(no subject)
I am ready for a drastic change. I can hardly believe i still have a year left to deal with this! Nothing ever changes, ever... nor do people. But why should they? I think what i want and need right more than anything right now is to just be set free from any type of social binding with other people. I don't want any close friends, i dont want a boyfriend, none of that... i want associates.. people to chill with.. i dont want to get close to anyone. I don't know why i feel so strongly about the relationships i have with my friends. I think that most people need ATLEAST one person who is just always there, that person who you can share everything with. And most of the girls my age find that in their boyfriends, infact, all of them do. But i guess mine with shaun isnt strong enough.. i can understand why that would be. But anyway, if i can't have that connection with my friends, then id rather just not have them at all other than as associates. I guess its something that just bothers me a lot... always has, or atleast since pam left. Pam's my other half. I think I need her more than anything in the world right now. I don't know why i feel so safe with her.. i guess because i know without a doubt in my mind she'll always be there. Everyone else, theyll only be around for probably another year or so, if that. I think most girls find that person who will always be there in their boyfriends/girlfriends... but i dont. I think thats what makes me so different from most of my friends. Either way, im just tired of feeling hurt all the time by my friends. True, some of it i may bring upon myself... by im human. Fact is though, that i atleast make an effort and i truly care. I think my senior year is going to be all about me. It's going to be my year when I figure out who I am and do everything for myself. I need to focus on school and start saving money for college and getting everything started for after high school. I want to focus on what needs to be done and not worry about whether my friends are still going to be around in a week... its all foolish.