(no subject)
i dont like death. I make it seem like i deal with it well, but i dont. Inside i really cant take it. i dont like it, and becuase i dont understand it, it just makes it THAT much harder for me to believe its really happening.
My aunt mary just died 2 days ago. we knew she was going but..... i dont just dont know how to explain it.
shes my great aunt actually (my moms aunt) but i never bothered getting technical about the relation. If i dont think about it then its like it didnt happen..... but i hate when it just crosses my mind for that one second, that i can never see her again. and then at that time, almost simultaneously i get a rush of questions in my mind. like why? it drives me crazy and i try NOT to think about it.... what do people do to be ok with death? often people talk about what a good person they were. talk about the good times they had with them. thats what my family used to do when curly died.... but to be honest, i've ALWAYS hated doing that. it only made me more upset that people would say things like that, as if it were ok...... cause its NOT ok, their DEAD and it sucks and i dont know what to do about it!
then i realize theres nothing i CAN do about it. but this doesnt follow my usual.... "anylize until it makes sense and you can understand it" rule, cuz that doesnt make me feel better. it just makes me more and more lost in my mind.
who remembers when tiff upset me at stacy's b-day party? that was the last time i've cryed until now.
I hugged her. before we left the hospital, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. she was SO alright with dying, i just didnt understand how. she wanted everyone to have a beer with her..... there wasnt enough time. the cancer spead WAY too fast, but i think we're still going to drink to her like she wanted at the funeral. Im not looking forward to how much im going to cry at the funeral. and other people crying is only going to make me cry more. *inhales* ......................*exhales*
************
[Name?] Krystal
[Date of birth?:] March 10th, 1989
[Height?:] probably 5'7
[Eye color?:] more blue than green but both
[Location?:] spare room
[Where were you born?:] in a 66 chev stationwagon
[Have you ever failed a grade?:] no
[Do you have a crush on someone?:] no
[Do you have a bf/gf?:] no
[If so, what is their name:] n/a
[What are you wearing right now?] hot new purple shirt.... pants. bandana
[Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?] no
[Do you smoke?:] in moderation/socially
[Do you drink?:] in moderation/socially
[What are your favorite colors?:] every color is good. i really love purple right now.
[What is your favorite animal(s)?:] i dont know.
[Do you have any birthmarks?:] i have one that kinda looks like a heart on my chest/stomache. and lots of beautymarks... the dots
[What are you listening to?:] how we do it over here - missy elliot and busta rymes
[Who are your best amigas?:] tiff, stacey and ellery
[Who are your best amigos?:] i supose pedro would be one of them, haha.
[Who do you talk to most on the phone?:] i dont talk on the phone alot.... so i dont know.
[Have you ever been slapped?:] oh ya.
[Do you get online a lot?:] not really.
[Are you shy or outgoing?:] both... whenever its appropriate
[Do you shower?:] Yes
[Do you hate school?:] not as much as some people, but ya
[How easily do you trust people?:] it depends.... usually pretty well, but alot of the time no. hmmm.
[Have you ever lied to one of your best friends?:] ya. long ago. im pretty straight going with people these days.
[Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?] i probably have many.
[Would you ever sky dive?:] ya
[Do you like to dance?:] as of lately. YA! haha.
[Have you ever been out the province?:] yup
[Do you like to travel?:] i LOVE to travel
[Have you ever been expelled from school?:] no
[Have you ever been suspended from school?:] no, but i was threatened to be
[Do you want to get out of your hometown?:] definately
[Do you like Snapple?:] yes, the peach ice tea.
[Do you drink a lot of water?:] not as much as i should
[What toothpaste do you use?:] crest whitening
[Do you have a cell phone or pager?:] cell, ya.
[Do you have a curfew:] not a permanent one... but i guess it varies. not really no.
[What kind of jewelry do you wear?:] "candy" as in like rave jewellery.... haha. depends what the occation is. usually i just wear random series of ribbons on my neck and arms.
[What do you have pierced?:] ears (13X), eyebrow, lip (2X), and bellybutton. (wow that made me sound like such a freak, i thought i looked better than that.)
[What do you want pierced?:] my tongue.
[Do you like taking pictures?:] very much so.
[Do you like getting your picture taken?] ya.
[Do you have a tan?:] i supose ya.
[Do you get annoyed easily?:] not really. im fairly tolerant of everything
[Do you have your own pool?] blow up pool, yay
[Do you have any siblings?;] ya, 2 brothers
[Do you get along with your parents?:] my mom.... very well.... my dad. not so well but ya
[How do you vent your anger?:] i dont know. i just deal with it within myself. but i think music helps
[Have you ever run away?:] No
[Have you ever been fired from a job?:] no.
[Do you even have a job?:] yes. over a year... no firing.
[Do you daydream a lot?:] i think i have more and more lately
[What do you want a tattoo of?] jack (skelington), or mickey mouse. maybe in far future tinker bell.
[what do you have a tattoo of?] dont have
[Are you rude?:] i see myself as a very respectful person when it matters, but i can see myself being rude alot of the time.
[What is your lucky number?:] 18
[What does your hair look like right now?:] red. random lengths
[How many rings until you answer the phone?:] 2
[Do you look more like your mother or father?:] mother ALOT
[Do you cry a lot?:] no
[Do you ever cry to get your way?:] i think i used to when i was a kid. i dont remember.
[What phrase do you use most when on the phone?:] "uhhhhh"
[Have you ever been chased by cops?:] haha playing with evan but no, not real cops.
[When was the last time you threw up?:] i dont remember...... maybe the staff party.
[What do the shoes you last wore look like?:] red boots.
[What theme does your room have?:] american patriot who loves children's things.
[What size shoe do you wear?:] i dont know
[What jewelry are you wearing now?:] black gloves... and a ribbon on my neck.
[What is your screen name on MSN?] " BOO! im a ghost"
[How are you feeling right now?:] i was a little upset but i stopped thinking for a while, and now i feel better.
[What do you sleep in?:] a comfy bed... but lately the couch.
[Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?:] without me knowing i think some people at school were calling me a dyke. meh
[What is one of your bad qualities?:] i couldnt tell you.
[What is one of your good qualities?:] i like that i can be impartial about alot of things. it puts me in a comfortable place.
[Would you marry for money?:] no....
DO:
you have a crush on someone- no
you wish you could live somewhere else - yes
others find you attractive = so i've been told. ya
you want more piercings = not many more, i have alot already.
you like cleaning = i like things tidy.... anything but my room.
you like roller coasters = very much so
you write in cursive or print = print usually. i used to be good at cursive, but time went on
FOR OR AGAINST...
Using someone = depends
killing people = depends
teenage smoking = if they want to, whatever.
driving drunk = against, but it doesnt stop people
soap operas = they're ok
HAVE YOU...
ever cried over a boy/girl = not in that way no.
ever lied to someone = yes
ever been in a fist fight= yes
ever been arrested = no
WHAT...
Are you scared of = life/death
NUMBER...
of times I have had my heart broken? zero
of hearts I have broken? i think zero
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = i dont think it has at all
of scars on my body? = oh wow, too many
of things in my past that I regret? = nothing
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
funny= i guess
hot = oh ya
friendly = i think so
amusing = i amuse myself
loveable = not really
caring = no
sweet = no
dorky = yes very.
PERSON WHO LAST...
slept in your bed = me
made you cry = my aunt. not her fault though
yelled at you = umm my mom?
sent you an email = i dont know
HAVE YOU EVER...
gone out in public in your pajamas = Yes.
kept a secret from everyone = sure
planned your week based on the TV Guide = haha yes
been on stage = ya
been to New York = no
been to California = no
been to Hawaii = no
been to Japan = no
been to Canada = yes
been to Europe = no
been to Australia= no
been to Asia = no
what time is it now = wow exactly 5:00
apples or bananas = bananas
blue or red = both?
walmart or target = target
spring or fall = fall
what are you gonna do after you finish this = homework
what was the last meal you ate = a sandwich
are you bored = nah im enjoying the free time for a change
last noise you heard = someone signing on msn
last smell you sniffed = umm not sure.
FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE...
do you believe in love at first sight = no
do you want children one day & if so, how many = ya i would. 2, boy & girl, haha who doesnt want that?
most important thing to you in a friendship is = just....utterly accepting of the other person.
OTHER INFO...
do you speak any other languages = fair amount of spanish i guess.
nickname(s) = umm i dont know, lately its "pirate" which is ok.
how old do you look = the shorter my hair the older i look, so i suspect i will start looking younger, haha
how old do you act = maybe a LITTLE more than my age.
glasses/contacts = no
braces = no but i want them
do you have any pets = yes. dog and lizard (gecko, whatever)
you get embarrassed = not usually
what makes you happy = my family and friends most of the time.
what upsets you = my family and friends sometimes.
FINISH THE SENTENCE...
i love to... know things
i want to be ..... smart, haha
My aunt mary just died 2 days ago. we knew she was going but..... i dont just dont know how to explain it.
shes my great aunt actually (my moms aunt) but i never bothered getting technical about the relation. If i dont think about it then its like it didnt happen..... but i hate when it just crosses my mind for that one second, that i can never see her again. and then at that time, almost simultaneously i get a rush of questions in my mind. like why? it drives me crazy and i try NOT to think about it.... what do people do to be ok with death? often people talk about what a good person they were. talk about the good times they had with them. thats what my family used to do when curly died.... but to be honest, i've ALWAYS hated doing that. it only made me more upset that people would say things like that, as if it were ok...... cause its NOT ok, their DEAD and it sucks and i dont know what to do about it!
then i realize theres nothing i CAN do about it. but this doesnt follow my usual.... "anylize until it makes sense and you can understand it" rule, cuz that doesnt make me feel better. it just makes me more and more lost in my mind.
who remembers when tiff upset me at stacy's b-day party? that was the last time i've cryed until now.
I hugged her. before we left the hospital, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. she was SO alright with dying, i just didnt understand how. she wanted everyone to have a beer with her..... there wasnt enough time. the cancer spead WAY too fast, but i think we're still going to drink to her like she wanted at the funeral. Im not looking forward to how much im going to cry at the funeral. and other people crying is only going to make me cry more. *inhales* ......................*exhales*
************
[Name?] Krystal
[Date of birth?:] March 10th, 1989
[Height?:] probably 5'7
[Eye color?:] more blue than green but both
[Location?:] spare room
[Where were you born?:] in a 66 chev stationwagon
[Have you ever failed a grade?:] no
[Do you have a crush on someone?:] no
[Do you have a bf/gf?:] no
[If so, what is their name:] n/a
[What are you wearing right now?] hot new purple shirt.... pants. bandana
[Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?] no
[Do you smoke?:] in moderation/socially
[Do you drink?:] in moderation/socially
[What are your favorite colors?:] every color is good. i really love purple right now.
[What is your favorite animal(s)?:] i dont know.
[Do you have any birthmarks?:] i have one that kinda looks like a heart on my chest/stomache. and lots of beautymarks... the dots
[What are you listening to?:] how we do it over here - missy elliot and busta rymes
[Who are your best amigas?:] tiff, stacey and ellery
[Who are your best amigos?:] i supose pedro would be one of them, haha.
[Who do you talk to most on the phone?:] i dont talk on the phone alot.... so i dont know.
[Have you ever been slapped?:] oh ya.
[Do you get online a lot?:] not really.
[Are you shy or outgoing?:] both... whenever its appropriate
[Do you shower?:] Yes
[Do you hate school?:] not as much as some people, but ya
[How easily do you trust people?:] it depends.... usually pretty well, but alot of the time no. hmmm.
[Have you ever lied to one of your best friends?:] ya. long ago. im pretty straight going with people these days.
[Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing?] i probably have many.
[Would you ever sky dive?:] ya
[Do you like to dance?:] as of lately. YA! haha.
[Have you ever been out the province?:] yup
[Do you like to travel?:] i LOVE to travel
[Have you ever been expelled from school?:] no
[Have you ever been suspended from school?:] no, but i was threatened to be
[Do you want to get out of your hometown?:] definately
[Do you like Snapple?:] yes, the peach ice tea.
[Do you drink a lot of water?:] not as much as i should
[What toothpaste do you use?:] crest whitening
[Do you have a cell phone or pager?:] cell, ya.
[Do you have a curfew:] not a permanent one... but i guess it varies. not really no.
[What kind of jewelry do you wear?:] "candy" as in like rave jewellery.... haha. depends what the occation is. usually i just wear random series of ribbons on my neck and arms.
[What do you have pierced?:] ears (13X), eyebrow, lip (2X), and bellybutton. (wow that made me sound like such a freak, i thought i looked better than that.)
[What do you want pierced?:] my tongue.
[Do you like taking pictures?:] very much so.
[Do you like getting your picture taken?] ya.
[Do you have a tan?:] i supose ya.
[Do you get annoyed easily?:] not really. im fairly tolerant of everything
[Do you have your own pool?] blow up pool, yay
[Do you have any siblings?;] ya, 2 brothers
[Do you get along with your parents?:] my mom.... very well.... my dad. not so well but ya
[How do you vent your anger?:] i dont know. i just deal with it within myself. but i think music helps
[Have you ever run away?:] No
[Have you ever been fired from a job?:] no.
[Do you even have a job?:] yes. over a year... no firing.
[Do you daydream a lot?:] i think i have more and more lately
[What do you want a tattoo of?] jack (skelington), or mickey mouse. maybe in far future tinker bell.
[what do you have a tattoo of?] dont have
[Are you rude?:] i see myself as a very respectful person when it matters, but i can see myself being rude alot of the time.
[What is your lucky number?:] 18
[What does your hair look like right now?:] red. random lengths
[How many rings until you answer the phone?:] 2
[Do you look more like your mother or father?:] mother ALOT
[Do you cry a lot?:] no
[Do you ever cry to get your way?:] i think i used to when i was a kid. i dont remember.
[What phrase do you use most when on the phone?:] "uhhhhh"
[Have you ever been chased by cops?:] haha playing with evan but no, not real cops.
[When was the last time you threw up?:] i dont remember...... maybe the staff party.
[What do the shoes you last wore look like?:] red boots.
[What theme does your room have?:] american patriot who loves children's things.
[What size shoe do you wear?:] i dont know
[What jewelry are you wearing now?:] black gloves... and a ribbon on my neck.
[What is your screen name on MSN?] " BOO! im a ghost"
[How are you feeling right now?:] i was a little upset but i stopped thinking for a while, and now i feel better.
[What do you sleep in?:] a comfy bed... but lately the couch.
[Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?:] without me knowing i think some people at school were calling me a dyke. meh
[What is one of your bad qualities?:] i couldnt tell you.
[What is one of your good qualities?:] i like that i can be impartial about alot of things. it puts me in a comfortable place.
[Would you marry for money?:] no....
DO:
you have a crush on someone- no
you wish you could live somewhere else - yes
others find you attractive = so i've been told. ya
you want more piercings = not many more, i have alot already.
you like cleaning = i like things tidy.... anything but my room.
you like roller coasters = very much so
you write in cursive or print = print usually. i used to be good at cursive, but time went on
FOR OR AGAINST...
Using someone = depends
killing people = depends
teenage smoking = if they want to, whatever.
driving drunk = against, but it doesnt stop people
soap operas = they're ok
HAVE YOU...
ever cried over a boy/girl = not in that way no.
ever lied to someone = yes
ever been in a fist fight= yes
ever been arrested = no
WHAT...
Are you scared of = life/death
NUMBER...
of times I have had my heart broken? zero
of hearts I have broken? i think zero
of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? = i dont think it has at all
of scars on my body? = oh wow, too many
of things in my past that I regret? = nothing
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
funny= i guess
hot = oh ya
friendly = i think so
amusing = i amuse myself
loveable = not really
caring = no
sweet = no
dorky = yes very.
PERSON WHO LAST...
slept in your bed = me
made you cry = my aunt. not her fault though
yelled at you = umm my mom?
sent you an email = i dont know
HAVE YOU EVER...
gone out in public in your pajamas = Yes.
kept a secret from everyone = sure
planned your week based on the TV Guide = haha yes
been on stage = ya
been to New York = no
been to California = no
been to Hawaii = no
been to Japan = no
been to Canada = yes
been to Europe = no
been to Australia= no
been to Asia = no
what time is it now = wow exactly 5:00
apples or bananas = bananas
blue or red = both?
walmart or target = target
spring or fall = fall
what are you gonna do after you finish this = homework
what was the last meal you ate = a sandwich
are you bored = nah im enjoying the free time for a change
last noise you heard = someone signing on msn
last smell you sniffed = umm not sure.
FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE...
do you believe in love at first sight = no
do you want children one day & if so, how many = ya i would. 2, boy & girl, haha who doesnt want that?
most important thing to you in a friendship is = just....utterly accepting of the other person.
OTHER INFO...
do you speak any other languages = fair amount of spanish i guess.
nickname(s) = umm i dont know, lately its "pirate" which is ok.
how old do you look = the shorter my hair the older i look, so i suspect i will start looking younger, haha
how old do you act = maybe a LITTLE more than my age.
glasses/contacts = no
braces = no but i want them
do you have any pets = yes. dog and lizard (gecko, whatever)
you get embarrassed = not usually
what makes you happy = my family and friends most of the time.
what upsets you = my family and friends sometimes.
FINISH THE SENTENCE...
i love to... know things
i want to be ..... smart, haha