Hey today the date is 12-12 -04, but still 12-12.
Haha, yeah that's the most observant I get. So right now I'm feeling really depressed and just want to cry. I have no one to talk to. I'm so stupid and I pissed Chris off and now I have no one to talk to. I have so many regrets in these past 4 years, basically high school.
If only I could go back and do things over. I would be such a happier person. I would have made so many different decisions. Like who I dated, who I loved, and so many things I've done. If only I could go back and change things I didn't even have control over. Like my dad's job changing and him being home all the time suddenly, like my grandpa dying when he did, like my mom getting so sick and scaring me. I really should just stop myself from thinking of all the if-onlys cuz I'm already tearing up for the 2nd time tonight. There is one more tho. I wish Brett had never joined the Army and left. I guess he's happy he did it and all and that's great. But it was like we were finally getting along and close. It was always hard cuz of the 6-year age diff. but we finally were talking and stuff and I liked him being around. He's so different now and I hate it. He's such a spoiled brat sometimes now and I wish he was how he used to be. If only I could stop people from changing or even change people. Like myself, that'd be nice. If only I was the kind of person I wanted to be.
I just watched this movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, cuz supposedly everyone in my class has or is watching it, or that's what I've read. I love deep movies that make you think. Except when you're depressed and thinking makes it worse and makes you cry. Like tonight, I was crying by the end. Not cuz of what happens in the movie, but cuz of what it makes me think about. I thought about if there was anything I'd want to really erase completely from my mind. I guess if some one I loved died I'd consider it. If this was even possible. I thought about school then and I think that if I could I would erase all of high school. Yep, everything. It's sad, but I don't have any good memories or anything good from school. I've been trying to hard to change that too, but along with everything I try to do, it never works out. I just cant get anything right. People don't really help out at all, they just make me want to say screw it and give up. Nothing helps lately.
I must go work on my research paper now and do all the other things that absolutely have to get done. I hope I can even think well enough to manage. I just wish I had some one to talk to that really understood.