Another day
-Another day-
Each day gets a little easier but by late night it's at its worst.
What the hell am I doing with my life? At least I had someone to share it with before. Now I just go around completely alone. It's almost like I have less aura or energies around my body to keep me warm. I've been feeling quite cold. When I walk to my deliveries I feel smaller and shorter... and cold. Thinner and less dense. I don't feel like being around people because I get waves of depression and just want to cry. When i'm alone I can do that and get it over with and feel slightly better.
-That unattainable perfect conbination-
I certainly don't want boy attention right now. Words gotten out that I'm single and the boys who were interested in me before are now calling me. That's not cool. I don't think I'll have sex for a long time, I don't think I'll be able to ..feel.. for a long time. There's no way i'll be able to find that combination for a LONG TIME if not forever. The perfect combination of bad ass-sweet heart. Just what i've been looking for. The perfect combination of simple life/small town boy-curious about outside world. No one in portland gives 2 shits about cars. No one understands my hobby, they think it's stupid. I can't be with someone like that. I need a small town boy who is into cars but is intelligent enough to take me to a higher level. Oh yeah, and he has to be a total sweetheart like Tim. Lots of respect.
-BORED?-
Maybe eventually i would have gotten bored with the pot-smoking, tv watching, cigarette burning slug that he often is, but he always had a silly personality and a bit of life in him that was itching to get out of his body. If I did get bored, it'd only be briefly.. in the end I always come back to the simple boys because they're stable. (this is my taurus side). Sometimes I get spurts of energy and I want to travel the world, but I still come back to the one I truely love. (not that i ever said i truely loved him)... I just liked him.... a lot. Denial much?
-I WONDER-
I just wonder what he's thinking and feeling right now. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he's happy with his decision. I wonder if he has totally the wrong idea of what I wanted. I wonder if he thinks I got too attached. I wonder if he regrets dropping me. I wonder if he's happy sleeping alone. I wonder if he stays warm at night. I wonder if he misses holding me or being held. I wonder if he's perhaps completely FINE. I wonder if he's planning on calling me. I wonder if he has a target date. I wonder if he wants something a little more. I wonder if we'll get to hang out again. I wonder if I'll get to touch him again. I wonder if i'm romanticizing way too much.
You'd think it would be easier to communicate with eachother. I mean, we both speak english. But sometimes you can't say exactly what you mean, or they're not listening, or they just simply don't understand the idea you're trying to relay. Sometimes you could say something and they could take the entirely opposite meaning. So I try to see it from their perspective. Then over-analyzing, anxiety, and confusion keeps words from coming out right. Then the fact that we're still talking about it sets it which is slightly annoying for both parties... then it all goes to fuck and everyone is hurt and confused and there IS NO EXPLINATION.
Then you realize, there's no point in talking about it, it gets you nowhere... if you keep talking, it doesn't answer more questions, it might even bring up more. In fact, you have to accept that there is no answer, no explination, it's just fucked and it's not going to end until you just... give... up...
Each day gets a little easier but by late night it's at its worst.
What the hell am I doing with my life? At least I had someone to share it with before. Now I just go around completely alone. It's almost like I have less aura or energies around my body to keep me warm. I've been feeling quite cold. When I walk to my deliveries I feel smaller and shorter... and cold. Thinner and less dense. I don't feel like being around people because I get waves of depression and just want to cry. When i'm alone I can do that and get it over with and feel slightly better.
-That unattainable perfect conbination-
I certainly don't want boy attention right now. Words gotten out that I'm single and the boys who were interested in me before are now calling me. That's not cool. I don't think I'll have sex for a long time, I don't think I'll be able to ..feel.. for a long time. There's no way i'll be able to find that combination for a LONG TIME if not forever. The perfect combination of bad ass-sweet heart. Just what i've been looking for. The perfect combination of simple life/small town boy-curious about outside world. No one in portland gives 2 shits about cars. No one understands my hobby, they think it's stupid. I can't be with someone like that. I need a small town boy who is into cars but is intelligent enough to take me to a higher level. Oh yeah, and he has to be a total sweetheart like Tim. Lots of respect.
-BORED?-
Maybe eventually i would have gotten bored with the pot-smoking, tv watching, cigarette burning slug that he often is, but he always had a silly personality and a bit of life in him that was itching to get out of his body. If I did get bored, it'd only be briefly.. in the end I always come back to the simple boys because they're stable. (this is my taurus side). Sometimes I get spurts of energy and I want to travel the world, but I still come back to the one I truely love. (not that i ever said i truely loved him)... I just liked him.... a lot. Denial much?
-I WONDER-
I just wonder what he's thinking and feeling right now. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he's happy with his decision. I wonder if he has totally the wrong idea of what I wanted. I wonder if he thinks I got too attached. I wonder if he regrets dropping me. I wonder if he's happy sleeping alone. I wonder if he stays warm at night. I wonder if he misses holding me or being held. I wonder if he's perhaps completely FINE. I wonder if he's planning on calling me. I wonder if he has a target date. I wonder if he wants something a little more. I wonder if we'll get to hang out again. I wonder if I'll get to touch him again. I wonder if i'm romanticizing way too much.
You'd think it would be easier to communicate with eachother. I mean, we both speak english. But sometimes you can't say exactly what you mean, or they're not listening, or they just simply don't understand the idea you're trying to relay. Sometimes you could say something and they could take the entirely opposite meaning. So I try to see it from their perspective. Then over-analyzing, anxiety, and confusion keeps words from coming out right. Then the fact that we're still talking about it sets it which is slightly annoying for both parties... then it all goes to fuck and everyone is hurt and confused and there IS NO EXPLINATION.
Then you realize, there's no point in talking about it, it gets you nowhere... if you keep talking, it doesn't answer more questions, it might even bring up more. In fact, you have to accept that there is no answer, no explination, it's just fucked and it's not going to end until you just... give... up...