(no subject)
I've had somewhat of an epiphany today. call it a part of growing up. I was sitting in english and I truely admire my teacher. She is a very educated woman and she has this understanding about the world that i can relate to. As I am sitting there and listening to her discussion about slavery, a little light bulb went off and signaled to me that I was starting to understand myself.
For so long I have been questioning what I feel and why am i feeling it. But what I am learning is not to question but accept. Not to set limits but experience. Like identity wise I have always said I am 1/2 slovak, 1/4 german, and 1/4 irish. But really what do those numbers mean? I am not taking my blood and putting it measuring cups. I am Slovak, I am German, and I am Irish. Learning about myself is really hard because I like to second guess. But I am what I am. I am blonde and blue eyed. these are things I cant change. well i could but that doesnt mean i wasnt originally something in the first place.
So then I come home and I have a tangerini ( but my version has orange rum not vodka) and I am sitting with my martini blanket watching sex and the city. I started thinking about my relationships, although none of them were never officially this or that, they were relationships. I have never had a boyfriend, but that label doesnt really apply to my life, I have had male relationships. Most of them ended with a fizzle and there were tears but they were something to help me grow up.
Learning has been difficult. and it never gets easier but that relaxing feeling of just accepting makes it easier to go through. I recognize everyone is different. It may not be me or my way but thats OK. Thats what makes life interesting. The world is many layers,there never is a right or wrong answer to life. I am not living my life how I thought I would be but that's OK. because back then I didnt know what I know now. Experience is everything. It's crazy.
At this point in my life something is missing. And I need to find what it is. It could be that I need a man in my life, because that is something yet to experience. It could be that I don't know enough about the world I live in. It could be that I need to move someplace else. and that is what I am working on at the moment. I feel lonely at night, like I dont have a true companion in my life. male or female. and i think that is what I am in search for.
For so long I have been questioning what I feel and why am i feeling it. But what I am learning is not to question but accept. Not to set limits but experience. Like identity wise I have always said I am 1/2 slovak, 1/4 german, and 1/4 irish. But really what do those numbers mean? I am not taking my blood and putting it measuring cups. I am Slovak, I am German, and I am Irish. Learning about myself is really hard because I like to second guess. But I am what I am. I am blonde and blue eyed. these are things I cant change. well i could but that doesnt mean i wasnt originally something in the first place.
So then I come home and I have a tangerini ( but my version has orange rum not vodka) and I am sitting with my martini blanket watching sex and the city. I started thinking about my relationships, although none of them were never officially this or that, they were relationships. I have never had a boyfriend, but that label doesnt really apply to my life, I have had male relationships. Most of them ended with a fizzle and there were tears but they were something to help me grow up.
Learning has been difficult. and it never gets easier but that relaxing feeling of just accepting makes it easier to go through. I recognize everyone is different. It may not be me or my way but thats OK. Thats what makes life interesting. The world is many layers,there never is a right or wrong answer to life. I am not living my life how I thought I would be but that's OK. because back then I didnt know what I know now. Experience is everything. It's crazy.
At this point in my life something is missing. And I need to find what it is. It could be that I need a man in my life, because that is something yet to experience. It could be that I don't know enough about the world I live in. It could be that I need to move someplace else. and that is what I am working on at the moment. I feel lonely at night, like I dont have a true companion in my life. male or female. and i think that is what I am in search for.