bittersweet sleeplessness
its stopped phasing me that i cant sleep. tryptophan or not i will forever keep my eyes wide every minute the sun is down. i watched the sunrise last night and it really reminded me of how spectacular things can be but arent. ive seen the sun rise thousands of times but alone from my living room window brings a girl down. no matter how absolutely gorgeous the pinks, oranges, and yellows look streaming across the palest of pale blue sky, it feels like an empty gaping hole if you arent gazing at it with company. almost like drinking alone. granted society has only made drinking alone as bad as it is, but you all know what it feels like and it certainly feels the same.
i have a bitter sweet emotion running through my veins. something i always feel like its going to make my body burst open. thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday and i spent the entire day skipping around the house celebrating per usual. it didnt really hit me til my dad left to grab my uncle at the train station and it was just me and mom in the kitchen, this is the first thanksgiving with out aunt doreen. how do people even forget someone isnt around anymore? i felt awful and couldnt bring myself to ask my mom how she was. i just didnt want to see tears today. we all did real good, i set the table, i always set the table and i stood at the head staring down at the 8 plates. i couldnt help but think back to 9 years old. there were 15 or so plates. 2 tables. what happened? why does it happen? i vowed to myself to have enough kids to fill an entire table so even when we must set one less plate we still will have over 10.
everything right now feels like i threw myself into an industrial fan. my brain, heart, nerves are all torn and bleeding. i dont ever entirely know why i feel this way sometimes but its terrifying. i worry a lot. i worry about things that have nothing to do with me and i have no control over. i dwell. and i absolutely hate waiting. uncertainty makes me squirm but certainty and having to wait for it is worse. no wonder i dont sleep.
i have a bitter sweet emotion running through my veins. something i always feel like its going to make my body burst open. thanksgiving is my second favorite holiday and i spent the entire day skipping around the house celebrating per usual. it didnt really hit me til my dad left to grab my uncle at the train station and it was just me and mom in the kitchen, this is the first thanksgiving with out aunt doreen. how do people even forget someone isnt around anymore? i felt awful and couldnt bring myself to ask my mom how she was. i just didnt want to see tears today. we all did real good, i set the table, i always set the table and i stood at the head staring down at the 8 plates. i couldnt help but think back to 9 years old. there were 15 or so plates. 2 tables. what happened? why does it happen? i vowed to myself to have enough kids to fill an entire table so even when we must set one less plate we still will have over 10.
everything right now feels like i threw myself into an industrial fan. my brain, heart, nerves are all torn and bleeding. i dont ever entirely know why i feel this way sometimes but its terrifying. i worry a lot. i worry about things that have nothing to do with me and i have no control over. i dwell. and i absolutely hate waiting. uncertainty makes me squirm but certainty and having to wait for it is worse. no wonder i dont sleep.