alright, it's alright..
funny how stupid little things can still piss me off.
i wish things were different. i wish i was different.
i'm still me.
isn't this what i was afraid of last year?
over the weekend, i went up to boston to visit a friend. she mentioned john, said offhandedly that i shouldn't have broken up with him..because she always had fun joking around with him.
a friend who has been one of my best since we were 13. and i know she believes that one of my biggest mistakes was breaking up with him. yet, i know that it was one of the best things i ever did for myself.
i could be engaged right now. or married. to a man who never wanted to really know me. but always stuck around.
when we broke up, he said "you will never find someone who will put up with your shit like i do. no one else would stand for your insanity." he said it like a threat, that he was my only chance of having someone who would loved me.
that still rings in my head, but instead of scaring me, it pushes me. it pushes me to know that people will not put up my crazy, and i shouldn't either. it keeps me from settling into this. it keeps me from not questioning it. it keeps me from staying with what i have because it seems to work.
it keeps me from settling.
but, how come he was right? how come no one will not even stand for half of what he did? how come it's easier for everyone else to run away?
it's the same as a spoiled child. their parents gave them everything, they expect everyone else to do the same, and when the world doesn't, it's truly upsetting.
he let me scream and insult and cry and be fucking miserable and rage. and now when no one else will stand by and let me, i don't know how to react. instead of taking a step back, and seeing that "wow, i am being crazy. this is not the way to handle this." i go further. i get worse. i think that if i'm really insane, and really ridiculous, then they will listen, they will stay, they will comfort me..when that's all i really want. yet my actions continually push them away.
will i ever take these realizations and actually put them into practice?
or will i forever hide them inside and keep crying about those who are gone?
i just keep pushing away.
makes my innards curl..
i wish things were different. i wish i was different.
i'm still me.
isn't this what i was afraid of last year?
over the weekend, i went up to boston to visit a friend. she mentioned john, said offhandedly that i shouldn't have broken up with him..because she always had fun joking around with him.
a friend who has been one of my best since we were 13. and i know she believes that one of my biggest mistakes was breaking up with him. yet, i know that it was one of the best things i ever did for myself.
i could be engaged right now. or married. to a man who never wanted to really know me. but always stuck around.
when we broke up, he said "you will never find someone who will put up with your shit like i do. no one else would stand for your insanity." he said it like a threat, that he was my only chance of having someone who would loved me.
that still rings in my head, but instead of scaring me, it pushes me. it pushes me to know that people will not put up my crazy, and i shouldn't either. it keeps me from settling into this. it keeps me from not questioning it. it keeps me from staying with what i have because it seems to work.
it keeps me from settling.
but, how come he was right? how come no one will not even stand for half of what he did? how come it's easier for everyone else to run away?
it's the same as a spoiled child. their parents gave them everything, they expect everyone else to do the same, and when the world doesn't, it's truly upsetting.
he let me scream and insult and cry and be fucking miserable and rage. and now when no one else will stand by and let me, i don't know how to react. instead of taking a step back, and seeing that "wow, i am being crazy. this is not the way to handle this." i go further. i get worse. i think that if i'm really insane, and really ridiculous, then they will listen, they will stay, they will comfort me..when that's all i really want. yet my actions continually push them away.
will i ever take these realizations and actually put them into practice?
or will i forever hide them inside and keep crying about those who are gone?
i just keep pushing away.
makes my innards curl..