did I really just do that?
so I modeled for bernard's paintings today.
...mostly nude.
.......
...yeah, that pretty much sums up my reaction, too.
I got to arlene and bernard's condo at noon and after about a half hour of chatting the camera came out. arlene left to go to the laundromat and pick up a pizza, leaving me and bernard to...work? and I thought that maybe we'd take it slow at first, just do some headshots... but I was surprised to hear that he wanted me to put on a shirt he'd laid out for me, and to remove my tanktop. and then it became apparent to me that even the portraits would be with minimal or no clothing.
for the first few pictures, I had the shirt on (unbuttoned) and my skirt, but then I was instructed to remove the shirt. eventually, the skirt was gone, too. and I felt sooooooo weird about it.
actually, typing this all out is sort of making my head want to explode.
anyhow, he took about 4 rolls' worth of photos of me. I felt glad that I would make some kind of movement in between poses and he'd say, "that's it!! right there!! hold it! that's beautiful." and then I felt like I was maybe worth painting, just for that split second. but most of the time, I'd be posed, waiting for the flash to hit me, and I'd be imagining how I must look, or I'd see myself in a mirror. and all I could think then was... why would he want to paint me?
los angeles is a huge city. too huge, in fact. and it's filled with beautiful-- although some very fake and artificial and even sad-- women. I knew that he wanted to paint me mostly because my personality stuck out to him, but he also said that I have "a very interesting face and features." I'm not...entirely sure what that means. but I just don't see why I'm so worthy of painting.
I'm just so self-conscious. and my body truly looks terrible right now and I'm honestly pretty ashamed of it. it makes me wish bernard would paint me later, after I've gone to the gym for a few months! or that he could paint me back down to my high school weight. I looked fucking awesome in high school, and I had no idea whatsoever. that makes me sick. I hate the media.
anyhow. I feel weird... almost like I need a shower.
I think part of that is because their dog leapt all over me, though. ick.
I guess I'll just see how this goes...
...mostly nude.
.......
...yeah, that pretty much sums up my reaction, too.
I got to arlene and bernard's condo at noon and after about a half hour of chatting the camera came out. arlene left to go to the laundromat and pick up a pizza, leaving me and bernard to...work? and I thought that maybe we'd take it slow at first, just do some headshots... but I was surprised to hear that he wanted me to put on a shirt he'd laid out for me, and to remove my tanktop. and then it became apparent to me that even the portraits would be with minimal or no clothing.
for the first few pictures, I had the shirt on (unbuttoned) and my skirt, but then I was instructed to remove the shirt. eventually, the skirt was gone, too. and I felt sooooooo weird about it.
actually, typing this all out is sort of making my head want to explode.
anyhow, he took about 4 rolls' worth of photos of me. I felt glad that I would make some kind of movement in between poses and he'd say, "that's it!! right there!! hold it! that's beautiful." and then I felt like I was maybe worth painting, just for that split second. but most of the time, I'd be posed, waiting for the flash to hit me, and I'd be imagining how I must look, or I'd see myself in a mirror. and all I could think then was... why would he want to paint me?
los angeles is a huge city. too huge, in fact. and it's filled with beautiful-- although some very fake and artificial and even sad-- women. I knew that he wanted to paint me mostly because my personality stuck out to him, but he also said that I have "a very interesting face and features." I'm not...entirely sure what that means. but I just don't see why I'm so worthy of painting.
I'm just so self-conscious. and my body truly looks terrible right now and I'm honestly pretty ashamed of it. it makes me wish bernard would paint me later, after I've gone to the gym for a few months! or that he could paint me back down to my high school weight. I looked fucking awesome in high school, and I had no idea whatsoever. that makes me sick. I hate the media.
anyhow. I feel weird... almost like I need a shower.
I think part of that is because their dog leapt all over me, though. ick.
I guess I'll just see how this goes...