Thoughts at 4am
There's a lot going on in my mind, most of which is too raw to even begin to try posting. Formed thoughts are a rarity at this hour for most people. For me they should be commonplace. Not much happened tonight, but having to do Brower this morning I preferred to keep awake and putz.
I had an interesting first meeting with Panthrix and am glad we had the chance to talk, hopefully there will be more to come in the future. Especially if he can figure out a character to introduce into the DD. *poke poke*
But since everyone went to bed and I really really don't feel like a movie or TV and nothing's really holding my attention online my mind has begun to wander. This is bad.
Self Doubt seems to be tonight's theme. All of my past failures, all my shortcomings, every let down has been dredged up and applied to everything I hope for in the future. Everything. Jobs, family, relationships, friendships, the works. It's stupidly depressing at this hour knowing that I need to go in, unload a truck then get on with my day off and the only thing I can think of is how horribly I'm going to fuck up. I managed to somewhat fix my job situation, my relationship with my family is better than it has been in years (it's always been good, but there was a lot of stress concerning school) I'm getting along with Chris (roommate Chris). So why this sudden feeling of dread?
I should explain I have a massive ego when it comes to everything outside myself. But self confidence in myself eludes me. I have suffered rejection from my peers since grade school, I had friends turn on me, I've been rejected, humiliated, laughed at, ignored and generally made to feel small and insignificant my entire life. My own ego is simply a very very immature defense, one that has never helped the problems and only served to inflate them.
I used to pride myself on knowing myself. Of course that was about the time I was near suicidal, depressive and incredibly violent. Now I keep self introspection to a minimum because it starts taking me back down that path. It's not introspection when it's criticism. Its self-sabotage. I tell myself I will fail over and over and over. "She doesn't actually like you, he's not really your friend, you know your mother is embarrassed by you, you know you disappoint your father because you'll never accomplish anything. You're going to be a lifer at McDonald's and never anything more, you'll die alone and unloved and un-mourned"
I've seen therapists twice. Once to deal with my depression, once to deal with my apathy towards school. Neither had a fucking clue.
Therapist A didn't seem to understand plain english. I said "I'm an emotional sadist. I cause the people around me pain by manipulating their emotions so that they give me attention. I don't care if it's negative attention so long as they aren't ignoring me. Help." They said "Oh NO!!! It's not your fault! It's theirs!" I would again explain that I was a mouthy shit and that I usually was responsible for the fight, they would try and convince me I was innocent. I got tired of it fast and told my mom I wasn't going anymore. I was in grade 6. The end result was having my parents yank me out of the school after an incident.
Therapist B listened to me then parroted everything I told him back at me like it would cause me to suddenly love school. I told him the material either didn't interest me or was being taught at such a slow pace that I was bored out of my mind. He told me, after making me take a couple tests, that I was "very very bright" and that I wasn't being "stimulated" in class. Well NO SHIT! How do I fix this? He didn't really have anything to suggest. What a waste of oxygen.
So this is my therapist. Typically I'd post this in my nexopia blog because people never EVER comment in it and only a handfull even read it. There isn't much difference between the two but I wanted to keep this one as a "daily diary" that friends could read and to keep my Nexopia blog as a place to rant and vent. But tonight isn't a very normal night and Nexopia is making me mad. Nothing directly on the site. Just the memories of some of the people I've known through the site, things that have happened and it brings up more doubts and more unpleasant thoughts/feelings.
I don't look for pity, I don't need it. I'm usually the happiest little psycho on the block. How many people do you know who bounce around work yelling "CHIPMUNKS MUSIC!" then DANCING when the McRadio plays the Chipmunks - Time Warp (actually there are three songs by them on the halloween music playlist, several songs from Sesame Street, Bauhaus's "Bela Lugosi is Dead", and a bunch of other awesome songs)
It's just these rare moments when life slows down enough for my overactive imagination to kick in and start showing me all the horrible ways everything I'm happy about can be ruined.
So, until tomorrow when all is happy and bright I'll put on a song for each of my friends and try to smile until work begins and my mind if focused on the task at hand.
Playlist
Jen - Rise Against "Anywhere But Here"
Panthrix - Blind Guardian "Nightfall"
Chis M - VNV Nation "Dark Angel"
Chris S - FF7 ST "One Wing Angel"
Jason - Tool "Aenima"
Jeanette - Bon Jovi "It's My Life"
Dustin - Voltaire "When You're Evil"
Andrew - American Hi-Fi "Geeks Get the Girls"
Blake - Motzart "Pachabel Cannon in D"
Treena - Serial Joe "Completely"
Amachan - Bubblegum Crisis ST - "Devil and Angel Kiss"
Kura - ATC "Mind Machine"
Lindar - LTB "koi's theme"
Jordan - Disturbed "Meaning of Life"
koi - The Crüxshadows "Winterborn" (because I like myself)
I had an interesting first meeting with Panthrix and am glad we had the chance to talk, hopefully there will be more to come in the future. Especially if he can figure out a character to introduce into the DD. *poke poke*
But since everyone went to bed and I really really don't feel like a movie or TV and nothing's really holding my attention online my mind has begun to wander. This is bad.
Self Doubt seems to be tonight's theme. All of my past failures, all my shortcomings, every let down has been dredged up and applied to everything I hope for in the future. Everything. Jobs, family, relationships, friendships, the works. It's stupidly depressing at this hour knowing that I need to go in, unload a truck then get on with my day off and the only thing I can think of is how horribly I'm going to fuck up. I managed to somewhat fix my job situation, my relationship with my family is better than it has been in years (it's always been good, but there was a lot of stress concerning school) I'm getting along with Chris (roommate Chris). So why this sudden feeling of dread?
I should explain I have a massive ego when it comes to everything outside myself. But self confidence in myself eludes me. I have suffered rejection from my peers since grade school, I had friends turn on me, I've been rejected, humiliated, laughed at, ignored and generally made to feel small and insignificant my entire life. My own ego is simply a very very immature defense, one that has never helped the problems and only served to inflate them.
I used to pride myself on knowing myself. Of course that was about the time I was near suicidal, depressive and incredibly violent. Now I keep self introspection to a minimum because it starts taking me back down that path. It's not introspection when it's criticism. Its self-sabotage. I tell myself I will fail over and over and over. "She doesn't actually like you, he's not really your friend, you know your mother is embarrassed by you, you know you disappoint your father because you'll never accomplish anything. You're going to be a lifer at McDonald's and never anything more, you'll die alone and unloved and un-mourned"
I've seen therapists twice. Once to deal with my depression, once to deal with my apathy towards school. Neither had a fucking clue.
Therapist A didn't seem to understand plain english. I said "I'm an emotional sadist. I cause the people around me pain by manipulating their emotions so that they give me attention. I don't care if it's negative attention so long as they aren't ignoring me. Help." They said "Oh NO!!! It's not your fault! It's theirs!" I would again explain that I was a mouthy shit and that I usually was responsible for the fight, they would try and convince me I was innocent. I got tired of it fast and told my mom I wasn't going anymore. I was in grade 6. The end result was having my parents yank me out of the school after an incident.
Therapist B listened to me then parroted everything I told him back at me like it would cause me to suddenly love school. I told him the material either didn't interest me or was being taught at such a slow pace that I was bored out of my mind. He told me, after making me take a couple tests, that I was "very very bright" and that I wasn't being "stimulated" in class. Well NO SHIT! How do I fix this? He didn't really have anything to suggest. What a waste of oxygen.
So this is my therapist. Typically I'd post this in my nexopia blog because people never EVER comment in it and only a handfull even read it. There isn't much difference between the two but I wanted to keep this one as a "daily diary" that friends could read and to keep my Nexopia blog as a place to rant and vent. But tonight isn't a very normal night and Nexopia is making me mad. Nothing directly on the site. Just the memories of some of the people I've known through the site, things that have happened and it brings up more doubts and more unpleasant thoughts/feelings.
I don't look for pity, I don't need it. I'm usually the happiest little psycho on the block. How many people do you know who bounce around work yelling "CHIPMUNKS MUSIC!" then DANCING when the McRadio plays the Chipmunks - Time Warp (actually there are three songs by them on the halloween music playlist, several songs from Sesame Street, Bauhaus's "Bela Lugosi is Dead", and a bunch of other awesome songs)
It's just these rare moments when life slows down enough for my overactive imagination to kick in and start showing me all the horrible ways everything I'm happy about can be ruined.
So, until tomorrow when all is happy and bright I'll put on a song for each of my friends and try to smile until work begins and my mind if focused on the task at hand.
Playlist
Jen - Rise Against "Anywhere But Here"
Panthrix - Blind Guardian "Nightfall"
Chis M - VNV Nation "Dark Angel"
Chris S - FF7 ST "One Wing Angel"
Jason - Tool "Aenima"
Jeanette - Bon Jovi "It's My Life"
Dustin - Voltaire "When You're Evil"
Andrew - American Hi-Fi "Geeks Get the Girls"
Blake - Motzart "Pachabel Cannon in D"
Treena - Serial Joe "Completely"
Amachan - Bubblegum Crisis ST - "Devil and Angel Kiss"
Kura - ATC "Mind Machine"
Lindar - LTB "koi's theme"
Jordan - Disturbed "Meaning of Life"
koi - The Crüxshadows "Winterborn" (because I like myself)