Been too long again
Too much to ctch up on. Most of you know me anyways.
It' 5:30am as I start to write this but it's likely I'll forget to post the time when I'm done. I "went to bed" early tonight, about 2:30am. I wound up skimming through most of my copy of The Watchmen anthology. Rorschach is... not like me at all, but parts of me are very much like him.
He keeps a journal, his thoughts are nothing like mine but the structure is similar. Disjointed, not entirely whole. In the comic it is said he was a man who looked at a grim world and all it's problems and became a grimmer man to combat it. I am nowhere near grim. I see the world in a particular light, tainted by my own cross-wiring and past experiences, and I react to it by trying to be a positive focal point. Unfortunately I fail all too often. I become moody, or whine too much, something I am guilty of more and more. I try to off-set this by praising other things but to me it sounds false and forced. I want to change. I want to grow up and stop whining. I want to take things in stride. I want to start a task and finish it. I want to move forward in my life. But I don't know where to begin.
I almost quit my job today. It would have been pointless and over something trival, but I think it's a sign I need to step back and clear my head. I'm too involved right now, too caught up in everything that's changing.
Dell Edmonton is losing "Dell on Call", the line of business that I work in. No jobs are being lost, we are simply moving to other lines of tech support like "corporate customer services" (American business client) and "Americas International", which is Canadian business support. But with all the change comes a lot of pressure to be the best. As a site, a team and an individual. As a site, Dell Edmonton wants DOC to go out with a bang. We're one of the best out there and we have the potential to be the best across the board. As a team, my team wants to excel. We want to lead the way and be better than everyone else. We always have. I'm a big part of that team, I lead projects, do all sorts of extra crap and get involved and the pressure of all this is getting to me. As individuals we need to establish ourselves because we'll be moving to a new line of business. Shifts are determined by stats, so are raises and promotions. We all want to leave DOC looking as good as possible so that we don't get stuck working evenings and weekends for the next 6 months. It's just too much right now, made worse by the thought that I should be in Ottawa, working as a Sales Coach and not worry about any of this shit. I wish I'd moved very very badly sometimes.
I still live with my roommates Adam and Amanda. Things are much better but I'm looking forward to the move, he's a good friend and I would hate to lose that.
I did a test that Jags did. I didn't agree with everything it said about me, but it was mostly right. I'm not posting the results because they're irrelevant. I see myself in a certain light, others see me a different way. It's up to them to decide how I am. I guess it's like hearing your own voice. I hear it one way when I talk, but everyone else hears it the real way. I see what I want in myself. Others see what I show them. They're both me, but the visible me is the more important most of the time because it's the me that determines how people interact with me, how they react to me and what opportunities will arise from my actions. I could be the most caring and wonderful guy on the inside, but if I'm a prick on the outside it doesn't me jack shit.
I've typed a fair bit I think, I don't know where else I want to go with this without breaking my internal censoring. There are somethings that just... don't come out in these and shouldn't come out. I guess that relates to the above bit. So, I remember the time thing and it's 5:48am. That means I typed for a while doesn't it? Hope whoever still reads this leaves a comment :P
It' 5:30am as I start to write this but it's likely I'll forget to post the time when I'm done. I "went to bed" early tonight, about 2:30am. I wound up skimming through most of my copy of The Watchmen anthology. Rorschach is... not like me at all, but parts of me are very much like him.
He keeps a journal, his thoughts are nothing like mine but the structure is similar. Disjointed, not entirely whole. In the comic it is said he was a man who looked at a grim world and all it's problems and became a grimmer man to combat it. I am nowhere near grim. I see the world in a particular light, tainted by my own cross-wiring and past experiences, and I react to it by trying to be a positive focal point. Unfortunately I fail all too often. I become moody, or whine too much, something I am guilty of more and more. I try to off-set this by praising other things but to me it sounds false and forced. I want to change. I want to grow up and stop whining. I want to take things in stride. I want to start a task and finish it. I want to move forward in my life. But I don't know where to begin.
I almost quit my job today. It would have been pointless and over something trival, but I think it's a sign I need to step back and clear my head. I'm too involved right now, too caught up in everything that's changing.
Dell Edmonton is losing "Dell on Call", the line of business that I work in. No jobs are being lost, we are simply moving to other lines of tech support like "corporate customer services" (American business client) and "Americas International", which is Canadian business support. But with all the change comes a lot of pressure to be the best. As a site, a team and an individual. As a site, Dell Edmonton wants DOC to go out with a bang. We're one of the best out there and we have the potential to be the best across the board. As a team, my team wants to excel. We want to lead the way and be better than everyone else. We always have. I'm a big part of that team, I lead projects, do all sorts of extra crap and get involved and the pressure of all this is getting to me. As individuals we need to establish ourselves because we'll be moving to a new line of business. Shifts are determined by stats, so are raises and promotions. We all want to leave DOC looking as good as possible so that we don't get stuck working evenings and weekends for the next 6 months. It's just too much right now, made worse by the thought that I should be in Ottawa, working as a Sales Coach and not worry about any of this shit. I wish I'd moved very very badly sometimes.
I still live with my roommates Adam and Amanda. Things are much better but I'm looking forward to the move, he's a good friend and I would hate to lose that.
I did a test that Jags did. I didn't agree with everything it said about me, but it was mostly right. I'm not posting the results because they're irrelevant. I see myself in a certain light, others see me a different way. It's up to them to decide how I am. I guess it's like hearing your own voice. I hear it one way when I talk, but everyone else hears it the real way. I see what I want in myself. Others see what I show them. They're both me, but the visible me is the more important most of the time because it's the me that determines how people interact with me, how they react to me and what opportunities will arise from my actions. I could be the most caring and wonderful guy on the inside, but if I'm a prick on the outside it doesn't me jack shit.
I've typed a fair bit I think, I don't know where else I want to go with this without breaking my internal censoring. There are somethings that just... don't come out in these and shouldn't come out. I guess that relates to the above bit. So, I remember the time thing and it's 5:48am. That means I typed for a while doesn't it? Hope whoever still reads this leaves a comment :P