i don't want it to be like this..

[krank_fickt]

I've been doing something, bad, for the past week now. I never promised not to, but I never thought I would. It's worse than things I've done in the past, and I don't think I'll tell anyone, even though this is an extremely public fucking journal, but I can't. If anything happens to me, I'll obviously have to, but until then I'll just wait. Wait. The thing I do often. Chris asked me what makes me happy and said there has to be something, and I told him there was nothing anymore.. Which is mostly true, only because the *one* thing that does, rarely occurs. It's nearly useless anymore, to waste my time on the things I do. You'd think I'd do something for myself just to cheer myself up once in a while, but I'd prefer to just live through it all and be ungrateful and grumpy as always. If you catch me with a smile on my face, it's not rare. I smile a lot, sometimes. When i feel decent. But it's mostly to keep people off my back. I don't like being asked questions. My mom does it a lot. Sometimes I think she doesn't care, but really she cares too much. She doesn't ..do.. much about it though. I think it scares her. I scare her. She only had to put up with -this- behavior with Andy, and that was short lived. He had meetings and such for it, and it apparently helped the kid. Just not with his anger. He pisses me off, bad. People don't deserve what he hands out. He tries showing he's tough, but he does it in all the wrong ways. Everyone knows he's strong in some ways. Physically, sure. Mentally, he's unsure, pathetic really. I understand he's lost some of the things that meant the most to him, and he's still after the one, but on his path to trying to get it, will prove.. whether or not he's mentally tough. Love can bring that kid to tears. But false love won't. I read a letter.. to him.. so really it was none of my business so I didn't bring it up with him, but I'd hate to see him back with his old friends, besides Angie. She meant a lot to Vince, so she means a lot to him. Honestly, I think he was better off on drugs. I could probably get in trouble for writing that, but it will stay in here. I haven't been sleeping well, and I know why. I do it to myself. But I can't tell you *what* I do. I'll stop.. Once I scare myself. I kind of miss Dan. Babies change things, I suppose. She's beautiful, but it didn't mean he had to turn his back on things. He helped me through rough shit, with "dad" and such, and we were good friends. But lately, he treats me differently. I don't matter anymore. Do I to anyone? Plus, I royally fucked things with someone that meant something to me. I hate to love people. It's all wrong now, and my fault. I'm just a little confused fucking girl. Some things will never change. Friends, friends, friends. Never changes, just 'friends'. I think I'm greedy. I whine when I don't get what I want, to the point it annoys too many people, and they consider me bitter, bitchy, etc. etc. I ramble, as you can see. I use the phrase "it's not fair" a little too often, and from now on, I'll try to keep my mouth shut. Things seem to be better and work out better that way. I have to be there for people, and quit worrying about myself. Things will work out someday, right? It's pathetic, I'm pathetic, and I make myself sick. Shit happens, jesus kels, get over it. Instead of sitting here all night, pathetically writing in this damn journal, I'll leave. I need to go for a walk anyways. No one will notice. No one will care..

Exactly, no one will care. I don't take rejection well.

-kels