Do Something
Every once in a while, I find myself or someone else engaged in a task that will provoke an acquaintance to say, "Oh, I would never be able to do that!" And for the purposes of this discussion, it really doesn't matter what that task is. The words are said in an admiring, positive way, and let's be honest: there are times when they feel encouraging. When it's helpful to know that what feels really difficult to me or another also seems difficult to onlookers.
But there are lots of other times when it feels flat to my ears. When my heart receives the words with a troubled feeling. Why?
Because I'm just an average person. I'm not particularly amazing, or patient, or strong. I'm silly, I'm too serious, I struggle with my weight and my budget and with what I'm going to give the kids for lunch. I have strengths and I have weaknesses. So do you. When the words seem to put me in a pedestal, it almost devalues the struggle, as though I am able to do things because I have some superhuman ability. I don't.
Because sometimes it's coupled with an insult. "I could never do that, because I just care too much." Um, really? I'm not even sure what that's supposed to say about the recipient of the compliment or the task they are accomplishing. That they don't care? That they are not loving? That I can do what I'm doing because I don't have feelings?
Because sometimes, it comes across as a cop-out. Not all the time, but sometimes, this phrase becomes a way for the speaker to express admiration and also excuse themselves for not doing something similar. Sometimes, "I could never do that" really means "I would never do that" or "It's okay for me to be complacent." Why do I know this? Because sometimes I'm tempted to use this phrase in just this way.
The Takeaway:
Don't stop admiring your friends and acquaintances. But maybe choose a different way to say it. Why not say, "I admire your persistence!" Or, "I am proud to know someone who works so hard." Or, "I appreciate that you persevere when things are tough." Or even, "What you're doing is hard, and you're doing a good job of coping." Because not only are those more about the person you're talking to than about you, they're specific. Those are words you can take home in your heart and hold onto in the dark days.
But better yet, be inspired. Sometimes, those words are plain honest truth. "I could never do that." There are all kinds of things I could never do. I know a lot of really amazing doers. Their accomplishments make me gape with admiration and humility. But instead of getting caught up in what I can't do, I also have the choice to figure out what I can do. So instead of just admiring others, what if you allow the sight of someone else meeting a challenge to inspire you to do something amazing yourself? Every single person has something they can do to help someone else. Even if it's little. Even if you don't think it matters the way some of what my friends are doing matters. Do that thing. And then do the next thing. And look for ways to fill where you are with love, kindness, sincerity, concern, compassion.
Because really, the greatest feeling isn't being admired. The greatest feeling is working side by side with amazing people to add value to our poor suffering world.
But there are lots of other times when it feels flat to my ears. When my heart receives the words with a troubled feeling. Why?
Because I'm just an average person. I'm not particularly amazing, or patient, or strong. I'm silly, I'm too serious, I struggle with my weight and my budget and with what I'm going to give the kids for lunch. I have strengths and I have weaknesses. So do you. When the words seem to put me in a pedestal, it almost devalues the struggle, as though I am able to do things because I have some superhuman ability. I don't.
Because sometimes it's coupled with an insult. "I could never do that, because I just care too much." Um, really? I'm not even sure what that's supposed to say about the recipient of the compliment or the task they are accomplishing. That they don't care? That they are not loving? That I can do what I'm doing because I don't have feelings?
Because sometimes, it comes across as a cop-out. Not all the time, but sometimes, this phrase becomes a way for the speaker to express admiration and also excuse themselves for not doing something similar. Sometimes, "I could never do that" really means "I would never do that" or "It's okay for me to be complacent." Why do I know this? Because sometimes I'm tempted to use this phrase in just this way.
The Takeaway:
Don't stop admiring your friends and acquaintances. But maybe choose a different way to say it. Why not say, "I admire your persistence!" Or, "I am proud to know someone who works so hard." Or, "I appreciate that you persevere when things are tough." Or even, "What you're doing is hard, and you're doing a good job of coping." Because not only are those more about the person you're talking to than about you, they're specific. Those are words you can take home in your heart and hold onto in the dark days.
But better yet, be inspired. Sometimes, those words are plain honest truth. "I could never do that." There are all kinds of things I could never do. I know a lot of really amazing doers. Their accomplishments make me gape with admiration and humility. But instead of getting caught up in what I can't do, I also have the choice to figure out what I can do. So instead of just admiring others, what if you allow the sight of someone else meeting a challenge to inspire you to do something amazing yourself? Every single person has something they can do to help someone else. Even if it's little. Even if you don't think it matters the way some of what my friends are doing matters. Do that thing. And then do the next thing. And look for ways to fill where you are with love, kindness, sincerity, concern, compassion.
Because really, the greatest feeling isn't being admired. The greatest feeling is working side by side with amazing people to add value to our poor suffering world.