life is so silly.
people worry about such stupid things, get mad over such stupid things, think they've found happiness in such stupid things.... when in the end none of it matters.
i saw juno tonight, it was cute. gets ya thinkin. then i just read my sisters posts, and then saras post, and thats what made me come to that revelation.
everyone i thought was my friend, isn't. i think maybe a couple people from high school i could still call my friend... not that we talk often or anything, but im pretty sure if i needed them, theyd be there for me. theres this country song i heard today, ive heard it before but today was full of driving, so naturally full of thinking and contemplating about life. the song talks about times when you find out who your friends are.... they'll jump in their car without thinking about whats in it for them, or that its way to far.... and theyll show up to help you simply because thats what you do for a friend.
ive always assumed thats what friends are supposed to be, and thats how ive always felt about my friends... id do that for them, and i just assumed it was common knowledge that thats what friends do, but i have learned over the years that there are a lot of shallow shitty people out there. not shitty intentionally, i wouldnt even say its their fault, they are just so blinded by all the stupid propoganda material bullshit our society sells to us. and no, im not just talking about the spoiled rich kids, heck who am i to call someone else a spoiled rich kid? at least i can acknowledge it and be grateful for it, and still work my ass off to put money in my gas tank. even people who arent all caught up in having a bazillion gucci bags and ugly bug-eye sunglasses that cost $800.... even people who you would think would be really down to earth, because theyve never had the opportunity to be brainwashed by that part of society... even they have turned out to be terrible people.
and i dont mean terrible as in they purposely lie cheat and steal and hurt people, they just put themselves as number one. not purposely, they just.. do. get a new girlfriend... enjoy spending time with her.... it makes sense that one would spend less time doing old things, but to completely stop seeing 2 of your best friends? unless we have missed some huge obvious signal, its a really shitty thing to do, to ditch your friends when you get a relationship. and by ditch, i mean, not even ever call, never even IM. nothin.
like i said before i dont really care too much, this is what ive come to expect. but its really a bummer to think of all the friends ive had in only 21 years of living. i mean, sure, moving 10 times will account for lots of those friends, and i cant expect to remain super close to every single one.... but there are only a few people from high school i am even in contact with on a semi-regular basis, and only 1 or 2 of those i can call a friend and be somewhat confident that theyd be there for me.
maybe thats why i get hurt so easily, i give every friend all i have... im not saying im a perfect friend, heck ill be the first to admit i hate sharing my food with people, lol, but im there if they need me, no questions asked. im pretty quick to forgive.... the times i dont forgive, its either very obvious whatever they did is unforigivable, or i know theyre not worth it.
its just fuckin sad.... people are extremely selfish. i am so damn lucky to have what i do with steve, i know it is so special & so great, & unfortunately most people will never feel what we do. but i dont believe that we just happened to stumble upon eachother, or some cosmological thing caused us to be together, i think we are both the kind of person who gives everything we have, we put it all on the line, with the good faith thinking others will do the same for us. weve both learned thats not the case, and we both realize that we're alike in that way, and thats how we love eachother the way we do.... because thats what love really is, giving everything you are to someone, trusting them not to break your heart, and you know its love when you can do that & not have any fear that theyll betray you or break your heart. if you have any doubts about it, its not going to work.
i cant really explain what im trying to say, im not even sure what im trying to say. i think im just trying to explain my mood, which is very depressed, but also very happy. depressed because i get really down when i think about how shitty alot of my friends turned out to be (and actually how successful the ones youd least expect have become). i feel like if i didnt know any better, id give up and never try to be frineds with anyone ever again. maybe thats why im so ok with just not talking to people and things like that.... like those days of silence for all the queers? i could do that for a month and it wouldnt really affect me at all. and thats sad, it shouldnt be like that, but its interesting that its not really my fault.
shoot i dont know what im saying anymore.
this fucking town gets smaller and smaller every day. im so glad ill be done with this place in a couple of months. even better than that im so glad steve will be home in a MONTH!! ok , more like a month and 1-2 weeks. but still..... FUCKING YAY! even though we'll still be quite far apart for the next year + some, im happy that ill be able to call him when i want, and ill be able to see him semi-regularly...
if he gets deployed again i dont know what im gonna do. probably cry a whole bunch, and drag myself out of bed every day and do what it takes to get by. he's thinking about not re enlisting and doing architecture, like he originally wanted to do.... i think its a great idea, not just because i dont want him to be deployed again, haha, although im not going to complain about that. just, for other reasons that might sound wierd, that wont really come into play until/unless were married & had kids or something. but i know, as of now, we're headed in that direction, and theres no reason why i shouldnt be considering future situations. it would be so nice to not have to worry about things like that =) of course if he re enlisted id support him, what else could i do? and its not that id just support him because i "had to".... im truly proud of him, i admire him so much & i honestly cant think of a single "job" that would top his, as far as being badass and honorable goes. but it scares me to death. i love him more than anything, and the thought of losing him really makes me sick to my stomach, and completely terrified. i pray i never have to deal with that......
so, i think basically what im saying is im so happy that i have someone like steve in my life =) because without him, id be surrounded by crappy people i can no longer call friends, and oh yeah the couple friends i do still have. not that theyre not enough or that i dont appreciate them!!! quite the contrary!!!! id do anything for my friends. i just wish there were a few more good, honest, loving people in the world. oh well.
on another note, i CAN get a cat in ann arbor!!! so im gonna get a male siamese kitty i decided =) hes gonna be sooooo cute =) maybe thats why i love animals so much, because they give the kind of unconditional devotion that you can't count on other people to give to you.
hmm.
by the way, itd be amazing if ex-friends proved me wrong and did something to be entitled to be called friends again. but they dont read this nor care, so whatever. its just me, and my family, and steve & my 2 friends and all my animals, and that is just fine with me!
i saw juno tonight, it was cute. gets ya thinkin. then i just read my sisters posts, and then saras post, and thats what made me come to that revelation.
everyone i thought was my friend, isn't. i think maybe a couple people from high school i could still call my friend... not that we talk often or anything, but im pretty sure if i needed them, theyd be there for me. theres this country song i heard today, ive heard it before but today was full of driving, so naturally full of thinking and contemplating about life. the song talks about times when you find out who your friends are.... they'll jump in their car without thinking about whats in it for them, or that its way to far.... and theyll show up to help you simply because thats what you do for a friend.
ive always assumed thats what friends are supposed to be, and thats how ive always felt about my friends... id do that for them, and i just assumed it was common knowledge that thats what friends do, but i have learned over the years that there are a lot of shallow shitty people out there. not shitty intentionally, i wouldnt even say its their fault, they are just so blinded by all the stupid propoganda material bullshit our society sells to us. and no, im not just talking about the spoiled rich kids, heck who am i to call someone else a spoiled rich kid? at least i can acknowledge it and be grateful for it, and still work my ass off to put money in my gas tank. even people who arent all caught up in having a bazillion gucci bags and ugly bug-eye sunglasses that cost $800.... even people who you would think would be really down to earth, because theyve never had the opportunity to be brainwashed by that part of society... even they have turned out to be terrible people.
and i dont mean terrible as in they purposely lie cheat and steal and hurt people, they just put themselves as number one. not purposely, they just.. do. get a new girlfriend... enjoy spending time with her.... it makes sense that one would spend less time doing old things, but to completely stop seeing 2 of your best friends? unless we have missed some huge obvious signal, its a really shitty thing to do, to ditch your friends when you get a relationship. and by ditch, i mean, not even ever call, never even IM. nothin.
like i said before i dont really care too much, this is what ive come to expect. but its really a bummer to think of all the friends ive had in only 21 years of living. i mean, sure, moving 10 times will account for lots of those friends, and i cant expect to remain super close to every single one.... but there are only a few people from high school i am even in contact with on a semi-regular basis, and only 1 or 2 of those i can call a friend and be somewhat confident that theyd be there for me.
maybe thats why i get hurt so easily, i give every friend all i have... im not saying im a perfect friend, heck ill be the first to admit i hate sharing my food with people, lol, but im there if they need me, no questions asked. im pretty quick to forgive.... the times i dont forgive, its either very obvious whatever they did is unforigivable, or i know theyre not worth it.
its just fuckin sad.... people are extremely selfish. i am so damn lucky to have what i do with steve, i know it is so special & so great, & unfortunately most people will never feel what we do. but i dont believe that we just happened to stumble upon eachother, or some cosmological thing caused us to be together, i think we are both the kind of person who gives everything we have, we put it all on the line, with the good faith thinking others will do the same for us. weve both learned thats not the case, and we both realize that we're alike in that way, and thats how we love eachother the way we do.... because thats what love really is, giving everything you are to someone, trusting them not to break your heart, and you know its love when you can do that & not have any fear that theyll betray you or break your heart. if you have any doubts about it, its not going to work.
i cant really explain what im trying to say, im not even sure what im trying to say. i think im just trying to explain my mood, which is very depressed, but also very happy. depressed because i get really down when i think about how shitty alot of my friends turned out to be (and actually how successful the ones youd least expect have become). i feel like if i didnt know any better, id give up and never try to be frineds with anyone ever again. maybe thats why im so ok with just not talking to people and things like that.... like those days of silence for all the queers? i could do that for a month and it wouldnt really affect me at all. and thats sad, it shouldnt be like that, but its interesting that its not really my fault.
shoot i dont know what im saying anymore.
this fucking town gets smaller and smaller every day. im so glad ill be done with this place in a couple of months. even better than that im so glad steve will be home in a MONTH!! ok , more like a month and 1-2 weeks. but still..... FUCKING YAY! even though we'll still be quite far apart for the next year + some, im happy that ill be able to call him when i want, and ill be able to see him semi-regularly...
if he gets deployed again i dont know what im gonna do. probably cry a whole bunch, and drag myself out of bed every day and do what it takes to get by. he's thinking about not re enlisting and doing architecture, like he originally wanted to do.... i think its a great idea, not just because i dont want him to be deployed again, haha, although im not going to complain about that. just, for other reasons that might sound wierd, that wont really come into play until/unless were married & had kids or something. but i know, as of now, we're headed in that direction, and theres no reason why i shouldnt be considering future situations. it would be so nice to not have to worry about things like that =) of course if he re enlisted id support him, what else could i do? and its not that id just support him because i "had to".... im truly proud of him, i admire him so much & i honestly cant think of a single "job" that would top his, as far as being badass and honorable goes. but it scares me to death. i love him more than anything, and the thought of losing him really makes me sick to my stomach, and completely terrified. i pray i never have to deal with that......
so, i think basically what im saying is im so happy that i have someone like steve in my life =) because without him, id be surrounded by crappy people i can no longer call friends, and oh yeah the couple friends i do still have. not that theyre not enough or that i dont appreciate them!!! quite the contrary!!!! id do anything for my friends. i just wish there were a few more good, honest, loving people in the world. oh well.
on another note, i CAN get a cat in ann arbor!!! so im gonna get a male siamese kitty i decided =) hes gonna be sooooo cute =) maybe thats why i love animals so much, because they give the kind of unconditional devotion that you can't count on other people to give to you.
hmm.
by the way, itd be amazing if ex-friends proved me wrong and did something to be entitled to be called friends again. but they dont read this nor care, so whatever. its just me, and my family, and steve & my 2 friends and all my animals, and that is just fine with me!