Competence
Mondays and Tuesdays are rough. Yesterday I gave blood in the campus blood drive. I've donated a lot by this point, so I generally know what to expect. I went through the pre-screening interview, and everything was fine, but when I met the person who would be taking my blood, I became a little worried. She seemed to be in a bad mood, explaining everything to me as if she were reading out of a book, emotionless and uncaring. She tied the tourniquet much tighter than the nurses in the past normally have, and my arm soon fell asleep. She stuck me, and of course the blood was coming out slowly. Later, she adjusted the tourniquet to be slightly looser after looking disappointed in the slow flow of blood. Then another nurse walked by and became curious at this problem too. She decided to adjust the needle. I was very nervous as soon as she said "Tell me if it hurts." There was slight pain at first, but then I swear she hit a nerve because man that hurt! They took the needle out soon after, and I don't think I filled up a whole unit. I asked the original nurse if they would use what I did manage to donate. I think she was lying when she said yes because I didn't see her scan all the barcodes on my samples like she did for the other donors. Well, I suppose I haven't gotten screwed before when donating at a blood drive, so I was due. But in the future I'll make it a point to donate directly at the blood center since most of the nurses there seem to know what they're doing, and I can develop a relationship with them.
On a totally unrelated topic, man do I miss the limited multitasking that I had to do over the summer. Already at school I feel like I have ten thousand things to keep track of. I was a little frustrated when my advisor asked me to sign up for an additional seminar after I'm already enrolled in two project classes and another seminar. And it's also frustrating how I allocate 8-10 hours for my algorithms homework and still don't finish the way I want to. And then there's a project for my other class to work on, and I have to get going on the project for my master's work. Ahhhh, so many things to do again!!! I can't wait until I'm done with classes and TAing, and then I can really focus just on the research.
You know, I really wonder if I'm setting myself up for a life filled with this sort of intensity. I really do like the field that I'm in, but I don't want the rest of my life to be this busy. I hate keeping track of so many things. I used to be better at it and even enjoy it, but that was back when I could better estimate how long things took. And I always felt satisfied when I finished everything and my plans all worked out. However, I keep feeling like graduate school has been one failed plan after another. There's essentially nothing wrong with this, and it's nothing that will prevent me from graduating, but it makes for a very very bumpy ride at times. I like to be on top of things, to only sign up for what I know I can handle. Perhaps that doesn't make me grow as fast, but it really demoralizes me to constantly be in a state where I keep coming short of my expectations and I'm unsure about my competence.
I should step back more often and reflect on the countless blessings that I have received, especially in recent times. I hope that this bit of venting doesn't keep me from losing sight of the big picture, in which little of the work really matters anyway.
On a totally unrelated topic, man do I miss the limited multitasking that I had to do over the summer. Already at school I feel like I have ten thousand things to keep track of. I was a little frustrated when my advisor asked me to sign up for an additional seminar after I'm already enrolled in two project classes and another seminar. And it's also frustrating how I allocate 8-10 hours for my algorithms homework and still don't finish the way I want to. And then there's a project for my other class to work on, and I have to get going on the project for my master's work. Ahhhh, so many things to do again!!! I can't wait until I'm done with classes and TAing, and then I can really focus just on the research.
You know, I really wonder if I'm setting myself up for a life filled with this sort of intensity. I really do like the field that I'm in, but I don't want the rest of my life to be this busy. I hate keeping track of so many things. I used to be better at it and even enjoy it, but that was back when I could better estimate how long things took. And I always felt satisfied when I finished everything and my plans all worked out. However, I keep feeling like graduate school has been one failed plan after another. There's essentially nothing wrong with this, and it's nothing that will prevent me from graduating, but it makes for a very very bumpy ride at times. I like to be on top of things, to only sign up for what I know I can handle. Perhaps that doesn't make me grow as fast, but it really demoralizes me to constantly be in a state where I keep coming short of my expectations and I'm unsure about my competence.
I should step back more often and reflect on the countless blessings that I have received, especially in recent times. I hope that this bit of venting doesn't keep me from losing sight of the big picture, in which little of the work really matters anyway.