Who I am.
I was supposed to write a paper for psychology about the supposed "real me" and how we hide our true selves from the outside world in order to protect ourselves. So I was supposed to write something about who I am, my values, etc. But we all know that that'd just be bullshit. Cause for how honest I am, I am really the king of bullshit. (I omitted gayness, my aversion to vaginas, just quick examples)
.So I decided in an effort not to bullshit, I am going to tell all of my eljay friends who I am. Honestly, and truthfully. Just Sam. No sleek Yushi topcoat.
First of all, who I am is probably nothing like how you know me. If you're reading this for the first time, that is. People that have read my journal lately know how I've felt about a certain number of issues, but there are some things that are intimate. That are deeper then the shallow waters of Yushi-dom.
Admit it, I come off as a shallow person, all talk and no real substance. It's fine to admit it, I know that's how I behave. I say words I shouldn't because I supposedly hate censorship, when really I have such a poor standard for myself (including my looks) that I feel like I have to make people laugh, and since I'm really not good at anything, i tell jokes that are (really) inappropriate. I'm cutting back though, I swear, and they'll be less offensive. I think.
For as arrogant as I come off, I am highly, highly paranoid. I know there are people that don't like me, and it really does tear me up when they don't. I say it doesn't bug me, but it truly truly does. I know I'm not a universal object. And I never have been. But for a while, I was kind of popular out there, beyond high school. It's fine that I'm not, and it's fine that some things have really, really changed over the past year or so. I come off as arrogant because I have a terrible, terrible sense of self. I feel like I'm an ugly fat cow most of the time. My dad, for years, referred to me as the "little pig" of the family, and that man has really fucked up my body image issues.
I'm fucking needy as all hell. I know I am. And I know it pisses people off. I really, really know. I think it stems from how insanely paranoid I am. Because I really am. When I say I hate when my social circles overlap, I really mean I hate it. When my High School Friends/Real World friends intertwine with my Nobrand friends, I lose my shit. It's because I'm paranoid, because I have secrets, I really do. I don't even know why I keep them all, honestly. A lot of what I say is probably embellished somehow is really a big one, that's less of a secret, more of a comedic/ storytelling device.
I don't even know what secrets I have. I mean, I've always been honest with people, I guess when people don't treat me with the same courtesy, I kind of have a teeny anxiety attack, I don't know what it is.
Speaking of my mental health problems, for as much as I say I love people, if I'm cooped up for more then two hours in one place, I lose my shit. I have to go outside/run around the block/drive/something because I can't stand it. I feel like people are expecting something from me that I can't give them. I feel like everything depends on me all the time, and I hate having a hero complex. Because I'm not the hero, and that's fine. I don't want to be the hero anymore, I'm so tired of saving everyone around me and feeling like I'm obligated to step in whenever someone fucks something up. God if I had a dollar for every single time it happens. There are exceptions, I like helping a lot of the time, but a lot of the time I need someone to listen, and I feel like I haven't had that for a while. Like a stable person to talk to about my problems that understands me, because no one really gets me. And I think if people knew who I was, people wouldn't be able to be around me. But I don't care anymore.
I'm a sort of recovering alcoholic. All last summer, (or as I call it, the second downfall) I really lost my mind and decided it would be good to do nothing but the following: 1. Drink, 2. Smoke 3. Run. These three in tandem make you even more crazy then you thought you were before. KakkoiCon, for me, was awful, only because I knew I was acting insane, and I couldn't fucking stop myself, and I still feel like I'm not completely redeemed for that, and I feel like all of the stupid shit I did that weekend is going to crawl out of me any second. Ugh, guilt. Maybe this horrid anxiety feeling is guilt?
At least I don't have to poop when I feel guilty.
I haven't had as much of, and never will be as good as I say I am, with sex. I have had sex with a grand total of four people. Four. I'll repeat that again. Four. I was never some grand whore like I made myself out to be, and no I really don't think it'd be fun. Although I feel like I'm starting the cycle of fuck everyone all the time, but really, no. I'm honestly not even sure I'm that good at it. Lately I've been impossibly ready. I don't really know what it is, but every time I enter into, or even think about, getting into a relationship, my anxiety factor goes through the roof and I feel like I need to fuck everything, all the time.
Within the NoBrand circle, since joining staff, I feel a crushing sense of responsibility for everything and anything I say suddenly. And I feel like I'm far more contained in comparison to how uncontained I used to be. I'm not influential, I'm not even all that important. To go from a kind of well-known congoer to a nobody dreg again really sucks. To be honest, I like being on staff, but I feel like I have to claw my way up again, and I hate having an overt amount of responsibility for everything, so my social climb isn't actually going to happen. I tell you, a person without goals is a person hardly worthy of being alive. In a way, being on staff has helped me grow up a little bit this year. It's just changed the perception of who I am a lot.
I've been considering leaving Eau Claire, and by extension, NoBrandCon, for a while now.
I don't need anyone to tell me the con would be different without me. No it wouldn't. Admit it, please. I'm not a central figure. I'm not Vinnk, and I'm not GreenBoy, and I'm not the Gardening Ninja. And I'm sure as shit not Duct Tape Boy. I'm not a person that's necessary to you having fun, please don't put me on that pedestal. Saying this right now hurts me a lot. NoBrand was and is probably responsible for me being here today. See, my first nobrand fell right after the rape/drop out/people dying shit, and I was going through a lot. So I figured, fuck, I might as well enjoy myself. And I did, and I'm alive because of it. Saying I'm thinking about leaving, after four years, five cons, lots of booze, lots of friends, everything, after all that. Eau Claire is killing me. Nobrand is probably my favorite thing throughout the year, I mean that absolutely, I literally get the dates and plan out my year based around it. But there's something that's been missing for me since 2007's con, I don't know what it is, and I'd really like to find out what.
The big one.
For the last year or so, I have felt dead. I have turned cold, harsh, and the alcoholism probably didn't help. I reached the point in my life where nothing, I mean nothing, was going right. My finances are shot to hell, my dad was and is an asshole (hardly does his level of awful justice) my parents might still lose the houses, my dad's unemployed, I get anxious every time I go to work, my mom's getting worse, and I was, very alone. I was very isolated from many people I loved, I didn't have a license, and there were about four or five people I really saw at least once a week. I have become an emotional deadzone, feeling a mixture of about four different emotions, and I have absolutely no emotional depth anymore. The creeping isolation, along with all of the horrid things happening all at once, really caused me to lock myself away, to freeze myself up.
I have trouble letting people get anywhere near me on an emotional level. I don't feel alive anymore, and I really wonder why I'm still here most days, tbh. I've lost a lot of myself, I've lost a lot of who I was, who I am. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't know who I'm seeing anymore, I have no sense of self, and I am completely off center. It's like a big magnet inside of me shifted from my waist to my chest.
Now before anyone gets mad at me for anything, just remember that this year's con is probably not going to be my last, I just really have to see how I feel afterwards to make a decision.
It's not emo QQ'ing, I just have this weight that needed to go away
.So I decided in an effort not to bullshit, I am going to tell all of my eljay friends who I am. Honestly, and truthfully. Just Sam. No sleek Yushi topcoat.
First of all, who I am is probably nothing like how you know me. If you're reading this for the first time, that is. People that have read my journal lately know how I've felt about a certain number of issues, but there are some things that are intimate. That are deeper then the shallow waters of Yushi-dom.
Admit it, I come off as a shallow person, all talk and no real substance. It's fine to admit it, I know that's how I behave. I say words I shouldn't because I supposedly hate censorship, when really I have such a poor standard for myself (including my looks) that I feel like I have to make people laugh, and since I'm really not good at anything, i tell jokes that are (really) inappropriate. I'm cutting back though, I swear, and they'll be less offensive. I think.
For as arrogant as I come off, I am highly, highly paranoid. I know there are people that don't like me, and it really does tear me up when they don't. I say it doesn't bug me, but it truly truly does. I know I'm not a universal object. And I never have been. But for a while, I was kind of popular out there, beyond high school. It's fine that I'm not, and it's fine that some things have really, really changed over the past year or so. I come off as arrogant because I have a terrible, terrible sense of self. I feel like I'm an ugly fat cow most of the time. My dad, for years, referred to me as the "little pig" of the family, and that man has really fucked up my body image issues.
I'm fucking needy as all hell. I know I am. And I know it pisses people off. I really, really know. I think it stems from how insanely paranoid I am. Because I really am. When I say I hate when my social circles overlap, I really mean I hate it. When my High School Friends/Real World friends intertwine with my Nobrand friends, I lose my shit. It's because I'm paranoid, because I have secrets, I really do. I don't even know why I keep them all, honestly. A lot of what I say is probably embellished somehow is really a big one, that's less of a secret, more of a comedic/ storytelling device.
I don't even know what secrets I have. I mean, I've always been honest with people, I guess when people don't treat me with the same courtesy, I kind of have a teeny anxiety attack, I don't know what it is.
Speaking of my mental health problems, for as much as I say I love people, if I'm cooped up for more then two hours in one place, I lose my shit. I have to go outside/run around the block/drive/something because I can't stand it. I feel like people are expecting something from me that I can't give them. I feel like everything depends on me all the time, and I hate having a hero complex. Because I'm not the hero, and that's fine. I don't want to be the hero anymore, I'm so tired of saving everyone around me and feeling like I'm obligated to step in whenever someone fucks something up. God if I had a dollar for every single time it happens. There are exceptions, I like helping a lot of the time, but a lot of the time I need someone to listen, and I feel like I haven't had that for a while. Like a stable person to talk to about my problems that understands me, because no one really gets me. And I think if people knew who I was, people wouldn't be able to be around me. But I don't care anymore.
I'm a sort of recovering alcoholic. All last summer, (or as I call it, the second downfall) I really lost my mind and decided it would be good to do nothing but the following: 1. Drink, 2. Smoke 3. Run. These three in tandem make you even more crazy then you thought you were before. KakkoiCon, for me, was awful, only because I knew I was acting insane, and I couldn't fucking stop myself, and I still feel like I'm not completely redeemed for that, and I feel like all of the stupid shit I did that weekend is going to crawl out of me any second. Ugh, guilt. Maybe this horrid anxiety feeling is guilt?
At least I don't have to poop when I feel guilty.
I haven't had as much of, and never will be as good as I say I am, with sex. I have had sex with a grand total of four people. Four. I'll repeat that again. Four. I was never some grand whore like I made myself out to be, and no I really don't think it'd be fun. Although I feel like I'm starting the cycle of fuck everyone all the time, but really, no. I'm honestly not even sure I'm that good at it. Lately I've been impossibly ready. I don't really know what it is, but every time I enter into, or even think about, getting into a relationship, my anxiety factor goes through the roof and I feel like I need to fuck everything, all the time.
Within the NoBrand circle, since joining staff, I feel a crushing sense of responsibility for everything and anything I say suddenly. And I feel like I'm far more contained in comparison to how uncontained I used to be. I'm not influential, I'm not even all that important. To go from a kind of well-known congoer to a nobody dreg again really sucks. To be honest, I like being on staff, but I feel like I have to claw my way up again, and I hate having an overt amount of responsibility for everything, so my social climb isn't actually going to happen. I tell you, a person without goals is a person hardly worthy of being alive. In a way, being on staff has helped me grow up a little bit this year. It's just changed the perception of who I am a lot.
I've been considering leaving Eau Claire, and by extension, NoBrandCon, for a while now.
I don't need anyone to tell me the con would be different without me. No it wouldn't. Admit it, please. I'm not a central figure. I'm not Vinnk, and I'm not GreenBoy, and I'm not the Gardening Ninja. And I'm sure as shit not Duct Tape Boy. I'm not a person that's necessary to you having fun, please don't put me on that pedestal. Saying this right now hurts me a lot. NoBrand was and is probably responsible for me being here today. See, my first nobrand fell right after the rape/drop out/people dying shit, and I was going through a lot. So I figured, fuck, I might as well enjoy myself. And I did, and I'm alive because of it. Saying I'm thinking about leaving, after four years, five cons, lots of booze, lots of friends, everything, after all that. Eau Claire is killing me. Nobrand is probably my favorite thing throughout the year, I mean that absolutely, I literally get the dates and plan out my year based around it. But there's something that's been missing for me since 2007's con, I don't know what it is, and I'd really like to find out what.
The big one.
For the last year or so, I have felt dead. I have turned cold, harsh, and the alcoholism probably didn't help. I reached the point in my life where nothing, I mean nothing, was going right. My finances are shot to hell, my dad was and is an asshole (hardly does his level of awful justice) my parents might still lose the houses, my dad's unemployed, I get anxious every time I go to work, my mom's getting worse, and I was, very alone. I was very isolated from many people I loved, I didn't have a license, and there were about four or five people I really saw at least once a week. I have become an emotional deadzone, feeling a mixture of about four different emotions, and I have absolutely no emotional depth anymore. The creeping isolation, along with all of the horrid things happening all at once, really caused me to lock myself away, to freeze myself up.
I have trouble letting people get anywhere near me on an emotional level. I don't feel alive anymore, and I really wonder why I'm still here most days, tbh. I've lost a lot of myself, I've lost a lot of who I was, who I am. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't know who I'm seeing anymore, I have no sense of self, and I am completely off center. It's like a big magnet inside of me shifted from my waist to my chest.
Now before anyone gets mad at me for anything, just remember that this year's con is probably not going to be my last, I just really have to see how I feel afterwards to make a decision.
It's not emo QQ'ing, I just have this weight that needed to go away