(no subject)
Today was actually kinda alright. School was school. I wrote a poem in study hall...and well Brandon thought it'd be cool to take it and read it. Yea that wasn't cool for me. He's like "Its just a f****n poem!!" Its not just a poem to me...its how I feel and i didn't really want the world to know how I feel. I got pretty mad. I usually don't even get too mad about anything...but well yea I got mad. Then we had a concert tonight for band. It went pretty good. Toddly was there with Eli. Hopefully me and Bethany get to go to "Charleston" tomorrow. That'll be good times...but here read this song I love it.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I’ve kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made
It's so much easier to go
If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame, to the grave
Yea its a pretty good song. Says how I feel. Umm and I guess to end the whole thing...here's the poem I wrote today....tell me what you think...be honest. Its long but hey, i had to write it all out.
As I sit here torn apart
You stare inside at my ripped heart
You smile as a tear rolls down
And pick me up, off of the ground
Again I slap you in the face
I don't need you, give me space
Give me space so I can breathe
The only thing I need, is me
I turn around and walk away
I can't be here, I can't stay
If I'd turned to look at you
I'd see that you were crying too
I can't love you with all my heart
I'm so scared, I'm torn apart
Every single time I try
I fail again and watch you cry
I'm so tired of hurting you
When you hurt then I hurt too
I pierce you with the things I say
So why, Dear God, do you want me to stay?
I look up, to see your face
And quickly then I turn away
Crimson tears trickle down
And lie in a puddle on the ground
"With this , I paid for you
So why can't you just love me too
I paid for you with these three nails
So that your forgiven, when you fail"
"So let it go, whats so hard
Why stop now, you've come so far
Accept the fact that I love you
Forgive yourself and love you too"
I pick up all the pieces of my shattered, broken heart
And tape them back together so that it won't fall apart
I slowly take a breath and wipe the tears off of my face
Wondering why its still so hard, and why I ever turned away
Life's not perfect, but its ok
I still getting up each day
I'm still lost and don't know the way
But God still loves me anyway
I still and I still cut
But slowly learning is enough
Taking it slowly I'm still here
But I'm still scared and I still fear
But God, I've got a question
I need to talk to you
Can I see me through your eyes Lord
So I can love me too?
Thats about it. Just some feelings. I gotta go. Later