There's No Place Like Home: Part Seven
Title: There's No Place like Home
Chapter Seven: The Art of Delusion
Author: Co-written with blucougar57
Summary: Jack awakens to find himself in a strange land named Oz after being taken by the Rift. With Gwen hot on his trail as the Wicked Witch of the West, will Jack ever find his way home?
Rating: T, for now.
Warnings: Contains Gwen-bashing. Don't like? Don't read. Crack!fic. Crossover with Doctor Who occasionally.
A/N: At last! Gwen's ultimate demise! Mwahahaha! Only one more chapter to go after this though.. I can't believe it's almost over.. Anyway, enjoy this chapter.
The Art of Delusion
The heroic dog Ollie didn’t stop for one moment as he climbed over every mountain that challenged him. Through every crack of rock and over gorges that would scare anyone witless, Ollie soldiered on. This ball of fluff was on a mission. A mission to save his beloved owner from the horrible green monster that had captured him.
Whatever it took, Ollie was going to save Jack the only way he knew how. He had to find Owen, Toshiko and Ianto. They’d know what to do.
Eventually he found himself climbing down the final mountainside, landing on a convenient pile of dead leaves. Before him was the Haunted Forest, and somewhere hopefully the others were okay.
Running over logs, branches, through grass and leaves, Ollie never gave up in finding Jack’s friends. Eventually the sound of grumbling voices and the smell of coffee led the brave little ball of fluff to his beloved master’s companions.
“Oi! Watch where you’re putting your hands, you metal pervert!” Owen snapped as Ianto began stuffing straw back into the top of his trousers.
It amused Ollie highly at the comedic benefits the scarecrow brought to the adventure. For the short time he’d been travelling with them, Ollie could tell that even though that each of them seemed to be completely different, in many ways they were all the same, which explained the close bond they had with each other, even though they didn’t seem to be aware of it. Because, of course it was up to the dog to notice these things.
Barking at the three companions, Ollie finally got their attention.
Ianto was the first to notice. Ollie really liked Ianto, and the fact that he seemed to make his master happy made him happy also.
“Where’d you come from?”
Ollie tried to communicate with the three, but they didn’t appear to understand. Even Toshiko, the smartest person he knew, seemed to be having trouble understanding. She did seem to understand some parts, though, which helped. Not much, but it did help.
“I think he’s trying to say that he’ll take us to Jack!”
That’s not what I was saying, Ollie barked. Do I look like bloody Lassie?
But it didn’t matter, to them they all seemed to believe he was there to take them to Jack, even though he hadn’t even gotten to that part yet. He was still trying to explain what had happened so far. Stupid two legged freaks.
Being the intelligent creature that he was, Ollie chose not to argue any further. Instead, he turned away and scampered back in the direction of Gwen’s castle, pausing every now and then to make sure the others weren’t too far behind him, because everyone knew that two legged creatures were dumb and slow.
It took Ollie longer than he first expected to reach the castle. Once they’d reached the mountains, Owen started having trouble climbing, being unable to properly hold on to anything with his straw-filled hands. He almost fell down off the cliff at one point, and Toshiko’s tail was the only thing that kept him from falling - although he almost took her down with him.
“If you don’t let go of my tail this second, Owen, we’re both going to fall down.”
“If I go, I’m bloody well taking someone with me!” Owen snapped back, in a state of panic as he looked down at the seemingly bottomless pit beneath them.
It was then that Ianto grabbed Toshiko and hauled her up, bringing Owen along for the ride as he was still hanging onto her tail with a death grip. Even though technically this was a very dangerous situation to be in, it amused Ollie greatly. Because we all know the good guys never die in a family friendly movie.
Once they’d all managed to get themselves in a safe position, Ollie led them over the next mountain to where Gwen’s castle lay. Just when he thought the dangerous part was over, Ollie then reminded himself that Gwen was more dangerous.
“What’s that?” Owen asked.
Ianto rolled his eyes, as only he was able.
“That is the Wicked Witches castle, you straw-brained idiot.”
“Oi!” Owen snapped. “I am not straw-brained. No brain at all, remember?”
Ianto just smirked, and waited to see how long it took before Owen realised he’d just insulted himself.
“To think, Jack’s in that awful place, with Gwen doing who knows what to him,” Toshiko added, anxious that the boys not start fighting again. As hot as she found it, they had more important things to be concerned with.
“I hate to think of him in there. We have to get him out,” Ianto said, surprised by how much he actually cared about Jack just then… though, it was probably the thought of Gwen making Jack do terrible things with her that caused him to care so much.
*
Jack had been staring out from the balcony for a while now, looking at the guards below. It didn’t surprise Jack in the slightest when he realised that the guards had the faces of both Rhys and PC Andy, all repeating Gwen’s name as if under a love spell.
He felt the utmost sympathy for them. It stood to reason that she had them under some sort of spell - he’d always wondered just how it was that two seemingly normal, decent blokes could ever be so infatuated with a woman whose idea of comfort were five hundred pound knee-hi boots.
He didn’t have time to worry about them, though. The sand in the hourglass was almost up, and he dreaded Gwen’s inevitable return. He just hoped she’d put something a little more modest on…
Jack groaned and shook his head. He never thought he would have seen the day that he wanted someone to cover up.
Just at that moment, the final grain of sand fell into the bottom part of the hourglass. The door to the tower was unlocked, and Gwen pranced in, pulling in with her a trolley with a silver set alongside a jug of coffee and a plate that was piled high with the most delectable looking cakes. When the trolley was fully in, she closed the door behind her.
“I figured you might be a little hungry and thirsty, so I brought you some coffee.”
Still wearing her black lingerie, unfortunately for his poor, over-exposed senses, she wheeled in the trolley of goodies that she knew Jack would never be able to resist. Setting up a tablecloth over a fold up table she’d brought with her, she began placing each of the goodies onto it for the tea party.
Gwen had made a special trip to the kitchen to lace Jack’s cup with Retcon. It was simple really. Jack would drink from the cup, and the only thoughts remaining in his mind would be the ones about her. That way, she could persuade him to give her the magical muse and they’d live happily ever after.
Really, it was the best idea she’d ever come up with. It was foolproof. Nothing could ruin it, it was as unsinkable as the Titanic… She frowned. There was something wrong with that sentence, but for the life of her, she couldn’t think what it was. Oh well, no matter.
Reluctantly, Jack pulled over a chair and sat down at the table that was laden with cakes and treats, but he never touched them. Something just wasn’t right, this whole situation wasn’t right. In fact, it was totally and utterly wrong.
“One sugar or two?” Gwen asked Jack as she began to pour Jack’s coffee.
“Three,” Jack replied hesitantly.
Taking the cup that she’d prepared earlier by dissolving the Retcon into it, she added the sugar and set the cup in front of Jack. She then poured her own, placing two sugars in hers. Pulling up another chair, Gwen sat down opposite Jack, posing as sexily as she could. She failed to notice the building nausea in Jack’s expression.
“I’m so glad you came,” Gwen said, hypnotized by Jack’s beauty.
She was so entranced by Jack’s masculine features and his beautiful blue-grey eyes, that she never noticed him swap the drinks around. He hadn’t seen her do anything untoward to the cup, but damned if he was going to drink anything she gave him. He wasn’t that much of an idiot.
Jack smiled back at her.
“Same here,” Jack paused to take a sip of his drink, but stopped. “I propose a toast to us.”
“Oh, Jack!” Gwen squealed, sounding like a Trekkie fangirl with the hots for William Shatner. “You really shouldn’t have!”
He barely resisted rolling his eyes. Oh, didn’t he ever know it…
“I’d just like to say how thrilled I am to have met you. I’d have to honestly say I’ve never met anyone like you in my entire life, and for some reason, I don’t think I ever will again.”
And with that note, Jack gulped down his entire coffee licking his lips after he’d finished it. Placing the empty cup in front of him, Jack waited eagerly for Gwen to drink hers.
Gwen couldn’t believe what she’d just heard, or what she thought she had heard. Jack loved her; she swore that was what he’d just said. She had no clue that he’d really insulted her.
Placing the cup to her full and luscious (read: Botox) lips, that had come in contact with many others before Jack’s, she doused her mouth with the Retcon lased coffee.
“Hmm... Tastes a little different, don’t you think?” Gwen asked once she’d finished drinking it.
“Tasted fine to me,” Jack admitted with a grin.
All of a sudden Gwen began to feel strange as she began to close her eyes.
“I feel so sleepy,” Gwen said as the Retcon kicked in. A second later Gwen went face first into the chocolate cake that was lying on the table. What a waste of a perfectly good dark chocolate cake, Jack mused regretfully.
Shrugging, he hurried over to the door, only to find it apparently locked. After pushing desperately on it for a short time, he gave up. Looking down at Coco, Jack spoke to the toy.
“You helped me before, help me now,” Jack pleaded, but the toy didn’t do anything but look up at him with its black soulful eyes. “Thanks for nothing,” Jack grumbled.
*
Outside the castle, Ollie watched the guard clones of Andy and Rhys march around, preventing anything or anyone from entering. It seemed hopeless; there was no way he could save his master now.
“I have a plan to get into there, and you’re going to lead us,” Owen said to Toshiko, looking surprised that he had a plan at all.
“What! No way, not in a million years,” Toshiko replied, frightened.
“It’s for Jack, he needs us,” Ianto placed his metal hand on her shoulder in support.
Owen snorted.
“Look at the tin boy with no heart, getting all soppy over his lover boy…”
Ianto glared at Owen.
“I’d pour this coffee down your shirt, but one, it would be a waste of good coffee. Two, do you know what wet straw smells like? Toshiko, please…”
“Well... okay... for Jack,” she said hesitantly, but that tiny glint of something slowly developed it into something more. “Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I’ll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I’m going in there for Jack. There’s only one thing I want you to do.”
“What’s that?” Owen said raising a suspicious eyebrow.
“Hold my hand,” she asked, both blushing and looking scared all at once.
Ollie barked at them, interrupting their moment. There was a time and place and this certainly wasn’t it.
Trotting further down the mountainside, Ollie led them closer to the castle where they hopefully wouldn’t be seen.
None of them saw three Andy clones sneak up behind them from behind a rock. It was only when Toshiko was startled by a rock tumbling behind them that she saw them, but Owen and Ianto prevented her from speaking when she tried to warn them.
Moments later each of them found themselves fighting on the ground with one of the Andy guards. Rocks went flying, and bits of their uniform were removed from their bodies as one by one Owen, Toshiko and Ianto stripped the Andys of any clothing they had until only their underwear remained.
Using the belts, Owen tied up each of the Andys and gagged them with their socks.
“That should teach you a lesson.”
This time it was Ianto’s turn for an idea, as the guards were now beginning to leave the outside of the castle and parade over the drawbridge in a single file.
“Come on, follow me.”
Now dressed in the guards’ uniforms, Ianto quickly walked down off the remaining side of the mountain followed by Owen and Toshiko. Ollie kept hidden behind Toshiko, afraid that the guards might try and attack him again.
As the last guard turned his back to them, Ianto quickly stepped out from behind in and began marching in the line. Owen and Toshiko did the same thing as Ollie trotted carefully keeping out of sight.
Just as they entered Gwen’s castle, the drawbridge behind them closed shut. Pressing up against the wall, they waited until the guards turned the next corner and were out of sight.
“Where do we go now?” Toshiko asked Ollie, who barked and began running up a set of stairs leading them to a door.
Of course, typically to add to the already extremely anxious and important moment in the movie, suspenseful music began to play out of nowhere.
“Will you shut up!?” Owen yelled. Honestly, why couldn’t they just be left alone, doing what needed to be done without all these damn interruptions?
Thankfully, the higher power listened to Owen and the music stopped, bringing them back to the matter at hand. Ollie was scratching at a large wooden door when they reached the top of the stairs.
“Jack!” Toshiko yelled through the door.
On the other side Jack sighed in relief at the sound of her voice. “I’m in here! I can’t get out.”
Owen didn’t know why, but he pushed at the door, stopping when it squeaked loudly. It was unlocked.
“You idiot, it’s open. Don’t tell me you were stupid enough to push the door on the other side instead of pull?”
Jack had no comeback for that one, except for rather deflated, “Oh...”
Using the coffee can that Ianto was hiding underneath his guard outfit, he greased the hinges of the door with the precious coffee, so that it would not make a noise and alert the guards.
Jack glanced behind him nervously as Gwen began to stir from her beauty nap.
“Hurry up!” Jack snapped desperately. “The Queen of Carnage is waking up!”
Once the door had been sufficiently greased, Owen opened the door. Thankfully it didn’t make a single noise. Jack got out just in time to hear Gwen arise from the table.
“Oooo! Chocolate!” she squealed in an overly high-pitched voice, using her hands to get the chocolate off her face. Once the cake was on her hands she began shovelling it into her mouth as she licked her hands clean.
“Hurry, Jack,” Toshiko urged. “We have no time to lose!”
Picking up Ollie off the floor, Jack ran down the stairs towards the main doors of the castle. Just as they reached them they swung shut by themselves.
Above them was Gwen who was giggling like a five year old girl, and still with chocolate smeared all over her face. It really did clash badly with her green complexion.
“Come join my tea party, it’s only just started,” Gwen said childishly, sounding suspiciously as if somehow she’d reverted back to a child-like state. Jack’s jaw dropped as he realised what had happened with the switched drinks, and it made his stomach turn to think that it could have been him running around right then with the mentality of a five year-old.
Then again, he remembered (sort of) what he was like at that age, and he knew what a little terror he’d been. It would have served Gwen right to have to deal with a five year-old Jack Harkness in an adult body, who was prone to kicking and biting - and not in a good way - when he didn’t get what he wanted…
“We’re trapped like mice,” Toshiko said, breaking him out of his reverie. She was right - he couldn’t see any route of escape as the many clones of Rhys and Andy that swarmed towards them from every direction.
Gwen couldn’t contain her giggling fit.
“You’re a bad little boy, Jack. Why don’t you come and play?” she squealed. “We can make pillow fortresses!”
“No way, not even if you weren’t mentally deficient,” Jack replied, keeping Ollie and Coco close to him.
It was then that Coco began glowing with the same blue light Jack had seen earlier. The chandelier above the guards all of a sudden fell down on them, giving Jack and the others enough time to escape down one of the corridors.
“Nooo!” Gwen screamed, and then began sucking her thumb - like she wasn’t buck-toothed enough as it was - as she chased after Jack.
Sending her guards after them, Gwen toddled happily down the stairs as the guards rushed down the corridor that they thought Jack and his companions had gone down.
As the last of the guards went past, Owen, Jack, Ianto and Toshiko came out of their hiding place and backtracked. They quickly headed up the stairs in search of a way out.
The guards doubled back as well when they found no sight of Jack. Gwen had a screaming tantrum when the guards unexpectedly turned around and charged in her direction, knocking her off her feet. She’d just managed to get up again, only to be trampled over once more by at least fifty more Rhys and Andys.
Collecting herself from the ground, Gwen shrieked - although it was more of a sulky squeal - at the Andys to go up one set of stairs, while the Rhys clones were ordered to go up the other set.
At the top of the stairs, Jack was opening any door that might provide a means of escape. The only one he found that might have been any use was one of the doors that lead outside to one of the side towers.
Running along the outside path, with Ollie next to him, Jack reached the small tower.
“Where do we go now?” Ianto asked checking back for any sign of Gwen.
“This way, come on!” Owen replied as soon as he saw that the path continued through the tower.
All the while, fresh dramatic music filled the air. Jack skidded to a halt, and glared upwards at whatever nameless entity was responsible for the musical score.
“That is the theme from Halloween, you bloody fools. If you’ve gotta have music, at least get it right!”
Again, the music died away, sounding like a pipe organ that had just had its bellows squashed. Satisfied, Jack resumed his frantic escape efforts.
Just as they reached the door to the castle on the other side, a whole bunch of Andys emerged from the door. On the other side the Rhys began surging down from the other, trapping them inside the small tower.
Gwen appeared in between them all, skipping gleefully in her now somewhat ragged black lingerie. It was the most frightening sight yet.
“That was a very naughty thing to do,” Gwen said, waggling her finger at Jack.
“Go to hell, bitch,” Jack snapped back.
Gasping, Gwen shook her head in disbelief.
“You said a bad word! You’re in big trouble now.”
Ollie bravely stepped forward towards the witch, cutely jumping up onto its back legs and letting his tongue flop all over the place.
“Puppy!” Gwen squealed, completely overcome by the sight of Ollie, whose cuteness was absolute - even outshining Ianto. Briefly. It also distracted her for a moment as Jack looked around for any sign of a weapon. But the only thing he could find was a bucket. A bucket filled with Barbeque sauce.
He considered it for all of about two seconds before grabbing the bucket and tipping the contents all over Gwen.
She shrieked fit to die, writhing desperately.
“Aargh! What have you done? I’m melting, melting! What a world, what a world!”
“Oh, for God’s sake, shut up,” Owen groaned. “You’re not bloody melting at all, you stupid old bat.”
Gwen blinked, and looked around in surprise.
“You mean… that’s not in the script?”
Jack couldn’t suppress the grin spreading across his face, which was complimented nicely by the soft, wicked chuckle that came from Ianto beside him. What a pair they made. He couldn’t wait until this gorgeous hunk of tin got that heart.
“No… Even better. Oh, so much better.”
“Barbeque sauce?” Toshiko asked in confusion, and Jack’s grin widened impossibly.
“Helps it identify its food.”
“Oh… crap…”
And those were the last words Gwen ever uttered as her trusty broomstick Myfanwy swept in and swallowed her in one gulp.
“That poor thing,” Ianto said sadly as the pterodactyl flew away into the sunset. Jack stared at him incredulously.
“What…?”
Ianto wiped away a tear from the corner of his eye.
“Can you imagine the indigestion that poor creature is going to suffer?”
Jack grimaced.
“Just as long as I’m nowhere near it when Gwen comes out the other end.” And then, he suddenly realised something. “Oh no… We didn’t get the ring! That bloody bird swallowed the wedding ring!”
“Uh… excuse me?”
Jack turned, and blinked as one of the many Rhys clones came forward. Except…
“You’re not a clone,” Jack realised in shock. “You’re the original!”
Rhys smiled sheepishly.
“Yeah, that’s right. Gwen was my wife, and we used to be happy, you know? But then she fell in with that witch from the East, and he filled her head with all this rubbish about how important and special she was, and it just changed her. All of a sudden, she thought she was the centre of everyone’s universe, and that everyone ought to worship her like she was some sort of goddess. And insatiable! Gawd! In the end, she started cloning me, because I just couldn’t keep up with her demands. Especially after she changed colour.” He shuddered at the memory, and then went on quickly. “Anyway, bottom line is, you’ve freed all of us from her spell, and we’re really grateful. I heard you mention her wedding ring, and I thought maybe this might do…?”
Jack grinned his best megawatt grin as Rhys handed him his wedding ring.
“They’re the same, so you wouldn’t know the difference,” Rhys explained. “Silly cow thought I should have the same as hers, and she made me buy two women’s rings. Never did have any sense, that one. Can’t say I’m sorry she’s gone.”
Jack nodded his thanks, and turned back to his companions, holding the ring up triumphantly.
“C’mon,” he enthused. “Let’s go get our reward.”
To be continued...
Chapter Seven: The Art of Delusion
Author: Co-written with blucougar57
Summary: Jack awakens to find himself in a strange land named Oz after being taken by the Rift. With Gwen hot on his trail as the Wicked Witch of the West, will Jack ever find his way home?
Rating: T, for now.
Warnings: Contains Gwen-bashing. Don't like? Don't read. Crack!fic. Crossover with Doctor Who occasionally.
A/N: At last! Gwen's ultimate demise! Mwahahaha! Only one more chapter to go after this though.. I can't believe it's almost over.. Anyway, enjoy this chapter.
The Art of Delusion
The heroic dog Ollie didn’t stop for one moment as he climbed over every mountain that challenged him. Through every crack of rock and over gorges that would scare anyone witless, Ollie soldiered on. This ball of fluff was on a mission. A mission to save his beloved owner from the horrible green monster that had captured him.
Whatever it took, Ollie was going to save Jack the only way he knew how. He had to find Owen, Toshiko and Ianto. They’d know what to do.
Eventually he found himself climbing down the final mountainside, landing on a convenient pile of dead leaves. Before him was the Haunted Forest, and somewhere hopefully the others were okay.
Running over logs, branches, through grass and leaves, Ollie never gave up in finding Jack’s friends. Eventually the sound of grumbling voices and the smell of coffee led the brave little ball of fluff to his beloved master’s companions.
“Oi! Watch where you’re putting your hands, you metal pervert!” Owen snapped as Ianto began stuffing straw back into the top of his trousers.
It amused Ollie highly at the comedic benefits the scarecrow brought to the adventure. For the short time he’d been travelling with them, Ollie could tell that even though that each of them seemed to be completely different, in many ways they were all the same, which explained the close bond they had with each other, even though they didn’t seem to be aware of it. Because, of course it was up to the dog to notice these things.
Barking at the three companions, Ollie finally got their attention.
Ianto was the first to notice. Ollie really liked Ianto, and the fact that he seemed to make his master happy made him happy also.
“Where’d you come from?”
Ollie tried to communicate with the three, but they didn’t appear to understand. Even Toshiko, the smartest person he knew, seemed to be having trouble understanding. She did seem to understand some parts, though, which helped. Not much, but it did help.
“I think he’s trying to say that he’ll take us to Jack!”
That’s not what I was saying, Ollie barked. Do I look like bloody Lassie?
But it didn’t matter, to them they all seemed to believe he was there to take them to Jack, even though he hadn’t even gotten to that part yet. He was still trying to explain what had happened so far. Stupid two legged freaks.
Being the intelligent creature that he was, Ollie chose not to argue any further. Instead, he turned away and scampered back in the direction of Gwen’s castle, pausing every now and then to make sure the others weren’t too far behind him, because everyone knew that two legged creatures were dumb and slow.
It took Ollie longer than he first expected to reach the castle. Once they’d reached the mountains, Owen started having trouble climbing, being unable to properly hold on to anything with his straw-filled hands. He almost fell down off the cliff at one point, and Toshiko’s tail was the only thing that kept him from falling - although he almost took her down with him.
“If you don’t let go of my tail this second, Owen, we’re both going to fall down.”
“If I go, I’m bloody well taking someone with me!” Owen snapped back, in a state of panic as he looked down at the seemingly bottomless pit beneath them.
It was then that Ianto grabbed Toshiko and hauled her up, bringing Owen along for the ride as he was still hanging onto her tail with a death grip. Even though technically this was a very dangerous situation to be in, it amused Ollie greatly. Because we all know the good guys never die in a family friendly movie.
Once they’d all managed to get themselves in a safe position, Ollie led them over the next mountain to where Gwen’s castle lay. Just when he thought the dangerous part was over, Ollie then reminded himself that Gwen was more dangerous.
“What’s that?” Owen asked.
Ianto rolled his eyes, as only he was able.
“That is the Wicked Witches castle, you straw-brained idiot.”
“Oi!” Owen snapped. “I am not straw-brained. No brain at all, remember?”
Ianto just smirked, and waited to see how long it took before Owen realised he’d just insulted himself.
“To think, Jack’s in that awful place, with Gwen doing who knows what to him,” Toshiko added, anxious that the boys not start fighting again. As hot as she found it, they had more important things to be concerned with.
“I hate to think of him in there. We have to get him out,” Ianto said, surprised by how much he actually cared about Jack just then… though, it was probably the thought of Gwen making Jack do terrible things with her that caused him to care so much.
*
Jack had been staring out from the balcony for a while now, looking at the guards below. It didn’t surprise Jack in the slightest when he realised that the guards had the faces of both Rhys and PC Andy, all repeating Gwen’s name as if under a love spell.
He felt the utmost sympathy for them. It stood to reason that she had them under some sort of spell - he’d always wondered just how it was that two seemingly normal, decent blokes could ever be so infatuated with a woman whose idea of comfort were five hundred pound knee-hi boots.
He didn’t have time to worry about them, though. The sand in the hourglass was almost up, and he dreaded Gwen’s inevitable return. He just hoped she’d put something a little more modest on…
Jack groaned and shook his head. He never thought he would have seen the day that he wanted someone to cover up.
Just at that moment, the final grain of sand fell into the bottom part of the hourglass. The door to the tower was unlocked, and Gwen pranced in, pulling in with her a trolley with a silver set alongside a jug of coffee and a plate that was piled high with the most delectable looking cakes. When the trolley was fully in, she closed the door behind her.
“I figured you might be a little hungry and thirsty, so I brought you some coffee.”
Still wearing her black lingerie, unfortunately for his poor, over-exposed senses, she wheeled in the trolley of goodies that she knew Jack would never be able to resist. Setting up a tablecloth over a fold up table she’d brought with her, she began placing each of the goodies onto it for the tea party.
Gwen had made a special trip to the kitchen to lace Jack’s cup with Retcon. It was simple really. Jack would drink from the cup, and the only thoughts remaining in his mind would be the ones about her. That way, she could persuade him to give her the magical muse and they’d live happily ever after.
Really, it was the best idea she’d ever come up with. It was foolproof. Nothing could ruin it, it was as unsinkable as the Titanic… She frowned. There was something wrong with that sentence, but for the life of her, she couldn’t think what it was. Oh well, no matter.
Reluctantly, Jack pulled over a chair and sat down at the table that was laden with cakes and treats, but he never touched them. Something just wasn’t right, this whole situation wasn’t right. In fact, it was totally and utterly wrong.
“One sugar or two?” Gwen asked Jack as she began to pour Jack’s coffee.
“Three,” Jack replied hesitantly.
Taking the cup that she’d prepared earlier by dissolving the Retcon into it, she added the sugar and set the cup in front of Jack. She then poured her own, placing two sugars in hers. Pulling up another chair, Gwen sat down opposite Jack, posing as sexily as she could. She failed to notice the building nausea in Jack’s expression.
“I’m so glad you came,” Gwen said, hypnotized by Jack’s beauty.
She was so entranced by Jack’s masculine features and his beautiful blue-grey eyes, that she never noticed him swap the drinks around. He hadn’t seen her do anything untoward to the cup, but damned if he was going to drink anything she gave him. He wasn’t that much of an idiot.
Jack smiled back at her.
“Same here,” Jack paused to take a sip of his drink, but stopped. “I propose a toast to us.”
“Oh, Jack!” Gwen squealed, sounding like a Trekkie fangirl with the hots for William Shatner. “You really shouldn’t have!”
He barely resisted rolling his eyes. Oh, didn’t he ever know it…
“I’d just like to say how thrilled I am to have met you. I’d have to honestly say I’ve never met anyone like you in my entire life, and for some reason, I don’t think I ever will again.”
And with that note, Jack gulped down his entire coffee licking his lips after he’d finished it. Placing the empty cup in front of him, Jack waited eagerly for Gwen to drink hers.
Gwen couldn’t believe what she’d just heard, or what she thought she had heard. Jack loved her; she swore that was what he’d just said. She had no clue that he’d really insulted her.
Placing the cup to her full and luscious (read: Botox) lips, that had come in contact with many others before Jack’s, she doused her mouth with the Retcon lased coffee.
“Hmm... Tastes a little different, don’t you think?” Gwen asked once she’d finished drinking it.
“Tasted fine to me,” Jack admitted with a grin.
All of a sudden Gwen began to feel strange as she began to close her eyes.
“I feel so sleepy,” Gwen said as the Retcon kicked in. A second later Gwen went face first into the chocolate cake that was lying on the table. What a waste of a perfectly good dark chocolate cake, Jack mused regretfully.
Shrugging, he hurried over to the door, only to find it apparently locked. After pushing desperately on it for a short time, he gave up. Looking down at Coco, Jack spoke to the toy.
“You helped me before, help me now,” Jack pleaded, but the toy didn’t do anything but look up at him with its black soulful eyes. “Thanks for nothing,” Jack grumbled.
*
Outside the castle, Ollie watched the guard clones of Andy and Rhys march around, preventing anything or anyone from entering. It seemed hopeless; there was no way he could save his master now.
“I have a plan to get into there, and you’re going to lead us,” Owen said to Toshiko, looking surprised that he had a plan at all.
“What! No way, not in a million years,” Toshiko replied, frightened.
“It’s for Jack, he needs us,” Ianto placed his metal hand on her shoulder in support.
Owen snorted.
“Look at the tin boy with no heart, getting all soppy over his lover boy…”
Ianto glared at Owen.
“I’d pour this coffee down your shirt, but one, it would be a waste of good coffee. Two, do you know what wet straw smells like? Toshiko, please…”
“Well... okay... for Jack,” she said hesitantly, but that tiny glint of something slowly developed it into something more. “Wicked Witch or no Wicked Witch, guards or no guards, I’ll tear them apart. I may not come out alive, but I’m going in there for Jack. There’s only one thing I want you to do.”
“What’s that?” Owen said raising a suspicious eyebrow.
“Hold my hand,” she asked, both blushing and looking scared all at once.
Ollie barked at them, interrupting their moment. There was a time and place and this certainly wasn’t it.
Trotting further down the mountainside, Ollie led them closer to the castle where they hopefully wouldn’t be seen.
None of them saw three Andy clones sneak up behind them from behind a rock. It was only when Toshiko was startled by a rock tumbling behind them that she saw them, but Owen and Ianto prevented her from speaking when she tried to warn them.
Moments later each of them found themselves fighting on the ground with one of the Andy guards. Rocks went flying, and bits of their uniform were removed from their bodies as one by one Owen, Toshiko and Ianto stripped the Andys of any clothing they had until only their underwear remained.
Using the belts, Owen tied up each of the Andys and gagged them with their socks.
“That should teach you a lesson.”
This time it was Ianto’s turn for an idea, as the guards were now beginning to leave the outside of the castle and parade over the drawbridge in a single file.
“Come on, follow me.”
Now dressed in the guards’ uniforms, Ianto quickly walked down off the remaining side of the mountain followed by Owen and Toshiko. Ollie kept hidden behind Toshiko, afraid that the guards might try and attack him again.
As the last guard turned his back to them, Ianto quickly stepped out from behind in and began marching in the line. Owen and Toshiko did the same thing as Ollie trotted carefully keeping out of sight.
Just as they entered Gwen’s castle, the drawbridge behind them closed shut. Pressing up against the wall, they waited until the guards turned the next corner and were out of sight.
“Where do we go now?” Toshiko asked Ollie, who barked and began running up a set of stairs leading them to a door.
Of course, typically to add to the already extremely anxious and important moment in the movie, suspenseful music began to play out of nowhere.
“Will you shut up!?” Owen yelled. Honestly, why couldn’t they just be left alone, doing what needed to be done without all these damn interruptions?
Thankfully, the higher power listened to Owen and the music stopped, bringing them back to the matter at hand. Ollie was scratching at a large wooden door when they reached the top of the stairs.
“Jack!” Toshiko yelled through the door.
On the other side Jack sighed in relief at the sound of her voice. “I’m in here! I can’t get out.”
Owen didn’t know why, but he pushed at the door, stopping when it squeaked loudly. It was unlocked.
“You idiot, it’s open. Don’t tell me you were stupid enough to push the door on the other side instead of pull?”
Jack had no comeback for that one, except for rather deflated, “Oh...”
Using the coffee can that Ianto was hiding underneath his guard outfit, he greased the hinges of the door with the precious coffee, so that it would not make a noise and alert the guards.
Jack glanced behind him nervously as Gwen began to stir from her beauty nap.
“Hurry up!” Jack snapped desperately. “The Queen of Carnage is waking up!”
Once the door had been sufficiently greased, Owen opened the door. Thankfully it didn’t make a single noise. Jack got out just in time to hear Gwen arise from the table.
“Oooo! Chocolate!” she squealed in an overly high-pitched voice, using her hands to get the chocolate off her face. Once the cake was on her hands she began shovelling it into her mouth as she licked her hands clean.
“Hurry, Jack,” Toshiko urged. “We have no time to lose!”
Picking up Ollie off the floor, Jack ran down the stairs towards the main doors of the castle. Just as they reached them they swung shut by themselves.
Above them was Gwen who was giggling like a five year old girl, and still with chocolate smeared all over her face. It really did clash badly with her green complexion.
“Come join my tea party, it’s only just started,” Gwen said childishly, sounding suspiciously as if somehow she’d reverted back to a child-like state. Jack’s jaw dropped as he realised what had happened with the switched drinks, and it made his stomach turn to think that it could have been him running around right then with the mentality of a five year-old.
Then again, he remembered (sort of) what he was like at that age, and he knew what a little terror he’d been. It would have served Gwen right to have to deal with a five year-old Jack Harkness in an adult body, who was prone to kicking and biting - and not in a good way - when he didn’t get what he wanted…
“We’re trapped like mice,” Toshiko said, breaking him out of his reverie. She was right - he couldn’t see any route of escape as the many clones of Rhys and Andy that swarmed towards them from every direction.
Gwen couldn’t contain her giggling fit.
“You’re a bad little boy, Jack. Why don’t you come and play?” she squealed. “We can make pillow fortresses!”
“No way, not even if you weren’t mentally deficient,” Jack replied, keeping Ollie and Coco close to him.
It was then that Coco began glowing with the same blue light Jack had seen earlier. The chandelier above the guards all of a sudden fell down on them, giving Jack and the others enough time to escape down one of the corridors.
“Nooo!” Gwen screamed, and then began sucking her thumb - like she wasn’t buck-toothed enough as it was - as she chased after Jack.
Sending her guards after them, Gwen toddled happily down the stairs as the guards rushed down the corridor that they thought Jack and his companions had gone down.
As the last of the guards went past, Owen, Jack, Ianto and Toshiko came out of their hiding place and backtracked. They quickly headed up the stairs in search of a way out.
The guards doubled back as well when they found no sight of Jack. Gwen had a screaming tantrum when the guards unexpectedly turned around and charged in her direction, knocking her off her feet. She’d just managed to get up again, only to be trampled over once more by at least fifty more Rhys and Andys.
Collecting herself from the ground, Gwen shrieked - although it was more of a sulky squeal - at the Andys to go up one set of stairs, while the Rhys clones were ordered to go up the other set.
At the top of the stairs, Jack was opening any door that might provide a means of escape. The only one he found that might have been any use was one of the doors that lead outside to one of the side towers.
Running along the outside path, with Ollie next to him, Jack reached the small tower.
“Where do we go now?” Ianto asked checking back for any sign of Gwen.
“This way, come on!” Owen replied as soon as he saw that the path continued through the tower.
All the while, fresh dramatic music filled the air. Jack skidded to a halt, and glared upwards at whatever nameless entity was responsible for the musical score.
“That is the theme from Halloween, you bloody fools. If you’ve gotta have music, at least get it right!”
Again, the music died away, sounding like a pipe organ that had just had its bellows squashed. Satisfied, Jack resumed his frantic escape efforts.
Just as they reached the door to the castle on the other side, a whole bunch of Andys emerged from the door. On the other side the Rhys began surging down from the other, trapping them inside the small tower.
Gwen appeared in between them all, skipping gleefully in her now somewhat ragged black lingerie. It was the most frightening sight yet.
“That was a very naughty thing to do,” Gwen said, waggling her finger at Jack.
“Go to hell, bitch,” Jack snapped back.
Gasping, Gwen shook her head in disbelief.
“You said a bad word! You’re in big trouble now.”
Ollie bravely stepped forward towards the witch, cutely jumping up onto its back legs and letting his tongue flop all over the place.
“Puppy!” Gwen squealed, completely overcome by the sight of Ollie, whose cuteness was absolute - even outshining Ianto. Briefly. It also distracted her for a moment as Jack looked around for any sign of a weapon. But the only thing he could find was a bucket. A bucket filled with Barbeque sauce.
He considered it for all of about two seconds before grabbing the bucket and tipping the contents all over Gwen.
She shrieked fit to die, writhing desperately.
“Aargh! What have you done? I’m melting, melting! What a world, what a world!”
“Oh, for God’s sake, shut up,” Owen groaned. “You’re not bloody melting at all, you stupid old bat.”
Gwen blinked, and looked around in surprise.
“You mean… that’s not in the script?”
Jack couldn’t suppress the grin spreading across his face, which was complimented nicely by the soft, wicked chuckle that came from Ianto beside him. What a pair they made. He couldn’t wait until this gorgeous hunk of tin got that heart.
“No… Even better. Oh, so much better.”
“Barbeque sauce?” Toshiko asked in confusion, and Jack’s grin widened impossibly.
“Helps it identify its food.”
“Oh… crap…”
And those were the last words Gwen ever uttered as her trusty broomstick Myfanwy swept in and swallowed her in one gulp.
“That poor thing,” Ianto said sadly as the pterodactyl flew away into the sunset. Jack stared at him incredulously.
“What…?”
Ianto wiped away a tear from the corner of his eye.
“Can you imagine the indigestion that poor creature is going to suffer?”
Jack grimaced.
“Just as long as I’m nowhere near it when Gwen comes out the other end.” And then, he suddenly realised something. “Oh no… We didn’t get the ring! That bloody bird swallowed the wedding ring!”
“Uh… excuse me?”
Jack turned, and blinked as one of the many Rhys clones came forward. Except…
“You’re not a clone,” Jack realised in shock. “You’re the original!”
Rhys smiled sheepishly.
“Yeah, that’s right. Gwen was my wife, and we used to be happy, you know? But then she fell in with that witch from the East, and he filled her head with all this rubbish about how important and special she was, and it just changed her. All of a sudden, she thought she was the centre of everyone’s universe, and that everyone ought to worship her like she was some sort of goddess. And insatiable! Gawd! In the end, she started cloning me, because I just couldn’t keep up with her demands. Especially after she changed colour.” He shuddered at the memory, and then went on quickly. “Anyway, bottom line is, you’ve freed all of us from her spell, and we’re really grateful. I heard you mention her wedding ring, and I thought maybe this might do…?”
Jack grinned his best megawatt grin as Rhys handed him his wedding ring.
“They’re the same, so you wouldn’t know the difference,” Rhys explained. “Silly cow thought I should have the same as hers, and she made me buy two women’s rings. Never did have any sense, that one. Can’t say I’m sorry she’s gone.”
Jack nodded his thanks, and turned back to his companions, holding the ring up triumphantly.
“C’mon,” he enthused. “Let’s go get our reward.”
To be continued...