why do I lie, is it just to get by? if fortune is favor, then I am in labor.
today: worst anniversary ever.
went to see dr. pat. he put me on more pills. yay for me.
everyone in my english class despises me just because ms kelly liked the metaphors I wrote for homework last night.
on a lab sheet I had filled out today to go get some blood work done...it said that I had crohn's.
I don't know if this is true or not.
right now it is a big concern for me.
but also is this aaron crap that won't stop.
I don't know. I try so hard to be fair and understanding and not to start anything bad or potentially harmful. even if I can't understand what it's like with his anxiety disorder, I try. I've researched it online and everything, just like he did when he found out about my colitis. he was there for my diagnosis, and I was there for his.
but the point is, I try so damn hard to make things work. I call, I ask questions, I send e-mail, I don't forget things, I'm always on the ball. but instead, I'm the worst girlfriend in the world.
one day was all I thought it needed to set things back to normal. if we could only just have one damn day. the day that was supposed to be ours to begin with.
even with the way I've felt... with everyone I talked to today, I didn't let my voice, my face, my actions let them know that I've cried everytime I've been alone today.
I was willing to do that. when I called him to say happy anniversary, I made myself smile. just try it, maybe it'll spread, I thought. maybe he will too. maybe I'd fool both of us, or one of us. or at least, maybe he'll find the decency to pretend like you are, just for today. just for today, I would have gladly accepted artificial tolerance. even I knew that artificial happiness was too much to ask for.
I don't want to get in to the details of what all happened today. all that needs to be known is that it was all bad. bad, then worse, then wondering if it's been four years too long.
I don't think I deserve either the pleasure or the pain.
and he thinks that he has nothing good in his life... not one thing.
and then I cried.
and then he scolded me, saying I should know better, that I know damn well that it's a given that that doesn't include me.
but with the way he acts, how *do* I know? how can I?
especially when maybe I've thought that too. and was taking him into consideration.
I just don't know. I really don't.
this is the first day of 2003 I've looked forward to. and it was the worst one I've had yet.
sometimes I wonder, sometimes for longer than at other times... it's so hard not to wonder if I'd be better off dead.
or if I had just never expected anything from the beginning.
went to see dr. pat. he put me on more pills. yay for me.
everyone in my english class despises me just because ms kelly liked the metaphors I wrote for homework last night.
on a lab sheet I had filled out today to go get some blood work done...it said that I had crohn's.
I don't know if this is true or not.
right now it is a big concern for me.
but also is this aaron crap that won't stop.
I don't know. I try so hard to be fair and understanding and not to start anything bad or potentially harmful. even if I can't understand what it's like with his anxiety disorder, I try. I've researched it online and everything, just like he did when he found out about my colitis. he was there for my diagnosis, and I was there for his.
but the point is, I try so damn hard to make things work. I call, I ask questions, I send e-mail, I don't forget things, I'm always on the ball. but instead, I'm the worst girlfriend in the world.
one day was all I thought it needed to set things back to normal. if we could only just have one damn day. the day that was supposed to be ours to begin with.
even with the way I've felt... with everyone I talked to today, I didn't let my voice, my face, my actions let them know that I've cried everytime I've been alone today.
I was willing to do that. when I called him to say happy anniversary, I made myself smile. just try it, maybe it'll spread, I thought. maybe he will too. maybe I'd fool both of us, or one of us. or at least, maybe he'll find the decency to pretend like you are, just for today. just for today, I would have gladly accepted artificial tolerance. even I knew that artificial happiness was too much to ask for.
I don't want to get in to the details of what all happened today. all that needs to be known is that it was all bad. bad, then worse, then wondering if it's been four years too long.
I don't think I deserve either the pleasure or the pain.
and he thinks that he has nothing good in his life... not one thing.
and then I cried.
and then he scolded me, saying I should know better, that I know damn well that it's a given that that doesn't include me.
but with the way he acts, how *do* I know? how can I?
especially when maybe I've thought that too. and was taking him into consideration.
I just don't know. I really don't.
this is the first day of 2003 I've looked forward to. and it was the worst one I've had yet.
sometimes I wonder, sometimes for longer than at other times... it's so hard not to wonder if I'd be better off dead.
or if I had just never expected anything from the beginning.