2009, so far
I woke up at 7:30 am 1/1/09 and realized that i had passed out the minute i hit my bed after getting back from Aryn's party. I was hoping to stay up and maybe see some tv of the festivities. But no... in order to partay, i drank too much, which meant an early end to the night's partying.
I tried to drink today, cuz it's a day off and all, but couldn't. That's probably a good thing. So now, seein as that i'm not at all intoxicated, i can't fall asleep. I've been laying in bed stuck in my head, stuck stuck stuck, thinking about problems and thinking about why solutions wouldn't work.
But i'm inspired by Holly Jean's year-in-review post to start writing here more... kinda mostly for myself, so I can review. So
These are the kinds of things on my mind these days: 1) what's my career going to be? if i don't pick one now and focus, will i be able to accomplish anything?
2) how can i meet people and make new, good friends?
3) how can i meet girls or have a relationship again? not only do i have trouble meeting em, but then how the hell can i convince anyone i'm worthwhile, competition is so damn rough
4) have i lost the personality i had years ago, in high school and college? if i have, can i get back? (i sing the weezer line in my head all the time that goes like "i wanna get back, i wanna get back, and i don't even know how i got off the tracks)
5) should i give up on music? i know i've got some talent, but i'm not sure i have the drive and ambition i need...
That's a short list.
One thing i've decided (one of those solutions i'm always trying to think up) is that i need more input, more than just watching the same reruns over and over, listening to the same albums. I need to watch NEW things, and read! and watch movies! so i watched 8 1/2 tonight. It made a lot more sense this time than i remember. I'm also not sure why it didn't make sense to me before. Anyway, it's a movie about introspection and insecurity, quite a fitting movie for me right now. It's about an acclaimed film director who's not sure whether or not to make a movie, not sure about what he has to say. He also happens to be married but has many, many affairs. In one scene all about his many, many romances, he says something like "i can't choose a path because there are so many, and i'm afraid i'll pick the wrong one." Certainly that can apply to women and marriage, but i think the line itself applies to everything in this guy's life, and it applies perfectly to # 1 on my list up there.
So what's the deal with me and music? If i go to school for something else, something would make use of my school skills but which doesn't need all the drive and ambition it takes to be a pro musician, would i regret giving up the dream for the rest of my life?
I don't have an answer right now. But i'd like to post here an email i wrote my sister about a therapy session i had a few weeks ago... i had a revelation. The session started with me talking about my food and drink habits, but by the end, it was about EVERYTHING, including why i'm stuck, stuck, stuck in my head all the time: expectations. I'm hoping to keep this revelation in mind in the future:
So i told [my therapist] how i expect for myself that i should be able to quickly adopt all the good habits, how i expect that i ought to be able to just start living the right way, that i need to start living the right way, right away!
And so then i said that maybe i have that expectation for myself and i have a hard time taking the little steps, the little triumphs seriously, in the same way that i have this expectation for myself to be a big time something, a LEADER. So we talked about that more, and can you guess who came up?
I remember dad explicitly telling me, word for word "you are a leader" and "you are better than them." I think it mostly came when i was in little league and couldn't make friends with the other kids, cuz not only did i go to a different school, but i was also a terrible athlete. My little league experience has come up a lot in therapy.
But in addition to dad telling me in that situation (and most likely others too) that i was better than other people, that i was a leader, i also grew up hearing all the time how much better he was than everyone else at Grossmont, not only the other faculty and staff, but he also talked about how his work ethic was so much better than his students' and he always told me (and i'm sure he told you too) that i was better than his students.
So you take that and add to it the feeling i got when i started playing guitar that i actually was better (i don't think i really believed him till i started playing guitar or till they started posting up grade rankings and putting our gpa rank on our report cards in high school), and i got this expectation that i needed to be something really special.
I never wanted to be something special necessarily for my own sake. I was saying to myself i would only use any fortune that comes my way for other people (yeknow, like what jesus would do). In my conscious mind, i can barely get myself to do anything for my own sake that doesn't hurt other people (which is why eating greasy cheeseburgers is something i can do. it feels good, but it only hurts me, doesn't affect anyone else... till i have a heart attack at least).
Nevertheless, somewhere in my psyche, i desired some kind of well-known, top-rated role as a means validating myself. Yeknow, i have a hard time making friends in person with people, so i can't impress them all by letting them get to know my personality. Instead, the only way to validate this life and body to them, the only way i can prove i'm decent and special (and better than someone else) is from afar, on a stage.
So, as soon as i thought about that, i felt a big relief. I started feeling like i don't want to just be working to validate myself to strangers from afar (which is what working to be a band frontman/singer was). Instead of waiting to enjoy things, instead of waiting till i feel like i've made it or something with a band, i should be able to enjoy what i've got, to not just be waiting on the future.
As i walked home from the session, i was feeling liberated.
I tried to drink today, cuz it's a day off and all, but couldn't. That's probably a good thing. So now, seein as that i'm not at all intoxicated, i can't fall asleep. I've been laying in bed stuck in my head, stuck stuck stuck, thinking about problems and thinking about why solutions wouldn't work.
But i'm inspired by Holly Jean's year-in-review post to start writing here more... kinda mostly for myself, so I can review. So
These are the kinds of things on my mind these days: 1) what's my career going to be? if i don't pick one now and focus, will i be able to accomplish anything?
2) how can i meet people and make new, good friends?
3) how can i meet girls or have a relationship again? not only do i have trouble meeting em, but then how the hell can i convince anyone i'm worthwhile, competition is so damn rough
4) have i lost the personality i had years ago, in high school and college? if i have, can i get back? (i sing the weezer line in my head all the time that goes like "i wanna get back, i wanna get back, and i don't even know how i got off the tracks)
5) should i give up on music? i know i've got some talent, but i'm not sure i have the drive and ambition i need...
That's a short list.
One thing i've decided (one of those solutions i'm always trying to think up) is that i need more input, more than just watching the same reruns over and over, listening to the same albums. I need to watch NEW things, and read! and watch movies! so i watched 8 1/2 tonight. It made a lot more sense this time than i remember. I'm also not sure why it didn't make sense to me before. Anyway, it's a movie about introspection and insecurity, quite a fitting movie for me right now. It's about an acclaimed film director who's not sure whether or not to make a movie, not sure about what he has to say. He also happens to be married but has many, many affairs. In one scene all about his many, many romances, he says something like "i can't choose a path because there are so many, and i'm afraid i'll pick the wrong one." Certainly that can apply to women and marriage, but i think the line itself applies to everything in this guy's life, and it applies perfectly to # 1 on my list up there.
So what's the deal with me and music? If i go to school for something else, something would make use of my school skills but which doesn't need all the drive and ambition it takes to be a pro musician, would i regret giving up the dream for the rest of my life?
I don't have an answer right now. But i'd like to post here an email i wrote my sister about a therapy session i had a few weeks ago... i had a revelation. The session started with me talking about my food and drink habits, but by the end, it was about EVERYTHING, including why i'm stuck, stuck, stuck in my head all the time: expectations. I'm hoping to keep this revelation in mind in the future:
So i told [my therapist] how i expect for myself that i should be able to quickly adopt all the good habits, how i expect that i ought to be able to just start living the right way, that i need to start living the right way, right away!
And so then i said that maybe i have that expectation for myself and i have a hard time taking the little steps, the little triumphs seriously, in the same way that i have this expectation for myself to be a big time something, a LEADER. So we talked about that more, and can you guess who came up?
I remember dad explicitly telling me, word for word "you are a leader" and "you are better than them." I think it mostly came when i was in little league and couldn't make friends with the other kids, cuz not only did i go to a different school, but i was also a terrible athlete. My little league experience has come up a lot in therapy.
But in addition to dad telling me in that situation (and most likely others too) that i was better than other people, that i was a leader, i also grew up hearing all the time how much better he was than everyone else at Grossmont, not only the other faculty and staff, but he also talked about how his work ethic was so much better than his students' and he always told me (and i'm sure he told you too) that i was better than his students.
So you take that and add to it the feeling i got when i started playing guitar that i actually was better (i don't think i really believed him till i started playing guitar or till they started posting up grade rankings and putting our gpa rank on our report cards in high school), and i got this expectation that i needed to be something really special.
I never wanted to be something special necessarily for my own sake. I was saying to myself i would only use any fortune that comes my way for other people (yeknow, like what jesus would do). In my conscious mind, i can barely get myself to do anything for my own sake that doesn't hurt other people (which is why eating greasy cheeseburgers is something i can do. it feels good, but it only hurts me, doesn't affect anyone else... till i have a heart attack at least).
Nevertheless, somewhere in my psyche, i desired some kind of well-known, top-rated role as a means validating myself. Yeknow, i have a hard time making friends in person with people, so i can't impress them all by letting them get to know my personality. Instead, the only way to validate this life and body to them, the only way i can prove i'm decent and special (and better than someone else) is from afar, on a stage.
So, as soon as i thought about that, i felt a big relief. I started feeling like i don't want to just be working to validate myself to strangers from afar (which is what working to be a band frontman/singer was). Instead of waiting to enjoy things, instead of waiting till i feel like i've made it or something with a band, i should be able to enjoy what i've got, to not just be waiting on the future.
As i walked home from the session, i was feeling liberated.