Cake or Death
I was sitting with George W the other day at a secure, undisclosed location drinking Shiner Bock and playing Risk (it's fun with George 'cause he plays with real countries). He had just lost North America to my Yellow Horde when he threw his hands in the air and sank back into his recliner, letting out a huge sigh. Oh boy, I thought, here we go again. But naturally I didn't say that.
"George, what's wrong now?"
"Shoot, K-dawg" he said, ripping open a bag of Cheese Puffs. (Uh-oh, I thought) "This election thing has got me a little down. I mean, my people are saying I might not win, and to tell ya the truth, I was kinda gettin' used this whole president deal. I mean, you've seen the house, right?"
"Sure George, I've seen it. It's a great house" I said, holding my breath as he tossed a large Cheese Puff up and caught it with his tongue, like a gecko. Relieved, I went on. "But what are you worried about? It looks to me like you can't miss. I mean, as much as you've you've fucked things in the past four years, the American people still trust you to protect them. You're teflon, Mr. President." I momentarily lost my train of thought as Condoleeza Rice came in, dressed in the Princess Leia gold lame slave outfit and bearing a silver tray. "Yeah, you got nothing to worry about, believe me" as I knocked over my beer. "Kerry is just a good haircut, dude. You're what Joe Television wants." I glanced back at Dr. Rice, who was at that moment cutting a large chocolate cake with "Four More Tears!" on it. Hmmm...never seen a typo on a cake before.
"Man, I sure appreciate the vote of confidence" W mumbled around a handful of snack mix. "And, you know, the other kind of vote too", he chuckled. "I need all the popular votes I can get, epecially with that gosh-danged Electrical College so dicey."
"Now George" I chided, "You know I make it a point never to vote. I can't be held responsible for whatever happens next month."
"Oh, I can dig it. I don't like it either. All those levers and buttons, I tell you the truth, I'm afraid I might vote for the wrong guy by mistake. Like last year."
I started to reply but was distracted by the National Security Advisor as she sidled next to me on the Chesterfield. She smiled, the gap in her teeth strangely alluring, as she offered me a slice of cake. It was decorated with the letter "M", but if I turned it upside down, it was "W", clear as day.
"George", I said as I shrugged and dug into the suprisingly moist cake, "I have a feeling you won't be the only one voting for the wrong guy this year. I really wouldn't worry."
W slapped his thigh and slammed his beer down, causing it to foam up like Bill Clinton on Staff Appreciation Day. "Man, you're absolutely right! That's why I'll win: nobody else can figure out that shit either! I'm just like them!" He opened a desk drawer and fumbled around. "Hey, let's get high and make some prank calls to foreign leaders!"
I laughed out loud, spitting bits of cake into the air. "George", I said, "why the fuck not?" And I meant it, too.
"George, what's wrong now?"
"Shoot, K-dawg" he said, ripping open a bag of Cheese Puffs. (Uh-oh, I thought) "This election thing has got me a little down. I mean, my people are saying I might not win, and to tell ya the truth, I was kinda gettin' used this whole president deal. I mean, you've seen the house, right?"
"Sure George, I've seen it. It's a great house" I said, holding my breath as he tossed a large Cheese Puff up and caught it with his tongue, like a gecko. Relieved, I went on. "But what are you worried about? It looks to me like you can't miss. I mean, as much as you've you've fucked things in the past four years, the American people still trust you to protect them. You're teflon, Mr. President." I momentarily lost my train of thought as Condoleeza Rice came in, dressed in the Princess Leia gold lame slave outfit and bearing a silver tray. "Yeah, you got nothing to worry about, believe me" as I knocked over my beer. "Kerry is just a good haircut, dude. You're what Joe Television wants." I glanced back at Dr. Rice, who was at that moment cutting a large chocolate cake with "Four More Tears!" on it. Hmmm...never seen a typo on a cake before.
"Man, I sure appreciate the vote of confidence" W mumbled around a handful of snack mix. "And, you know, the other kind of vote too", he chuckled. "I need all the popular votes I can get, epecially with that gosh-danged Electrical College so dicey."
"Now George" I chided, "You know I make it a point never to vote. I can't be held responsible for whatever happens next month."
"Oh, I can dig it. I don't like it either. All those levers and buttons, I tell you the truth, I'm afraid I might vote for the wrong guy by mistake. Like last year."
I started to reply but was distracted by the National Security Advisor as she sidled next to me on the Chesterfield. She smiled, the gap in her teeth strangely alluring, as she offered me a slice of cake. It was decorated with the letter "M", but if I turned it upside down, it was "W", clear as day.
"George", I said as I shrugged and dug into the suprisingly moist cake, "I have a feeling you won't be the only one voting for the wrong guy this year. I really wouldn't worry."
W slapped his thigh and slammed his beer down, causing it to foam up like Bill Clinton on Staff Appreciation Day. "Man, you're absolutely right! That's why I'll win: nobody else can figure out that shit either! I'm just like them!" He opened a desk drawer and fumbled around. "Hey, let's get high and make some prank calls to foreign leaders!"
I laughed out loud, spitting bits of cake into the air. "George", I said, "why the fuck not?" And I meant it, too.