get yer heeeeead sprung.....
so I haven't been updating much. and when I do update, it's a real doozy, like last week. but there were no SWAT teams this weekend...just arguing with a stupid traffic cop at the bowling alley on friday night.
last week was midterms, and it was extremely hellish. I had to record the animatic (animated storyboard) for my film and synch it with my soundtrack. austin helped me edit my music, but it was still really, really hard work. I'm still so tired from last week...I feel like I just need a vacation. when I think about animating, I just get really "ugh, leave me alone"-ish.
also last week, I got work study. unfortunately, it's with jan and arlene again... but it seems like I'll be working mainly for arlene, kinda as an assistant. whatever, money is money... and I'm gonna need a lot of it for the anniversary next month...
on friday I picked up some photos I took in to be developed at the bookstore. I got some good shots... I uploaded them on my yahoo! album, in the austin, kreeton, and LMU albums. not all of them have descriptions yet, but they're worth checking out.
I also got a packge from mom that same day, containing the new phil collins cd!!! I wish I could give my mommy a big hug. I miss being a little kid and sleeping with her on the couch, or falling asleep while resting my head on her chest. I was doing that with austin this weekend, sleeping on top of his chest, and it felt so comforting.
that night I went out bowling with austin, jesse, ashley, calvin, and calvin's friend fish. we went to eat at a shakey's pizza. it was like going through a time warp. I flashed back to all the birthday parties I had at shakey's when I was little... stealing little corns from the salad bar... playing the crappy video games... good times, kids.
bowling was fun, even though austin felt kinda gross and his car almost got towed. I snuggled with him in the chairs by our lane. he sat me in his lap and bounced me up and down and I was utterly delighted.
calvin was particularly good at being a showsman during his turns, sliding up on his knees and throwing the ball down the lane. we played a game where we just acted as silly as we wanted to. I sat on my butt and tried pushing the ball down the lane, but I didn't have the upper body strength required to really do any damage to the pins. jesse threw some under his leg, and ashley sent some almost straight down through the alley with her mighty el presidente force. it was remarkable.
on saturday, austin and I had a committment to go to a birthday party in long beach... julie's daughter's birthday. satine is actually austin's goddaughter, and lany is her godmother, so there was no way they weren't going to go. when we got there, I got really sad. I felt all warm and fuzzy watching 3-year old satine glide around in her snow white dress, but it reminded me even more of just how badly I want my own children. I get jealous of people for having such cute kids, and when I see people who don't want to or don't belong being parents, it makes me particularly upset. I think I have fantasies about being a mother every single day... it's a dream I've had even longer than my dream of becoming an animator.
I wasn't sad so much about the envy as I was about the state that satine was in. I shouldn't get in to details, but the short and short of it is that it extremely saddens me to see children who aren't being as loved as they deserve to be. while julie, lany, dave, and austin sat at a distance from the yard talking about stuff that wasn't very appropriate for young ears, I couldn't take my eyes off of satine, sitting at the backyard table in the dark, alone, playing with her electronic toys. she turned the screen of her princess laptop (a gift from austin, his mom and I) towards all of us, the lcd display flashing the letters of the alphabet, accompanied by cinderella's voice singing the abc song. she sang along with the letters as best as she could. most of the time, it was just me watching her. I mouthed the letters with her and smiled, appluaded her when she compelted the song, and repeated the process for as many times as she desired, but that was about all the attention she got while she sat there all alone. it was a really sad image for me. I felt so saddened by it that my stomach started to rebel inside of me.
well....shouldn't dwell on that.
that night, though, we finally went to go see napoleon dynamite. it was pretty funny... I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind while watching it that made it even funnier. even austin thought it was a good time. "GOD!! idiot!!!"...priceless.
and yesterday was just a sunday at home, doing laundry and barbequing. it was very laid back.... that is, until I stood too close to the barbeque and burned a huge hole through one of my prettiest skirts. ass.
I've felt really reflective lately, maybe because my mind and my body seem to both have just suddenly slowed down so much. I can't stop thinking about just how badly I want to spend the rest of my life with austin, how I want to never have to leave his side. I had the most beautiful dreams about us last night, and when I woke up, I was so sad that I was alone. turned out that he had felt the same way, because he sent me a message saying "I miss snuggling with you-- I woke up this morning lonely. I love you with all my heart."
I've also been thinking a lot about how I view myself and my identity. I've been thinking about how location plays a role in identity and how my home in seattle and my life in los angeles, even in la verne, has impacted me and formed me as a person.
while we were at the bowling alley on friday, and I was sitting in austin's lap, I looked at the girls on the lanes to the sides of us. both of them had tiny, wee-waisted girls who were wearing tight jeans and cinched little tops. they had perfect, naturally straight hair, delicately applied make-up, and had guys that were all over them.
austin leaned his head across my chest and I bent down to whisper into his ear. "I wish I was tiny," I said.
he looked up and asked me why I would say that.
I pointed out the other girls and told him I felt really unattractive. then I asked him if I was crushing him under my weight and if he needed me to get off his lap.
he put his hand over my cheek and looked me in the eyes. "you are tiny," he said. I said, no I'm not, I'm only tiny compared to you because you're a guy. and then he kissed me, and he told me I was beautiful. after he said it, he looked at me very stoicly, convincing me that he meant it just by the language of his eyes.
he kept telling me all weekend how he thinks I'm so pretty. we would be lying in bed, and he would be kissing me for a long time, and then he would do it again, look at me and tell me I was so, so beautiful. he said it as if he meant not just by my features, but by what he saw inside of me, too.
it reminded me of one of my very favorite scenes from eternal sunshine.
clemintine is talking to joel underneath the sheets about how she had a doll when she was a small girl that she called clementine, because it was so ugly. she would tell it to be pretty, and hope that it one day would be, and that it would magically change her too. and then joel gets on top of her and slowly kisses her all over, and whispers, "you're pretty... you're pretty..." over and over.
it's something I've always secretly wished austin would do for me. and then he did it.
I still feel bad when I see all the gorgeous tiny girls walking around the campus here. but I bet they don't have their own austins, and if they do, well... it's hard to know someone when all you see is what they want people to see.
I kinda don't know how to phrase things like that.
I've been typing for a long time....and I'm very tired.
I think maybe I should try to rest for awhile.
last week was midterms, and it was extremely hellish. I had to record the animatic (animated storyboard) for my film and synch it with my soundtrack. austin helped me edit my music, but it was still really, really hard work. I'm still so tired from last week...I feel like I just need a vacation. when I think about animating, I just get really "ugh, leave me alone"-ish.
also last week, I got work study. unfortunately, it's with jan and arlene again... but it seems like I'll be working mainly for arlene, kinda as an assistant. whatever, money is money... and I'm gonna need a lot of it for the anniversary next month...
on friday I picked up some photos I took in to be developed at the bookstore. I got some good shots... I uploaded them on my yahoo! album, in the austin, kreeton, and LMU albums. not all of them have descriptions yet, but they're worth checking out.
I also got a packge from mom that same day, containing the new phil collins cd!!! I wish I could give my mommy a big hug. I miss being a little kid and sleeping with her on the couch, or falling asleep while resting my head on her chest. I was doing that with austin this weekend, sleeping on top of his chest, and it felt so comforting.
that night I went out bowling with austin, jesse, ashley, calvin, and calvin's friend fish. we went to eat at a shakey's pizza. it was like going through a time warp. I flashed back to all the birthday parties I had at shakey's when I was little... stealing little corns from the salad bar... playing the crappy video games... good times, kids.
bowling was fun, even though austin felt kinda gross and his car almost got towed. I snuggled with him in the chairs by our lane. he sat me in his lap and bounced me up and down and I was utterly delighted.
calvin was particularly good at being a showsman during his turns, sliding up on his knees and throwing the ball down the lane. we played a game where we just acted as silly as we wanted to. I sat on my butt and tried pushing the ball down the lane, but I didn't have the upper body strength required to really do any damage to the pins. jesse threw some under his leg, and ashley sent some almost straight down through the alley with her mighty el presidente force. it was remarkable.
on saturday, austin and I had a committment to go to a birthday party in long beach... julie's daughter's birthday. satine is actually austin's goddaughter, and lany is her godmother, so there was no way they weren't going to go. when we got there, I got really sad. I felt all warm and fuzzy watching 3-year old satine glide around in her snow white dress, but it reminded me even more of just how badly I want my own children. I get jealous of people for having such cute kids, and when I see people who don't want to or don't belong being parents, it makes me particularly upset. I think I have fantasies about being a mother every single day... it's a dream I've had even longer than my dream of becoming an animator.
I wasn't sad so much about the envy as I was about the state that satine was in. I shouldn't get in to details, but the short and short of it is that it extremely saddens me to see children who aren't being as loved as they deserve to be. while julie, lany, dave, and austin sat at a distance from the yard talking about stuff that wasn't very appropriate for young ears, I couldn't take my eyes off of satine, sitting at the backyard table in the dark, alone, playing with her electronic toys. she turned the screen of her princess laptop (a gift from austin, his mom and I) towards all of us, the lcd display flashing the letters of the alphabet, accompanied by cinderella's voice singing the abc song. she sang along with the letters as best as she could. most of the time, it was just me watching her. I mouthed the letters with her and smiled, appluaded her when she compelted the song, and repeated the process for as many times as she desired, but that was about all the attention she got while she sat there all alone. it was a really sad image for me. I felt so saddened by it that my stomach started to rebel inside of me.
well....shouldn't dwell on that.
that night, though, we finally went to go see napoleon dynamite. it was pretty funny... I had a lot of thoughts going through my mind while watching it that made it even funnier. even austin thought it was a good time. "GOD!! idiot!!!"...priceless.
and yesterday was just a sunday at home, doing laundry and barbequing. it was very laid back.... that is, until I stood too close to the barbeque and burned a huge hole through one of my prettiest skirts. ass.
I've felt really reflective lately, maybe because my mind and my body seem to both have just suddenly slowed down so much. I can't stop thinking about just how badly I want to spend the rest of my life with austin, how I want to never have to leave his side. I had the most beautiful dreams about us last night, and when I woke up, I was so sad that I was alone. turned out that he had felt the same way, because he sent me a message saying "I miss snuggling with you-- I woke up this morning lonely. I love you with all my heart."
I've also been thinking a lot about how I view myself and my identity. I've been thinking about how location plays a role in identity and how my home in seattle and my life in los angeles, even in la verne, has impacted me and formed me as a person.
while we were at the bowling alley on friday, and I was sitting in austin's lap, I looked at the girls on the lanes to the sides of us. both of them had tiny, wee-waisted girls who were wearing tight jeans and cinched little tops. they had perfect, naturally straight hair, delicately applied make-up, and had guys that were all over them.
austin leaned his head across my chest and I bent down to whisper into his ear. "I wish I was tiny," I said.
he looked up and asked me why I would say that.
I pointed out the other girls and told him I felt really unattractive. then I asked him if I was crushing him under my weight and if he needed me to get off his lap.
he put his hand over my cheek and looked me in the eyes. "you are tiny," he said. I said, no I'm not, I'm only tiny compared to you because you're a guy. and then he kissed me, and he told me I was beautiful. after he said it, he looked at me very stoicly, convincing me that he meant it just by the language of his eyes.
he kept telling me all weekend how he thinks I'm so pretty. we would be lying in bed, and he would be kissing me for a long time, and then he would do it again, look at me and tell me I was so, so beautiful. he said it as if he meant not just by my features, but by what he saw inside of me, too.
it reminded me of one of my very favorite scenes from eternal sunshine.
clemintine is talking to joel underneath the sheets about how she had a doll when she was a small girl that she called clementine, because it was so ugly. she would tell it to be pretty, and hope that it one day would be, and that it would magically change her too. and then joel gets on top of her and slowly kisses her all over, and whispers, "you're pretty... you're pretty..." over and over.
it's something I've always secretly wished austin would do for me. and then he did it.
I still feel bad when I see all the gorgeous tiny girls walking around the campus here. but I bet they don't have their own austins, and if they do, well... it's hard to know someone when all you see is what they want people to see.
I kinda don't know how to phrase things like that.
I've been typing for a long time....and I'm very tired.
I think maybe I should try to rest for awhile.