can't runaway from it
Logged onto my FB account from back home and had a friend request from the same douche that tried getting in my pants and asking these disgusting questions about my sex life(also got this person banned from kung fu cause hes a fucking predator), is now trying to add me as a friend. WTF? Not only that but hes now friends with all my goth friends back home...ugh, now I know theres nothing to go back to...no reason...just move on...live in another city, far away from that fucking dump. The only way I'd go back was for my parent's or brother's sake (if they were sick or whatever)...
Been really craving a change...and I want to say its kind of like going back to how I used to...maybe not so naive but just some little things I noticed helped me out and helped keep away guys from me. I need my rough "fuck off" exterior back. I want to cut my hair super short or just style it in a way where it doesn't look well kept or feminine anymore. I want to wear my loose pants, boots and a band tshirt like I used to. Hell, even wearing my long skirts would help. I want to not look anyone in the eye anymore. I want to make myself completely invisible. I want to close my mind off to the sexuality I opened it up to and possibly never have sex with anyone again (unless it was my ex or a girl). I'm really sick of the game, I'm sick of faking it all the time...this will be the first time I actually admit it in writing but I don't think I've actually a really GOOD orgasm. The only fulfilling thing sex has done for me was make me feel wanted. The "satisfaction" I've gotten from it was based on how good it was for the other person, and the compliments they've fed me on how good I was. It's almost like its a craft that I do cause I get enjoyed on making the other person happy. But I've had enough of it. I fake my orgasms every time. I might have had a few small ones but I think the best orgasms I've had was when I was causing them myself. And whats funny is that it has nothing to do with penetration. Even when guys have tried playing with me...it can never compare...so anyway, yeah...I think I've finally had it with the whole sex thing. Every time I think about it, every time I analyze it...the more and more problems I realize it has caused me...not to mention the frustrations I get. I fucking hate birth control...I hate what it does to my body and I hate the bullshit I go through for a fucking guy just so that he can cum in me without a condom cause hes fucking lazy or "it doesn't feel as good."...Fuck you... I'm so over this shit.
And the relationship I have going on right now seems awkward. Don't know what it is but I saw this tagged image of him kissing this one girl. I know it was before he met me and I shouldn't give a shit but it just made me thing and reanalyze the whole situation. The comments on the photo were "why do I always meet the keepers hours before leaving" and "I miss you." Granted his explanations seemed reasonable but it just bothered me. 1. The chick was hotter than me, 2. He just looked so natural and loving the kiss, and 3. I'm wondering how many times hes told other girls the shit hes told me.
Whatever the case, whether he really feels that way about me or not, it put some doubt and question in my mind. In my head, its only a matter of time when he will notice another pretty toy in the shop and it also questioned my self-image. I know I still have alot of unresolved issues with my image and outlook on relationships but I can't help but feel disgusting in comparison with that chick. I haven't felt that way in a long time....honestly since Danny. I don't like it. It brought back all the weird paranoid feelings I remember going through. It even made me lose my appetite. Half the day I spent just listening to Hole and random punk albums....curled up on my bed just thinking.
my thoughts: "What the fuck am I doing and why am I doing it? Do I really need a relationship? I work fine without them, in fact, even better!"...My mind is so confused. I miss the companionship but I also get annoyed with other people quickly. I hate clinginess and I hate being relied on. I hate the possibility (and idea) of having to alter my life plans for someone else. Call me selfish or whatever but seriously what the fuck. You have one fucking life to live so might as well live it the way you fucking want to...with someone or without. I think I realized I work better without. This isn't because I;ve been hurt so many times but just that I've found my happy middle and I function just great without a significant other. I can invest so much more time and effort in other things like my art, books, work, learning new things, friendship...etc. These may not seem as important to other people, but they are to me.
The most depressing part of everything is I always attract men who don't like to read. I don't know why this bothers me so much. I feel like such a snob when it comes to that matter. All the guys I've dated have had some ADD problem and are into TV and video games. There's nothing wrong with it but I find myself aggravated at the very mere sight of a TV on MTV or VH1. I look at myself and wonder what guys really see in me on how they relate to me. I hate staying home to waste time watching tv. I'd rather spend it reading a few hours or getting off my ass and just exploring or hanging out at a coffee shop with some engaging conversation. Ugh they say opposites attract and yes at first its cute but after awhile you realize how incompatible you really are and then it just goes downhill from there.
This is getting way too long but there is just so much on my mind. I wanted to mention how sometimes I really get grossed out with kissing and other times I really like it. I even get grossed out with people's smells if its not cologne or whatever. I feel like such a bitch for feeling this way but to me it represents how far from human connection I am becoming. All these years from when I first started writing in here makes me come to the conclusion that I never really changed my outlook on like since I was 13. I still hate people the same (i just tolerate them more now)I still hate sex in a way (even though I have had it plenty of times I just realize what a pain in the ass it is worrying about diseases and getting pregnant), and I still have goals and dreams for myself that I see myself accomplishing ALONE. I have no patience or room for a significant other in my realm of goals. Call me selfish or whatever, I just don't give a fuck anymore. I refuse to end up the way the majority of human beings do (marriage, kids...etc). I might have deeper issues than I realize but at least I can say I've had experience in the things I am against now. Which back then, I was against them but had no real experience so couldn't judge based off opinion. Now its different. And funny how I end up back in the same place I started, just wiser and more of a reason to be the way I am.
Alone I stand...
Been really craving a change...and I want to say its kind of like going back to how I used to...maybe not so naive but just some little things I noticed helped me out and helped keep away guys from me. I need my rough "fuck off" exterior back. I want to cut my hair super short or just style it in a way where it doesn't look well kept or feminine anymore. I want to wear my loose pants, boots and a band tshirt like I used to. Hell, even wearing my long skirts would help. I want to not look anyone in the eye anymore. I want to make myself completely invisible. I want to close my mind off to the sexuality I opened it up to and possibly never have sex with anyone again (unless it was my ex or a girl). I'm really sick of the game, I'm sick of faking it all the time...this will be the first time I actually admit it in writing but I don't think I've actually a really GOOD orgasm. The only fulfilling thing sex has done for me was make me feel wanted. The "satisfaction" I've gotten from it was based on how good it was for the other person, and the compliments they've fed me on how good I was. It's almost like its a craft that I do cause I get enjoyed on making the other person happy. But I've had enough of it. I fake my orgasms every time. I might have had a few small ones but I think the best orgasms I've had was when I was causing them myself. And whats funny is that it has nothing to do with penetration. Even when guys have tried playing with me...it can never compare...so anyway, yeah...I think I've finally had it with the whole sex thing. Every time I think about it, every time I analyze it...the more and more problems I realize it has caused me...not to mention the frustrations I get. I fucking hate birth control...I hate what it does to my body and I hate the bullshit I go through for a fucking guy just so that he can cum in me without a condom cause hes fucking lazy or "it doesn't feel as good."...Fuck you... I'm so over this shit.
And the relationship I have going on right now seems awkward. Don't know what it is but I saw this tagged image of him kissing this one girl. I know it was before he met me and I shouldn't give a shit but it just made me thing and reanalyze the whole situation. The comments on the photo were "why do I always meet the keepers hours before leaving" and "I miss you." Granted his explanations seemed reasonable but it just bothered me. 1. The chick was hotter than me, 2. He just looked so natural and loving the kiss, and 3. I'm wondering how many times hes told other girls the shit hes told me.
Whatever the case, whether he really feels that way about me or not, it put some doubt and question in my mind. In my head, its only a matter of time when he will notice another pretty toy in the shop and it also questioned my self-image. I know I still have alot of unresolved issues with my image and outlook on relationships but I can't help but feel disgusting in comparison with that chick. I haven't felt that way in a long time....honestly since Danny. I don't like it. It brought back all the weird paranoid feelings I remember going through. It even made me lose my appetite. Half the day I spent just listening to Hole and random punk albums....curled up on my bed just thinking.
my thoughts: "What the fuck am I doing and why am I doing it? Do I really need a relationship? I work fine without them, in fact, even better!"...My mind is so confused. I miss the companionship but I also get annoyed with other people quickly. I hate clinginess and I hate being relied on. I hate the possibility (and idea) of having to alter my life plans for someone else. Call me selfish or whatever but seriously what the fuck. You have one fucking life to live so might as well live it the way you fucking want to...with someone or without. I think I realized I work better without. This isn't because I;ve been hurt so many times but just that I've found my happy middle and I function just great without a significant other. I can invest so much more time and effort in other things like my art, books, work, learning new things, friendship...etc. These may not seem as important to other people, but they are to me.
The most depressing part of everything is I always attract men who don't like to read. I don't know why this bothers me so much. I feel like such a snob when it comes to that matter. All the guys I've dated have had some ADD problem and are into TV and video games. There's nothing wrong with it but I find myself aggravated at the very mere sight of a TV on MTV or VH1. I look at myself and wonder what guys really see in me on how they relate to me. I hate staying home to waste time watching tv. I'd rather spend it reading a few hours or getting off my ass and just exploring or hanging out at a coffee shop with some engaging conversation. Ugh they say opposites attract and yes at first its cute but after awhile you realize how incompatible you really are and then it just goes downhill from there.
This is getting way too long but there is just so much on my mind. I wanted to mention how sometimes I really get grossed out with kissing and other times I really like it. I even get grossed out with people's smells if its not cologne or whatever. I feel like such a bitch for feeling this way but to me it represents how far from human connection I am becoming. All these years from when I first started writing in here makes me come to the conclusion that I never really changed my outlook on like since I was 13. I still hate people the same (i just tolerate them more now)I still hate sex in a way (even though I have had it plenty of times I just realize what a pain in the ass it is worrying about diseases and getting pregnant), and I still have goals and dreams for myself that I see myself accomplishing ALONE. I have no patience or room for a significant other in my realm of goals. Call me selfish or whatever, I just don't give a fuck anymore. I refuse to end up the way the majority of human beings do (marriage, kids...etc). I might have deeper issues than I realize but at least I can say I've had experience in the things I am against now. Which back then, I was against them but had no real experience so couldn't judge based off opinion. Now its different. And funny how I end up back in the same place I started, just wiser and more of a reason to be the way I am.
Alone I stand...