(no subject)
Oh what a great fucking night. No. Really. I can't type because my fingers are frozen and can't move. My parents hate me now probably. Maybe I've killed us all. God, it fucking hurts to move my fingers. So yeah, there I was trying to clean the oven for my family, figuring I might as well help out before I move out. Then my stepdad comes in and starts yelling at me for not following the safety procedures, and then procedes to say "let's read it aloud" in that condenscending tone of his, and keeps on saying it while I tell him to stop, then tells me in a stupid voice "you read aloud with me or you go to bed" which just pushed it over the limit. I told him "shut the fuck up, you asshole" and threw the can down. So he's all pissed, and yelling at me. Long story short, I ended up in the bathroom for half an hour before emerging with red eyes, and I'm about to apologize when he says "[something something blah blah] until you apologize for all that". So I say "I was just about to. And I will. I'm sorry for blah blah blah but don't EVER say 'lets read it aloud together' like that again!" And procede to explain why it pisses me off. He gets mad at me. He asks why I'm mad. What...the fucking hell. By this point I had just explained to him 5 times why I was pissed off. And then he says "so...this is what started it? Not the fact that you can't follow instructions?" So...instead of beating the shit out of him like I would have loved to, I go outside and sit down in front of the van for ...it looks like about 35 minutes. I don't move, I just sit. And I just sat and thought, and then thought for the first time in years how nice it would be to just die. Then I thought about how when I did try, my friends took me to the school therapist person. Then I realized that I have no fucking friends, that anybody who says they are is really just lying, because a friend would actually maybe return one of my letters in the mail or a phone call or an email or anything! Fuck the world! Even the people who I talk to every single day stopped emailing or mailing me 4 days ago! Why?: What the fuck did I do to you all? I'm sorry I'm so stupid! I'm sorry I'm so immature! I'm sorry for whatever I do wrong that makes it so nobody wants to talk to me! What can I fucking do?: What do I need to do? Anyone I've ever talked to has stopped talking to me. Except Nicole, but apparently I'm a mean person who does nothing but either tease her or ignore her. What should I do? If it weren't for the fact that I was so in love with her, and that I do love my little sister and brother, I'd probably just jump off my roof right now. Unfortunately, I do have feelings for these people, so I'd never do anything like that so long as I have them. Whatever. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. And it still hurts to move my fingers.