damn them man, quit your jobs (you're better off without them)
and I really should. don told me tonight that my schedule was my problem. and my only hope for getting christmas off is if gary can take my shifts for me. and if he can, oh gary, I am forever in his debt... I will have to pray.
god damn, it is colder than a witch's tit in a copper bra. it seriously is fuggin cold tonight. but poor margie, in minnesota 18 degress is a high right now.
I got the akira books from the library. I'm halfway through the first book. it's kinda freaky, but my respect for it is increasing. I can't wait to see what that pencil cel looks like.
I screamed really hard when I drove home tonight. just because I needed to get it out of my system.
my job can go to hell, and so can my managers. please, gary, save me.
I am so depressed I don't know what to do with myself.
aaron was no help. he didn't say anything to me. he didn't seem too concerned with the fact that I'm at a record low for this year. or maybe he was just too afraid to confront it.
I cried after our short phone conversation. it's just all getting to be too much. I can't take it.
I am so unhappy. and I really am at a loss as to what to do.
I had the worst thoughts tonight. I took a bubble bath and listened to silverchair to try and settle myself. it cleaned my body up, but not my mind.
and anyone who says I have no right to feel the way I feel, or to be as sad as I am, is full of shit. this isn't something new. I really can't remember the last time I felt really, really happy. well, ok, yes I can. I felt really really happy when I got my acceptance letter to lmu. but that was short-lived because (1), I called aaron as soon as I got it, and he was an unenthusiastic jackass about it, and (2), I was worried about my 'rents washing it away by talking about money. but for a few short moments, when I got that letter and read through the envelope on my way down my snowy driveway that day in march, goddamn, I was happy. for a few short moments.
as for a period when I was happy, as in, an extended amount of time...that I have no clue of.
and even on those days when good things happened that should've guaranteed a good time- graduation, getting my license, prom, lmu orientation- those were all tainted by outside forces worrying me too much to have a good time.
and smaller things, like getting to go out with friends or having a good day at work. I always can't help but (pessimistically) think that they won't amount to anything more than temporary amusement.
I know. that's a very, very bad way to think.
and so is the fact that I've trained myself not to look forward to anything.
soon I may stop hoping altogether.
and then I'll really be screwed.
when I got out of work tonight, pissed at don and trying to keep the tears from filling my eyes, I looked up and all around at the night sky as I walked back to my car.
I couldn't see any stars.
god damn, it is colder than a witch's tit in a copper bra. it seriously is fuggin cold tonight. but poor margie, in minnesota 18 degress is a high right now.
I got the akira books from the library. I'm halfway through the first book. it's kinda freaky, but my respect for it is increasing. I can't wait to see what that pencil cel looks like.
I screamed really hard when I drove home tonight. just because I needed to get it out of my system.
my job can go to hell, and so can my managers. please, gary, save me.
I am so depressed I don't know what to do with myself.
aaron was no help. he didn't say anything to me. he didn't seem too concerned with the fact that I'm at a record low for this year. or maybe he was just too afraid to confront it.
I cried after our short phone conversation. it's just all getting to be too much. I can't take it.
I am so unhappy. and I really am at a loss as to what to do.
I had the worst thoughts tonight. I took a bubble bath and listened to silverchair to try and settle myself. it cleaned my body up, but not my mind.
and anyone who says I have no right to feel the way I feel, or to be as sad as I am, is full of shit. this isn't something new. I really can't remember the last time I felt really, really happy. well, ok, yes I can. I felt really really happy when I got my acceptance letter to lmu. but that was short-lived because (1), I called aaron as soon as I got it, and he was an unenthusiastic jackass about it, and (2), I was worried about my 'rents washing it away by talking about money. but for a few short moments, when I got that letter and read through the envelope on my way down my snowy driveway that day in march, goddamn, I was happy. for a few short moments.
as for a period when I was happy, as in, an extended amount of time...that I have no clue of.
and even on those days when good things happened that should've guaranteed a good time- graduation, getting my license, prom, lmu orientation- those were all tainted by outside forces worrying me too much to have a good time.
and smaller things, like getting to go out with friends or having a good day at work. I always can't help but (pessimistically) think that they won't amount to anything more than temporary amusement.
I know. that's a very, very bad way to think.
and so is the fact that I've trained myself not to look forward to anything.
soon I may stop hoping altogether.
and then I'll really be screwed.
when I got out of work tonight, pissed at don and trying to keep the tears from filling my eyes, I looked up and all around at the night sky as I walked back to my car.
I couldn't see any stars.