what if...
I've got so much swimming around in my head right now. The words and thoughts and ideas and notions all running into each other so that one train of thought isn't independent from another. I've got so many things that I want right now...so many things that I can't have right now... so many things that I don't think I'll ever have.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not happy. I am very happy. I just have the ultimate misfortune of being plagued with a serious case of the what if's. What if I'd stayed in Hawaii? What if I'd never gone to Hawaii in the first place? What if I'd moved back to OKC instead of to Broken Arrow? What if I said something that offended someone? What if I don't say the right thing? What if I don't react the right way? What if I offend someone?
I need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing...even at times when I'm not sure what the right thing is. I just need someone to give me a hug and tell me that even though I may not be perfect, they love me just the same. I need someone to take my hand and tell me that even though I'm not a conventional beauty, they still think I'm beautiful because of who I am. I need someone to give me that touch of affection or a glance that says you're doing alright.
I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm tired of not having a family anymore. Not to say I don't have appreciate what family I have...but I get so jealous of people who have parents and aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters and cousins and grandparents.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not happy. I am very happy. I just have the ultimate misfortune of being plagued with a serious case of the what if's. What if I'd stayed in Hawaii? What if I'd never gone to Hawaii in the first place? What if I'd moved back to OKC instead of to Broken Arrow? What if I said something that offended someone? What if I don't say the right thing? What if I don't react the right way? What if I offend someone?
I need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing...even at times when I'm not sure what the right thing is. I just need someone to give me a hug and tell me that even though I may not be perfect, they love me just the same. I need someone to take my hand and tell me that even though I'm not a conventional beauty, they still think I'm beautiful because of who I am. I need someone to give me that touch of affection or a glance that says you're doing alright.
I guess I'm just trying to say that I'm tired of not having a family anymore. Not to say I don't have appreciate what family I have...but I get so jealous of people who have parents and aunts and uncles and brothers and sisters and cousins and grandparents.