In which I am crunk

Mar 08, 2010 20:12

'But oh, beamish nephew, beware of the day,
If you're snark be a boojum! For then
You will softly and suddenly vanish away,
And never be met with again.'
Lewis Carrol

I wrote this in the 'hip-hop' style for a friend.

The Crab Who Loved Bling

Listen, I wanna tell you all a story about crustaceans,
At the bottom of the sea where it's dark as bleak damnation
They're living with no hope, and they can't cope
at the end of their rope on the seabed's gentle slope,
and they can't deal with the coral infestations
That blight their lives. It's such a tragedy.
See there once was this crab, and he was soft and alone
Living out on the on the sea-bed, he didn't have a home
When the dogfish came their attack was intense
He was naked and prone
All he was wanted was an instrument
To help him get some self-defense
But the fish they all laughed at him
As he scuttled for safety. Away from his tormentors
Until over by the black rock
He saw a great big empty shell
That was just the thing to hide in and block
Their evil attacks on him
So he went on over and slipped it on
And came out from behind that rock snapping his claws
To lay his vengeance upon
All those sleek and predatory killers
And though they begged and begged
For the pinching to stop,
He showed them no mercy.
The shell covered him like armour
When he saw a sea anemonae
Well, she begged him not to harm her
Or her family, but he just put them right up there on his shell
One in the middle, one right and one left
All the stings swaying sinister like an afro of death
Cruising sideways thru his 'hood with his crazy claws a-snappin',
He saw a baby dogfish and he gave that bitch a slappin'
Though the plankton was talkin' shit, it didn't bother his ass none
He just leaned back in his shell
And thought in time, well he'd just whack'em.
Now down there in the ocean there's many a gleaming treasure
And though some may have tried
Well it's just impossible to measure, all the gold rings, and rubies
And other precious things
That have been lost down there in the oceans murky swirls.
And when the crab found a sunken chest
Smashed open and spillin' out pearls
And gold rings and other types of bling
Then he didn't hesitate to take it all
To adorn that shell that he had worn
Since that day when he met the dogfish.
And then he began to kill fish and molluscs and their spawn
That had done nothing to provoke
He'd killed them for gold, or sliver, or just for a joke
Until one day he saw a shiny little hook on the floor
It was brighter and more pointy than he'd ever seen before
And he wanted it on his shell,
So he walked right on over and with his mandibles he grabbed it
And then it began to pull him and pull him up higher,
And though he tried to jab at it,
He had no time to yell or holler,
Up and up he went til he was right out of the water.
He was caught by some fishermen
They baked him and they dressed him
And they put in on a sea-food platter
Ripped out of his shell. Served for lunch in a small
bed and breakfast in Torquey.
So if you love shiny things then you here listen up to me
We gotta change the way we act and not
Bring each other down or
We'll all just end up baked 'til were tasty and brown.
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