I fear I'm too paranoid, I fear i'm not paranoid enough
Its amazing. Last night went really, really well. I had fun at tilt, minus seeing Cella and Timmy. I danced a lot on my own. I let Rachael dance with Elise almost the whole time I was there, and she only really pissed me off once. And then we met at my place and had a really fun time.
Therefore, it should have been like, you know, non stressful.
But every so often she'll make a half finished statement, and it always gets me suspicious. And last night, once or twice, she dropped a sentence that made me really want to dig deeper. Because everything was going so well, I opted to ignore it. But now its on my mind. I hate putting friends in the middle, but they often have more information then they realize. Of course, ive seen both sides of the coin. Neutrality is probably best. But saving people problems also helps.
I choose merely to find out non suspicious things. But to this day, I still feel like there may have been some point in time when she cheated on me. I realized very recently that she and I never really set up boundaries. Even sensible people (and who said either one of us is sensible)can forget to share early on what level of peer interaction they're comfortable with. I never told her, but I consider someone in a committed relationship giving another person a hicky kinda on par with cheating. I think theres different levels of it, but that means that in my eyes, technically, she's cheated. On girls, its a technicality only, and not something I really care too much about. But on guys...
thats right. From my personal perspective, Rachael has already cheated on me.
She just doesn't realize it.
But, that said, we've been way more open about shit, and thats really awesome. She told me she's glad I'm not going on the camping trip with everyone else because this way I won't be overly possessive of her when she's all about jenny. I know I can be like that, but in this instance, she shouldn't have worried. I've found that I really like Jenny, and actually consider her a friend. Id be as much about Jenny as everyone else.
the worst part is, I almost went. Even without Rachael. You know why I didn't? So that she'd have someone in town to hang out with.
Pathetic, isn't it?
If this extremely recent streak of caring, sharing, and openness can continue, I think we will be fine. And if she can quit being the bitch she's become (her own admission!!) as of late, then I KNOW we will be fine. But all those times of her questioning us, and finally feeling like at least part of the time I'm walking on eggshells, its gotten to me. I'm starting to really worry that she was right about it. Part of what worries me is that I know that its been not the sex, but the promise of sex that has kept me here. IF she wasn't such a tease, and more open and honest and loving, like she was in the beginning, I wouldn't care. Ive told her in the past and I've been serious, I could go long periods of time without sex.
Its the emotional connection I find is lacking, and entirely on her side of things.
I think I've babbled wayyyyy too much.
I'm worried though. About a lot of things. With my family falling into ill health all around me, this is the worst time to be in a tumultous relationship. And once again I find myself with a girl that is driving me into the ground. She's so different from all those other girls that Ive dated, and yet the result is the same. I know its partly me, but maybe its just how I affect woman. They meet a guy who is withdrawn, tell him how they want to know everything about him, and holy shit, he's actually opening up.
I think women just say that shit to stick to stereotype.
gah. im done writing
Therefore, it should have been like, you know, non stressful.
But every so often she'll make a half finished statement, and it always gets me suspicious. And last night, once or twice, she dropped a sentence that made me really want to dig deeper. Because everything was going so well, I opted to ignore it. But now its on my mind. I hate putting friends in the middle, but they often have more information then they realize. Of course, ive seen both sides of the coin. Neutrality is probably best. But saving people problems also helps.
I choose merely to find out non suspicious things. But to this day, I still feel like there may have been some point in time when she cheated on me. I realized very recently that she and I never really set up boundaries. Even sensible people (and who said either one of us is sensible)can forget to share early on what level of peer interaction they're comfortable with. I never told her, but I consider someone in a committed relationship giving another person a hicky kinda on par with cheating. I think theres different levels of it, but that means that in my eyes, technically, she's cheated. On girls, its a technicality only, and not something I really care too much about. But on guys...
thats right. From my personal perspective, Rachael has already cheated on me.
She just doesn't realize it.
But, that said, we've been way more open about shit, and thats really awesome. She told me she's glad I'm not going on the camping trip with everyone else because this way I won't be overly possessive of her when she's all about jenny. I know I can be like that, but in this instance, she shouldn't have worried. I've found that I really like Jenny, and actually consider her a friend. Id be as much about Jenny as everyone else.
the worst part is, I almost went. Even without Rachael. You know why I didn't? So that she'd have someone in town to hang out with.
Pathetic, isn't it?
If this extremely recent streak of caring, sharing, and openness can continue, I think we will be fine. And if she can quit being the bitch she's become (her own admission!!) as of late, then I KNOW we will be fine. But all those times of her questioning us, and finally feeling like at least part of the time I'm walking on eggshells, its gotten to me. I'm starting to really worry that she was right about it. Part of what worries me is that I know that its been not the sex, but the promise of sex that has kept me here. IF she wasn't such a tease, and more open and honest and loving, like she was in the beginning, I wouldn't care. Ive told her in the past and I've been serious, I could go long periods of time without sex.
Its the emotional connection I find is lacking, and entirely on her side of things.
I think I've babbled wayyyyy too much.
I'm worried though. About a lot of things. With my family falling into ill health all around me, this is the worst time to be in a tumultous relationship. And once again I find myself with a girl that is driving me into the ground. She's so different from all those other girls that Ive dated, and yet the result is the same. I know its partly me, but maybe its just how I affect woman. They meet a guy who is withdrawn, tell him how they want to know everything about him, and holy shit, he's actually opening up.
I think women just say that shit to stick to stereotype.
gah. im done writing