Fic: I Don't Know How To Love Him
Title: I Don’t Know How To Love Him
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 8,700
Warnings: Religious discussion
Summary: Kris and Adam are in a traveling production of Jesus Christ, Superstar and Kris hopes this chance to be with Adam will bring them back together.
Author notes: The story is told through both their eyes, changing POV’s in every scene. Thanks to catalm for being my beta!
Adam couldn’t believe his ears. A long-time dream might come true - yet at what emotional cost?
“I think you should be the one to ask him.” Adam said it flat, matter-of-fact, then listened for the man’s response on the other end of the line.
Adam couldn’t believe his ears. The guy was pressing for him to intervene! “I understand that he’s more likely to say yes to me,” Adam continued, more animated this time. “But I think he should do this because he wants to and not because I asked him to. It’s your show - I’ll feel much better about doing this if you’ve been professional about it.”
They chatted a few more moments, but Adam could tell he’d finally gotten through to the guy. If Mark Abramson needed both Adam and Kris for his “vision” for this musical to be realized, then he’d have to do his own casting work. Adam wasn’t doing his job for him. He’d made it obvious that his respect for the guy as a producer and director, no matter how highly recommended he was, would be compromised if he kept pushing.
“Yes, get back with me if it looks like it’s going to happen,” Adam nodded at the phone. “I’ll have my manager mark those dates off as tentative.”
Pushing “end” on his cell, Adam sat down and rested his face in his hands. He wasn’t sure whether to be excited or overwhelmed. He shook his head, pondering it all. Mark Abramson wanted him to be Judas in a three-week traveling production of Jesus Christ, Superstar. It was very public knowledge that Adam wanted this - wanted it bad! Three weeks wouldn’t put too much of a squeeze on the process of putting together album number two; a process he’d just begun following his fall 2010 European tour. It sounded practically perfect, really: A February, 2011 traveling production, touring in milder southern and southwestern states - and something that fit into his schedule so well, too!
Then there was that sticking point. The reason why Abramson had been willing to invest his time and money into producing and directing such a project: he’d been inspired by Kris and Adam’s “friendship” and Adam’s own comments that he’d love to play Judas in the famous rock opera and that “Kris could play Jesus.”
Adam stood and began pacing. This was complicated. How could he tell the excited producer, sure he had a hit on his hands, that he and Kris never occupied the same space anymore, that their phone conversations were awkward, that they’d never gotten over the realization that they’d fallen in love but could never act upon that love?
Love, Adam thought. The word couldn’t begin to encompass all his feelings. The mere mention of Kris’s name brought so many more: Adoration. Sadness. Arousal. Guilt. Longing. Joy. Kris was practically every feeling in his emotional vocabulary. Married Kris. Lovable, guy-next-door reputation. Mostly conservative fanbase.
They’d known it could never work between them, so they’d decided to move on, make the lives they’d chosen work the best they knew how.
I never even kissed him! That one thought split through Adam’s chest like a sharp blade and he instinctively covered his vulnerable heart with his hand. Kris had wanted him. The last time they’d been together, Kris had pleaded with his eyes and moved toward him, but Adam had rejected him. “No, Kris. I can’t keep hurting like this. I’ll never be able to forget you if you kiss me.”
Adam had seen the hurt in Kris’s eyes as he continued: “I don’t think we can stop with a kiss. We’ll go too far, and we’ll both regret it.” Then Adam had pushed him away. “Go, enjoy tour. Have fun with your band and your fans. Try to make a life with Katy. Forget about me.”
That was last May. They’d only spoken occasionally over the past seven months. Adam was moving on. He was healing. Why rip his heart back open?
One thought eased his worries. This tour would probably never happen. Despite the fact that Jesus Christ, Superstar was a story told through music, it still required acting. Kris hated acting.
***
What is wrong with me? What was I thinking? Kris held on to his stomach as a fit of nausea overtook him. He sat quickly, breathing deeply to steady himself as he mentally replayed it. Yes, he’d just agreed to sing and act in a rock opera - one of the most famous of all time, Jesus Christ Superstar. On top of that, he’d agreed without asking management first. He’d actually - he still couldn’t believe himself - agreed on the spot, eagerly, with no hesitation to the lead role. To being Jesus, for Christ’s sake! Kris thought, then snickered at how ridiculous he was.
It was all because of Adam.
Because he’d never gotten over Adam and he never would.
Because his feeble attempt to make his marriage work was a farce.
Because this Abramson dude was only interested in producing the show if they were both in it.
Because this was Adam’s dream role and Kris would do anything - absolutely, positively anything - to see Adam happy.
Because Adam couldn’t avoid him if they were traveling for almost a month in the same production together.
Because Adam would have to sing to Kris, over and over again, night after night. It would be like the magic of Idols Live tour all over again.
As Kris thought about Adam, the nausea left. It was replaced with excitement about that last thought. He didn’t even care if Adam also had to betray him, over and over again, as Judas. They’d be together. And, if he remembered this production correctly, Adam would have to kiss him on the cheek. Every show, for three weeks. A slow grin spread across his face. This might even be worth the humiliation of displaying his poor acting skills.
***
Adam chuckled as he read the text from Kris: I’m an idiot!
Kris really was asking for it. Adam texted back: That’s a known fact. So what have you done that’s especially idiotic?
Adam stuck his phone back in his pocket as he put away the breakfast dishes. It took only moments for the tone that told him he had an answer: It’s all your fault that I’m an idiot.
Do tell, he shot back.
I won’t need to tell you, Kris answered. You’ll know soon.
Kris was right. A few minutes later, Adam’s phone rang. It was Lane, giving him the good news: “Jesus Christ, Superstar is a go! I’m emailing you some instructions from the director. He wants you to start now learning the music for the part of Judas. First two weeks of February are rehearsal; last two weeks of February and first week of March for touring.”
Adam couldn’t believe his ears. “For real? I guess that’s what Kris meant when he said he was an idiot.”
“I suppose so, but Mr. Abramson said Kris didn’t need any convincing. He said yes on the spot.”
Adam nodded. “Idiot.”
Lane laughed. “Whatever you say. But get cracking on that music. It’s all in the email. Oh, and he wants to know if you have any good ideas for someone to play Mary Magdalene. Talk later!”
Adam stared at the quiet phone for a moment, then opened up the last text message from Kris and replied: Idiot!
***
Kris slipped quietly into the rehearsal studio. He’d phoned ahead to say he’d be late and had been assured they were starting with Adam’s opening number. Kris didn’t tell them the reason he was late - he’d spent the last hour bent over a toilet, losing his breakfast and maybe the previous day’s meals, too. And this was only rehearsal.
He wasn’t sure if it was just the acting that made his stomach react this way. He was about to see Adam for the first time since Adam had pushed him away all those months ago - rejected him, tears in his eyes but still stubborn and unmovable. Kris had told Adam he hoped he could move on and be happy without him, but that was a lie. Kris wanted Adam still miserable, just like him. It was only fair. He felt guilty about it, but it was the truth. No use hiding his feelings.
He slid in backstage unnoticed because all eyes were on Adam belting out “Heaven on Their Minds.” Kris heard the haunting and prophetic lines:
Listen Jesus, do you care for your race?
Don't you see we must keep in our place?
We are occupied
Have you forgotten how put down we are?
I am frightened by the crowd
For we are getting much too loud
And they'll crush us if we go too far
If we go too far
Mesmerized, Kris watched as Adam poured himself into the song. Judas’s feelings of dread, his fear that Jesus was stirring up too much trouble and this would not end well - Adam’s face told it all, head raised to heaven, eyes pleading, shine of wetness on his cheek. This didn’t help his queasy stomach any. When it came to their musical careers, Kris had always felt it pointless to compare himself to Adam. He knew he was better off doing his own thing and not trying to measure up to anyone else. But this was different. Kris had no confidence when it came to acting, and Adam’s comfort in the role was only going to make him more nervous, more likely to compare and come up sorely lacking. He didn’t think he could do this.
Then Adam was finished and walking off the stage straight for him. Kris figured he’s spied him lurking in the shadows. Briefly, like a little child caught peeking into his parents’ bedroom, he considered hiding and then felt foolish as Adam gathered him into his arms, whispering, “So good to see you,” into his ear. Kris clung then, clung tight. Nothing ever felt so right as to be enveloped by Adam. He didn’t even mind that it made him feel smaller. It also made him feel loved and protected.
Breaking apart, Kris saw concern in Adam’s eyes. “You look pale, Kris! Are you okay?”
Shrugging, Kris replied. “I will be. I think. Upset stomach from nerves, I guess.”
Adam patted him on the head, then let a hand drift down his neck to his shoulder. Kris suppressed a shiver at his gentle touch. “You’ll be fine. More than fine - great! You’ll see!”
“I don’t know. You’re so good at this and I really suck. The only reason I was willing to give this a try was because it’s mostly singing. But crap! I have to move and interact with people while singing. Not good. Not good at all.”
“You know I’m going to kick your ass if you compare yourself to me, right?”
“Yeah, I know. But it’s hard not to, so I’m prepared for some ass-kicking. I suppose I may as well turn around and bend over.”
Adam eyes lit up as he started to reply, then bit off the words that nearly slipped out. Kris knew Adam so well - he’d started to say something innuendo-laden, then thought better of it. Just one more sign of their strained relationship. “Let’s make a deal,” Adam finally said. “When you’ve got as much experience as me with this stage stuff, then you can compare us. Okay?”
“Meaning, never.” Kris said, laughing. That felt better. Maybe all they really needed was a good laugh together. He decided to look for opportunities to have some fun during this production. They’d rebuild this relationship slowly. Kris didn’t want to push his luck. He took a deep breath and was ready to move on. “Okay, point me in the right direction and let’s get the worst over with.”
Grinning, Adam grabbed Kris by the shoulders to steer him. “The stage is that way. I don’t think you can miss it.” And, for good measure, Adam’s hurried him along with a foot to his backside, just like he’d asked for.
***
Adam watched Kris get set for his first scene. He saw him fidget, trying to find something to do with his hands. He was so used to having a guitar or microphone to hold onto. The disciples were singing “What’s the buzz, tell me what’s happening,” while Kris sang back as Jesus telling them, basically, that it was none of their business what his plans were. Adam laughed. This was what he liked about the Jesus he’d read about. Adam certainly wasn’t a Christian - he’d made that plain to all the “merry Christmas” well-wishers on twitter - but he still admired Jesus. He’d always seen Jesus as a cool guy, quick-witted and just a bit cynical about human nature, but able to love people anyway. Quite a gift, knowing their quirky ways and inconsistencies. Jesus was kindness and compassion with a side of snark, Adam thought. Kris is perfect for the role.
Except Kris hadn’t realized it yet. His nerves were like a neon sign flashing his discomfort. By the time Mary Magdalene began to “minister” to him - rubbing his feet, stroking his hair - even the surprise of finding Adam’s best friend Danielle playing the role couldn’t relax him. He tried to warble out the lines directed at the self-appointed judges who were appalled at Mary’s actions:
Who are you
To criticize her?
Who are you
To despise her?
Leave her, leave her
Let her be now
Leave her, leave her
She's with me now
If your slate is clean
Then you can throw stones
If your slate is not
Then leave her alone!
Kris sang the words, but his voice was weak and barely carried, and his breathing was labored. Adam was afraid he might hyperventilate. Apparently the director was worried, too. Mr. Abramson tried to calm Kris, assuring him that he knew how to sing. “Just concentrate on the singing at first. The rest will come later.”
Kris nodded yes but his body language said no. Adam spoke up, “Mr. Abramson, could I have a word with Kris? I think I could help.”
“Sure, Adam. That would be great.” The director called for a break and Adam motioned for Kris to come backstage.
He did, legs wobbly. Adam wondered if Kris hadn’t told him the whole truth about only having an upset stomach this morning. He patted the spot beside him on an old couch and Kris happily collapsed beside him, their thighs touching.
Adam took Kris’s chin in his hands and made him look into his eyes. “You can do this as long as you don’t try to act, Kris.”
“Umm, I thought that was the idea.”
“No, Kris. No. You’re probably never going to be comfortable acting. But this role is hardly acting. You just have to be Jesus to people. That you can do! I should know - I’ve seen you!”
“I hear words coming out of your mouth, but they make no sense,” Kris said, blank look in his eyes. “Please try again.”
Shaking his head, Adam continued. “I have a better idea than words. I have my laptop here - I’ll show you.”
Grabbing his shoulder bag and booting up his computer, Adam found the file he wanted. Last year someone had linked him to a high-def video of Kris performing “Let It Be” in the early weeks of American Idol season 9. He was glad he’d saved it. “Watch this!” Adam enthused.
When Kris realized what it was, he balked. “Watch myself? You’ve got to be kidding me. I never watch myself sing.”
“Don’t watch yourself sing, then. But look at the background video of you in Haiti.”
Kris was quiet as the footage played - footage of him with the villagers, with the children. He remembered back to that short but inspiring day.
The video faded out and Kris asked the question on his mind. “So?”
Adam was exasperated. “Were you ‘acting’ that day, just pretending to care about people?”
“Of course not! They were wonderful people. They’d been through so much and I wished I could have made it all better for them.”
“Exactly! Do that! Love people! This song is about people judging Mary - and judging Jesus for having anything to do with her. But Jesus refuses to see people that way. He just loves her, and feels bad for the things she’s been through. When the song calls for love and compassion, then you do that. And when it calls for anger or rebuke, get some righteous indignation going.” Adam paused, then had an idea. “Try this: Think about the people who said those Haitians didn’t deserve our help because they were pagan devil worshippers and deserved what they got.”
“That’s crazy! Why would anybody say something like that?”
“Well, Kris, I don’t understand why, but people did say things like that. It makes you angry, doesn’t it? It should! And you really only need those two things for this role - love and righteous anger, with maybe a little confusion for the Gethsemane scene.”
Kris’s eyes lit up. “Yes! I can do confusion!” Adam laughed, tugging Kris close against his side. It felt good to have him there. Too good.
The mood changed as Kris paused to search Adam’s face. How Adam had missed looking into those deep brown eyes! Finally Kris spoke. “I think I get it now. Thank you, Adam. I couldn’t do this without you.” Kris pulled himself off the soft sofa cushion and took a deep, calming breath as he headed for the stage. As he left Adam sitting there, he tossed a few more words over his shoulder: “Of course, I only said yes in the first place to be near you.”
Well, Adam hadn’t expected that! He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised. Kris hadn’t ever learned the fine art of subtlety.
***
Kris listened as Mr. Abramson explained to the crew that they would run through the main songs to finish off the first rehearsal day. Later, he’d add the sung dialogue between songs that told the rest of the story. “Those sections are more difficult,” the director said. “I think we’ll save that ‘til those less familiar with acting are more comfortable with the whole process.” Kris was relieved that Mr. Abramson didn’t stare straight at him as he spoke. The man had tact, even if he wasn’t fooling anyone.
They moved on to a song called “Everything’s Alright.” This was one of Mary Magdalene’s main numbers. Kris was relieved - all he had to do was sit back and try to rest while Danielle sang and Adam’s Judas got indignant about the sinful woman with her hands all over him. He lay back on the floor, resting his head on a pillow as Danielle’s sweet voice projected the tender lyrics:
Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you
oh Don't you know
Everything's alright
Yes everything's fine
And we want you to sleep well tonight
Let the world turn without you tonight
If we try
We'll get by
So forget all about us tonight
Kris found himself relaxing as she wiped his face with a wet towel. He didn’t know Danielle well, but he liked her. She was special - she’d stuck with Adam through good times and bad, through hurts by people close to him and mudslinging by the press. Kris reached out to touch her arm gently and sighed in contentment as she continued singing:
Sleep and I shall soothe you
Calm you and anoint you
Myrrh for your hot forehead
oh Then you'll feel
Everything's all right
Yes everything's fine
And it's cool and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet
Close your eyes
Close your eyes
Kris stroked her cheek and smiled at her as she sang. He hoped not to distract her as he whispered, “I’m so glad you got this part,” then closed his eyes and feigned sleep.
He struggled to keep his eyes closed as Adam threw himself into the part of Judas from the background. His presence was nearly impossible to ignore as he spouted out the angry lyrics:
Woman your fine ointment
Brand new and expensive
Should have been saved for the poor
Why has it been wasted?
We could have raised maybe
Three hundred silver pieces or more
People who are hungry
People who are starving
Matter more
Than your feet and hair
Mary paid no attention to the angry man in the background, though. She just kept singing love-filled words. She was magic. Kris decided Adam was right. It wouldn’t be “acting” to project love and compassion in scenes with Danielle. Loving her was easy. Maybe he could do this, after all.
***
They ran through all the songs, ignoring the mistakes. Day one of rehearsals had turned into “let’s get comfortable with one another” day and that was fine by Adam. He didn’t show it, but he wasn’t completely relaxed either. He’d only performed one of Judas’ numbers before, so his rehearsal was nowhere near perfection. There were a lot of lyrics to learn and wordy songs often tripped him up. But maybe it was good he flubbed some, he reasoned. Kris needed to know that nobody was perfect at the first rehearsal.
Mr. Abramson gathered them in the audience seating area to talk through the scenes they’d skipped. Adam found an end seat and motioned for Danielle to sit next to him, then looked up to find Kris staring at him, eyes wide and bottom lip protruding. “You could both scoot down one seat so I could sit next to you,” he said to Adam, tone accusing.
Adam cocked his head up and sideways. “Or I could stay here and watch your rejected puppy dog expression,” he mused.
Danielle slapped at Adam’s arm and moved one seat over, tugging Adam along. “That’s no way to treat Jesus, Adam!” she teased.
“Yeah. Listen to her, Adam!” Kris said as he plopped down next to him. “I think I’m gonna like this Jesus thing after all.”
Adam shook his head. He still wasn’t sure about any of this. He’d so missed the days when he and Kris had been connected at the hip - yet, having it happen again would only tear open the wounds.
It would take time to work through these feelings, so he shoved the thoughts aside as their director sat on the edge of the stage to explain his vision for the rock opera. “We didn’t do all the connecting parts today; plus, I’m sure you’ve all seen the movie and I want to go over things that will be different from that version. Are there differences you’ve already noticed?” he asked the cast in general.
The guy playing Peter piped up, “I’m guessing we won’t enter or exit by way of a mini-bus.”
“Bingo!” Abramson said, laughing. “But that’s a good observation. I’ve only made two real changes and that’s one of them. The other change is very minor, but it involves the ending. It always bothered me that the movie ends with Jesus hanging on the cross. They did show the sun rising over the mountain to shine on an empty cross, but that didn’t change my feeling that the end lacked compassion. I want to close the show with the people who loved Jesus around his body, especially Mary - tenderly touching him and weeping. So Kris, we will be taking you down off the cross at the end.”
Adam glanced to the side as Kris wiped imaginary sweat off his brow. “Wow - that’s a relief!”
***
It was week two of rehearsal and Kris was finally feeling comfortable with this acting thing. As the director called for the next scene to begin, Kris sang the closing lines of Gethsemane and thought about that awful moment - the time when Jesus was yanked away from the people closest to him and headed on the road to false trial and crucifixion. The worst part was being betrayed by one of his own. By Judas. Was Judas really just greedy, as the Bible seemed to paint the story? Or was it that he simply hadn’t understood Jesus and wanted things to unfold his way instead of the strange path that Jesus was taking? That was how Jesus Christ, Superstar painted Judas.
Trying to understand Judas’s motives made Kris’s head hurt. He was glad he didn’t have to, and that Adam seemed to have pegged the character perfectly. As the scene continued to unfold, he sensed Adam approaching him from behind, smelled his cologne, became wrapped up in his aura. Of course, at this point in the production he knew Adam would be right there; but this “sensing Adam” thing was always true, even when they weren’t following a script. Adam could invent the world’s best disguise and Kris would still know if he was nearby, because this knowledge didn’t depend on sight. They knew one another down to their souls, and whether or not Adam ever acknowledged they were soul-mates didn’t change the truth of it.
The moment was approaching. He felt Adam press up behind him. Leaning in, Adam exhaled, breath heating the air between them. The hairs on the back of Kris’s neck stood up and his whole body felt electrified. It took every ounce of self-restraint he could muster to continue looking straight ahead, to pretend like he didn’t know Adam was about to kiss him on the cheek. Everything in him screamed to turn his head, to meet the kiss, to tell Adam his feelings had never changed. Restraint, Kris! He chided himself. We have a whole month ahead of us. No scaring him away this time!
Kris closed his eyes as Adam’s hands grasped his shoulders and soft lips pressed against his cheek. Was it only his imagination, or did Adam linger there far longer than necessary? As Kris sang the line, “Judas, why do you betray me with a kiss?” and the Roman guards came to grab him, he couldn’t help touching his cheek where Adam’s lips had been, trying somehow to capture it and hold on to it. He shook his head at himself. There were four days of rehearsals to go and then two dozen performances. He wondered if this scene would affect him the same way every single time.
***
Adam scolded himself. Why? Why do I do this to myself? It was a simple kiss on the cheek, for god’s sake!
He knelt on the ground, preparing to deliver Judas’s most agonizing lyrics in the scene before taking his own life:
I don’t know how to love him
I don’t know why he moves me.
Adam looked up to the heavens and nearly shook his fist at whoever might be up there. He really, really didn’t know why, either. He didn’t know why Jesus had turned Judas into such a mess, and he sure as hell didn’t know why Kris did the same damn thing to him. It was labor to sing on, but he did:
He's a man
He's just a man
He's not a king
He's just the same
As anyone I know
He scares me so!
When he's cold and dead
Will he let me be?
Does he love me too?
Does he care for me?
Adam was practically embarrassed as he wiped real tears off his wet cheeks, as he received the congratulations from the crew for “nailing it!” They didn’t have a clue. This part was no longer “acting” for Adam, either.
***
Kris wasn’t sure how moms just knew things, but it was apparently a gift that came naturally, at least for his mom.
“So, what’s up Kris?” she asked as soon as he answered the phone.
“Does anything have to be ‘up’?” he said. “I’m okay. Just a little nervous about heading out on tour tomorrow.”
“It’s more than that.”
She waited. Kris couldn’t get away from answering, apparently, so he gave in. “I’m lonely.” He glanced around the tiny apartment. Nobody knew him in this LA neighborhood and if they did, nobody cared. It sure would have been nice if Adam had offered his guest room instead. But that had been wishful thinking and he’d had to settle for this. At least he’d be out of this small, dingy cave soon.
“I thought you and Adam would be hanging out by now,” she said. She knew exactly where to dig.
“Naw….Hopefully while we’re traveling, though. I didn’t feel like pushing things yet.”
He heard a sigh. Mama wasn’t usually a meddler, but the sigh told Kris the motherly advice was coming. “Somebody else is lonely, Kris. I had dinner with Katy today. I’m not sure she’s handling the separation as well as you think. There was a family with small children at the table beside us and she just kept watching them with longing.” Mama cleared her throat. “You should let her go, Kris. You aren’t going to give her what she feels will make her happy. It isn’t fair to her.”
It felt like a punch in the gut. Kris had accepted a long time ago that he didn’t “love” Katy the way a man should love his wife; yet he cared about her and didn’t want to hurt her. “I’m hoping to know how things with Adam are shaping up soon and then ….”
Mama cut him off. “Adam or no Adam, this isn’t right, son. You’re treating Katy like a security blanket and you’re a little old for that.”
She was right. Of course she was - she was Mom. If things didn’t work out with Adam, that was his problem. He’d survived loneliness before and he would again. It wasn’t right to force Katy to be alone because he couldn’t sort out his life. “Thanks, Mom. I’ll do the right thing.”
“You always do, dear.”
And somehow, when he hung up, Kris didn’t even feel like a piece of shit. He was still nervous about tomorrow and how things would develop - or not - with Adam. But he’d made his choice for real this time.
***
Adam sat close to Danielle as they waited for the final cast meeting before loading up the tour bus and heading out on the road. She leaned in to whisper to him, “You’re doing such a great job! Wondering how all this cheek-kissing Kris is affecting you, though.”
Adam waved her off. “It’s fine! It’s fine! I’m enjoying it.” Adam briefly wondered why he couldn’t tell Danielle the whole truth, when he’d never kept anything from her before. But for some reason he wasn’t ready to tell her he was struggling. “Gotta confess I’m a little jealous of your part!” he continued.
“You get to hang all over him! I’ve about decided, if it wouldn’t have come across campy, I should have auditioned for Mary Magdalene instead.”
Danielle laughed. “You really do rock a dress!”
“You know it!”
They laughed together as Kris joined them for the meeting, question in his eyes ignored by Adam. “You’re laughing at me, aren’t you?” Kris finally asked.
Adam nodded. “Of course we are.”
The director got their attention before Kris could pry any further. “I want to be sure everybody’s comfortable, that we’ve worked out all the kinks and answered all the questions. I’m sure we’ll end up with more kinks and questions, but let’s concentrate on any you have right now. Everybody okay?”
One of the “disciples,” who happened to be Adam’s understudy, spoke up. “I sure wish we’d had more time for the understudies to run through the main roles.”
Abramson pointed at the guy named Carl. “Good point. We’re lacking there. I’m hoping on the road to have a few opportunities to get you singing the Judas role, just in case. But I’m way more worried for your buddy Jake. I don’t think we’re gonna lose Adam anytime soon, but I already see Kris turning green around the gills.”
Kris hid his hands in his face while everybody laughed at him, but still got in the last word: “I’ll have you know, I have the unique ability to sing while puking.”
***
“You either thought I was joking or you find thoughts of me puking onstage funny,” Kris said to Adam, walking beside him to the tour bus.
“You aren’t going to puke onstage,” Adam said, shifting his heavy duffel bag back onto his shoulder. “You’ll be fine.”
“You have no idea.” Kris shook his head. He really might get sick but it would more likely be right now, as they claimed their spots in the bus, rather than tomorrow when they gave their first performance. Would Adam avoid him and choose a bunk as far away as possible? He chided himself. A junior high girl with a crush on the high school quarterback couldn’t be any more ridiculous than he was.
Besides, the decision was already made. A bus full of people gleefully informed them both that they’d saved the back set of bunks for Kris and Adam “at Mr. Abramson’s request.”
Kris gave a nonchalant shrug, but inside he was jumping up and down. As they dragged their bags down the aisle and stopped at the assigned bunks, Kris could see a grin playing at the edges of Adam’s mouth. “So, I like the top?” he said, a question and a laugh in his voice.
“Just like old times,” Kris responded, tossing his bag on the bottom bunk and stretching out in the familiar place. He watched as Adam’s long legs disappeared above him, then heard him muttering about this “not being the star treatment” he got on the Glamnation tour bus.
Kris spoke toward the bed above him. “I’m still hurt that you never showed me that ‘lair’ you bragged about.”
“You’re the one who never came to one of my shows, even though you finished your tour weeks before me and you had free time.” Adam’s tone was accusing.
“You never invited me.” Kris shot back.
Kris heard a loud sigh, then nothing but a charged silence. Finally Adam spoke. “Do you want to climb up here and settle this, or do I have to come down there?”
“Hehehe. Thought you’d never ask!” Kris wasn’t about to miss this opportunity! Before Adam could think better of it and tell him to stay put, Kris was climbing into the top bunk as he had so many times during Idols Live tour. He happily squeezed up close to the guy he wasn’t supposed to be in love with to talk about everything and nothing. “Just like old times, isn’t it?” Kris asked during a pause in their chatter.
“Almost.” Adam responded. “Maybe it’s more like starting over.”
“Starting over.” Kris nodded. “I like that. Maybe we could see where that takes us?”
***
They were about to pull in at city number three, Albuquerque, when Adam spied Kris in the lounge area, tapping away on his laptop, brows knit in concentration. “Whatcha doin’, Kris?” he asked. “Trying to sharpen your acting skills with an internet lesson?”
Kris grinned sheepishly when Adam spied the Travelocity website. “Are you trying to play travel agent again, Kris?”
“Well, you’ve gotta admit,” Kris said, “you didn’t really enjoy visiting the Fender Guitar Center in Scottsdale, even if they did get all excited about meeting you there.”
“It wasn’t exactly my idea of a fun day. No offense.” Adam still couldn’t believe Kris thought a guitar store would be fun for him. Apparently Kris had forgotten those disastrous attempted guitar lessons during Idol tour. Though, come to think of it, he hadn’t minded the sore fingers and pathetic sounds he’d made come out of that guitar as much as he pretended - it had given him one more reason to spend time with Kris.
“See, I wanna do better next time,” Kris continued. “I know we don’t have any free time today, but maybe there’s something fun to do tomorrow in Amarillo besides eating steak.”
Adam sat down beside Kris. “Do you want to know what’s fun to me? Getting to perform in this musical with you. I don’t need any fancy sightseeing to make me happy. This whole thing is already special.”
A big grin took over Kris’s face and he gave up on the web search, closing his laptop. “It is special, isn’t it? I’m not even as bad as I thought I’d be.”
“No false modesty now. You’re great! You should tackle something next time that’s more of a stretch for you, do some real acting.”
Kris shook his head. “I don’t know if I want to stretch that much. But I’m loving this and I just want to make the most of every moment, you know?”
Adam smiled as Kris’s eyes sparkled with joy. God, how Adam had missed seeing him like this!
Kris shook his head incredulously. “I’m not sure I could play Jesus the way he’s normally portrayed. I think church people tend to make him so divine that they miss his human side. But this musical shows him sometimes overwhelmed or afraid. I really identify with it. Of course, that’s one of the reasons a lot of church people don’t like this production at all!”
“That, and the implication that there might be more going on with Mary Magdalene,” Adam added.
“Yeah, that does get them all uptight. That part’s never bothered me, though. The only thing I’m not crazy about is that the resurrection is left out.”
“I think that’s left up to interpretation,” Adam said cautiously. He certainly didn’t want to offend Kris or insult his beliefs. Of all the things they’d ever talked about, they’d usually avoided the subject of religion. “I guess it’s done that way so the play still appeals to people like me, who don’t believe Jesus was God in the flesh, but just a great prophet.”
“True.” Kris was silent for long enough to worry Adam.
“Does that bother you, Kris?”
There was no hurt in Kris’s eyes, only confusion. “Does what bother me?”
“That I don’t see things the same way you do when it comes to religion?”
Realization dawned in Kris’s eyes. “Oh, of course not! Adam, I love you the way you are. I would never try to change you to believe and think like me.” Kris shook his head slowly. “Besides, I’m changing, too. I don’t see Christianity quite the way I used to. I’m not rejecting my upbringing or anything. Just the narrow interpretations some people make. I’m still a fan of Jesus, though!”
“Hey, me too!” Adam said. “That we can agree on. Plus I’m a huge fan of you in the role. You’ve actually surprised me - I knew the singing would be fine, but the rest is great, too!”
“Thanks. It feels good!” Kris looked sideways at Adam, meeting his gaze. “But I gotta say, from the moment I saw you as Judas, I thought it was the most brilliant thing ever. You nail it, every night! I love watching you perform.”
Adam chuckled. Obviously, they were each other’s biggest fans, so it was time to move on and lighten the mood. “I’ll bet I can guess your favorite scene that I’m in,” Adam teased.
“What are we betting?”
Adam paused to think. “If I’m right, then our next day off becomes a spa day.”
Kris laughed. “Okay, but if you’re wrong our next day off we’re playing football!”
“You’re on.” Adam made a show of shaking hands. “So, I say your favorite scene is the same one as mine. Gethsemane. For obvious reasons.” Adam hadn’t been fooled a bit. Kris always tried to be nonchalant when it came to the cheek-kissing scene, but he never fooled Adam.
“Well, slap some mud on my face and buff my nails! You’re right!” Kris closed the space between them until their thighs were touching. It took all the restraint Adam could muster not to pull Kris even closer, to hold him the way he used to without a thought or a worry.
Kris must have felt the tension, too. He shifted and looked away. “Seriously. That scene is awesome. Do you think we could, you know, talk about how that scene makes us feel?”
Adam swallowed hard. He wasn’t ready for this yet. “I really want to, Kris. But I think we should get through the touring first. I’d hate to mess with what’s working, and that scene just works. We start talking about feelings, pretty soon we get all self-conscious and we screw it up.”
Adam watched Kris turn away and swipe at his cheek. Damn! Why do I hurt him like this? “Kris? Does that make sense, or am I just being an ass? Please tell me.”
Kris’s eyes were damp as he met Adam’s gaze. “It does make sense, Adam. You’re always so level headed. I’ll be fine.”
***
Kris had mixed feelings about Jesus Christ, Superstar ending tomorrow. He’d had more fun acting than he ever thought possible and he’d enjoyed these weeks of getting to know Adam all over again. Yet, end-of-tour did mean that Adam would have to keep his promise to have that serious talk. Kris looked forward to holding Adam to his promise!
He let out a contented sigh after their half-day off as they climbed the stairway to the venue. He’d finally succeeded as a tour guide. They’d been to so many cities it was a blur - Houston, New Orleans, Atlanta, Tallahassee, Birmingham and Mobile (where he’d halfway enjoyed the spa, though wouldn’t admit it) - but they had their absolute best time today in San Antonio. Admittedly, the Alamo wasn’t all that exciting. Maybe it was because neither he nor Adam was into history. Maybe it was because the Alamo had become a big tourist trap and none of them wanted to buy souvenirs.
But the River Walk - that was awesome! Kris had visited the River Walk with his family before, so he knew exactly where to take Adam and Danielle. It was normally a threesome, with Danielle as their buffer. That was okay. Kris liked Danielle and wouldn’t have wanted to leave her out. Plus, Adam was usually more relaxed when Danielle came along and Kris figured a threesome was better when they got snapped by random fans or paparazzi, anyway.
They’d done the Rio San Antonio tour cruise in the morning, lazily floating down the river like any other tourists, scoping out the area and the shopping. It was a chilly day for early March, but Kris didn’t mind. It gave the trio reason to scrunch up close together. Afterward they strolled through the sidewalks along the river and shopped, Kris happily looking at all the stores that interested Adam. Clothes shopping would have been a total bore if Katy had dragged him into the same places; yet it was suddenly fascinating and fun when it made Adam happy. The sunglasses store had been Kris’s favorite because Adam had showered him with attention - putting various kinds on his face and playing with his hair to get just the right “look.” Kris’s scalp still tingled from the touch. He laughed at himself. He’d ended up buying sunglasses he didn’t even like because Adam liked them. He was such a fool when he was in love.
Arriving by foot at the evening’s venue, Kris was exhausted. He was glad there was time for a nap before they had to be in makeup. When he plopped down on a cozy loveseat backstage to rest and Adam sat beside him, Kris felt all warm inside. So much had been left unsaid between them over the past weeks together, but plenty had been communicated non-verbally. Adam had gone from practically avoiding him to sitting by him at every opportunity.
Adam smiled at Kris like he knew exactly what Kris was thinking. “Hey, my shoulder’s still the right height to be your pillow,” he whispered. Kris snuggled up close and gave a contented sigh. He was out in no time.
***
The Paramount Theater in Austin was beautiful, with its ornate architecture and lavish furnishings. It put Adam in a state of near tranquility, which was a very good thing. He’d been in a state of near-panic only moments before. He read over the plaque on the wall that told about its founding back in 1915 and its status on the National Register of Historic places. Historic! Adam thought. It’ll be historic in a different way tonight!
Adam shook his head. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Truth-be-told, he wondered if Danielle was lying to him and that wasn’t something he’d ever wondered about her before.
Laryngitis? The very last show? Adam remembered their outing in San Antonio yesterday, where she’d seemed perfectly fine as they’d lounged on the boat, eaten barbeque and laughed at each other in the hat store.
“Danielle can’t go on tonight,” Mr. Abramson had said in the corner office backstage. Adam could still see Danielle pointing toward her throat and doing a “can you believe it?” shoulder shrug. But there had been a slight upturn at the corners of her mouth that made Adam wonder.
The director had continued. “I can’t believe I never got her an understudy! But she’s assured me that you know all her songs, too. If you don’t mind stepping into the role of the female lead this last night, we’ll give Carl the thrill of his life and have him cover Judas.”
Adam wouldn’t have been so suspicious if he hadn’t joked with Danielle about wanting her role instead. How “convenient” this seemed!
Adam began to pace as he ran over the role in his head, then moaned when he remembered one particular line. He was gonna shoot Danielle! He couldn’t believe he’d be singing the line, “I’ve had so many men before….” Most people already thought gay men were sluts. Now he’d be reinforcing the stereotype!
He stopped pacing to find Kris. He wasn’t sure how Kris would react. He didn’t always embrace sudden changes, so he would probably be upset.
But Kris surprised him. He was actually very chill about the whole thing. “No biggie,” Kris responded. “The show must go on! Hey, maybe I could help do your hair!”
“I’m not wearing a pompadour for Mary Magdalene, silly! I’m in a wig.” Adam smiled at the thought of Kris’s hands in his hair, though.
“Okay. Cool!” was all Kris had said as he ran off whistling to get his costume.
***
Kris watched Adam’s understudy sing the opening number to a packed house. So not Adam, Kris thought. But they’d all be fine, he was sure of it. His only issue was how to handle Adam in Danielle’s role. Should he pretend Adam was Danielle? Or did he fully embrace the idea that this was Adam singing to him, fawning over him, petting his hair and rubbing ointment on his feet. The more he thought about it, the more he decided their scenes together should be as easy for him as eating chicken sandwiches .
By the time they were doing their second full scene together, though, Kris’s heart was pounding wildly and there was no way under heaven he could pretend this wasn’t Adam: Adam, placing a blanket around him gently; Adam, stroking his face with the barest hint of a touch, setting Kris’s skin on fire; Adam, singing tender lines to him with pleading eyes:
Should I bring him down should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this -- what's it all about?
Kris tried to answer with his eyes, tell Adam Yes! Please, Adam - let your feelings out! It was so hard to stay still, to pretend to be sleeping soundly as Adam sang. The audience couldn’t tell if Kris’s eyes were closed so he watched Adam as he knelt beside him and stroked his hair. Adam sang out:
Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one who's always been
So calm so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so
The song was affecting Adam deeply, and as the tears rolled down his cheeks, Kris knew he was singing the truth. Though Adam said he wanted a forever-love, he was still afraid. So many things to fear: fear of being hurt, fear of ruining their careers, fear of being labeled a “homewrecker” when Kris finally left Katy. Love was a risk, a leap of faith, Kris knew. There was no avoiding it. With his eyes he urged Adam to take the leap. With one hand he stroked Adam’s arm, urging him to trust his heart. As the curtain closed on the scene, a plan was unfolding in Kris’s mind.
***
Adam watched as a few disciples removed the ropes that lashed Kris to the cross and gingerly lifted him off. The makeup for this scene always shook Adam a little. It was so realistic: blood trails down Kris’s side and on his face; bruises on his arms and legs; whip marks on his back; blackened eyes.
As Judas, Adam was always absent from this scene. As Mary, though, he was right there, weeping as Kris was placed on the ground and wailing out, “It cannot be!” as he threw himself across Kris’s body. Kris, lying there, battered and still. It broke Adam’s heart to realize a person never really knew how long they had to live. Jesus had died at only thirty-three. Real tears weren’t hard to muster as he thought about the time he’d wasted because his love for Kris frightened him so. He determined he wouldn’t waste the time they had left.
***
Kris watched the tears stream down Adam’s face and wondered what was going through his head to make them come so easily. Adam was a good actor, but somehow Kris knew he wasn’t acting. Kris wanted to reach up, to hold him. But he had to wait. Wait, just ten more seconds. Then five.
Then, the lights went down so that the sun could rise over the empty cross, just one beam of light focused upward. It was the darkness on the rest of the stage that Kris was waiting for. They had at least thirty seconds he didn’t intend to waste. As Adam started to rise from his kneeling position, Kris reached up to pull him back down, hand at the back of his neck, careful not to tug off his long black wig. “Adam,” he said softly, “I love you so much!”
Adam didn’t fight it as Kris leaned up to meet him halfway, his mouth finding Adam’s soft lips in the darkness, finding and claiming them for his own. Adam was only startled for a moment, but he relaxed into the kiss and sighed, parting his lips for Kris’s seeking tongue. Kris tried not to moan in pleasure but the satisfied sounds escaped anyway. He hoped no one besides the cast could hear them and yet it was hard to care. As he licked at Adam’s lips, Adam’s tongue darted out to taste him. It was dangerous and public and hot as hell. They melted into one another and Kris never wanted them to be apart again.
One of the disciples cleared his throat and somebody else kicked Kris in the side. It was too dark to tell who, but it wasn’t going to be dark for long. “Ten seconds till the stage lights come up!” someone growled. They had to move fast, scrambling to their feet and joining the line for the final bow as everyone clasped hands. Kris threaded his fingers through Adam’s and squeezed hard as Adam answered his “I love you” with a whispered, “I love you too, Kris. And tonight, I particularly love Danielle.”
Kris felt Adam’s thumb stroking his hand and looked into Adam’s eyes. It wasn’t difficult to read his look. Tonight they would - finally - talk about their feelings. Talk, and a lot more! Oh, yes!