(no subject)
Reflecting back on the past few months, I've begun to wonder if it's all worth it. The constant backstabbing I get - rumours, verbal and physical abbuse, bitchyness. After over five years of suffering this, I'm at that breaking point where I'm afraid I could really hurt myself any moment; a bomb ready to explode at the push of a button.
Normally I wouldn't bother even writing this down, but I figured I might as well for two reasons:
- To give you guys an update about my life, hence why I haven't written anything since I got back from the United Stated.
- Year 11 is taking up all my time, and I need a break from it.
This past week has been the worse, I recently got drunk for the first time mostly to drown my sorrows in a deep hole where I could forget about it. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it turned out; apparently I was very depressing even though I know I wasn't whilst drunk. People don't seem to understand me at all, as I'm a very negitive person, but that doesn't make me depressing... well, that's my opinion anyway.
On my love-life side of things, well, it's non-exsistant, and I've decided that it's not worth it at all even trying anymore - who the fuck needs crushes or a relationship anyway?
So, back on topic, I almost -I repeat, 'almost'- tried to cut myself today during class, as I had almost cracked it, but in the end my better side of me stopped me, much to my dismay. That, and I really didn't want to get blood all over my books.
On the postive side of things, I did however punch my brother in the face in the car tonight for being an asshole towards me, which made me feel oh so much better, as I drew blood.
Things are just progressing into this spiral of depression, which I believe could possibley be clinical depression, as I have always put on a happy face for people, even though I'm always so damn depressed, but only recently have I seriously considered the thought of suicide.
There's really no one I can rely on except myself, as my 'friends' persay are just dicks who like putting on an act for me until I trust them, only for them to metophorically push me off a cliff and plummet.
Sorry for the rant, but I'm just 'trying' to cheer myself up - seeing that no one else cares anyway.
Normally I wouldn't bother even writing this down, but I figured I might as well for two reasons:
- To give you guys an update about my life, hence why I haven't written anything since I got back from the United Stated.
- Year 11 is taking up all my time, and I need a break from it.
This past week has been the worse, I recently got drunk for the first time mostly to drown my sorrows in a deep hole where I could forget about it. Unfortunately, that's not exactly how it turned out; apparently I was very depressing even though I know I wasn't whilst drunk. People don't seem to understand me at all, as I'm a very negitive person, but that doesn't make me depressing... well, that's my opinion anyway.
On my love-life side of things, well, it's non-exsistant, and I've decided that it's not worth it at all even trying anymore - who the fuck needs crushes or a relationship anyway?
So, back on topic, I almost -I repeat, 'almost'- tried to cut myself today during class, as I had almost cracked it, but in the end my better side of me stopped me, much to my dismay. That, and I really didn't want to get blood all over my books.
On the postive side of things, I did however punch my brother in the face in the car tonight for being an asshole towards me, which made me feel oh so much better, as I drew blood.
Things are just progressing into this spiral of depression, which I believe could possibley be clinical depression, as I have always put on a happy face for people, even though I'm always so damn depressed, but only recently have I seriously considered the thought of suicide.
There's really no one I can rely on except myself, as my 'friends' persay are just dicks who like putting on an act for me until I trust them, only for them to metophorically push me off a cliff and plummet.
Sorry for the rant, but I'm just 'trying' to cheer myself up - seeing that no one else cares anyway.