I'm a jerk

[kris_roe]

I am one of the most selfish people I know. Selfish and jealous. The second I think someone is moving in on my territory I throw my sheilds up and try to keep the person away. I really need to stop. It's not going to get me anywhere but sitting alone crying because I pushed everyone away. Going off of what Claire said about feeling left behind when better things come along, I'm feeling that way with nearly all my friends. Kid with Katie, Aaron with Aly. There are others, and one is my own fault for being an idiot. I'm lucky Denice didn't leave me when I had a lapse of intelligence and sanity. I love that she's always there. Everywhere I turn, she's there waiting for me. Waiting to comfort me. Waiting to console me. Waiting to share in my joys and triupmhs. I really am lucky and most times I fail to notice that. I'm lucky to have people that care. I'm lucky they stick around when I'm being my normal asshole self to them. I don't see the point. I would've been gone long ago if I were treated the way I treat them. I sit here wondering why someone doesn't just slap me in the face repeatedly. I mean, my friend starts crying and all I do is talk down to him. I tell him what to do, how to live his life. He's not 5, he's a grown man. Everytime I feel threatened, I put up my walls. Each time I put up one more than before, making it harder and harder for people to get in. I just want to quit feeling threatened and quit being a jerk. I get threatened for no reason. No reason at all. But my heart can't see that.

Claire-coffee and a vent session? Call me.