One of those feelings that's hard to describe...
My first temptation was to post that this week has seen some of the highest and lowest times of my life. Maybe it has one of the top moments of my life. Just how hard I'm finding it to type that must mean that I'm quite repressed.
We had a miscarriage scare. Vinnie is still really early on - 8 weeks. It's not really "safe" until 12 weeks, we keep being told. All the same, it's difficult not to pin your hopes on it, to get attached, everything else. Tuesday night, we went to the after hours clinic. Even if there wasn't anything that they could do, we wanted to know whether it was the end. They couldn't do anything there, but gave us a referral for the hospital in the morning. So we went. Neither of us slept well. Vinnie, on her sleep meds, had nightmares, and I barely slept. In the morning, we couldn't get a cab to come because it was raining cats and dogs. We ended up taking a bus. Thankfully there wasn't too much of a wait once we arrived. The doctors asked the same questions at least 4 times. Every male doctor looked downcast and pessimistic. The last one was too much, and we both were breaking down. Vinnie requested a female doctor for more intimate exams - and she brought a portable sonograph with her. She said that we may not be able to see anything - but the same as it showed up instantly with the pregnancy test, it showed up instantly on the ultrasound. Healthy, exactly the age expected, with a visibly beating heart. Vinnie and I shared a real moment. I don't think I'll be able to forget it for a long time. The mixture of relief and happiness was a lot for both of us to take. We couldn't help but tease each other on the way out from the hospital. Vinnie's work had already given her the day off, and I requested it from my boss. We spent the rest of the day op shopping for baby gear. Premature perhaps after that scare...but it was a really good day. The hospital told us they would not contact us unless there was something wrong, and they haven't contacted us yet. After seeing it like that, it's hard to believe that the pregnancy would fail.
The experience has kick started Vinnie into being more careful about what she eats, though, which is a good thing.
Going back to work the next day, my boss pulled me over. I had to tell her...it's the second time I've taken time away from work for my partner, regardless of whether I made it up. She thanked me for being honest. We both knew that most people do not inform work before the 12 weeks. I am worried about how this will affect how I do at work. At the end of the 6 month secondment, the maternity time will be coming up. I suppose the good thing about the baby being due at xmas is that I will have some time at home regardless.
Tomorrow I will have to pour my heart out to my mentor. I was visibly upset on Friday during our last meeting, and she knows that I missed our meeting on Tuesday because I was at the hospital with Vinnie. Hopefully I can convince her that I am, actually, ok. I also have another meeting with a senior coworker to have a look at the way I present data. That and the final meeting for the project that I was kicked off of. As much as I miss my fellow inductee the best, I can't help but feel envious of the time he's had of it. Someone else to do his data for him, someone else to do his observation for him, and the freedom to learn the presentation skills at leisure. Those were connections that he had before this job though, and I can't really begrudge him that. I just don't want to fail. I have started putting together a plan of how I want to spend my half an hour with my boss next week. I want to show her that at least I can be prepared for a meeting.
It's only going to get more intense, I suppose, as the 6 months goes on, and baby gets bigger. I can't do things one at a time, can I?
We had a miscarriage scare. Vinnie is still really early on - 8 weeks. It's not really "safe" until 12 weeks, we keep being told. All the same, it's difficult not to pin your hopes on it, to get attached, everything else. Tuesday night, we went to the after hours clinic. Even if there wasn't anything that they could do, we wanted to know whether it was the end. They couldn't do anything there, but gave us a referral for the hospital in the morning. So we went. Neither of us slept well. Vinnie, on her sleep meds, had nightmares, and I barely slept. In the morning, we couldn't get a cab to come because it was raining cats and dogs. We ended up taking a bus. Thankfully there wasn't too much of a wait once we arrived. The doctors asked the same questions at least 4 times. Every male doctor looked downcast and pessimistic. The last one was too much, and we both were breaking down. Vinnie requested a female doctor for more intimate exams - and she brought a portable sonograph with her. She said that we may not be able to see anything - but the same as it showed up instantly with the pregnancy test, it showed up instantly on the ultrasound. Healthy, exactly the age expected, with a visibly beating heart. Vinnie and I shared a real moment. I don't think I'll be able to forget it for a long time. The mixture of relief and happiness was a lot for both of us to take. We couldn't help but tease each other on the way out from the hospital. Vinnie's work had already given her the day off, and I requested it from my boss. We spent the rest of the day op shopping for baby gear. Premature perhaps after that scare...but it was a really good day. The hospital told us they would not contact us unless there was something wrong, and they haven't contacted us yet. After seeing it like that, it's hard to believe that the pregnancy would fail.
The experience has kick started Vinnie into being more careful about what she eats, though, which is a good thing.
Going back to work the next day, my boss pulled me over. I had to tell her...it's the second time I've taken time away from work for my partner, regardless of whether I made it up. She thanked me for being honest. We both knew that most people do not inform work before the 12 weeks. I am worried about how this will affect how I do at work. At the end of the 6 month secondment, the maternity time will be coming up. I suppose the good thing about the baby being due at xmas is that I will have some time at home regardless.
Tomorrow I will have to pour my heart out to my mentor. I was visibly upset on Friday during our last meeting, and she knows that I missed our meeting on Tuesday because I was at the hospital with Vinnie. Hopefully I can convince her that I am, actually, ok. I also have another meeting with a senior coworker to have a look at the way I present data. That and the final meeting for the project that I was kicked off of. As much as I miss my fellow inductee the best, I can't help but feel envious of the time he's had of it. Someone else to do his data for him, someone else to do his observation for him, and the freedom to learn the presentation skills at leisure. Those were connections that he had before this job though, and I can't really begrudge him that. I just don't want to fail. I have started putting together a plan of how I want to spend my half an hour with my boss next week. I want to show her that at least I can be prepared for a meeting.
It's only going to get more intense, I suppose, as the 6 months goes on, and baby gets bigger. I can't do things one at a time, can I?