods and follows Baekhyun back into the house, not wanting to argue.
The house is large-- a whole two stories. The sides are a faded blue and the back is a dull white. The front of it, which Lu Han has assumed to have been white as well, has been torn down, as if the place was supposed to be demolished, but never was. Humans, Lu Han thinks, are odd creatures, creating such large things just to destroy them.
The other cats have built a nest-like area in a room on the second floor. The stairs are old and rickety, just like the rest of the house. Baekhyun whines about having to go up them, complaining about how he doesn’t like how the floor feels beneath his paws. Lu Han bears with it as he usually does. At the door, Minseok, a ragdoll cat, greets them, and says, voice as calm as always, “Another cat came to play with us.”
Minseok doesn’t sound so excited, but it’s not as if he usually does. Baekhyun’s ears droop and he says, “I’m having such a bad fur day! This is not the time for a new visitor.”
Minseok reaches over and hits Baekhyun on the cheek affectionately as Lu Han pushes between the both of them. The sound of a new cat is heavenly, not because Lu Han is getting a little tired of his current friends, but because broadening his friend circle seems promising.
However, when Lu Han sees the other cat, he stills. He pauses before the other cat, and the other cat seems to pause as well. Chanyeol, a calico, circles the cat in his excitement, saying, “His name is Kris! He’s not a stray.”
Chanyeol is always one to state the obvious and Lu Han, for a moment, wonders whether it’s because Chanyeol is so dense and needs it himself or whether it’s because Chanyeol wants everyone to know everything at all times. Lu Han tucks the thought away for later and stares at the other cat. The other cat stares, too, and then it seems to hit Chanyeol.
“You two look exactly the same! Well, Kris is a little cleaner,” Chanyeol looks at Lu Han and scrunches his nose. Lu Han hisses at Chanyeol, the sound something he’s perfected to come off as playful rather than threatening. Chanyeol leaps away anyhow and Lu Han steps closer to the other cat-- Kris.
It’s true, they look terrifyingly similar, the resemblance uncanny, even. But Lu Han knows his family tree is packed full of strays, he doesn’t think there’s been a rich cat in his family since at least a few centuries ago.
“Hi,” Lu Han says, smiling as he nears the other cat-- Kris, was his name? “Kris, right?”
“Yes,” Kris says. His tail swooshes high in the air and Lu Han notices. “And you are..?”
“Lu Han,” Lu Han nods his head and steps a few steps closer, paws clacking against the old wooden floor of the abandoned house. “What brings you here? This doesn’t seem like your kind of joint.”
“I was just taking a stroll,” Kris says, nose high in the air. Lu Han nods. “And I take it you live here?”
“Yeah,” Lu Han says. Kris leaps to his feet and stretches. He walks around Lu Han and makes a small circle. Lu Han can hear the other cats near the doorway. He can hear the faint shuffling of Baekhyun asserting his unattractiveness.
Kris nudges Lu Han’s middle with his forehead. Lu Han hisses, this sound one that threatens.
“Excuse me,” Lu Han says. “I don’t think I like that, so stop.”
Kris’ ears droop and his tail threatens to fall from its erect position. He circles back around so he can look at Lu Han. Lu Han is not pleased and his face says as much.
“I must go,” Kris says suddenly. Lu Han is a little thankful, but a little confused, as well. “Thank you for having me.”
Kris trots away as Lu Han says goodbye to him. He sees Kris saying goodbye to Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Minseok. Lu Han lies down and thinks, ‘I don’t like him’ about Kris.
***
Kris returns the next day, much to Lu Han’s distaste. This time, he arrives when the entirety of Lu Han’s friend circle is in their little nest on the second floor. Chanyeol greets Kris excitedly, Baekhyun pats himself on the head to make sure his fur is in place, and Minseok waits for the initial wave of hellos to be over. Zitao, a kitten who hadn’t met Kris the day before, watches the older cats curiously. Junmyeon, who had been out scavenging trash cans the day before, gets closer to Kris.
Lu Han stays put and stretches himself out on the ground, as if he were a dog. He doesn’t get what the other cats like about Kris. Initially, Lu Han had even been excited to meet him, but now the excitement is gone and all that Lu Han gets from Kris is a disgusting aura of haughtiness.
“Who’s that?” Zitao asks as he paws up to Lu Han. Zitao is a small Siamese cat. Minseok had taken him in a few weeks ago. “He’s pretty.”
“His name is Kris,” Lu Han says. “He’s pretty, I guess. I don’t like him that much.”
“But, why not?” Zitao asks, plopping down next to the older cat. “He’s pretty.”
Zitao, upon coming “home” with Minseok had immediately found home within Lu Han. Even though Minseok had been the one to bring him, Lu Han was the one who had spent the most time with him, making sure he was properly taken care of and doted upon.
“There’s more to life than that, you know?” Lu Han says, but Zitao doesn’t know. Lu Han doesn’t think he’s ever found another cat who had the same opinion.
“I’m going to say hi to him,” Zitao says, getting up. Right as he gets up, he stops, and Lu Han looks up just to see Kris looming over him.
“Who’s this little guy,” Kris asks. He dips his head down and nudges Zitao’s.
“His name is Zitao,” Lu Han replies, looking away promptly. “Be careful with him. He’s just a kitten.”
“I can tell,” Kris says. “Hello to you, Zitao.”
Zitao greets Kris back, saying, “Hello, Kris.”
Zitao promptly scurries away, and Lu Han only looks back up because of the sound of Zitao’s claws against the floor alarms his sensitive ears.
“Hello to you, too, Lu Han,” Kris says. Lu Han looks up, bored.
“Hello,” Lu Han says. He dips his head back down. “Goodbye now.”
***
“He doesn’t do anything,” Lu Han says the sixth day Kris comes back. “All he does is come here and look good and sometimes talk.”
“I think that’s his appeal,” Junmyeon responds. Junmyeon is a Manx cat. “I enjoy him.”
“That’s good,” Lu Han says, keeping his distance, grooming himself as Junmyeon approaches Kris, leaving Lu Han alone.
***
Kris doesn’t talk to Lu Han again until Lu Han sees him approaching their makeshift house as Lu Han had been leaving for “fresh air” (that’s what he’d told his friends, but, really, all they were doing had been talking about Kris, which hadn’t appealed to Lu Han at all).
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Kris says. Lu Han resists the urge to claw him right in the mouth.
“Ha ha,” Lu Han mews, stepping aside, pushing Kris away from him.
“Where are you off to?” Kris calls after him.
“I don’t know,” Lu Han calls back. Kris catches up to Lu Han and Lu Han snarls. “Are you going to follow me?”
“I don’t know,” Kris chimes in return. “Where are you going?”
“Just, away,” Lu Han says. He wants to talk about how the other cats were talking about Kris, but he bites his tongue. Lu Han keeps walking and Kris keeps following along. Lu Han doesn't say anything for ten minutes, but then caves and says, "You're acting like a stray dog."
"Ouch," Kris says. "What do you mean by that?"
"You're following around like you think I'm going to take you in or something," Lu Han says. "Dogs do that and it's annoying."
"You think I'm annoying?" Kris asks. Lu Han is quiet. He keeps walking. Kris asks again, "Where are you going?"
Lu Han decides to not talk. He’s noticed that cats, sometimes, are in need of attention in waves. But Kris might as well be a dog, Lu Han thinks, because it seems that Kris basks in attention all the time, even when he’s not around. Lu Han is sick of it. So he doesn’t talk, which he sometimes does when Baekhyun complains, but this is different.
“You think I’m annoying?” Kris asks again. Lu Han glares at Kris and stops in his step. He reaches up and paws at Kris’ face quickly. He starts walking again. Kris keeps following. Lu Han hisses and Kris still follows.
***
Lu Han walks around aimlessly for a long time, but Kris keeps following him. Lu Han thinks Kris must not be a very socially adept cat, because he should have gotten the hint by now.
“Don’t you have anywhere else to be?” Lu Han asks. Truthfully, he’s gotten quite used to Kris just walking beside him, and there’s really nothing wrong with Kris when he’s not surrounded by other cats. But Lu han is a cat of great inner tradition, so the first impression is the one that sticks with him.
“No,” Kris says. “My owner rarely notices I’m gone.”
“Well,” Lu Han says, feeling a little bad, but not wanting to show it. “You should go back to the house. The other cats have been talking about you all day.”
Lu Han knows he’s done something wrong by saying that, because, immediately, Kris’ ears perk up, and he slows in his step. Kris asks, “Really?”
“Yeah,” Lu Han responds. He shouldn’t have reminded himself because now he’s upset again.
“Do they like me?” Kris asks.
“They like you a lot,” Lu Han says. Kris gets quiet again and Lu Han is relieved. The quiet lasts for shorter than Lu Han would like.
“Do you like me?” Kris asks.
Lu Han doesn’t know how to answer. The only thing he hates about Kris is that his friends like him so much.
“I don’t know,” Lu Han says, as honest as ever. “It’s weird that you’re following me around. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve just been walking around.”
“Yeah,” Kris says. “I noticed.”
“Why are you still following me?” Lu Han asks. He stops walking and stares at Kris. Kris stares at Lu Han, too. The sun is beginning to set.
“I want to be your friend,” Kris says.
“You already have so many,” Lu Han responds.
“No, I don’t,” Kris says.
“Yes,” Lu Han pushes. “You have all of my friends.”
Lu Han no longer believes that Kris is a socially inept because he sees something happen within Kris but he can’t quite pinpoint it. But Kris seems to realize the malice within this conversation, because he apologizes and then takes off immediately. He leaves Lu Han alone and Lu Han looks up at the sun as it sets. The sky looks particularly beautiful today.
***
Kris comes pawing back into the house a few days later, after Lu Han believes that all of his friends have forgotten about his doppelganger. At first, they had been clamoring, wondering where Kris had gone, wondering whether Kris was coming back or not. In that period of time, Lu Han had pretended to be busy, grooming himself in corners when everyone was trying to guess about Kris’ whereabouts, going on hunts for thrown out Fancy Feast when all of them had sulked about losing a friend.
But Lu Han is there when Kris returns, slinking back in with his shoulders high, ready to accept the praise and love all the other cats are going to give him. And Lu Han knows Kris isn’t going to be expecting him, so he stays in the corner, licking himself. Junmyeon, who had been curled up in the corner with Lu Han, shakes himself out and saunters up to Kris. Lu Han watches everyone from time to time.
Lu Han’s gotten over it, really. Kris can steal all his friends because they all look happy. And that’s what life is all about, right? Finding new things-- making friends.
But life is all about exploring, too, isn’t it? Recently, the other cats have been giving up exploring for the sake of staying around, waiting for Kris to show up.
But, honestly, who is Lu Han to blame them for that? It’s been so long since any of them has done anything new, and, quite frankly, they’ve all been exploring the same places and they’ve all been surrounded by one another for so long, so it’s regular to suddenly become fond of something new, right?
Lu Han is thinking about these things when Kris crawls over to him. Kris says, “You’ve been grooming yourself rather violently.”
“What?” Lu Han asks. “Oh. I didn’t even notice.”
Lu Han had, indeed, been grooming himself “violently”. His sandpaper tongue is irritated with the force he’s been using to clean himself.
“Let’s go exploring,” Kris offers, suddenly.
Lu Han eyes him warily. He can’t tell whether or not Kris is being serious. Maybe Kris is making fun of him. But, of course, Lu Han isn’t one to give up a little exploring.
“What about the others?” Lu Han asks.
“It’s okay,” Kris says. “I asked if they would be okay with me just taking off with you.”
“Okay,” Lu Han says, standing up properly on his four paws. “Fine.”
***
Lu Han takes Kris around the city, to all the hotspots for finding half-finished food and to all the places that simply ‘look pretty’. Lu Han takes Kris to a city park, where they chew on fish they had found in someone’s garbage can. Lu Han teaches Kris how to eat a fish and avoid the bones. Lu Han teaches Kris how to avoid the humans because they ‘just don’t get cats’.
“My owner is a human,” Kris says at some point, obviously a little offended. By now, Lu Han doesn’t feel so sour towards Kris. “He’s not terrible.”
“I’m sure he isn’t,” Lu Han says. “I guess not all humans are like that, but a lot of them are.”
“Maybe you could meet him one day,” Kris says.
“Okay,” Lu Han says. “Maybe.”
By then, the sun sets and Lu Han teaches Kris where the sun rises and sets in the park. He gets up and turns slightly, and Kris follows suit. Together, they watch the sun delve past the horizon, content with their day’s worth of exploring.
The sunset marks the passing of another day and the growth of red strings connecting entities across globes in all universes. Some strings traverse interstellar planes and stretch past the map of different worlds. Strings snap and the Universe is empathetic. Other strings grow in elasticity, and the Universe hails such sentience as prime examples of the concept of love. Bad things happen in the Universe sometimes, but as long as a string is intact, there’s always a way to make it stronger.
Lu Han, on his way to his job at a pet shop, grazes another person’s car on the road because he swerves to avoid a cat that doesn’t know any better.
The Universe, in its most tangible state, is not tangible at all, and even itself is confused as to whether or not it’s expanding. Even it is unaware that the same matter is being recycled in a cyclical manner. It’s the same planets colliding, the same stars undergoing supernova, the same people on the same Earth falling in love, over and over again, until their strings snap, loosen, fall. Matter, apparently, cannot be destroyed, but what matters, apparently, can be.
Their friends keep killing themselves. They joke about there being some kind of suicide pact, something greater than they’re aware of. They laugh, dryly, sitting on their beds with their phones in their hands, staring at the Facebook timelines of those who have been lost.
“It seems like he was here just yesterday,” Chanyeol grins. He knows he shouldn’t be, but he is, as if it would lighten the mood. “Sitting right here on this bed.”
Kris doesn’t say anything and stares at his own phone from the bed parallel to the one Chanyeol is sitting on-- that is, Lu Han’s old bed.
“You okay?” Chanyeol asks. He’s still smiling. There’s a reaction he doesn’t remember how to muster. This is the fourth person in their friend circle to do this. Cut their ties, break it off, leave without saying anything. The first one to go didn’t leave a note, and neither did the two who followed.
“Everyone dies,” Chanyeol says after a moment of silence. “And, really, technically.. Everyone kills themselves.”
Kris knows that Sehun said that to Chanyeol a few days before Sehun tried to leave. There was a note that time, but there had been no need for it.
“Technically, everybody kills themselves,” Chanyeol mutters again, clearing his throat and looking away from Lu Han’s deserted Facebook timeline. “We’re all killing ourselves right now. Right now. We’re gonna die one day.”
Kris is still silent. They-- the detectives, the police, the ambulance-- had found Lu Han’s bike at the edge of the bridge he had jumped off.
***
The night before, Kris thought everything was okay. He thought everything would be fine. The week before, Lu Han smiled at him with a certain taste of serenity and said, “This city is great.”
Lu Han had looked away, up at the pollution that the city lights had created. They were outside, near this fountain in the city park. They made wishes, threw copper into water, waited for some sort of chemical reaction that wouldn’t happen. Kris had been cheesy, wished to love Lu Han forever. Lu Han wished for God knows what.
“There’s nothing to be but yourself here,” Lu Han said. His voice was calm. Kris didn’t say anything. All he did had been let Lu Han talk all he wanted. “The city is so big. You don’t have to hide anything.”
They had walked home together, to the apartment complex their apartment was in. Lu Han had a face of neutrality, something Kris had never seen before from Lu Han. There had always been wonderment, something bigger, something better.
“Plus,” Lu Han smiled. There had been nothing wry about it. Nothing twisted, nothing broken. Just his voice in its usual timbre, soft and throaty. “There’s so many bridges to jump off.”
“What?” Kris had finally asked.
“I mean,” Lu Han said. “Lots of opportunity. Lots of decision. So many jobs to have, so many people to meet, so much to experience.”
Kris went back to being silent.
***
Chanyeol cuts in with a thought, ending Kris’ for just a moment.
“Hah,” Chanyeol laughs, the sound breathy. “Hah, we’re gonna fucking die one day. Holy shit. We’re so fucking jaded.”
“You spend too much time with Sehun in the hospital,” Kris grins. “He’s the one killing you.”
“I’m letting him do it,” Chanyeol says. “I’m fucking jaded and whipped.”
All organisms are beings of love, filled with the capacity to feel something for one another. The Universe argues that love is the emotion that is constantly being felt, be it love for others or oneself.
Organisms, within themselves, may not even be alive, like the small moon and the big planet that get closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer.
Pet grooming is such a bleak job.
Or, at least, that’s what Lu Han thinks. All day, he’s surrounded with animals that can’t speak and can’t do anything for themselves. He blames it on the cages.
“They hold back the animals and I feel so bad,” Lu Han laments. He places the back of his palm over his forehead for dramatic effect.
“Ew,” Baekhyun says. “Don’t touch your face with your hand, you were just grooming the animals. You’re gonna break out.”
“Sure, my skin’s gonna break out,” Lu Han says. He looks into a cage, where there’s a little, fluffy dog, with a particularly comical sorrow in his eyes. “But our furry friends won’t.”
Baekhyun groans.
“Junmyeon isn’t going to be happy to know you’re whining about freeing the pets or something,” Baekhyun says. “I’m surprised he hasn’t fired you yet.”
“I’m not,” Lu Han says, suddenly defensive of his ability. “I’m great at grooming pets.”
“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Baekhyun says. “But I think he might keep you around for the pretty face.”
***
Baekhyun ends up with a bruise on his upper arm. He has half the mind to tell Junmyeon about Lu Han hitting him with a hair dryer (or a “fur dryer”, as Junmyeon calls it), but he thinks he might be a little deserving of the chastisement. He thinks he’s lucky that it’s been a slow day because that means there had been no one around to hear Lu Han lecturing him about how life isn’t just about being beautiful.
***
Lu Han can tell that Baekhyun had told their co-workers about the lecture Lu Han had given him for the umpteenth time, because poor little Zitao comes in with a face full of fear and Chanyeol comes in with a characteristic smile but an uncharacteristic nervousness.
“I’m not going to bite your heads off,” Lu Han says. “Plus, I’m leaving in an hour, anyway, so you just have to be good for a little while.”
There’s a look of relief on Zitao’s face, but Chanyeol follows up with, “Uh, what are you talking about?”
***
The next day, it’s just Lu Han and Minseok on the job, and Lu Han has no problems with that. Not that he has a problem with working with anyone, but Minseok just happens to have less of a tendency of talking out of his ass. Plus, Minseok thinks the decor of independently-owned store is a little weird, just as Lu Han does.
“Who designed this place, anyway,” Lu Han asks as he works at shaving fur off a dog’s body. “It’s so bright and there’s so much random stuff on the walls.”
“Kids like it, I think,” Minseok says. Minseok is currently petting a cat to make sure it won’t shed. “And if the kids like it, the parents like it, too.”
“What about all the single, old, rich ladies that come in?” Lu Han asks.
“Well,” Minseok says, chuckling. “They like the pricing.”
***
Lu Han doesn’t work for the next few days, but when he comes back in, he is informed that it’s Minseok’s last day. Some new guy named Yifan had joined the team as head groomer, and today is Lu Han’s first day under his employ. And, really, if Yifan weren’t such a pompous bastard, Lu Han wouldn’t have minded, but Yifan is, indeed, a pompous bastard, and Lu Han, through half of his shift, wants to beat him over the head with the ‘fur dryer’.
And it’s not like Yifan is outwardly very pompous at all, he just holds himself in a way that makes Lu Han feel belittled. Yifan scrutinizes Lu Han while he works, and Lu Han has half the mind to tell him to stop watching him and taking notes in that damned clipboard of his.
“What are you making notes for,” Lu Han asks as he watches Yifan jot down some notes.
“I’m just making notes on how you’re working,” Yifan says, hovering over Lu Han. “Standard manager stuff.”
It’s not fair, Lu Han thinks. Not fair at all.
***
The whole crew likes Yifan and that doesn’t help Lu Han’s purpose at all.
“We have to overthrow him,” he laments to Baekhyun during their lunch break. “This is like… authoritarianism, or some shit like that.”
“What?” Baekhyun asks. They’re sitting in a cafe located in the same plaza as Junmyeon’s pet store. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, like, half the time.”
“I don’t like him,” Lu Han says blankly. Baekhyun brings his Diet Coke to his lips and chews on the straw. “He’s.. he’s so, ugh.”
“What?” Baekhyun asks again, around his straw. “He’s alright. He’s not a bad guy, he’s pretty nice, actually.”
Lu Han squints at Baekhyun.
“He’s hot, too,” Baekhyun mutters, looking away.
“Fuck,” Lu Han says, almost too loud. A few people turn their heads to look, but Lu Han quickly tries to cover up by pretending to go into a coughing fit.
Baekhyun watches with all the interest of someone who’s seen this a few too many times. He says, “Stop cursing in public. The kids will hear.”
“Whatever,” Lu Han says, once he’s done with his ‘coughing fit’. “They’re going to be cursing one day, too.”
Baekhyun shakes his head and Lu Han gives him a bright smile.
In the Universe, there are no real objects, nothing you can touch, nothing you can see. The only objects are unable to be felt, unless by the heart and mind. Hands are useless, and so are eyes. The invisible strings pull people closer. If not by gut and soul, how is one supposed to feel the object of their affection?
Kris brings Lu Han back to his owner’s house. The house is big, three stories high as opposed to the two story home Lu Han had once occupied. Today’s the day Kris is going to try to get his owner to take Lu Han in. They’d been talking about it for a long time, and, after getting blessings from the rest of the cats, Lu Han had told them he was leaving.
Lu Han looks up at the house, intimidated, thinking about how it would look once half demolished. It quells his anxiety. He thinks about how odd humans are.
Kris rounds the house and Lu Han follows. Kris brings Lu Han in through the slightly open back door and starts pawing at the ground to get the attention of his owner. His owner is a tall man, standing in the kitchen with a butter knife in his hand, slathering a slice of bread with jam. He seems like an okay enough person.
“His name is Yifan,” Kris says to Lu Han, beginning to walk closer to the human. Lu Han is a bit timid, but he steps close as well.
“Is that a friend you’ve got there, big guy?” Yifan asks Kris. Kris mews and Lu Han just stands there. Yifan is quiet for a few moments before he reaches down and puts his hand in front of Lu Han’s face. Lu Han doesn’t know what to do. Yifan squats down and pets Lu Han on the back. It feels okay.
“Are you a stray?” Yifan asks. Lu Han wants to tell the human that, duh, he’s a stray. Yifan moves Lu Han around, as if to check for identification. Yifan is quiet after that, just petting both cats, one per hand.
Yifan doesn’t say anything about taking Lu Han in directly, but Lu Han just supposes that it’s because the human thinks cats don’t answer back. Within the next few days, Lu Han is cleaned up and waking up at the foot of Yifan’s bed, with Kris at his side.
The saddest thing about this, the Universe thinks, is that the organisms are unaware of the complexity of their relationships. The organisms think that everything they’ve felt is brand new.
“He’s a grown man and he eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every damn day,” Lu Han says to Baekhyun over lunch.
“So?” Baekhyun says. “Peanut butter and jelly is good.”
Lu Han rolls his eyes, “You’re just saying that because he’s hot.”
Yifan has been the manager of the pet shop for over a month now, and, about a week ago, he’d asked Lu Han out, as if he hadn’t been able to notice Lu Han’s blatant distaste for him.
“You’re just being petulant because he asked you out and you kind of want to say yes,” Baekhyun says. He squints at Lu Han and Lu Han squints back.
Lu Han doesn’t want to admit that it might be kind of true, so he just shoves his face with salad.
***
Lu Han has to give it to Yifan. Yifan is pretty hot. Plus, Lu Han doesn’t think he’s ever seen a person with so much compassion for animals before.
Tonight, it’s just him and Lu Han on the job, and they’re both working on grooming cats.
“Don’t you have any pets?” Yifan asks. They’re being casual, as if Lu Han hadn’t avoided Yifan’s proposition of going on a date a week ago.
“No,” Lu Han says. “I think it’s a little immoral. Plus, I can’t even take care of myself.”
“Oh,” Yifan laughs. Yifan, last week, had told Lu Han that he liked the dry sense of humor Lu Han had.
“Do you?” Lu Han asks, brushing away any thoughts he has about Yifan. “Have any pets, that is.”
“Yeah,” Yifan says. He trims the fur on a cat’s tail. “I have a cat. Well, actually, I have two cats. My first cat brought home a stray the other night and I couldn’t let it go. It seemed like they were friends or something.”
“Do they get along?” Lu Han asks.
“Sometimes,” Yifan says. “But my first cat, Kris, seems to like the other cat more than the other cat likes him.”
“What’s the other cat’s name?” Lu Han asks. He pets the cat on the table before him. It’s a baby siamese.
“I don’t know,” Yifan admits. “I haven’t named him yet.”
Lu Han is quiet for a moment, but then he says, “You should name it after me. I mean, since you can’t have the real me.”
Lu Han makes sure he sounds playful. He looks up at Yifan, who’s smiling and saying, “Okay.”
Humans are particularly weird creatures, the Universe thinks. They are capable of so much love, yet they are also capable of hiding such affection.
Kris and Lu Han are curled up on the bed, their tails twining against the white sheets. They watch their owners, Yifan and Lu Han, argue over something. Lu Han, the human one, is pointing a hair dryer at Yifan, and Lu Han, the cat one, is nuzzling his face against Kris’ belly. Yifan stands in the doorway, eyes flicking between human Lu Han and the cats.
“You bigheaded bastard,” the human Lu Han says. The cat Lu Han purrs. Yifan never raises his voice at the human Lu Han, but the human Lu Han always gets riled and entirely caught up in the heat of argument.
The cat Lu Han swipes his tail around, over the hump of a pillow. His pure, white fur tickles the linen of the blankets. Both cats watch their owners argue, pretending as if it happens daily, which, it doesn’t, but it’s more often than the cats would prefer.
“It’s always been like this,” human Lu Han says. “You fucking belittle me and you don’t even know it. You think you’re so big, ever since you replaced Minseok at the pet store. I hated you, I absolutely loathed you.”
“But you don’t anymore,” Yifan asks, eyebrows raised, terse in his speech. “Right?”
“I might,” Lu Han says, crossing his arms over his chest. Lu Han is now fuming, and the cats can’t do anything but watch.
“Cats get it,” cat Lu Han purrs, curled around Kris. “They should just ask us how we argue. We can fix it for them.”
“I’m sure,” Kris says. “Humans are nonsensical.”
“Right,” Lu Han purrs again.
“Really?” Yifan asks Lu Han, the human one.
“I don’t know,” Lu Han says, the hairdryer heavy in his hand. “I wish I could tell you.”
Human Lu Han drops the hairdryer and Yifan watches it fall to the ground. On their wooden floors, the hairdryer cracks, and Yifan thinks he can fix it later. Lu Han glares at Yifan and exits the room. It’s dramatic, and the cats feel bad for Yifan, who’s frozen in his spot. Lu Han, the cat one, hops off the bed and trots up to Yifan, rubbing his body against the man’s body. Yifan looks down and smiles at the cat.
“It’s okay,” Yifan says to Lu Han the cat, and Lu Han the cat nods. “It’s always okay in the end.”
It’s always okay in the end, the universe tries to assure its inhabitants. Everything turns out okay, on deathbeds, in cars, in houses. In the end, there is no choice but to be fine.
Kris is curled up in bed. He’s alone, completely and utterly alone.
But, of course, he did this to himself. His friends keep killing themselves, and it’s probably best for him to ostracize himself from everyone else, just so he’s not affected. Chanyeol’s in the hospital with Sehun now, Minseok’s dead, Jongdae is grieving, Junmyeon is trying to counsel everyone through peppy emails, Jongin is dead, Kyungsoo is dead, Baekhyun is grieving. Lu Han is wherever, probably out with Yixing or Zitao, detaching themselves from the situation. College fucking sucks, everyone is dying. Just the week before, it seemed like they were partying, everything was beautiful, there was nothing but red cups and alcohol, but now, it’s red cups, alcohol, Xanax or Prozac.
Everyone’s dying and Kris is dying, too.
It’s cold, freezing in the dorm room. It’s dark, too. No windows open, no door open, no light on, nothing. This, Kris thinks, is better than facing the deaths of his friends, is better than grieving with the others, is better than detaching from himself from the situation. At this point, he’s completely immersed, but also completely removed, left only with his own thoughts.
Lu Han, at some point, comes into the dorm room. Kris hears him twisting the doorknob. The rustle of his clothing is soft and quiet, and his footsteps are the same way. Lu Han pads close to the bed, gentle, and then punches Kris right in the back. Kris doesn’t respond.
“All our friends are dead,” Lu Han grins, turning on a light and plopping down beside Kris on his bed. “There’s nothing we can do about it.”
“Don’t remind me,” Kris says, turning around in his bed, looking up at Lu Han. Lu Han looks cynical, if that’s even possible, his bright eyes turned down a notch to just barely shining.
“Sit up,” Lu Han says. Kris sits up, resting his back against the headboard of the bed. His legs stretch out on the mattress and Lu Han situates himself so he’s straddling Kris’ thighs. He looks Kris straight in the eye and smiles, head tilting to the side in the slightest. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Kris says. His voice is hoarse from lack of use, and he clears his throat, trying again, “Uh, hi.”
“Our friends are dead,” Lu Han repeats.
“Our friends are dead,” Kris parrots.
“We’re stuck with dead friends,” Lu Han says. “But we’re all going to die one day, right?”
“Right,” Kris nods.
It’s silent for a few moments, the sound of the air conditioning filtering through the room the only sound able to be heard.
“What if I’m next?” Lu Han asks, like it’s not some sort of big question he’s asking. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” Kris says. “This, again, probably?”
“That’s unhealthy,” Lu Han says. He bites his lower lip, as if he’s suppressing a smile. There must be something wrong with Lu Han, Kris thinks.
“So is whatever you’re doing,” Kris says.
“I’m well-adjusted,” Lu Han argues. He leans forward and puts his lips to Kris’ for a split second.
“And I’m not?” Kris asks, raising an eyebrow.
“No,” Lu Han says. “Of course not.”
“Right,” Kris says. “Of course not.”
In all moments, love is alive, hiding in the crevices of spaces between words, or lacing around speech, constricting it so things, people, cities, can move closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer.
Lu Han, one day, in the middle of a shift at the pet shop, pushes Yifan up against a wall and kisses him. Lu Han, then, agrees to a date.
***
Months later, after a shift at the pet shop, Lu Han tells all his friends that he’s moving in with Yifan. Yifan’s house is three stories tall and, when Lu Han looks up at it, he feels intimidated. Yifan reassures Lu Han by reaching over, holding his hand, and they walk into the house together. At the door, they are greeted by two cats, both white and fluffy. Yifan tells him that the slightly bigger one is Kris, and the smaller one is Lu Han.
The entanglement of strings is inevitable. The Universe goes with it, and assures itself that it is fine. Nothing bad can happen, when it comes to love, right?
“Our friends are dead,” Lu Han says, looking at Yifan, sitting in a stool located beside the hospital bed. “It’s our time now, isn’t it? It’s about time?”
Yifan looks up, over at Lu Han, who’s old, face crinkled with years and decades. Yifan is sure he looks like that, too, but he’s detached himself from the situation. Lying on a deathbed, the last thing he can think about is how old he’s getting, how many years have passed by. They are getting old. They are old.
“We were together for a long time,” Lu Han says, giving Yifan a small grin. “You lived a good life.”
“You don’t seem too upset that I’m dying,” Yifan says, a cough immediately following. Lu Han reaches down and places his hand on Yifan’s chest.
“I’m upset,” Lu Han says. “Of course I’m upset.”
Lu Han is still smiling and Yifan doesn’t have any choice but to smile, too. Lu Han, with his old, weathered voice, laughs. He says, “So, you’re a bigheaded bastard for 70-something years and you choose now to leave your confidence? You’re really something else, Yifan.”
Yifan is still smiling. Lu Han holds Yifan’s hand, his wrinkled fingers sliding across Yifan’s wrinkled skin. They are quiet for a few moments, but the silence fills the spaces between their words and encompasses them entirely. They found-- find-- love between different moments and they let it settle, fill their pores, smooth their wrinkles, lodge between gaps of time they had relinquished.
“I feel like we’ve done so much,” Lu Han says, holding Yifan’s hand in his loosely. “Like.. we’ve seen the universe come and go.”
“Cheesy,” Yifan says. Lu Han gets him to stop talking by squeezing his fingers around Yifan’s palm.
He seeks silence. He stops talking. It is silent, he can hear the beeping of heart monitors, and he can hear gentle dripping, and he can hear footsteps down the halls of the sterile silence of the hospital. Doctors talk, talk about how they can fix things, things are better once they’re fixed, a doctor says, and another doctor laughs in agreement.
It’s silence Lu Han hears when he drops Yifan’s hand. It’s silence Lu Han hears when Yifan’s hand rustles against the sheets on the hospital bed. It’s silence Lu Han hears as he whispers, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Though what matters can be destroyed, what can be destroyed can be fixed. To have been broken is to have been fixed, and to have been fixed is to have been made better. Better, that’s all the Universe wants to be, that’s all the Universe wants things to be. Not great, just better.
Yifan and Lu Han are curled up in bed. It’s the morning. Their cats are curled up at their feet and sunlight filters in, washing them with the warmth of silence and the sound of birds chirping. Yifan had fixed the hairdryer last night and it’s just as good as it had been when they first got it. The cats purr and Yifan stares at Lu Han, the human one, and Yifan holds Lu Han beneath the blankets.
“Cheesy,” Lu Han, the human one, says, staring at Yifan in return. He’s smiling.
“You’re beautiful,” Yifan says. “Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.”
“Okay,” Lu Han says. “Thanks, I guess.”
“I’m in love with you,” Yifan says, grinning.
“Thanks,” Lu Han says again, petulant as always.
“Do you care?” Yifan asks. His voice is low, scratchy with the aftereffects of waking up.
“No,” Lu Han responds. “Of course not.”
“Right,” Yifan says. “Of course not.”
Life is about exploring, the Universe says, but life is about finding love in the radio silence that encompasses the entirety of civilization. So, the Universe thinks, wouldn’t life and exploration stem from the finding of love?
“Life is about exploring,” Lu Han says, walking on the ledge of the fountain in the nearby park. There are lights installed where the water shoots up from the fountain, and they illuminate both the water and Lu Han's face. "It's about finding new things. Making friends."
"Okay," Kris says.
"So," Lu Han hops off the ledge. "That's why I don't really care that you think I'm gorgeous."
"But, do you care that I love you? I said that, too," Kris says.
"Sure," Lu Han says, walking closer to Kris. He tiptoes up and kisses Kris on the cheek. "But, it doesn't really matter to me."
"Oh," Kris says. "Do you love me, too?"
"Yeah," Lu Han says. "Why do you ask?"
They are silent for a few moments.
"It doesn't matter," Kris says, smiling.
"No," Lu Han says. "Of course not."
"Right," Kris says. "Of course not."
Later that night, Lu Han tells Kris that he loves this city. There’s so many people to meet, so many bridges to jump off. Opportunities are all they are, Lu Han assures Kris. Opportunities he may or may not take. Experiences he may or may not indulge himself in.
In its most inopportune moments, the Universe wants to end, but, if the Universe were to end, all the strings would snap, wouldn’t they? The inter-universal connections of those inhabiting it would end, disappear, vanish. But the Universe is less selfish than that, so it takes its time. It makes every move matter, it makes every word matter, it makes every touch, hug, embrace, kiss matter.
“We’ve been through the entire universe and back,” Kris says. His fluffy, white tail swooshes against the edge of the couch. He’s a profound cat, that’s for sure, and Lu Han cuddles up to him. Lu Han, with his fluffy, white body of fur and tickly tail. “We’ve seen the entire universe come and go.”
“Maybe,” Lu Han says. “You know what the humans say, cats have nine lives, or something.”
“Humans are weird,” Kris asserts. Lu Han purrs.
“They might be onto something,” Lu Han says.
For every billion strings, perhaps only one can grow in elasticity, but the Universe is less aware of that than it should be. The strings pass planets and stars and intersect in black holes. They stretch over things unknown to even the Universe, and like a tightrope to a high-wire performer, they’re stable, yet unsafe. It’s unsafe to fall in love over and over again. It’s unsafe to cheat the system.
There’s a universe in which they are completely unaware of the connection they share. They had been passing one another in a big, big city, hands swaying at their sides as their fingers brushed. Yifan-- Kris-- whatever he is in this universe-- had looked at Lu Han, had done a double take. Lu Han hadn’t. But the both of them had felt something, which could have been, was probably, the most intimate display of affection to the Universe.
To avoid an opportunity is to cheat the system. To cheat the system is to destroy some part of the Universe. To destroy some part of the Universe is to call for it to be fixed-- to call for it to be better, to call for it to just, somehow, exist, or to just, somehow, never have existed at all.
Sometimes, in some universe, Lu Han feels empty, as if he’s missing someone or something, as if he hasn’t explored enough.
Kris-- Yifan-- whoever he is-- sometimes feel like he’s missed opportunities.
Lu Han just hasn’t been presented with certain opportunities. It’s like the Universe is out to get him.
The only apocalypse the Universe is afraid of is the one where it ceases to exist entirely. The one where all other universes cease to. To have all those strings that have been nurtured break, to tangle within itself and cave in.
“Everyone dies,” Lu Han says to Kris.
“I know,” Kris says. “But, right now, I feel invincible.”
“It’s because you love me,” Lu Han says.
“And you don’t love me?” Kris asks.
“Yeah, maybe,” Lu Han says. “But I feel like something bad is going to happen.”
“You’re going to be the death of me,” Kris says, grinning, as if he’s said something funny, but all he’s said is the truth.
“Back at you,” Lu Han says, smiling, as if he’s said something funny, too, but all he’s said is the truth.
Yifan almost hits a car with his on the road when the other car swerves to avoid a white thing of a cat. He swerves just in time, and makes it away with nothing but a nick on his car.
The sun is beginning to set and Lu Han is driving. He’s speeding on the highway because he has to get to his job in the next town. His scheduling had been poor planning on his part, but there’s no time to think about that as he goes 90 in a 70 zone. No one else is on the highway, which is odd for a Friday evening, but again, there’s no time to think about that, because he only has so much time to spare before he can run into the pet shop with less than 30 seconds on his side.
***
His cat is in the passenger’s seat as he drives behind someone speeding. Yifan keeps his speed down to stay far away from the car in front of him to avoid any accidents. To him, caution is key, and he’s allocated his time to be on time to the pet shop without running over the speed limit. On the radio, there’s piano music-- something classical he can’t quite put his finger on, but it’s calming as he goes a brisk 70, skimming right along the edge of the speed limit.
***
Lu Han isn’t thinking when he turns the wheel to avoid hitting the cat that all of a sudden jumps out of a window of a car. The last thing he had expected was an animal appearing before him, but it’s all instinct and muscle spasms when he makes a sharp left.
***
Yifan almost skids to a stop when his cat, jumps out of the open window on the passenger’s side. He’s thankful there’s no one behind him on the freeway, but not that excited to see the car in front of him swerve, turning at almost a 90-degree angle before him.
***
The side of Lu Han’s car is impacted by the front of the car that had been behind him. The cat is unharmed, at the very least, but there’s pain and adrenaline coursing through Lu Han’s body. He closes his eyes.
***
Yifan panics after he hits the car in front of him. A thousand thoughts hit him before his airbag inflates, but he stops breathing almost immediately, body shutting down at the surge of adrenaline that shocks his system.
The sunset marks the passing of another day. The snapping of a string is natural, but the gentle unraveling of one is not.
Lu Han, somehow, gets out of the crash with broken ribs, but nothing else. The person in the car behind him had, for some reason, been unable to get out of the crash, and, for different reasons, Lu Han feels indebted to whoever it is. Lu Han feels at fault.
The Universe confuses itself and a string tangles as it tries to snap. The Universe, now, is on autopilot. It’ll take what it can get, as long as unbroken strings keep going, keep existing, or fall out of existence entirely.
Repeatedly, in different timelines, they keep dying at the hands of one another.
Lu Han keeps killing Kris, Yifan, whoever it is, and Lu Han keeps dying with the last thoughts of, ‘the universe is out to get me’.
Ultimately, the Universe gets to decide what it would like to do. Would it be okay for it to, the Universe wonders, self-destruct at the hands of a single string? This is what the Universe has come to, it thinks, this is the one string, the only string, that has existed since the conception of the Universe. Its elasticity has challenged the Universe. The Universe musters up its energy and thinks that it’s okay. Everything turns out okay all the time, on deathbeds, in cars, in houses. In the end, there is no choice but to be fine, even at the end of the Universe.
With its energy, the Universe lets the string continue for just a little longer.
“You’re going to be the death of me,” Yifan says. They’re young, invincible. The only hearts they have broken are each other's, over and over again. But that’s beautiful, meaningful.
“Vice versa,” Lu Han says.
They are quiet for a few moments. They sit on a park bench and watch the sunset for a while, and the silence is loud, drumming in their ears.
“It’s because you love me,” Lu Han says finally.
“And you love me, right?” Kris asks.
"Yeah," Lu Han says, smiling, as if he’s said something funny, but all he’s said is the truth. "Of course."
"Right," Yifan says, grinning, as if he’s said something funny, too, but all he’s said is the truth. "Of course."
For: bluedreaming
Rating: PG-13
Length: 9433
Warnings: recurring mentions of suicide, inconsistent timeline, character death (MULTIPLE COUNTS)
Author's Note: PLS ENJOY :D :D :D :D :D
Summary: The only hearts they have broken are each other's, over and over again.
The Universe is the higher being of those beginning to live in it. When the Universe is created, tangible dimensions appear, starstuff fills a vast emptiness and energy is the catalyst of everything’s conception. Along with the touchable ingredients of galactic wonders, unseen dimensions of time, distance, and love appear, weaving themselves into the vacuum of space.
Planets collide, asteroids begin to expel matter into the gravitational plane. Metaphorical strings of love begin to come together, the universe determining the fates of those beginning to inhabit planets. Inanimate objects and all life forms are affected by metaphor.
Somewhere, in the deep depths of the Universe, a small moon orbits a big planet. Throughout the course of time, all the stars in the galaxy supernova. The timeline of the Universe grows and nothing can remember the blip of time in which the moon was nearing the planet; there is no record of the sure but slow effect of gravity, pulling two bodies of mass closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer.
In some universe, things thought to be 21st century myths loom, curving trees and hiding in the dark.
The dragon curls in on himself in the moonlit haven of a forest, distant from civilization. The dragon heaves, cold in the winter, unable to seek solace in any cave or tunnel. No cavern is large enough to house him, alone, and no others are willing to take him in.
With no companionship or sense of safety, the dragon is sure of his demise. He will die alone. He is sure.
Animals who were once afraid of him begin to walk past him blatantly. They begin to feel no danger. The beast, to them, has been quelled. Rabbits skim his scales. Snakes, distant relatives, hiss at him aimlessly. The dragon’s sense of time becomes skewed. What had been a minute feels like an hour. Different woodland creatures come by in groups, one trailing after another, paying no attention to the dragon.
The dragon had always been kind, a beast in no need of taming. He’d always been gentle in his hunting; he’d killed animals with quick and stealthy methods in order to cause the least pain. He’d dine in remorse and with sadness, alone as always.
An outcast at his finest, the dragon feels neutral regarding its impending death.
Squirrels skitter past. Birds fly around him, creating figure eights above his head. Butterflies come by in the same matter, fluttering by in fives and tens. A pack of deer trot past. One bumps right into the dragon.
The dragon is unperturbed. The deer stays, stunned. The deer nuzzles its nose against the dragon’s scales, lifts the dragon’s head with some of his strength, looks the dragon in the eye. The deer smiles as all other animals do, subtly, almost imperceptibly. The dragon’s head falls back down and the deer stays behind its pack. The deer, a young buck, feels bad; the young buck, compassionate, feels pity.
The buck remains with the dragon until the dragon stops breathing, until the dragon’s body stops heaving, until the dragon is content, dying less than alone, but more than lonely.
Civilizations expand. Universes follow different timelines and, in some universe, humans and beasts of myths coexist. In different universes, different cities grow and develop in different patterns. The world is unfolding the way the Universe had planned. Strings of fate pull taut against the timelines of separate universes. Some of these strings have weakened to the point of snapping. Some of these strings connect universes, yet sentience does not promise the realizing of these connections, the realization of invisible gravitational pull of masses, people, animals, those with a promised life.
At some point in common civilization, a familiar string appears. The Universe is relieved and ready for this relationship to bloom. It has been waiting for it to come around again.
Somewhere, in a city with a set system of currency and an economical hierarchy, there are the poor and the rich and the people in between. Similarly, between animals, there is a clear divide between the stray and the domesticated. Their microcosm is as complex as the larger world of the humans, if not more difficult to understand.
Lu Han is a cat. A white, fluffy, stray cat with blue eyes and a tail that needs some grooming. He’s got a little pink nose that’s sensitive to any and all scents. He’s got fur that is in desperate need of some cleaning, dirt finding home in the crevices of his strands of white.
“I’m so ugly,” Baekhyun says to Lu Han one day. Baekhyun is a tabby cat. Lu Han pokes Baekhyun in the cheek with a paw. “Why can’t I be as pretty as you?”
As in humans, the innate desire to be beautiful is strong within cats. Lu Han has noticed this to be most prevalent within his friend Baekhyun.
Lu Han’s circle of friends consists mainly of other stray cats. They live together in a small pack, trekking the dangers of the city in groups. They usually find shelter behind trash cans. They stay away from humans and other animals. They live life “on the wild side”, as Lu Han says.
“Don’t say that,” Lu Han says. The two of them are leaping about in the rain, behind an abandoned building. The rest of the cats have found shelter within the building. “There’s more to life than being, you know. Pretty.”
“Sure,” Baekhyun says. There’s a bit of an annoyed tone in his voice. “You can say that because you’re beautiful.”
Lu Han doesn’t respond to that. He knows better than to egg Baekhyun on. Plus, the last thing Lu Han wants is a whiny Baekhyun.
“Life,” Lu Han says. He takes a pause and leaps a circle around Baekhyun. “Is about exploring! It’s about.. finding new things. Making friends.”
“We’re cats,” Baekhyun retorts. “We have short lives. I cannot afford to look ugly in my lifespan.”
Lu Han makes a sound in the back of his throat comparable to a snort, a sound that probably sounds like a hack to the human ear.
Lu Han says, “You’re pretty. The other cats think so, too.”
“No,” Baekhyun says. “I’m going back inside. It’s cold out here.”
Lu Han notices Baekhyun’s evasion of the subject of his beauty. He nods and follows Baekhyun back into the house, not wanting to argue.
The house is large-- a whole two stories. The sides are a faded blue and the back is a dull white. The front of it, which Lu Han has assumed to have been white as well, has been torn down, as if the place was supposed to be demolished, but never was. Humans, Lu Han thinks, are odd creatures, creating such large things just to destroy them.
The other cats have built a nest-like area in a room on the second floor. The stairs are old and rickety, just like the rest of the house. Baekhyun whines about having to go up them, complaining about how he doesn’t like how the floor feels beneath his paws. Lu Han bears with it as he usually does. At the door, Minseok, a ragdoll cat, greets them, and says, voice as calm as always, “Another cat came to play with us.”
Minseok doesn’t sound so excited, but it’s not as if he usually does. Baekhyun’s ears droop and he says, “I’m having such a bad fur day! This is not the time for a new visitor.”
Minseok reaches over and hits Baekhyun on the cheek affectionately as Lu Han pushes between the both of them. The sound of a new cat is heavenly, not because Lu Han is getting a little tired of his current friends, but because broadening his friend circle seems promising.
However, when Lu Han sees the other cat, he stills. He pauses before the other cat, and the other cat seems to pause as well. Chanyeol, a calico, circles the cat in his excitement, saying, “His name is Kris! He’s not a stray.”
Chanyeol is always one to state the obvious and Lu Han, for a moment, wonders whether it’s because Chanyeol is so dense and needs it himself or whether it’s because Chanyeol wants everyone to know everything at all times. Lu Han tucks the thought away for later and stares at the other cat. The other cat stares, too, and then it seems to hit Chanyeol.
“You two look exactly the same! Well, Kris is a little cleaner,” Chanyeol looks at Lu Han and scrunches his nose. Lu Han hisses at Chanyeol, the sound something he’s perfected to come off as playful rather than threatening. Chanyeol leaps away anyhow and Lu Han steps closer to the other cat-- Kris.
It’s true, they look terrifyingly similar, the resemblance uncanny, even. But Lu Han knows his family tree is packed full of strays, he doesn’t think there’s been a rich cat in his family since at least a few centuries ago.
“Hi,” Lu Han says, smiling as he nears the other cat-- Kris, was his name? “Kris, right?”
“Yes,” Kris says. His tail swooshes high in the air and Lu Han notices. “And you are..?”
“Lu Han,” Lu Han nods his head and steps a few steps closer, paws clacking against the old wooden floor of the abandoned house. “What brings you here? This doesn’t seem like your kind of joint.”
“I was just taking a stroll,” Kris says, nose high in the air. Lu Han nods. “And I take it you live here?”
“Yeah,” Lu Han says. Kris leaps to his feet and stretches. He walks around Lu Han and makes a small circle. Lu Han can hear the other cats near the doorway. He can hear the faint shuffling of Baekhyun asserting his unattractiveness.
Kris nudges Lu Han’s middle with his forehead. Lu Han hisses, this sound one that threatens.
“Excuse me,” Lu Han says. “I don’t think I like that, so stop.”
Kris’ ears droop and his tail threatens to fall from its erect position. He circles back around so he can look at Lu Han. Lu Han is not pleased and his face says as much.
“I must go,” Kris says suddenly. Lu Han is a little thankful, but a little confused, as well. “Thank you for having me.”
Kris trots away as Lu Han says goodbye to him. He sees Kris saying goodbye to Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Minseok. Lu Han lies down and thinks, ‘I don’t like him’ about Kris.
***
Kris returns the next day, much to Lu Han’s distaste. This time, he arrives when the entirety of Lu Han’s friend circle is in their little nest on the second floor. Chanyeol greets Kris excitedly, Baekhyun pats himself on the head to make sure his fur is in place, and Minseok waits for the initial wave of hellos to be over. Zitao, a kitten who hadn’t met Kris the day before, watches the older cats curiously. Junmyeon, who had been out scavenging trash cans the day before, gets closer to Kris.
Lu Han stays put and stretches himself out on the ground, as if he were a dog. He doesn’t get what the other cats like about Kris. Initially, Lu Han had even been excited to meet him, but now the excitement is gone and all that Lu Han gets from Kris is a disgusting aura of haughtiness.
“Who’s that?” Zitao asks as he paws up to Lu Han. Zitao is a small Siamese cat. Minseok had taken him in a few weeks ago. “He’s pretty.”
“His name is Kris,” Lu Han says. “He’s pretty, I guess. I don’t like him that much.”
“But, why not?” Zitao asks, plopping down next to the older cat. “He’s pretty.”
Zitao, upon coming “home” with Minseok had immediately found home within Lu Han. Even though Minseok had been the one to bring him, Lu Han was the one who had spent the most time with him, making sure he was properly taken care of and doted upon.
“There’s more to life than that, you know?” Lu Han says, but Zitao doesn’t know. Lu Han doesn’t think he’s ever found another cat who had the same opinion.
“I’m going to say hi to him,” Zitao says, getting up. Right as he gets up, he stops, and Lu Han looks up just to see Kris looming over him.
“Who’s this little guy,” Kris asks. He dips his head down and nudges Zitao’s.
“His name is Zitao,” Lu Han replies, looking away promptly. “Be careful with him. He’s just a kitten.”
“I can tell,” Kris says. “Hello to you, Zitao.”
Zitao greets Kris back, saying, “Hello, Kris.”
Zitao promptly scurries away, and Lu Han only looks back up because of the sound of Zitao’s claws against the floor alarms his sensitive ears.
“Hello to you, too, Lu Han,” Kris says. Lu Han looks up, bored.
“Hello,” Lu Han says. He dips his head back down. “Goodbye now.”
***
“He doesn’t do anything,” Lu Han says the sixth day Kris comes back. “All he does is come here and look good and sometimes talk.”
“I think that’s his appeal,” Junmyeon responds. Junmyeon is a Manx cat. “I enjoy him.”
“That’s good,” Lu Han says, keeping his distance, grooming himself as Junmyeon approaches Kris, leaving Lu Han alone.
***
Kris doesn’t talk to Lu Han again until Lu Han sees him approaching their makeshift house as Lu Han had been leaving for “fresh air” (that’s what he’d told his friends, but, really, all they were doing had been talking about Kris, which hadn’t appealed to Lu Han at all).
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Kris says. Lu Han resists the urge to claw him right in the mouth.
“Ha ha,” Lu Han mews, stepping aside, pushing Kris away from him.
“Where are you off to?” Kris calls after him.
“I don’t know,” Lu Han calls back. Kris catches up to Lu Han and Lu Han snarls. “Are you going to follow me?”
“I don’t know,” Kris chimes in return. “Where are you going?”
“Just, away,” Lu Han says. He wants to talk about how the other cats were talking about Kris, but he bites his tongue. Lu Han keeps walking and Kris keeps following along. Lu Han doesn't say anything for ten minutes, but then caves and says, "You're acting like a stray dog."
"Ouch," Kris says. "What do you mean by that?"
"You're following around like you think I'm going to take you in or something," Lu Han says. "Dogs do that and it's annoying."
"You think I'm annoying?" Kris asks. Lu Han is quiet. He keeps walking. Kris asks again, "Where are you going?"
Lu Han decides to not talk. He’s noticed that cats, sometimes, are in need of attention in waves. But Kris might as well be a dog, Lu Han thinks, because it seems that Kris basks in attention all the time, even when he’s not around. Lu Han is sick of it. So he doesn’t talk, which he sometimes does when Baekhyun complains, but this is different.
“You think I’m annoying?” Kris asks again. Lu Han glares at Kris and stops in his step. He reaches up and paws at Kris’ face quickly. He starts walking again. Kris keeps following. Lu Han hisses and Kris still follows.
***
Lu Han walks around aimlessly for a long time, but Kris keeps following him. Lu Han thinks Kris must not be a very socially adept cat, because he should have gotten the hint by now.
“Don’t you have anywhere else to be?” Lu Han asks. Truthfully, he’s gotten quite used to Kris just walking beside him, and there’s really nothing wrong with Kris when he’s not surrounded by other cats. But Lu han is a cat of great inner tradition, so the first impression is the one that sticks with him.
“No,” Kris says. “My owner rarely notices I’m gone.”
“Well,” Lu Han says, feeling a little bad, but not wanting to show it. “You should go back to the house. The other cats have been talking about you all day.”
Lu Han knows he’s done something wrong by saying that, because, immediately, Kris’ ears perk up, and he slows in his step. Kris asks, “Really?”
“Yeah,” Lu Han responds. He shouldn’t have reminded himself because now he’s upset again.
“Do they like me?” Kris asks.
“They like you a lot,” Lu Han says. Kris gets quiet again and Lu Han is relieved. The quiet lasts for shorter than Lu Han would like.
“Do you like me?” Kris asks.
Lu Han doesn’t know how to answer. The only thing he hates about Kris is that his friends like him so much.
“I don’t know,” Lu Han says, as honest as ever. “It’s weird that you’re following me around. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve just been walking around.”
“Yeah,” Kris says. “I noticed.”
“Why are you still following me?” Lu Han asks. He stops walking and stares at Kris. Kris stares at Lu Han, too. The sun is beginning to set.
“I want to be your friend,” Kris says.
“You already have so many,” Lu Han responds.
“No, I don’t,” Kris says.
“Yes,” Lu Han pushes. “You have all of my friends.”
Lu Han no longer believes that Kris is a socially inept because he sees something happen within Kris but he can’t quite pinpoint it. But Kris seems to realize the malice within this conversation, because he apologizes and then takes off immediately. He leaves Lu Han alone and Lu Han looks up at the sun as it sets. The sky looks particularly beautiful today.
***
Kris comes pawing back into the house a few days later, after Lu Han believes that all of his friends have forgotten about his doppelganger. At first, they had been clamoring, wondering where Kris had gone, wondering whether Kris was coming back or not. In that period of time, Lu Han had pretended to be busy, grooming himself in corners when everyone was trying to guess about Kris’ whereabouts, going on hunts for thrown out Fancy Feast when all of them had sulked about losing a friend.
But Lu Han is there when Kris returns, slinking back in with his shoulders high, ready to accept the praise and love all the other cats are going to give him. And Lu Han knows Kris isn’t going to be expecting him, so he stays in the corner, licking himself. Junmyeon, who had been curled up in the corner with Lu Han, shakes himself out and saunters up to Kris. Lu Han watches everyone from time to time.
Lu Han’s gotten over it, really. Kris can steal all his friends because they all look happy. And that’s what life is all about, right? Finding new things-- making friends.
But life is all about exploring, too, isn’t it? Recently, the other cats have been giving up exploring for the sake of staying around, waiting for Kris to show up.
But, honestly, who is Lu Han to blame them for that? It’s been so long since any of them has done anything new, and, quite frankly, they’ve all been exploring the same places and they’ve all been surrounded by one another for so long, so it’s regular to suddenly become fond of something new, right?
Lu Han is thinking about these things when Kris crawls over to him. Kris says, “You’ve been grooming yourself rather violently.”
“What?” Lu Han asks. “Oh. I didn’t even notice.”
Lu Han had, indeed, been grooming himself “violently”. His sandpaper tongue is irritated with the force he’s been using to clean himself.
“Let’s go exploring,” Kris offers, suddenly.
Lu Han eyes him warily. He can’t tell whether or not Kris is being serious. Maybe Kris is making fun of him. But, of course, Lu Han isn’t one to give up a little exploring.
“What about the others?” Lu Han asks.
“It’s okay,” Kris says. “I asked if they would be okay with me just taking off with you.”
“Okay,” Lu Han says, standing up properly on his four paws. “Fine.”
***
Lu Han takes Kris around the city, to all the hotspots for finding half-finished food and to all the places that simply ‘look pretty’. Lu Han takes Kris to a city park, where they chew on fish they had found in someone’s garbage can. Lu Han teaches Kris how to eat a fish and avoid the bones. Lu Han teaches Kris how to avoid the humans because they ‘just don’t get cats’.
“My owner is a human,” Kris says at some point, obviously a little offended. By now, Lu Han doesn’t feel so sour towards Kris. “He’s not terrible.”
“I’m sure he isn’t,” Lu Han says. “I guess not all humans are like that, but a lot of them are.”
“Maybe you could meet him one day,” Kris says.
“Okay,” Lu Han says. “Maybe.”
By then, the sun sets and Lu Han teaches Kris where the sun rises and sets in the park. He gets up and turns slightly, and Kris follows suit. Together, they watch the sun delve past the horizon, content with their day’s worth of exploring.
The sunset marks the passing of another day and the growth of red strings connecting entities across globes in all universes. Some strings traverse interstellar planes and stretch past the map of different worlds. Strings snap and the Universe is empathetic. Other strings grow in elasticity, and the Universe hails such sentience as prime examples of the concept of love. Bad things happen in the Universe sometimes, but as long as a string is intact, there’s always a way to make it stronger.
Lu Han, on his way to his job at a pet shop, grazes another person’s car on the road because he swerves to avoid a cat that doesn’t know any better.
The Universe, in its most tangible state, is not tangible at all, and even itself is confused as to whether or not it’s expanding. Even it is unaware that the same matter is being recycled in a cyclical manner. It’s the same planets colliding, the same stars undergoing supernova, the same people on the same Earth falling in love, over and over again, until their strings snap, loosen, fall. Matter, apparently, cannot be destroyed, but what matters, apparently, can be.
Their friends keep killing themselves. They joke about there being some kind of suicide pact, something greater than they’re aware of. They laugh, dryly, sitting on their beds with their phones in their hands, staring at the Facebook timelines of those who have been lost.
“It seems like he was here just yesterday,” Chanyeol grins. He knows he shouldn’t be, but he is, as if it would lighten the mood. “Sitting right here on this bed.”
Kris doesn’t say anything and stares at his own phone from the bed parallel to the one Chanyeol is sitting on-- that is, Lu Han’s old bed.
“You okay?” Chanyeol asks. He’s still smiling. There’s a reaction he doesn’t remember how to muster. This is the fourth person in their friend circle to do this. Cut their ties, break it off, leave without saying anything. The first one to go didn’t leave a note, and neither did the two who followed.
“Everyone dies,” Chanyeol says after a moment of silence. “And, really, technically.. Everyone kills themselves.”
Kris knows that Sehun said that to Chanyeol a few days before Sehun tried to leave. There was a note that time, but there had been no need for it.
“Technically, everybody kills themselves,” Chanyeol mutters again, clearing his throat and looking away from Lu Han’s deserted Facebook timeline. “We’re all killing ourselves right now. Right now. We’re gonna die one day.”
Kris is still silent. They-- the detectives, the police, the ambulance-- had found Lu Han’s bike at the edge of the bridge he had jumped off.
***
The night before, Kris thought everything was okay. He thought everything would be fine. The week before, Lu Han smiled at him with a certain taste of serenity and said, “This city is great.”
Lu Han had looked away, up at the pollution that the city lights had created. They were outside, near this fountain in the city park. They made wishes, threw copper into water, waited for some sort of chemical reaction that wouldn’t happen. Kris had been cheesy, wished to love Lu Han forever. Lu Han wished for God knows what.
“There’s nothing to be but yourself here,” Lu Han said. His voice was calm. Kris didn’t say anything. All he did had been let Lu Han talk all he wanted. “The city is so big. You don’t have to hide anything.”
They had walked home together, to the apartment complex their apartment was in. Lu Han had a face of neutrality, something Kris had never seen before from Lu Han. There had always been wonderment, something bigger, something better.
“Plus,” Lu Han smiled. There had been nothing wry about it. Nothing twisted, nothing broken. Just his voice in its usual timbre, soft and throaty. “There’s so many bridges to jump off.”
“What?” Kris had finally asked.
“I mean,” Lu Han said. “Lots of opportunity. Lots of decision. So many jobs to have, so many people to meet, so much to experience.”
Kris went back to being silent.
***
Chanyeol cuts in with a thought, ending Kris’ for just a moment.
“Hah,” Chanyeol laughs, the sound breathy. “Hah, we’re gonna fucking die one day. Holy shit. We’re so fucking jaded.”
“You spend too much time with Sehun in the hospital,” Kris grins. “He’s the one killing you.”
“I’m letting him do it,” Chanyeol says. “I’m fucking jaded and whipped.”
All organisms are beings of love, filled with the capacity to feel something for one another. The Universe argues that love is the emotion that is constantly being felt, be it love for others or oneself.
Organisms, within themselves, may not even be alive, like the small moon and the big planet that get closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer.
Pet grooming is such a bleak job.
Or, at least, that’s what Lu Han thinks. All day, he’s surrounded with animals that can’t speak and can’t do anything for themselves. He blames it on the cages.
“They hold back the animals and I feel so bad,” Lu Han laments. He places the back of his palm over his forehead for dramatic effect.
“Ew,” Baekhyun says. “Don’t touch your face with your hand, you were just grooming the animals. You’re gonna break out.”
“Sure, my skin’s gonna break out,” Lu Han says. He looks into a cage, where there’s a little, fluffy dog, with a particularly comical sorrow in his eyes. “But our furry friends won’t.”
Baekhyun groans.
“Junmyeon isn’t going to be happy to know you’re whining about freeing the pets or something,” Baekhyun says. “I’m surprised he hasn’t fired you yet.”
“I’m not,” Lu Han says, suddenly defensive of his ability. “I’m great at grooming pets.”
“I didn’t say you weren’t,” Baekhyun says. “But I think he might keep you around for the pretty face.”
***
Baekhyun ends up with a bruise on his upper arm. He has half the mind to tell Junmyeon about Lu Han hitting him with a hair dryer (or a “fur dryer”, as Junmyeon calls it), but he thinks he might be a little deserving of the chastisement. He thinks he’s lucky that it’s been a slow day because that means there had been no one around to hear Lu Han lecturing him about how life isn’t just about being beautiful.
***
Lu Han can tell that Baekhyun had told their co-workers about the lecture Lu Han had given him for the umpteenth time, because poor little Zitao comes in with a face full of fear and Chanyeol comes in with a characteristic smile but an uncharacteristic nervousness.
“I’m not going to bite your heads off,” Lu Han says. “Plus, I’m leaving in an hour, anyway, so you just have to be good for a little while.”
There’s a look of relief on Zitao’s face, but Chanyeol follows up with, “Uh, what are you talking about?”
***
The next day, it’s just Lu Han and Minseok on the job, and Lu Han has no problems with that. Not that he has a problem with working with anyone, but Minseok just happens to have less of a tendency of talking out of his ass. Plus, Minseok thinks the decor of independently-owned store is a little weird, just as Lu Han does.
“Who designed this place, anyway,” Lu Han asks as he works at shaving fur off a dog’s body. “It’s so bright and there’s so much random stuff on the walls.”
“Kids like it, I think,” Minseok says. Minseok is currently petting a cat to make sure it won’t shed. “And if the kids like it, the parents like it, too.”
“What about all the single, old, rich ladies that come in?” Lu Han asks.
“Well,” Minseok says, chuckling. “They like the pricing.”
***
Lu Han doesn’t work for the next few days, but when he comes back in, he is informed that it’s Minseok’s last day. Some new guy named Yifan had joined the team as head groomer, and today is Lu Han’s first day under his employ. And, really, if Yifan weren’t such a pompous bastard, Lu Han wouldn’t have minded, but Yifan is, indeed, a pompous bastard, and Lu Han, through half of his shift, wants to beat him over the head with the ‘fur dryer’.
And it’s not like Yifan is outwardly very pompous at all, he just holds himself in a way that makes Lu Han feel belittled. Yifan scrutinizes Lu Han while he works, and Lu Han has half the mind to tell him to stop watching him and taking notes in that damned clipboard of his.
“What are you making notes for,” Lu Han asks as he watches Yifan jot down some notes.
“I’m just making notes on how you’re working,” Yifan says, hovering over Lu Han. “Standard manager stuff.”
It’s not fair, Lu Han thinks. Not fair at all.
***
The whole crew likes Yifan and that doesn’t help Lu Han’s purpose at all.
“We have to overthrow him,” he laments to Baekhyun during their lunch break. “This is like… authoritarianism, or some shit like that.”
“What?” Baekhyun asks. They’re sitting in a cafe located in the same plaza as Junmyeon’s pet store. “I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about, like, half the time.”
“I don’t like him,” Lu Han says blankly. Baekhyun brings his Diet Coke to his lips and chews on the straw. “He’s.. he’s so, ugh.”
“What?” Baekhyun asks again, around his straw. “He’s alright. He’s not a bad guy, he’s pretty nice, actually.”
Lu Han squints at Baekhyun.
“He’s hot, too,” Baekhyun mutters, looking away.
“Fuck,” Lu Han says, almost too loud. A few people turn their heads to look, but Lu Han quickly tries to cover up by pretending to go into a coughing fit.
Baekhyun watches with all the interest of someone who’s seen this a few too many times. He says, “Stop cursing in public. The kids will hear.”
“Whatever,” Lu Han says, once he’s done with his ‘coughing fit’. “They’re going to be cursing one day, too.”
Baekhyun shakes his head and Lu Han gives him a bright smile.
In the Universe, there are no real objects, nothing you can touch, nothing you can see. The only objects are unable to be felt, unless by the heart and mind. Hands are useless, and so are eyes. The invisible strings pull people closer. If not by gut and soul, how is one supposed to feel the object of their affection?
Kris brings Lu Han back to his owner’s house. The house is big, three stories high as opposed to the two story home Lu Han had once occupied. Today’s the day Kris is going to try to get his owner to take Lu Han in. They’d been talking about it for a long time, and, after getting blessings from the rest of the cats, Lu Han had told them he was leaving.
Lu Han looks up at the house, intimidated, thinking about how it would look once half demolished. It quells his anxiety. He thinks about how odd humans are.
Kris rounds the house and Lu Han follows. Kris brings Lu Han in through the slightly open back door and starts pawing at the ground to get the attention of his owner. His owner is a tall man, standing in the kitchen with a butter knife in his hand, slathering a slice of bread with jam. He seems like an okay enough person.
“His name is Yifan,” Kris says to Lu Han, beginning to walk closer to the human. Lu Han is a bit timid, but he steps close as well.
“Is that a friend you’ve got there, big guy?” Yifan asks Kris. Kris mews and Lu Han just stands there. Yifan is quiet for a few moments before he reaches down and puts his hand in front of Lu Han’s face. Lu Han doesn’t know what to do. Yifan squats down and pets Lu Han on the back. It feels okay.
“Are you a stray?” Yifan asks. Lu Han wants to tell the human that, duh, he’s a stray. Yifan moves Lu Han around, as if to check for identification. Yifan is quiet after that, just petting both cats, one per hand.
Yifan doesn’t say anything about taking Lu Han in directly, but Lu Han just supposes that it’s because the human thinks cats don’t answer back. Within the next few days, Lu Han is cleaned up and waking up at the foot of Yifan’s bed, with Kris at his side.
The saddest thing about this, the Universe thinks, is that the organisms are unaware of the complexity of their relationships. The organisms think that everything they’ve felt is brand new.
“He’s a grown man and he eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every damn day,” Lu Han says to Baekhyun over lunch.
“So?” Baekhyun says. “Peanut butter and jelly is good.”
Lu Han rolls his eyes, “You’re just saying that because he’s hot.”
Yifan has been the manager of the pet shop for over a month now, and, about a week ago, he’d asked Lu Han out, as if he hadn’t been able to notice Lu Han’s blatant distaste for him.
“You’re just being petulant because he asked you out and you kind of want to say yes,” Baekhyun says. He squints at Lu Han and Lu Han squints back.
Lu Han doesn’t want to admit that it might be kind of true, so he just shoves his face with salad.
***
Lu Han has to give it to Yifan. Yifan is pretty hot. Plus, Lu Han doesn’t think he’s ever seen a person with so much compassion for animals before.
Tonight, it’s just him and Lu Han on the job, and they’re both working on grooming cats.
“Don’t you have any pets?” Yifan asks. They’re being casual, as if Lu Han hadn’t avoided Yifan’s proposition of going on a date a week ago.
“No,” Lu Han says. “I think it’s a little immoral. Plus, I can’t even take care of myself.”
“Oh,” Yifan laughs. Yifan, last week, had told Lu Han that he liked the dry sense of humor Lu Han had.
“Do you?” Lu Han asks, brushing away any thoughts he has about Yifan. “Have any pets, that is.”
“Yeah,” Yifan says. He trims the fur on a cat’s tail. “I have a cat. Well, actually, I have two cats. My first cat brought home a stray the other night and I couldn’t let it go. It seemed like they were friends or something.”
“Do they get along?” Lu Han asks.
“Sometimes,” Yifan says. “But my first cat, Kris, seems to like the other cat more than the other cat likes him.”
“What’s the other cat’s name?” Lu Han asks. He pets the cat on the table before him. It’s a baby siamese.
“I don’t know,” Yifan admits. “I haven’t named him yet.”
Lu Han is quiet for a moment, but then he says, “You should name it after me. I mean, since you can’t have the real me.”
Lu Han makes sure he sounds playful. He looks up at Yifan, who’s smiling and saying, “Okay.”
Humans are particularly weird creatures, the Universe thinks. They are capable of so much love, yet they are also capable of hiding such affection.
Kris and Lu Han are curled up on the bed, their tails twining against the white sheets. They watch their owners, Yifan and Lu Han, argue over something. Lu Han, the human one, is pointing a hair dryer at Yifan, and Lu Han, the cat one, is nuzzling his face against Kris’ belly. Yifan stands in the doorway, eyes flicking between human Lu Han and the cats.
“You bigheaded bastard,” the human Lu Han says. The cat Lu Han purrs. Yifan never raises his voice at the human Lu Han, but the human Lu Han always gets riled and entirely caught up in the heat of argument.
The cat Lu Han swipes his tail around, over the hump of a pillow. His pure, white fur tickles the linen of the blankets. Both cats watch their owners argue, pretending as if it happens daily, which, it doesn’t, but it’s more often than the cats would prefer.
“It’s always been like this,” human Lu Han says. “You fucking belittle me and you don’t even know it. You think you’re so big, ever since you replaced Minseok at the pet store. I hated you, I absolutely loathed you.”
“But you don’t anymore,” Yifan asks, eyebrows raised, terse in his speech. “Right?”
“I might,” Lu Han says, crossing his arms over his chest. Lu Han is now fuming, and the cats can’t do anything but watch.
“Cats get it,” cat Lu Han purrs, curled around Kris. “They should just ask us how we argue. We can fix it for them.”
“I’m sure,” Kris says. “Humans are nonsensical.”
“Right,” Lu Han purrs again.
“Really?” Yifan asks Lu Han, the human one.
“I don’t know,” Lu Han says, the hairdryer heavy in his hand. “I wish I could tell you.”
Human Lu Han drops the hairdryer and Yifan watches it fall to the ground. On their wooden floors, the hairdryer cracks, and Yifan thinks he can fix it later. Lu Han glares at Yifan and exits the room. It’s dramatic, and the cats feel bad for Yifan, who’s frozen in his spot. Lu Han, the cat one, hops off the bed and trots up to Yifan, rubbing his body against the man’s body. Yifan looks down and smiles at the cat.
“It’s okay,” Yifan says to Lu Han the cat, and Lu Han the cat nods. “It’s always okay in the end.”
It’s always okay in the end, the universe tries to assure its inhabitants. Everything turns out okay, on deathbeds, in cars, in houses. In the end, there is no choice but to be fine.
Kris is curled up in bed. He’s alone, completely and utterly alone.
But, of course, he did this to himself. His friends keep killing themselves, and it’s probably best for him to ostracize himself from everyone else, just so he’s not affected. Chanyeol’s in the hospital with Sehun now, Minseok’s dead, Jongdae is grieving, Junmyeon is trying to counsel everyone through peppy emails, Jongin is dead, Kyungsoo is dead, Baekhyun is grieving. Lu Han is wherever, probably out with Yixing or Zitao, detaching themselves from the situation. College fucking sucks, everyone is dying. Just the week before, it seemed like they were partying, everything was beautiful, there was nothing but red cups and alcohol, but now, it’s red cups, alcohol, Xanax or Prozac.
Everyone’s dying and Kris is dying, too.
It’s cold, freezing in the dorm room. It’s dark, too. No windows open, no door open, no light on, nothing. This, Kris thinks, is better than facing the deaths of his friends, is better than grieving with the others, is better than detaching from himself from the situation. At this point, he’s completely immersed, but also completely removed, left only with his own thoughts.
Lu Han, at some point, comes into the dorm room. Kris hears him twisting the doorknob. The rustle of his clothing is soft and quiet, and his footsteps are the same way. Lu Han pads close to the bed, gentle, and then punches Kris right in the back. Kris doesn’t respond.
“All our friends are dead,” Lu Han grins, turning on a light and plopping down beside Kris on his bed. “There’s nothing we can do about it.”
“Don’t remind me,” Kris says, turning around in his bed, looking up at Lu Han. Lu Han looks cynical, if that’s even possible, his bright eyes turned down a notch to just barely shining.
“Sit up,” Lu Han says. Kris sits up, resting his back against the headboard of the bed. His legs stretch out on the mattress and Lu Han situates himself so he’s straddling Kris’ thighs. He looks Kris straight in the eye and smiles, head tilting to the side in the slightest. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Kris says. His voice is hoarse from lack of use, and he clears his throat, trying again, “Uh, hi.”
“Our friends are dead,” Lu Han repeats.
“Our friends are dead,” Kris parrots.
“We’re stuck with dead friends,” Lu Han says. “But we’re all going to die one day, right?”
“Right,” Kris nods.
It’s silent for a few moments, the sound of the air conditioning filtering through the room the only sound able to be heard.
“What if I’m next?” Lu Han asks, like it’s not some sort of big question he’s asking. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know,” Kris says. “This, again, probably?”
“That’s unhealthy,” Lu Han says. He bites his lower lip, as if he’s suppressing a smile. There must be something wrong with Lu Han, Kris thinks.
“So is whatever you’re doing,” Kris says.
“I’m well-adjusted,” Lu Han argues. He leans forward and puts his lips to Kris’ for a split second.
“And I’m not?” Kris asks, raising an eyebrow.
“No,” Lu Han says. “Of course not.”
“Right,” Kris says. “Of course not.”
In all moments, love is alive, hiding in the crevices of spaces between words, or lacing around speech, constricting it so things, people, cities, can move closer, closer, closer, closer, closer, closer.
Lu Han, one day, in the middle of a shift at the pet shop, pushes Yifan up against a wall and kisses him. Lu Han, then, agrees to a date.
***
Months later, after a shift at the pet shop, Lu Han tells all his friends that he’s moving in with Yifan. Yifan’s house is three stories tall and, when Lu Han looks up at it, he feels intimidated. Yifan reassures Lu Han by reaching over, holding his hand, and they walk into the house together. At the door, they are greeted by two cats, both white and fluffy. Yifan tells him that the slightly bigger one is Kris, and the smaller one is Lu Han.
The entanglement of strings is inevitable. The Universe goes with it, and assures itself that it is fine. Nothing bad can happen, when it comes to love, right?
“Our friends are dead,” Lu Han says, looking at Yifan, sitting in a stool located beside the hospital bed. “It’s our time now, isn’t it? It’s about time?”
Yifan looks up, over at Lu Han, who’s old, face crinkled with years and decades. Yifan is sure he looks like that, too, but he’s detached himself from the situation. Lying on a deathbed, the last thing he can think about is how old he’s getting, how many years have passed by. They are getting old. They are old.
“We were together for a long time,” Lu Han says, giving Yifan a small grin. “You lived a good life.”
“You don’t seem too upset that I’m dying,” Yifan says, a cough immediately following. Lu Han reaches down and places his hand on Yifan’s chest.
“I’m upset,” Lu Han says. “Of course I’m upset.”
Lu Han is still smiling and Yifan doesn’t have any choice but to smile, too. Lu Han, with his old, weathered voice, laughs. He says, “So, you’re a bigheaded bastard for 70-something years and you choose now to leave your confidence? You’re really something else, Yifan.”
Yifan is still smiling. Lu Han holds Yifan’s hand, his wrinkled fingers sliding across Yifan’s wrinkled skin. They are quiet for a few moments, but the silence fills the spaces between their words and encompasses them entirely. They found-- find-- love between different moments and they let it settle, fill their pores, smooth their wrinkles, lodge between gaps of time they had relinquished.
“I feel like we’ve done so much,” Lu Han says, holding Yifan’s hand in his loosely. “Like.. we’ve seen the universe come and go.”
“Cheesy,” Yifan says. Lu Han gets him to stop talking by squeezing his fingers around Yifan’s palm.
He seeks silence. He stops talking. It is silent, he can hear the beeping of heart monitors, and he can hear gentle dripping, and he can hear footsteps down the halls of the sterile silence of the hospital. Doctors talk, talk about how they can fix things, things are better once they’re fixed, a doctor says, and another doctor laughs in agreement.
It’s silence Lu Han hears when he drops Yifan’s hand. It’s silence Lu Han hears when Yifan’s hand rustles against the sheets on the hospital bed. It’s silence Lu Han hears as he whispers, “I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Though what matters can be destroyed, what can be destroyed can be fixed. To have been broken is to have been fixed, and to have been fixed is to have been made better. Better, that’s all the Universe wants to be, that’s all the Universe wants things to be. Not great, just better.
Yifan and Lu Han are curled up in bed. It’s the morning. Their cats are curled up at their feet and sunlight filters in, washing them with the warmth of silence and the sound of birds chirping. Yifan had fixed the hairdryer last night and it’s just as good as it had been when they first got it. The cats purr and Yifan stares at Lu Han, the human one, and Yifan holds Lu Han beneath the blankets.
“Cheesy,” Lu Han, the human one, says, staring at Yifan in return. He’s smiling.
“You’re beautiful,” Yifan says. “Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.”
“Okay,” Lu Han says. “Thanks, I guess.”
“I’m in love with you,” Yifan says, grinning.
“Thanks,” Lu Han says again, petulant as always.
“Do you care?” Yifan asks. His voice is low, scratchy with the aftereffects of waking up.
“No,” Lu Han responds. “Of course not.”
“Right,” Yifan says. “Of course not.”
Life is about exploring, the Universe says, but life is about finding love in the radio silence that encompasses the entirety of civilization. So, the Universe thinks, wouldn’t life and exploration stem from the finding of love?
“Life is about exploring,” Lu Han says, walking on the ledge of the fountain in the nearby park. There are lights installed where the water shoots up from the fountain, and they illuminate both the water and Lu Han's face. "It's about finding new things. Making friends."
"Okay," Kris says.
"So," Lu Han hops off the ledge. "That's why I don't really care that you think I'm gorgeous."
"But, do you care that I love you? I said that, too," Kris says.
"Sure," Lu Han says, walking closer to Kris. He tiptoes up and kisses Kris on the cheek. "But, it doesn't really matter to me."
"Oh," Kris says. "Do you love me, too?"
"Yeah," Lu Han says. "Why do you ask?"
They are silent for a few moments.
"It doesn't matter," Kris says, smiling.
"No," Lu Han says. "Of course not."
"Right," Kris says. "Of course not."
Later that night, Lu Han tells Kris that he loves this city. There’s so many people to meet, so many bridges to jump off. Opportunities are all they are, Lu Han assures Kris. Opportunities he may or may not take. Experiences he may or may not indulge himself in.
In its most inopportune moments, the Universe wants to end, but, if the Universe were to end, all the strings would snap, wouldn’t they? The inter-universal connections of those inhabiting it would end, disappear, vanish. But the Universe is less selfish than that, so it takes its time. It makes every move matter, it makes every word matter, it makes every touch, hug, embrace, kiss matter.
“We’ve been through the entire universe and back,” Kris says. His fluffy, white tail swooshes against the edge of the couch. He’s a profound cat, that’s for sure, and Lu Han cuddles up to him. Lu Han, with his fluffy, white body of fur and tickly tail. “We’ve seen the entire universe come and go.”
“Maybe,” Lu Han says. “You know what the humans say, cats have nine lives, or something.”
“Humans are weird,” Kris asserts. Lu Han purrs.
“They might be onto something,” Lu Han says.
For every billion strings, perhaps only one can grow in elasticity, but the Universe is less aware of that than it should be. The strings pass planets and stars and intersect in black holes. They stretch over things unknown to even the Universe, and like a tightrope to a high-wire performer, they’re stable, yet unsafe. It’s unsafe to fall in love over and over again. It’s unsafe to cheat the system.
There’s a universe in which they are completely unaware of the connection they share. They had been passing one another in a big, big city, hands swaying at their sides as their fingers brushed. Yifan-- Kris-- whatever he is in this universe-- had looked at Lu Han, had done a double take. Lu Han hadn’t. But the both of them had felt something, which could have been, was probably, the most intimate display of affection to the Universe.
To avoid an opportunity is to cheat the system. To cheat the system is to destroy some part of the Universe. To destroy some part of the Universe is to call for it to be fixed-- to call for it to be better, to call for it to just, somehow, exist, or to just, somehow, never have existed at all.
Sometimes, in some universe, Lu Han feels empty, as if he’s missing someone or something, as if he hasn’t explored enough.
Kris-- Yifan-- whoever he is-- sometimes feel like he’s missed opportunities.
Lu Han just hasn’t been presented with certain opportunities. It’s like the Universe is out to get him.
The only apocalypse the Universe is afraid of is the one where it ceases to exist entirely. The one where all other universes cease to. To have all those strings that have been nurtured break, to tangle within itself and cave in.
“Everyone dies,” Lu Han says to Kris.
“I know,” Kris says. “But, right now, I feel invincible.”
“It’s because you love me,” Lu Han says.
“And you don’t love me?” Kris asks.
“Yeah, maybe,” Lu Han says. “But I feel like something bad is going to happen.”
“You’re going to be the death of me,” Kris says, grinning, as if he’s said something funny, but all he’s said is the truth.
“Back at you,” Lu Han says, smiling, as if he’s said something funny, too, but all he’s said is the truth.
Yifan almost hits a car with his on the road when the other car swerves to avoid a white thing of a cat. He swerves just in time, and makes it away with nothing but a nick on his car.
The sun is beginning to set and Lu Han is driving. He’s speeding on the highway because he has to get to his job in the next town. His scheduling had been poor planning on his part, but there’s no time to think about that as he goes 90 in a 70 zone. No one else is on the highway, which is odd for a Friday evening, but again, there’s no time to think about that, because he only has so much time to spare before he can run into the pet shop with less than 30 seconds on his side.
***
His cat is in the passenger’s seat as he drives behind someone speeding. Yifan keeps his speed down to stay far away from the car in front of him to avoid any accidents. To him, caution is key, and he’s allocated his time to be on time to the pet shop without running over the speed limit. On the radio, there’s piano music-- something classical he can’t quite put his finger on, but it’s calming as he goes a brisk 70, skimming right along the edge of the speed limit.
***
Lu Han isn’t thinking when he turns the wheel to avoid hitting the cat that all of a sudden jumps out of a window of a car. The last thing he had expected was an animal appearing before him, but it’s all instinct and muscle spasms when he makes a sharp left.
***
Yifan almost skids to a stop when his cat, jumps out of the open window on the passenger’s side. He’s thankful there’s no one behind him on the freeway, but not that excited to see the car in front of him swerve, turning at almost a 90-degree angle before him.
***
The side of Lu Han’s car is impacted by the front of the car that had been behind him. The cat is unharmed, at the very least, but there’s pain and adrenaline coursing through Lu Han’s body. He closes his eyes.
***
Yifan panics after he hits the car in front of him. A thousand thoughts hit him before his airbag inflates, but he stops breathing almost immediately, body shutting down at the surge of adrenaline that shocks his system.
The sunset marks the passing of another day. The snapping of a string is natural, but the gentle unraveling of one is not.
Lu Han, somehow, gets out of the crash with broken ribs, but nothing else. The person in the car behind him had, for some reason, been unable to get out of the crash, and, for different reasons, Lu Han feels indebted to whoever it is. Lu Han feels at fault.
The Universe confuses itself and a string tangles as it tries to snap. The Universe, now, is on autopilot. It’ll take what it can get, as long as unbroken strings keep going, keep existing, or fall out of existence entirely.
Repeatedly, in different timelines, they keep dying at the hands of one another.
Lu Han keeps killing Kris, Yifan, whoever it is, and Lu Han keeps dying with the last thoughts of, ‘the universe is out to get me’.
Ultimately, the Universe gets to decide what it would like to do. Would it be okay for it to, the Universe wonders, self-destruct at the hands of a single string? This is what the Universe has come to, it thinks, this is the one string, the only string, that has existed since the conception of the Universe. Its elasticity has challenged the Universe. The Universe musters up its energy and thinks that it’s okay. Everything turns out okay all the time, on deathbeds, in cars, in houses. In the end, there is no choice but to be fine, even at the end of the Universe.
With its energy, the Universe lets the string continue for just a little longer.
“You’re going to be the death of me,” Yifan says. They’re young, invincible. The only hearts they have broken are each other's, over and over again. But that’s beautiful, meaningful.
“Vice versa,” Lu Han says.
They are quiet for a few moments. They sit on a park bench and watch the sunset for a while, and the silence is loud, drumming in their ears.
“It’s because you love me,” Lu Han says finally.
“And you love me, right?” Kris asks.
"Yeah," Lu Han says, smiling, as if he’s said something funny, but all he’s said is the truth. "Of course."
"Right," Yifan says, grinning, as if he’s said something funny, too, but all he’s said is the truth. "Of course."