Kinda like the old days
It's been a month already. I'm not even sure anyone reads this anymore. Regardless, I have some things to get off my chest (and some of it in a roundabout way in which people who might happen upon this won't know exactly what I'm thinking or talking about unless they're familiar with the recent issues augmenting and/or plaguing my life).
Anyway, my research direction has solidfied over the past few weeks a bit more. I'm going to be using a vibrational spectroscopy technique combined with electrical testing in order to characterize the effect on ceramic fuel cell performance of trace contaminants left in pre-cleaned gasified coal. In less technical terms, I'm going to shoot a laser which will pass through a bunch of filters, mirrors, and lens. The laser light will be scattered off of the fuel cell, which will at the same time be exposed to "contaminant"-type gases, heated to an operating temperature, and be electrically tested. The scattered light will be redirected by more mirrors and filters to a detector, which will use the light's wavelength to tell what compounds are forming in the fuel cell due to the contaminant gas. I'm excited about this research because it could really go a long way in terms of making fuel cells a mainstream power source which could slow down our fossil fuel consumption and reduce pollution. I guess there's a bit of a environmental kick to it, too.
I recently submitted a proposal of this to NSF in order to apply for a highly competitive fellowship which carries great prestige and a nice stipend (for a graduate student, anyway).
Classes continue to challenge me quite a bit. Thermodynamics has been a particularly tough customer; the two midterms I've taken so far in it are by far the most difficult exams I've ever taken (for me), and my performance on both of them was slightly below average. It really shows how shoddy my thermo background is. Luckily, I'll still receive a B for my efforts, most likely.
I had a period of financial instability following the fall break, which, combined with my own internal insecurities, resulted in a period of slight depression. I tried to keep it from showing, as I didn't want people to be overly concerned about me (even if there was cause for that). Anyway, part of what caused that is my living situation. I wanted to try living completely by myself in order to affirm that I can keep a household together by myself, without any help. However, living 10+ miles from campus/downtown ATL with no roommates or even neighbors matching my demographic gets pretty lonely. Sometimes solitude is nice, but this has been excessive. And when I had no money to go anywhere I was constrained to come back here and face that solitude.
I can certainly put up with it until my lease ends next June, but after that, I plan on making a drastic change to my living situation. Getting that fellowship would definitely help.
Anyway, as my financial situation has stabilized a bit more, I'm starting to pull myself out of the rut I was in, so that's good.
Another thing that's been going through my mind for some time now is a new intrigue of sorts, which has by this point escalated quite a bit. However, I've got this really pesky avoidant side to my personality, and I've been out of the game for quite a while now, as my failings in the past drove me to take an extended break of sorts (well, let's be fair: that break had a very nice interruption or two back in the spring, but that's not gonna help me at all here). And of course, there are existing extrinsic factors which add to my hesitation, one of which I accidentally stumbled upon extremely recently (and if I hadn't been so damned ambivalent in the first place, perhaps would not even be a factor right now). So really, I feel like I'm back at square one. And that's what the old days were all about. Although I'm not at the point of giving up yet, I'm kinda close. The only thing I can do to avoid that is just grow a goddamn pair.
So that whole hesitance thing is one of the "rut contributors." It's really funny how feeling that way about someone can really throw even the strongest of men off their game (not that I'm among the strongest of men, but I hardly consider myself weak, in general).
Although, I guess a thing about the situation that looks favorable is that she's not under 5 feet...
I think I need another trip to Stone Mountain to watch the sun set against the city. Supposedly you can get epiphanies from stuff like that. And maybe there won't be as much smoggy haze this time.