playing catchup
It's been some time since my last post. I've always had a difficult time keeping up with these things. to tell you the truth, I mostly write for myself and find it difficult to let much of what I write sit in the open. There are a very very few that are allowed to touch my many notebooks, and fewer still that understand any of what is within them. That being said, I feel that I owe you, my friends, an update... or failing that at least a new rant.
This school year has been quite interesting for me. My return to school after spending two years in Europe was a more difficult transition than I thought it would be. I miss Europe, yes, but this is not the main reason for the difficulty. I feel old... I am quickly approaching the 10 year mark since high school graduation, and I'm still working on my undergrad. Am I selfconscious about this? not so much, but it is a recipe for loneliness. It's becoming more and more difficult for me to relate with those around me. I have left much of the "slacker" mentality behind me and I am attempting to get myself moving forward. I have made plenty of progress in this area, yet I still feel alone in many ways. I spend a large amount of time with my close friends recounting times past.
On the other side of things, this school year has given me the chance to look back on things and to see how I have grown. I return to the scene of my fall and hold myself high, knowing that I will not fall victim to the same traps again. I have found that I have grown much stronger in my convictions.
I have also found that the emotional barrenness left after my last relationship does not have to go on forever. I have learned that I can still trust, that I can still love. There was a time that I wondered if that was possible. There was a time that I saw myself becoming jaded, stagnant, and bitter. That time has passed, and in place of those emotions I have found happiness, comfort, and acceptance on levels that I never thought possible. I have been able to let go of grudges and frustrations and I have learned something that I have long lacked; patience. Finally I have found a place where the trust and affection that I give so freely (often to my own detriment) are returned fully and freely. Here I will turn to my notebooks:
1-3-07 "Question: Is happiness forced happiness worth having? Answer: No, Happiness forced is not happiness. happiness forced is happiness that can and will be easily lost. Happiness is to be protected, but one should not have to constantly fear loss of happiness. Happiness should not require force to obtain, yet may require force(work) to maintain."
This comes as a result of my constant questioning of my own limits. to what lengths am I willing to go to be happy? to what extent am I willing to sacrifice the happiness of others to obtain my own happiness? what do the answers to these questions say about me?
In the past I have seen paths to better my own life, and have passed them by because they would put undue pressure on the people that I care about. Yet, I have also had occasion to push all consideration of those around me away so that I could more easily obtain what I felt that I needed. neither of these paths brought me the happiness that I so desired. And, let me take a step back here to qualify "happiness". in these passages "happiness" for me is Love. What I have learned recently is that I should not have to choose either path. Love forced is not Love, and Love unrequited is nothing more than obsession.
I have always done my best to ignore my feelings toward people when those feelings get in the way. most times I succeed. most times I can push those feelings away, and in time they die. For all of my attempts I have been unable to do that this time. and it is this inability to push someone away that has forced me to reevaluate much of what I once held as truth. it is this inability that has allowed me to rediscover my passions, my compassion, and my words.
This school year has been quite interesting for me. My return to school after spending two years in Europe was a more difficult transition than I thought it would be. I miss Europe, yes, but this is not the main reason for the difficulty. I feel old... I am quickly approaching the 10 year mark since high school graduation, and I'm still working on my undergrad. Am I selfconscious about this? not so much, but it is a recipe for loneliness. It's becoming more and more difficult for me to relate with those around me. I have left much of the "slacker" mentality behind me and I am attempting to get myself moving forward. I have made plenty of progress in this area, yet I still feel alone in many ways. I spend a large amount of time with my close friends recounting times past.
On the other side of things, this school year has given me the chance to look back on things and to see how I have grown. I return to the scene of my fall and hold myself high, knowing that I will not fall victim to the same traps again. I have found that I have grown much stronger in my convictions.
I have also found that the emotional barrenness left after my last relationship does not have to go on forever. I have learned that I can still trust, that I can still love. There was a time that I wondered if that was possible. There was a time that I saw myself becoming jaded, stagnant, and bitter. That time has passed, and in place of those emotions I have found happiness, comfort, and acceptance on levels that I never thought possible. I have been able to let go of grudges and frustrations and I have learned something that I have long lacked; patience. Finally I have found a place where the trust and affection that I give so freely (often to my own detriment) are returned fully and freely. Here I will turn to my notebooks:
1-3-07 "Question: Is happiness forced happiness worth having? Answer: No, Happiness forced is not happiness. happiness forced is happiness that can and will be easily lost. Happiness is to be protected, but one should not have to constantly fear loss of happiness. Happiness should not require force to obtain, yet may require force(work) to maintain."
This comes as a result of my constant questioning of my own limits. to what lengths am I willing to go to be happy? to what extent am I willing to sacrifice the happiness of others to obtain my own happiness? what do the answers to these questions say about me?
In the past I have seen paths to better my own life, and have passed them by because they would put undue pressure on the people that I care about. Yet, I have also had occasion to push all consideration of those around me away so that I could more easily obtain what I felt that I needed. neither of these paths brought me the happiness that I so desired. And, let me take a step back here to qualify "happiness". in these passages "happiness" for me is Love. What I have learned recently is that I should not have to choose either path. Love forced is not Love, and Love unrequited is nothing more than obsession.
I have always done my best to ignore my feelings toward people when those feelings get in the way. most times I succeed. most times I can push those feelings away, and in time they die. For all of my attempts I have been unable to do that this time. and it is this inability to push someone away that has forced me to reevaluate much of what I once held as truth. it is this inability that has allowed me to rediscover my passions, my compassion, and my words.