Friendship
I've never truely had what I would consider as a best friend, or atleast not for a very long time. It's funny.. because I think friendships can be harder to maintain than even relationships are. For as long as I can remember, I've pretty much found just that one person who i feel that I can relate to a lot and won't immediately get tired of. And we would become what I guess some would call "best friends." Since the 6th grade there has been Justina-who moved and kinda lost her mind, Ashley-stuff happened and i guess the friendship wasn't strong enough to withstand the issues,Trisha-grew apart, and Allison-haha who really knows?? But out of all of them, I honestly dont feel that any of them could be classified as what a "best friend" should be. Are my expectations high? I dont think so.. I simply want in return what i feel i give out. I've never found someone who would put their friend's problems before there own in order to help that person out, or someone who has known the true meaning of friendship and has actually truely cared. Looking back over the years, quite often have i really bent over backwards for my friends.. and I'm trying to figure out a time when someone has done that for me. Has there been any? I dont know. I've realized, too, that the older you get, that harder it is to find a girl friend who could be a best friend. Everyone has become so clicky.. most people it doesnt seem like they really have that one person as their best friend. And for the most part, teenage girls are too wrapped up into their boyfriends to even care about a friend. Everyone is so concerned about themselves and making themselves happy and figuring out who they are, as am I. But shouldn't it be easier to go through the phases of a teenagehood with a best friend, someone to turn to with all the ups and downs, someone to confide to with all of lifes little secrets, someone to consult with when times get tough. Don't most people want that someone, that one person, who they know will always be there? Or is that just me? Am i weak for feeling the way I do, feeling that I need that person? So often have I given everything i have into friendships to find that in the end, it was worthless, pointless, unrecognized, and never returned. It really gets to me a lot that things are this way. It upsets me a lot also, that I have begun to feel that friendships all together seem pointless now.. I guess because I've never had a good one. I think that for this reason, I have turned to Shaun to not only be my boyfriend, but my best friend. One of the reasons i am so attached to him is because he DOES care and he DOES try to make me happy. I've only recently realize that. But he is the one i turn to with all my problems now, if anyone at all. And he helps me. He's become like my right hand, and I dont know what I would do without him. When we were broken up, and throughout the time that we weren't talking.. i wasn't only missing the guy I'm so in love with, but my best friend! I had noone to turn to and i felt completely lost without him. I was going through all the pains of losing the companionship as friends that we've always shared, and also losing my love. The more and more I think about it, the more i realize how much of a bad thing it can be to think of him as my best friend.. because when things end, its highly doubtful that I will still be able to have that same friendship. Breaking up with him is going through twice the pain, losing a best friend and a boyfriend. But he's all I have and as of now, all i feel i really need. It's awful to depend on a guy for so much, and I'm kinda sorry to him that he has to hold so much pressure from that, if he even does. But he's great to me, he makes me happy, and he's not so concerned about all the different things in being a teenager that he doesnt even notice me. Well, I don't really have a conclusion to this entry... because my thoughts kinda drift off from there.. but thank you shaun, for being all that you are to me. I love you babe <3