No Regrets
Title: No Regrets
Author: Spikedluv
Fandom: American Idol
Rating: R/Slash
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Length: 3050 words
Spoilers: Through final four performances, just before results night.
Summary: Someone had to go home tomorrow, and after the judges’ comments that night, Kris knew it was going to be him.
Notes: Mansion!fic. I’d say that this fic is totally self-indulgent, but I have a feeling that a lot of my Kris/Adam fic are going to be totally self-indulgent, so . . . Written for kradam_kiss using realpestilence’s prompt: Kris kisses a sleeping Adam very lightly on the lips, just a soft brush, because he can't contain his feelings any more. Adam isn't asleep, though, and he grabs Kris by the wrist, to keep him from slipping away.
Feedback: Would be appreciated.
Disclaimer: This is not real. And sadly, neither Adam nor Kris belong to me.
Written: March 18, 2010
Kris had gone up to their room as soon as they got back to the mansion. He wasn’t feeling sorry for himself, exactly, just trying to deal with the disappointment of going home, and he didn’t really want an audience for that. He was still sitting on his bed, fingers plucking almost absently at the guitar strings when Adam came in.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah,” Kris said, trying to summon up a smile for Adam.
Adam sat on the edge of Kris’ bed and watched Kris’ fingers for a few seconds before raising his eyes to Kris’ face. He reached out and circled Kris’ ankle with his fingers.
“You’re not going home, you know that, right?”
Kris snorted a laugh. “Yeah.”
“That wasn’t very convincing.”
“We’ll see,” Kris said, because he couldn’t bring himself to lie, not to Adam. He moved his foot and pushed his toes into Adam’s leg. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
“I’ll always worry about you,” Adam said, his voice low and intent.
The line could have been cheesy, but Kris knew that Adam meant it, and it made his heart both swell and break a little bit. “I know. Thanks.”
“Hey.”
Adam pulled the guitar away from Kris, and Kris let him. Adam set the guitar on the end of the bed, and then shifted closer to Kris and pulled him into a hug. Kris pressed his face into the spot between Adam’s neck and shoulder that he’d come to think of as his, and wrapped his arms around Adam’s waist, holding onto him like he’d never let go. If (when) he was sent home the next day, this was the thing he’d miss the most.
Adam finally pulled back and, even though he didn’t want to, Kris let him. He brushed his fingers through Kris’ hair, and just looked at him with a worried expression on his face.
Kris realized that his hands were still clutching at Adam’s shirt, and he forced himself to let go. “Thanks,” he said, pressing his fist against Adam’s belly, “for the hug. I’m gonna be fine, promise.”
“I know you will, baby, you’re the definition of fine,” Adam said, making Kris smile at last. Adam tipped his head towards the bathroom. “You wanna use the bathroom first?”
“Nah, you go ahead. I’m just gonna sit here and mope some more.”
“No moping!” Adam said, giving Kris a little shake. “Because you are not going home tomorrow.”
Adam dropped a quick kiss on Kris’ forehead and then he hopped up off the bed with a little less energy than usual. These shows were starting to kick everyone’s asses, Kris thought.
Kris leaned back into the pillows piled against the headboard and left his guitar lying at the end of the bed. He turned his head and watched Adam getting ready for bed in the bathroom, removing his makeup and brushing his teeth before he turned the water on in the shower and closed the door, then climbed under the spray to wash the gel and hair spray out of his hair and the sweat off of his body. Standing up on that stage, under those lights, in front of those cameras and judges was sweaty work.
Kris closed his eyes and let the background noise of the water hitting the tub floor wash over him, and tried not to imagine the water hitting Adam’s bare skin, running down in rivulets. The shower turned off and he imagined Adam toweling off and getting dressed. When the hair dryer turned on, Kris pictured Adam standing in front of the mirror, arms raised as he dried his hair.
Kris was nearly asleep when Adam came out dressed in a white tank and a pair of pajama bottoms.
“All yours.”
“Thanks, man.”
Kris suddenly had zero energy left. He pushed himself off the bed, then put his guitar away. He got out a fresh pair of boxers and a t-shirt and carried them into the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth and thought, this is the face of the man who’s going home tomorrow.
Kris quickly showered and washed his hair, then dried off and got dressed. He didn’t bother drying his hair, because it would be sticking up in the morning regardless.
In the bedroom, Adam was lying in bed, blankets pulled up to his waist, ear buds in, iPod lying on his pillow. His eyes were closed, his breathing shallow and even. He must have been exhausted to fall asleep so quickly, Kris thought. Kris turned off the bright overhead light, leaving the room lit in the softer glow of the lamp by his bed, and then turned back to look at Adam.
Someone had to go home tomorrow, and after the judges’ comments that night, Kris knew it was going to be him. But he really, really didn’t want to, and not because he wanted to win. Or not just because he wanted to win. He was going to miss Adam more than he had words to express. He’d never known anyone like Adam, and while he and Katy had been friends for a long time, no one had ever understood him quite the way Adam did.
From the first day they’d met, Adam had just gotten him. Kris was already missing the comfort of Adam’s hugs. And if he was honest with himself, at least for this moment, he’d miss the way it made his stomach flutter pleasantly when Adam smiled at him and opened his arms wide, pulling Kris in and just letting him wrap himself up in Adam’s unconditional friendship and love.
Because he did love Adam, both as a friend and more. He hadn’t let himself think about that before, but now, with the end so near, he couldn’t stand the thought of not being near Adam everyday. Kris found himself stepping closer to the bed, studying Adam as he slept, trying to memorize his face, count the freckles that were scattered across his cheeks and down his neck.
“The thing I’m gonna miss the most is being with you everyday,” Kris whispered, and then against all good sense, he leaned down and, eyes closed, brushed his lips softly across Adam’s.
Eyes clenched tightly shut, Kris straightened and turned away, only to be brought up short when Adam’s fingers closed around his wrist. Kris’ eyes shot open and found Adam’s face. Adam looked back at him through eyes that were still half closed.
“Oh geeze,” Kris groaned under his breath. He felt a flash of heat and knew that his face must be burning red with embarrassment at having been caught. “I’m sorry,” he said, as he watched Adam pull the ear buds out of his ears and put the iPod on the nightstand.
Adam shook his head at Kris’ apology. “Why did you do that?”
Kris was finding it difficult to think, because Adam’s thumb was stroking the inside of his wrist. Adam wasn’t holding him tight; Kris could have pulled away, but he didn’t want to sever their connection, even if Adam was going to kick his ass.
“I . . . because if I go home tomorrow, I won’t get another chance,” Kris said, going with honesty.
Adam sat up. “I didn’t mean why did you kiss me now, I meant, why did you kiss me at all?”
Kris’ mouth opened and closed. “I, um, I can’t think. With you touching me.”
They both glanced at Adam’s hand cradling more than restraining Kris’ wrist. Adam didn’t stop moving his thumb distractingly over the sensitive skin, just held out his other hand. Kris reached out and took it.
He squeezed Adam’s hand like a lifeline, and said, “I had to. Adam, I . . . .”
“Shhh.”
Adam drew Kris down onto the edge of the bed and Kris dove into his open arms. He wrapped his arms around Adam and buried his face in Adam’s neck. Kris closed his fists in the back of Adam’s tank top, holding on so tightly that if anyone wanted to separate them they’d have to tear them apart. He’d had occasion to be nervous before, heading off to college and on missionary trips, getting married, coming to L.A., but he’d never felt like he might die from missing someone.
Kris bit Adam’s neck. He didn’t know what made him do it - the thought of leaving a mark, of never letting go. Adam jerked, and then shuddered when Kris licked over the spot, then kissed it.
“Kris.” It came out half warning, half moan.
Kris placed one last kiss on Adam’s neck, then just buried himself in even closer. “I’m sorry, I just . . . I don’t want to leave-.”
“You are not leaving,” Adam said again, sounding so certain.
Kris shook his head against Adam’s shoulder. “I don’t care about the . . . okay, I mean, I care a little bit about the competition, but I don’t want to leave you.”
Adam went tense against Kris, but he didn’t pull back or push Kris away. “Kris, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I do, I do know, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t, so many reasons why I shouldn’t, but it’s killing me, Adam, Adam.”
Kris couldn’t believe the way the words just tumbled out of his mouth, but they’d been building up inside of him along with his feelings for Adam, and once he’d allowed himself to even think the impossible the dam had broken.
Adam was still holding him, but Kris could tell that he’d become uncomfortable. He pulled back, but couldn’t bring himself to look at Adam.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be doing this to you. God, I’m an idiot. And a jerk. And a horrible friend.”
“You’re not any of those things,” Adam said.
Kris noted that Adam had allowed him to pull back, but hadn’t released him, though he didn’t know what that meant.
“You’re my best friend here.”
But not out there, Kris thought sadly. Out loud he just said, “I’m going to miss you so much. God, I already miss you.”
Adam slid his hands down Kris’ arms until he held both of his hands. Kris rubbed his thumb over the back of one of Adam’s hands.
“I wish . . . .” What did he wish? That he’d never married Katy? That he’d never met Adam? “I wish we’d met before.” At Adam’s look of confusion, Kris said, “It would have been simpler.”
“Oh, honey,” Adam said, “it would never be simple.”
Kris nodded. “I just wish I knew what to do with my feelings for you.”
“Kris.” Adam took a deep breath and started again. “You’re under a lot of stress . . . .”
Kris gripped Adam’s hands tighter. “Don’t do that! I might not understand what I’m feeling, and acting on them now might be crazy, but don’t you dare tell me they’re not real.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry, I-.”
“I am sorry if you don’t want to hear about them, though.”
Adam dragged Kris back into a hug. “You never have to hide yourself from me, Kristopher.”
“You don’t need this, though,” Kris said, even as he let himself relax into Adam’s hold. “I never meant for you to know.” He huffed out a humorless laugh. “I can’t even do that right.”
“Oh my god!” Adam said. “Will you just stop it already? Trust me on this, you are not going home tomorrow. The people love you, and besides, the judges were full of shit tonight.”
Kris managed a smile. “Thanks.”
They were both silent for a few minutes as they stayed like that, locked together, and then Kris broke it, unable to remain quiet. “I wish we could just stay like this forever.” Now that he’d started talking, he apparently couldn’t turn it off.
“Me, too,” Adam agreed, and then he went stiff against Kris.
It took Kris a moment to realize the significance of both Adam’s words and his reaction to having spoken them out loud. Kris tightened his grip around Adam and buried his face even more deeply into Adam’s neck.
“Adam?”
Everything in Kris went on alert. He pressed his nose to Adam’s skin and breathed in a trail from Adam’s shoulder to just below his ear. Adam shivered and his arms tightened reflexively around Kris.
“Adam,” Kris said, a little more urgently.
“No, baby, no,” Adam said.
Adam slid his hand into Kris’ hair and drew his head back. Kris whimpered in protest until he looked at Adam’s face. Adam might be saying ‘no’, but the way his eyes locked onto Kris’ lips, and the way his fingers dug into Kris’ hair, said ‘yes’. Kris had been too embarrassed and sad for even his proximity to Adam to make his body respond, but now, seeing the way Adam looked at him and knowing that this wasn’t as one-sided as he’d thought, Kris went hard.
Kris moaned as his body responded to Adam’s touch, the hungry expression on his face. “Adam, please.”
Kris tried to fight Adam’s hold, until Adam’s, “Wait, Kris, baby listen, please,” got through to him.
“What?” he whined.
Adam paused for a second. He made this funny face, like he was trying not to laugh, and then he burst out with a quick bark of laughter. Instead of letting go to smack him, Kris pinched him.
“Ow! Hey, okay. Listen,” Adam said, pulling Kris back in close. “I believe you, okay? I believe that you have . . . feelings for me. But you weren’t going to act on them, right? I mean, you didn’t even want me to know about them.”
“Right,” Kris agreed, a little petulantly, still stinging over Adam’s laughter.
“And the only reason you did let it slip is because you’re an idiot and you think you’re going home tomorrow.”
“Hey,” Kris said, but he couldn’t work up much heat.
“I don’t want you to have any regrets in the morning.”
“I won’t,” Kris insisted.
Adam pressed a kiss to the side of Kris’ head. “You don’t know how hard . . . difficult it is for me to wait, but it’ll be much easier to salvage our friendship - and I want that more than anything - if we don’t screw it, uh, fuck it, damn it, mess it up.”
Kris snickered and Adam swatted the back of his head. “Shut up, Kristopher.”
Kris wanted to argue, but the stress of the day was finally catching up to him and he couldn’t think of two words to string together.
“But when you’re still here tomorrow night,” Adam went on, and Kris’ body went taut as a bowstring, “and if you still want this . . . .”
“Really?” Kris said, barely able to catch his breath. “You want . . . ?”
“I very much want,” Adam said.
Kris moaned and tried to pull himself in even closer to Adam. “Adam! You can’t just say . . . .”
“No regrets,” Adam said.
“I’ve got a lot of regrets right this second,” Kris muttered.
Adam chuckled, but he gave Kris a squeeze that took any sting out of it. “You need to sleep now.”
“Can I stay here?” Kris said without even thinking about it. When Adam didn’t answer right away,“ Kris added, “I’ll be good, promise.”
“I’m sure you will be,” Adam whispered, and Kris shivered at the implication. “Get the lights, baby.”
Kris felt like he was dreaming as he walked across the room to turn off the small lamp beside his bed, and then back to Adam’s side. Adam pushed the blankets back, and Kris crawled over him, then snuggled in against his side.
Adam pulled the blankets up over them both, then curled his arm around Kris and rested his hand on Kris’ hip. Kris made himself comfortable on Adam’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around Adam’s waist. He didn’t realize that he was stroking his thumb along Adam’s side until Adam grabbed his hand to still it.
“Sorry,” Kris said, and tried to force himself to relax. He really was exhausted, but his body was still humming with arousal and the knowledge of everything that was possible now. He thought about kissing Adam, and being able to touch him without restraint.
Without conscious thought, Kris’ hand moved up Adam’s torso, marking each rib, the hard nub of a nipple, until his fingertips pressed at the pulse in Adam’s throat. He’d promised he’d be good, but Kris didn’t want to wait.
“Adam,” Kris said. “Adam, can I just . . . ?”
“Kris.”
“Just one,” Kris said. “Just, please, Adam.”
Adam lowered his head and Kris raised his face, and their lips met. It was chaste, but full of promise, and they could stop right here if Kris chose. Instead Kris darted his tongue out and tasted Adam’s lips. He slid his tongue along Adam’s lips and then slipped it between them.
Kris’ tongue found Adam’s, and Adam moaned into Kris’ mouth before dragging Kris up and taking control of the kiss. His tongue explored Kris’ mouth, he sucked on Kris’ tongue and bit at his lips. When they finally parted, both gasping for air, Kris’ lips felt swollen and bruised.
Adam had dropped his head back onto the pillow; his eyes were closed and his lips a tight line. Kris couldn’t tell what Adam was thinking right now, what he was feeling. And Kris was feeling too much. He rolled his hips a little bit, pressing his aching erection against Adam’s hip.
“Adam,” he said, “Adam, are you . . . ?”
“Fuck, yes,” Adam ground out, and then he took Kris’ hand and shoved it beneath the blankets and over his groin.
They both moaned as Kris instinctively squeezed, and then Adam jerked Kris’ hand away from himself. His expression turned determined, but before he could send Kris away, Kris pressed his face to Adam’s shoulder and faked a yawn.
“So sleepy now,” he said, and Adam laughed at the lie.
Despite the circumstances, soon their breathing evened out as they drew closer to sleep. Kris thought about the results show the next night, and about what would happen after, when he stayed, and Kris suddenly had every reason in the world to stay.
He knew that there would have been no regret, even if they hadn’t waited, but he wanted Adam to know that, too.
“I’ll never, ever regret you,” Kris mumbled, half asleep, and heard Adam’s, “Me, neither,” just before he went under.
The End
Author: Spikedluv
Fandom: American Idol
Rating: R/Slash
Pairing: Kris/Adam
Length: 3050 words
Spoilers: Through final four performances, just before results night.
Summary: Someone had to go home tomorrow, and after the judges’ comments that night, Kris knew it was going to be him.
Notes: Mansion!fic. I’d say that this fic is totally self-indulgent, but I have a feeling that a lot of my Kris/Adam fic are going to be totally self-indulgent, so . . . Written for kradam_kiss using realpestilence’s prompt: Kris kisses a sleeping Adam very lightly on the lips, just a soft brush, because he can't contain his feelings any more. Adam isn't asleep, though, and he grabs Kris by the wrist, to keep him from slipping away.
Feedback: Would be appreciated.
Disclaimer: This is not real. And sadly, neither Adam nor Kris belong to me.
Written: March 18, 2010
Kris had gone up to their room as soon as they got back to the mansion. He wasn’t feeling sorry for himself, exactly, just trying to deal with the disappointment of going home, and he didn’t really want an audience for that. He was still sitting on his bed, fingers plucking almost absently at the guitar strings when Adam came in.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Yeah,” Kris said, trying to summon up a smile for Adam.
Adam sat on the edge of Kris’ bed and watched Kris’ fingers for a few seconds before raising his eyes to Kris’ face. He reached out and circled Kris’ ankle with his fingers.
“You’re not going home, you know that, right?”
Kris snorted a laugh. “Yeah.”
“That wasn’t very convincing.”
“We’ll see,” Kris said, because he couldn’t bring himself to lie, not to Adam. He moved his foot and pushed his toes into Adam’s leg. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
“I’ll always worry about you,” Adam said, his voice low and intent.
The line could have been cheesy, but Kris knew that Adam meant it, and it made his heart both swell and break a little bit. “I know. Thanks.”
“Hey.”
Adam pulled the guitar away from Kris, and Kris let him. Adam set the guitar on the end of the bed, and then shifted closer to Kris and pulled him into a hug. Kris pressed his face into the spot between Adam’s neck and shoulder that he’d come to think of as his, and wrapped his arms around Adam’s waist, holding onto him like he’d never let go. If (when) he was sent home the next day, this was the thing he’d miss the most.
Adam finally pulled back and, even though he didn’t want to, Kris let him. He brushed his fingers through Kris’ hair, and just looked at him with a worried expression on his face.
Kris realized that his hands were still clutching at Adam’s shirt, and he forced himself to let go. “Thanks,” he said, pressing his fist against Adam’s belly, “for the hug. I’m gonna be fine, promise.”
“I know you will, baby, you’re the definition of fine,” Adam said, making Kris smile at last. Adam tipped his head towards the bathroom. “You wanna use the bathroom first?”
“Nah, you go ahead. I’m just gonna sit here and mope some more.”
“No moping!” Adam said, giving Kris a little shake. “Because you are not going home tomorrow.”
Adam dropped a quick kiss on Kris’ forehead and then he hopped up off the bed with a little less energy than usual. These shows were starting to kick everyone’s asses, Kris thought.
Kris leaned back into the pillows piled against the headboard and left his guitar lying at the end of the bed. He turned his head and watched Adam getting ready for bed in the bathroom, removing his makeup and brushing his teeth before he turned the water on in the shower and closed the door, then climbed under the spray to wash the gel and hair spray out of his hair and the sweat off of his body. Standing up on that stage, under those lights, in front of those cameras and judges was sweaty work.
Kris closed his eyes and let the background noise of the water hitting the tub floor wash over him, and tried not to imagine the water hitting Adam’s bare skin, running down in rivulets. The shower turned off and he imagined Adam toweling off and getting dressed. When the hair dryer turned on, Kris pictured Adam standing in front of the mirror, arms raised as he dried his hair.
Kris was nearly asleep when Adam came out dressed in a white tank and a pair of pajama bottoms.
“All yours.”
“Thanks, man.”
Kris suddenly had zero energy left. He pushed himself off the bed, then put his guitar away. He got out a fresh pair of boxers and a t-shirt and carried them into the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth and thought, this is the face of the man who’s going home tomorrow.
Kris quickly showered and washed his hair, then dried off and got dressed. He didn’t bother drying his hair, because it would be sticking up in the morning regardless.
In the bedroom, Adam was lying in bed, blankets pulled up to his waist, ear buds in, iPod lying on his pillow. His eyes were closed, his breathing shallow and even. He must have been exhausted to fall asleep so quickly, Kris thought. Kris turned off the bright overhead light, leaving the room lit in the softer glow of the lamp by his bed, and then turned back to look at Adam.
Someone had to go home tomorrow, and after the judges’ comments that night, Kris knew it was going to be him. But he really, really didn’t want to, and not because he wanted to win. Or not just because he wanted to win. He was going to miss Adam more than he had words to express. He’d never known anyone like Adam, and while he and Katy had been friends for a long time, no one had ever understood him quite the way Adam did.
From the first day they’d met, Adam had just gotten him. Kris was already missing the comfort of Adam’s hugs. And if he was honest with himself, at least for this moment, he’d miss the way it made his stomach flutter pleasantly when Adam smiled at him and opened his arms wide, pulling Kris in and just letting him wrap himself up in Adam’s unconditional friendship and love.
Because he did love Adam, both as a friend and more. He hadn’t let himself think about that before, but now, with the end so near, he couldn’t stand the thought of not being near Adam everyday. Kris found himself stepping closer to the bed, studying Adam as he slept, trying to memorize his face, count the freckles that were scattered across his cheeks and down his neck.
“The thing I’m gonna miss the most is being with you everyday,” Kris whispered, and then against all good sense, he leaned down and, eyes closed, brushed his lips softly across Adam’s.
Eyes clenched tightly shut, Kris straightened and turned away, only to be brought up short when Adam’s fingers closed around his wrist. Kris’ eyes shot open and found Adam’s face. Adam looked back at him through eyes that were still half closed.
“Oh geeze,” Kris groaned under his breath. He felt a flash of heat and knew that his face must be burning red with embarrassment at having been caught. “I’m sorry,” he said, as he watched Adam pull the ear buds out of his ears and put the iPod on the nightstand.
Adam shook his head at Kris’ apology. “Why did you do that?”
Kris was finding it difficult to think, because Adam’s thumb was stroking the inside of his wrist. Adam wasn’t holding him tight; Kris could have pulled away, but he didn’t want to sever their connection, even if Adam was going to kick his ass.
“I . . . because if I go home tomorrow, I won’t get another chance,” Kris said, going with honesty.
Adam sat up. “I didn’t mean why did you kiss me now, I meant, why did you kiss me at all?”
Kris’ mouth opened and closed. “I, um, I can’t think. With you touching me.”
They both glanced at Adam’s hand cradling more than restraining Kris’ wrist. Adam didn’t stop moving his thumb distractingly over the sensitive skin, just held out his other hand. Kris reached out and took it.
He squeezed Adam’s hand like a lifeline, and said, “I had to. Adam, I . . . .”
“Shhh.”
Adam drew Kris down onto the edge of the bed and Kris dove into his open arms. He wrapped his arms around Adam and buried his face in Adam’s neck. Kris closed his fists in the back of Adam’s tank top, holding on so tightly that if anyone wanted to separate them they’d have to tear them apart. He’d had occasion to be nervous before, heading off to college and on missionary trips, getting married, coming to L.A., but he’d never felt like he might die from missing someone.
Kris bit Adam’s neck. He didn’t know what made him do it - the thought of leaving a mark, of never letting go. Adam jerked, and then shuddered when Kris licked over the spot, then kissed it.
“Kris.” It came out half warning, half moan.
Kris placed one last kiss on Adam’s neck, then just buried himself in even closer. “I’m sorry, I just . . . I don’t want to leave-.”
“You are not leaving,” Adam said again, sounding so certain.
Kris shook his head against Adam’s shoulder. “I don’t care about the . . . okay, I mean, I care a little bit about the competition, but I don’t want to leave you.”
Adam went tense against Kris, but he didn’t pull back or push Kris away. “Kris, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“I do, I do know, and I’m sorry, I shouldn’t, so many reasons why I shouldn’t, but it’s killing me, Adam, Adam.”
Kris couldn’t believe the way the words just tumbled out of his mouth, but they’d been building up inside of him along with his feelings for Adam, and once he’d allowed himself to even think the impossible the dam had broken.
Adam was still holding him, but Kris could tell that he’d become uncomfortable. He pulled back, but couldn’t bring himself to look at Adam.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be doing this to you. God, I’m an idiot. And a jerk. And a horrible friend.”
“You’re not any of those things,” Adam said.
Kris noted that Adam had allowed him to pull back, but hadn’t released him, though he didn’t know what that meant.
“You’re my best friend here.”
But not out there, Kris thought sadly. Out loud he just said, “I’m going to miss you so much. God, I already miss you.”
Adam slid his hands down Kris’ arms until he held both of his hands. Kris rubbed his thumb over the back of one of Adam’s hands.
“I wish . . . .” What did he wish? That he’d never married Katy? That he’d never met Adam? “I wish we’d met before.” At Adam’s look of confusion, Kris said, “It would have been simpler.”
“Oh, honey,” Adam said, “it would never be simple.”
Kris nodded. “I just wish I knew what to do with my feelings for you.”
“Kris.” Adam took a deep breath and started again. “You’re under a lot of stress . . . .”
Kris gripped Adam’s hands tighter. “Don’t do that! I might not understand what I’m feeling, and acting on them now might be crazy, but don’t you dare tell me they’re not real.”
“You’re right, I’m sorry, I-.”
“I am sorry if you don’t want to hear about them, though.”
Adam dragged Kris back into a hug. “You never have to hide yourself from me, Kristopher.”
“You don’t need this, though,” Kris said, even as he let himself relax into Adam’s hold. “I never meant for you to know.” He huffed out a humorless laugh. “I can’t even do that right.”
“Oh my god!” Adam said. “Will you just stop it already? Trust me on this, you are not going home tomorrow. The people love you, and besides, the judges were full of shit tonight.”
Kris managed a smile. “Thanks.”
They were both silent for a few minutes as they stayed like that, locked together, and then Kris broke it, unable to remain quiet. “I wish we could just stay like this forever.” Now that he’d started talking, he apparently couldn’t turn it off.
“Me, too,” Adam agreed, and then he went stiff against Kris.
It took Kris a moment to realize the significance of both Adam’s words and his reaction to having spoken them out loud. Kris tightened his grip around Adam and buried his face even more deeply into Adam’s neck.
“Adam?”
Everything in Kris went on alert. He pressed his nose to Adam’s skin and breathed in a trail from Adam’s shoulder to just below his ear. Adam shivered and his arms tightened reflexively around Kris.
“Adam,” Kris said, a little more urgently.
“No, baby, no,” Adam said.
Adam slid his hand into Kris’ hair and drew his head back. Kris whimpered in protest until he looked at Adam’s face. Adam might be saying ‘no’, but the way his eyes locked onto Kris’ lips, and the way his fingers dug into Kris’ hair, said ‘yes’. Kris had been too embarrassed and sad for even his proximity to Adam to make his body respond, but now, seeing the way Adam looked at him and knowing that this wasn’t as one-sided as he’d thought, Kris went hard.
Kris moaned as his body responded to Adam’s touch, the hungry expression on his face. “Adam, please.”
Kris tried to fight Adam’s hold, until Adam’s, “Wait, Kris, baby listen, please,” got through to him.
“What?” he whined.
Adam paused for a second. He made this funny face, like he was trying not to laugh, and then he burst out with a quick bark of laughter. Instead of letting go to smack him, Kris pinched him.
“Ow! Hey, okay. Listen,” Adam said, pulling Kris back in close. “I believe you, okay? I believe that you have . . . feelings for me. But you weren’t going to act on them, right? I mean, you didn’t even want me to know about them.”
“Right,” Kris agreed, a little petulantly, still stinging over Adam’s laughter.
“And the only reason you did let it slip is because you’re an idiot and you think you’re going home tomorrow.”
“Hey,” Kris said, but he couldn’t work up much heat.
“I don’t want you to have any regrets in the morning.”
“I won’t,” Kris insisted.
Adam pressed a kiss to the side of Kris’ head. “You don’t know how hard . . . difficult it is for me to wait, but it’ll be much easier to salvage our friendship - and I want that more than anything - if we don’t screw it, uh, fuck it, damn it, mess it up.”
Kris snickered and Adam swatted the back of his head. “Shut up, Kristopher.”
Kris wanted to argue, but the stress of the day was finally catching up to him and he couldn’t think of two words to string together.
“But when you’re still here tomorrow night,” Adam went on, and Kris’ body went taut as a bowstring, “and if you still want this . . . .”
“Really?” Kris said, barely able to catch his breath. “You want . . . ?”
“I very much want,” Adam said.
Kris moaned and tried to pull himself in even closer to Adam. “Adam! You can’t just say . . . .”
“No regrets,” Adam said.
“I’ve got a lot of regrets right this second,” Kris muttered.
Adam chuckled, but he gave Kris a squeeze that took any sting out of it. “You need to sleep now.”
“Can I stay here?” Kris said without even thinking about it. When Adam didn’t answer right away,“ Kris added, “I’ll be good, promise.”
“I’m sure you will be,” Adam whispered, and Kris shivered at the implication. “Get the lights, baby.”
Kris felt like he was dreaming as he walked across the room to turn off the small lamp beside his bed, and then back to Adam’s side. Adam pushed the blankets back, and Kris crawled over him, then snuggled in against his side.
Adam pulled the blankets up over them both, then curled his arm around Kris and rested his hand on Kris’ hip. Kris made himself comfortable on Adam’s shoulder and wrapped his arm around Adam’s waist. He didn’t realize that he was stroking his thumb along Adam’s side until Adam grabbed his hand to still it.
“Sorry,” Kris said, and tried to force himself to relax. He really was exhausted, but his body was still humming with arousal and the knowledge of everything that was possible now. He thought about kissing Adam, and being able to touch him without restraint.
Without conscious thought, Kris’ hand moved up Adam’s torso, marking each rib, the hard nub of a nipple, until his fingertips pressed at the pulse in Adam’s throat. He’d promised he’d be good, but Kris didn’t want to wait.
“Adam,” Kris said. “Adam, can I just . . . ?”
“Kris.”
“Just one,” Kris said. “Just, please, Adam.”
Adam lowered his head and Kris raised his face, and their lips met. It was chaste, but full of promise, and they could stop right here if Kris chose. Instead Kris darted his tongue out and tasted Adam’s lips. He slid his tongue along Adam’s lips and then slipped it between them.
Kris’ tongue found Adam’s, and Adam moaned into Kris’ mouth before dragging Kris up and taking control of the kiss. His tongue explored Kris’ mouth, he sucked on Kris’ tongue and bit at his lips. When they finally parted, both gasping for air, Kris’ lips felt swollen and bruised.
Adam had dropped his head back onto the pillow; his eyes were closed and his lips a tight line. Kris couldn’t tell what Adam was thinking right now, what he was feeling. And Kris was feeling too much. He rolled his hips a little bit, pressing his aching erection against Adam’s hip.
“Adam,” he said, “Adam, are you . . . ?”
“Fuck, yes,” Adam ground out, and then he took Kris’ hand and shoved it beneath the blankets and over his groin.
They both moaned as Kris instinctively squeezed, and then Adam jerked Kris’ hand away from himself. His expression turned determined, but before he could send Kris away, Kris pressed his face to Adam’s shoulder and faked a yawn.
“So sleepy now,” he said, and Adam laughed at the lie.
Despite the circumstances, soon their breathing evened out as they drew closer to sleep. Kris thought about the results show the next night, and about what would happen after, when he stayed, and Kris suddenly had every reason in the world to stay.
He knew that there would have been no regret, even if they hadn’t waited, but he wanted Adam to know that, too.
“I’ll never, ever regret you,” Kris mumbled, half asleep, and heard Adam’s, “Me, neither,” just before he went under.
The End