Stop spinning
Ive been staring at this blank journal page for 21 minutes now.
My mind is spinning and wont slow down enough to make out any clear thoughts.
I arrive in BC 2 weeks today. Ill be there for four months. Thats a cold hard fact.
Im leaving here. And him. Another fact.
But how I feel about either of these things is what has become confusing to me in the last 24 hours.
I havent done a real show with a real character since Grade 12. I dont think im ready for this. I dont want to let anyone down. I really cant let myself down. I just cant.
Im afraid Im going to hate it. Im more afraid im going to love it. Im afraid Ill be really bad. Im more afraid ill be really good and it may lead to another great opportunity.
Costa Rica is home now. I dont want to leave home. Im afraid Ill miss it so much I wont be able to breathe. Im more afraid I wont miss it at all.
Im afraid he wont miss me.
Thats it. I think thats what im really afraid of. Im afraid he wont miss me. Im afraid he wont wait for me to come back. And Im afraid that love doesnt always prevail.
I dont know why im feeling this now. The believer in true love. In our true love.
It could be because I know we dont do long distance well. We never have. It could be because he came home drunk last night and pushed me away because he is hurting. And Im hurting. So then I push back.
Or it could just be that this is life and that everyone is really afraid inside. Maybe?
I feel lost.
My mind is spinning and wont slow down enough to make out any clear thoughts.
I arrive in BC 2 weeks today. Ill be there for four months. Thats a cold hard fact.
Im leaving here. And him. Another fact.
But how I feel about either of these things is what has become confusing to me in the last 24 hours.
I havent done a real show with a real character since Grade 12. I dont think im ready for this. I dont want to let anyone down. I really cant let myself down. I just cant.
Im afraid Im going to hate it. Im more afraid im going to love it. Im afraid Ill be really bad. Im more afraid ill be really good and it may lead to another great opportunity.
Costa Rica is home now. I dont want to leave home. Im afraid Ill miss it so much I wont be able to breathe. Im more afraid I wont miss it at all.
Im afraid he wont miss me.
Thats it. I think thats what im really afraid of. Im afraid he wont miss me. Im afraid he wont wait for me to come back. And Im afraid that love doesnt always prevail.
I dont know why im feeling this now. The believer in true love. In our true love.
It could be because I know we dont do long distance well. We never have. It could be because he came home drunk last night and pushed me away because he is hurting. And Im hurting. So then I push back.
Or it could just be that this is life and that everyone is really afraid inside. Maybe?
I feel lost.