Regression To The Mean
Nothing quite like sorting through a job-lot of media artifacts to drive home the truth of Sturgeon's Law. Who here remembers, just for example, Extreme Ops? The Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius movie? Something's Gotta Give? I was happier not knowing that most of these movies existed. I was also happier not thinking about Dreamworks. As bad as Disney gets, at least they had the good sense to grab hold of Pixar and ride those movies. Dreamworks, on the other hand, seems like they consistently aim for the intersection of Tom Green fans and people who like the Disney house style. Fucking Dreamworks. Sinbad. Shark Tale. Fucking Shrek. Over the Hedge. Bee Movie.
For behold, here is that movie
Among these ranks and banks of duds,
These ponderous and seemingly irreducible cairns
Of complete stiffs.
By the way, did you know they're making a fourth Shrek movie, and there's a fifth penciled in for 2013? I hope that the knowledge doesn't make you claw at your scalp, but I can't be sure of that.
Dreamworks are far from the only criminals here. There's also Blue Sky, the creators of Ice Age (a fact I'm not likely to forget after seeing it in seven-inch-high letters several times) and of Robots. Let's consider Robots for a minute. We can't do that without comparing it to other, better movies about robots, so we'll start with Batteries Not Included. Remember the troubled birth in that? Momma robot shuddering, blinking, beeping, and finally delivering a thudding, inert blob of a robot baby? Robots is that baby, except instead of waking up and becoming a heartwarming runt, it's a combination of Julianna Wetmore and Rosemary's Baby. This movie makes I, Robot look like a grave and considered meditation on the subject of transhumanism.
The paraphernalia I'm dealing with also comes complete with a wide array of poorly-chosen fonts, baffling graphic design and bad Photoshop work.
No prizes for guessing what I'm doing with all this.
For behold, here is that movie
Among these ranks and banks of duds,
These ponderous and seemingly irreducible cairns
Of complete stiffs.
By the way, did you know they're making a fourth Shrek movie, and there's a fifth penciled in for 2013? I hope that the knowledge doesn't make you claw at your scalp, but I can't be sure of that.
Dreamworks are far from the only criminals here. There's also Blue Sky, the creators of Ice Age (a fact I'm not likely to forget after seeing it in seven-inch-high letters several times) and of Robots. Let's consider Robots for a minute. We can't do that without comparing it to other, better movies about robots, so we'll start with Batteries Not Included. Remember the troubled birth in that? Momma robot shuddering, blinking, beeping, and finally delivering a thudding, inert blob of a robot baby? Robots is that baby, except instead of waking up and becoming a heartwarming runt, it's a combination of Julianna Wetmore and Rosemary's Baby. This movie makes I, Robot look like a grave and considered meditation on the subject of transhumanism.
The paraphernalia I'm dealing with also comes complete with a wide array of poorly-chosen fonts, baffling graphic design and bad Photoshop work.
No prizes for guessing what I'm doing with all this.