(no subject)
I'm thinking a lot about my future. You know, what am I gonna do with my life? I have a lot of stuff I'm supposed to do... I mean, I'm the oldest kid in my family. I'm supposed to be a successful woman who makes millions of dollars and is the pride of the family. But my parents never really told me I have to do this- I've always just assumed that it's expected of me. So... Either way I lose: I feel like I haven't lived up to these expectations I've put on myself and I'm letting myself down and my family down, but at the same time, if my family doesn't expect much out of me, then I really must be as sad and pathetic as I feel on the inside. Maybe I wasn't meant to be anything great, or even remotely decent.
I want to be a mom so bad. I know I would be a great mother, and it's my goal in life to raise kids. But I feel like if I were to not get my college degree (with honors) and instead started a family, people would look down on me. I have this pressure to be "more than a breeder". I dunno... I don't want to be some super business woman. I wanna be a mom. Maybe a stay-at-home mom! And if I'm gonna have a job, I don't want it to interfere with me raising my kids. And I don't want to be looked down upon because I'd rather be a mom than an archeologist or art restorer or pop icon (although if I could be a famous singer, it I certainly wouldn't hate my job, haha!). I don't wanna be judged for wanting this because it makes me judge myself, and it makes me tell myself that being a a stay-at-home mom is for women who couldn't make something of themselves, which would make me a failure.
I'm so afraid of being a failure. I stay up at night, worried that when I die, no one will have anything good to say about me.
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