Acquiescence (A Chance at Happiness)
Title: Acquiescence (A Chance at Happiness)
Author: heyerruh
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2.5k
Disclaimer: This is fanfiction, baby! Otherwise, everyone here would be mine now.
Warnings: Angst, Infidelity, READ THE PROMPT :)
Pairing: Kradam, Kraty, Saubert
Prompt: This prompt I posted for kradam_kiss. I hope youkeyh likes this. I tried…to stop. LOL.
Notes: Title is from a1’s song Don’t Wanna Lose You Again because apparently, I can’t write anything without musical inspiration. No beta work done for this. All mistakes are mine. :)
Feedback: Very much appreciated.
Like a star, it’s so hard to reach you
Not enough just to call you a friend
Adam’s always known that doing this would be hard.
Kris doesn’t want to be reached and right now, he’s not answering any of Adam’s calls. It could be because of the increasing intensity of his kisses with Tommy during the tour or the unexpected appearance of Sauli, Adam doesn’t know. Kris is staying away from him and it could be Adam’s fault but he wouldn’t know, not when Kris refuses to talk, to even recognize that Adam’s exists.
The boundaries are all blurred, a bunch of knots on an overused rope. They exist, these boundaries, but it’s not clear where they are. It’s not clear what they’re separating.
In public, Kris is still married to Katy. Maybe not happily or contently, but they’re still married. Their vows still mean something even after the butchering that the married couple subjects it to. Kris’s constant absence. Katy’s unwavering indifference. Katy’s resistance to having children. Kris’s constant push for a family.
In public, Adam is with Sauli. They match, perfectly and completely. From clothes to music, from food to tattoos, Sauli is Adam’s psychological equal, able to love as much as Adam does, able to hold the attention of many even in the presence of Adam. Sauli could hold his own with Adam and Adam likes it that way.
Behind closed doors, Adam and Kris are in love, filling the empty spaces that Katy and Sauli could not with the love of the other, all consuming and eager, passionate and needy, the love that both are capable of finally finding a place in each other, together.
But the world dictates that change is unacceptable, that change corrupts, weakens and surprises the population to the point of breaking because of ignorance, the lack of understanding needed to cope with situations that involve getting a divorce, coming out or even something as measly as a break-up.
And so Kris and Adam hide and lie, keep themselves away from proclaiming the truth so that they’d be able to keep this relationship as their own, just theirs, not anyone else’s.
In the midst of promises to keep working, keep trying and not giving up, Adam finds himself tired. So tired. As if he’s too compliant that he’s letting the world get what they want, submitting to the whims of a populace that could never understand how intact and unbroken he feels with Kris around, how the sheer presence of the other man can obliterate the quiet moments of loneliness and desperation that they both tried to hide.
Adam wants to fight for them, he really, truly does. But in moments such as these, in the darkest part of the night with just him, the far sounds of a city still fully alive and the dark sky, Adam just wants to stop and let the Universe do what it wants, what it thinks is right.
He’s been looking up at the sky for hours now, trying to call Kris, reaching out for the inspiration to keep striving for a world that will accept them. The busy tone he hears with every call pierces his heart. It’s probably begging him to stop now, bow out, and let go.
No stars tonight, Adam muses as he exhales deeply. They’re hiding from him, just like Kris is, just like the solution to his troubles is, just like his happiness.
It’s awful how they started out as best friends and now, well.
Adam doesn’t know if they’re still friends.
I can feel that the wheel’s in motion
In this life, in this song, time and again,
Looking back, there’s a new reflection
Now I know what you give is what you get.
“Adam,” calls Kris as Adam looks at him, leaning against the window of their rented hotel room.
“Yeah?” he whispers, his fear of what Kris is going to say flowing through his body, strangling him and making it hard to stand up.
“I love you,” says Kris. The way Kris says it, it’s firm and confident, the truth in his words not drowned by shame or guilt.
“I-“
“Let me finish, please,” Kris begs.
Kris turns around, faces him and Adam sees his bloodshot eyes, his slumped shoulders and his mussed hair, so adorably sad and wretched. Adam just wants to go to him, hug him and tell him that everything will be fine but the look in Kris’s eyes tells him to stay where he is.
“And you love me. I know,” Kris sighs, “but you love him too and this love we have, it’s an awesome love, great and epic and if people knew about it, we’d be written down in history as one of the greatest affairs that the world has ever seen.”
Kris pauses, looking outside again.
“But right now, Adam, that’s all we are. An affair, an illicit connection between two consenting adults who just wanted release and a bit of fun,” and Kris pauses there, exhaling harshly as his voice breaks.
“Kris, please don’t-don’t start rationalizing what we have,” counters Adam, his eyes growing hard as he tries to beat down the anger and hurt that Kris is calling forth within him.
“I’m not done yet, Adam, so please,” Kris pleads.
“We started that way, Adam, whoever thought we’d fall in love? I mean, not all great friendships turn to love, not all friendships give this all encompassing feeling of just giving and giving and letting go of everything else just for one more kiss, one more touch, one more smile,” Kris gives Adam a small one, trying to take away a bit of the heaviness of the situation.
“The thing is, that’s how we are and that’s how things could always be if we chose to stay this way but we’re hurting people, Adam. We’re hurting Katy. We’re hurting Sauli. We’re hurting ourselves in trying to be selfish.”
Adam can’t help it, can’t stop, he stands up and goes to Kris, turns him around to face him. He just needs to look at Kris, see the face he loves so dearly. Kris puts a hand on Adam’s chest, stopping him, holding him back.
“I don’t like who we’ve become because of this, Adam. I don’t like who I am anymore,” and tears flow down Kris’s eyes.
Adam doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t what he wants and what he can do. He tips his body forward, giving Kris a kiss on the forehead, present and comforting but not suffocating, not trying to ask for more.
“You’ve something to ask from me, Kris,” states Adam.
“How do you know?” asks Kris.
“Because I know you and I know you’re not finished yet,” mumbles Adam as he leans his forehead against Kris’s, waiting and praying for an answer.
“I need you to tell me what you want, baby,” Kris’s voice is scratchy now, the words not coming out clearly as if they know that in doing so, they are making things hard for Adam.
Adam’s eyes close momentarily, and he pushes his eyelids down harder, not wanting to open them, not wanting to look at the situation that he’s gotten himself into.
“Do you-do you love Katy, Kris?” he asks.
Kris hums in agreement.
“More than me?”
“As if I can, Adam. No one will measure up to you, baby.”
“But you’re happy with her,” Adam replies matter-of-factly.
“I am, I used to be and I can be. I just need to know what you want.”
Now I bet that your ears are burning
With three words on the tip of my tongue
At that moment, Adam sees the answer. He knows what he can do, for him, for Kris and for everyone else involved.
“I want happiness,” Adam tells Kris.
“I want what you have,” he continues, finally opening his eyes and looking at Kris’s.
Kris stares up at him, his emotions easily read on his face. His eyes are still too bright, probably just like Adam’s but he smiles, a small one before he scrunches his face up at Adam.
“Okay,” he breathes out, “okay, Adam.”
They hug and suddenly the world’s a brighter place.
In the end, it’s all or nothing
And I feel I’m ready now
So I try to be the answer
Cause I don’t wanna lose you again
Fast choices are decided by weighing two options.
All or nothing? Which one would you choose?
To be quite honest, it takes a strong man to choose to fight for everything, to give his all to get every single thing he thinks he deserves.
It takes an even stronger man to realize that he cannot have everything.
It’s not about pride. You’re not weak just because you don’t have everything you want. You’re not faulty or substandard just because you choose to stand down from a fight, to say that enough is enough and that at this point, doing more will just be wasteful, not needed, pointless.
It has taken a lot from Adam to get to this point, to this phase in his life that he’s no longer looking for more, for better. He’s fine with the life he has, the life he’s leading.
It’s his 30th birthday, still young, still able. It’s a very laidback night, just a small get together prepared as a celebration of family, friends, life and love, of thanksgiving for everything that he has had the chance to receive as well as the chance to give.
It’s been seven months since that fateful day, the day Adam finally realized that he alone could answer the questions that he sought the answers of, he alone could give light to the dark existence that he subjected himself and the people around him to. It was in him, all along. He had the answer.
I just hope that your heart is open
So that I can undo what I’ve done
Adam is pulled out of his quiet reverie by the silence that suddenly floods the room, the hand on the small of his back stilling and tightening its grip on his shirt, possessive yet unsure. Adam raises his arm up and pulls the body beside his, closer to him, hugging the person from the side and silently offering the reassurance the smaller man needs.
Adam looks towards the newcomers and a small smile brightens his face. He gives his partner’s shoulder a squeeze before standing up and heading towards the new arrivals.
“Hey,” Adam whispers as he moves forward and gives Katy a kiss on the cheek.
“Sorry we’re late, Adam,” Katy says pleasantly as she steps aside after the kiss to let Kris have his turn to greet Adam.
Almost everyone in the room feels the tension except Adam and Kris. To them, the room feels fine, comfortable if a bit crowded, homely, and welcoming. To them, it’s just a room filled with family and friends; it’s just a day of saying thank you. It’s just another day and that’s okay.
Kris is the first one to step forward. He has a smile on his lips and a glint to his eyes that reminds Adam of every thing that they’ve been through and the friendship that they started with, so easy and fulfilling in its simplicity.
“Good for you to come, Kris,” Adam sort-of announces to the room, more for everyone else’s sake than his and Kris’s. Adam steps forward and opens his arms as Kris does the same.
“I’d never miss it for the world, Adam,” Kris replies with a smirk, “not again.”
And this makes Adam laugh, his full laughter echoing through the room, taking away the tension that’s got everybody on a standstill.
Adam peeks at Katy and sees her talking to Brad, engaging in a battle of hand gestures that Adam cannot even understand.
He turns to look at Sauli and he sees him looking at him and Kris, not exactly a smile on his face but it’s relaxed, he’s relaxed, no wrinkles of worry in sight. Sauli’s looking at him with a set of twinkling eyes and his stance exuding the acceptance that Adam needs from him, from everyone around him.
He puts an arm on Kris’s shoulder and smiles at him as they walk towards the important people in their lives. For a moment, Kris reaches out for Katy’s hand, the wedding rings they have on creating an almost unheard soft bell-like sound but Adam hears it, and he’s glad for what he’s done, for the decisions that he’s made.
And I know that I don’t deserve you
But I don’t wanna lose you again
He still loves Kris and Kris still loves him.
This isn’t the life they said they’d fight for. This isn’t the future that they had always aspired to have but this is what they have and it’s fine, it’s more than bearable because this way, Adam gets to keep Kris, gets to keep a hold on him for the rest of their lives.
In the end, when he thinks about all of it, all of the things that has happened, Adam is okay, he’s content and he’s even happy, just like he wanted to be.
He looks at Kris who’s still fitted against his side, owning his place there as the best friend Adam will ever know. Kris isn’t looking at him but he’s there, he’s present and he’s with Adam and they’re fine.
They’re best friends again and this time, Adam will make sure that he doesn’t lose Kris, that he doesn’t let his feelings overwhelm both of them. He’s scared, so terrified that he’ll mess things up again one day, that Kris will realize how much work he is, realize that, really, Adam doesn’t deserve him.
His arm tightens on Kris’s shoulder and Kris looks at him. Adam knows the exact time Kris understands his fears, hears the quiet exclamation of his faults because he gives Adam a small smile.
He doesn’t expect the kiss that follows, on the lips, soft and warm, fast and platonic, probably the most innocent kiss they’ve ever shared and Adam thinks it’s the best because it feels like forgiveness, like a declaration of love.
It feels like acceptance.
Author: heyerruh
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2.5k
Disclaimer: This is fanfiction, baby! Otherwise, everyone here would be mine now.
Warnings: Angst, Infidelity, READ THE PROMPT :)
Pairing: Kradam, Kraty, Saubert
Prompt: This prompt I posted for kradam_kiss. I hope youkeyh likes this. I tried…to stop. LOL.
Notes: Title is from a1’s song Don’t Wanna Lose You Again because apparently, I can’t write anything without musical inspiration. No beta work done for this. All mistakes are mine. :)
Feedback: Very much appreciated.
Like a star, it’s so hard to reach you
Not enough just to call you a friend
Adam’s always known that doing this would be hard.
Kris doesn’t want to be reached and right now, he’s not answering any of Adam’s calls. It could be because of the increasing intensity of his kisses with Tommy during the tour or the unexpected appearance of Sauli, Adam doesn’t know. Kris is staying away from him and it could be Adam’s fault but he wouldn’t know, not when Kris refuses to talk, to even recognize that Adam’s exists.
The boundaries are all blurred, a bunch of knots on an overused rope. They exist, these boundaries, but it’s not clear where they are. It’s not clear what they’re separating.
In public, Kris is still married to Katy. Maybe not happily or contently, but they’re still married. Their vows still mean something even after the butchering that the married couple subjects it to. Kris’s constant absence. Katy’s unwavering indifference. Katy’s resistance to having children. Kris’s constant push for a family.
In public, Adam is with Sauli. They match, perfectly and completely. From clothes to music, from food to tattoos, Sauli is Adam’s psychological equal, able to love as much as Adam does, able to hold the attention of many even in the presence of Adam. Sauli could hold his own with Adam and Adam likes it that way.
Behind closed doors, Adam and Kris are in love, filling the empty spaces that Katy and Sauli could not with the love of the other, all consuming and eager, passionate and needy, the love that both are capable of finally finding a place in each other, together.
But the world dictates that change is unacceptable, that change corrupts, weakens and surprises the population to the point of breaking because of ignorance, the lack of understanding needed to cope with situations that involve getting a divorce, coming out or even something as measly as a break-up.
And so Kris and Adam hide and lie, keep themselves away from proclaiming the truth so that they’d be able to keep this relationship as their own, just theirs, not anyone else’s.
In the midst of promises to keep working, keep trying and not giving up, Adam finds himself tired. So tired. As if he’s too compliant that he’s letting the world get what they want, submitting to the whims of a populace that could never understand how intact and unbroken he feels with Kris around, how the sheer presence of the other man can obliterate the quiet moments of loneliness and desperation that they both tried to hide.
Adam wants to fight for them, he really, truly does. But in moments such as these, in the darkest part of the night with just him, the far sounds of a city still fully alive and the dark sky, Adam just wants to stop and let the Universe do what it wants, what it thinks is right.
He’s been looking up at the sky for hours now, trying to call Kris, reaching out for the inspiration to keep striving for a world that will accept them. The busy tone he hears with every call pierces his heart. It’s probably begging him to stop now, bow out, and let go.
No stars tonight, Adam muses as he exhales deeply. They’re hiding from him, just like Kris is, just like the solution to his troubles is, just like his happiness.
It’s awful how they started out as best friends and now, well.
Adam doesn’t know if they’re still friends.
I can feel that the wheel’s in motion
In this life, in this song, time and again,
Looking back, there’s a new reflection
Now I know what you give is what you get.
“Adam,” calls Kris as Adam looks at him, leaning against the window of their rented hotel room.
“Yeah?” he whispers, his fear of what Kris is going to say flowing through his body, strangling him and making it hard to stand up.
“I love you,” says Kris. The way Kris says it, it’s firm and confident, the truth in his words not drowned by shame or guilt.
“I-“
“Let me finish, please,” Kris begs.
Kris turns around, faces him and Adam sees his bloodshot eyes, his slumped shoulders and his mussed hair, so adorably sad and wretched. Adam just wants to go to him, hug him and tell him that everything will be fine but the look in Kris’s eyes tells him to stay where he is.
“And you love me. I know,” Kris sighs, “but you love him too and this love we have, it’s an awesome love, great and epic and if people knew about it, we’d be written down in history as one of the greatest affairs that the world has ever seen.”
Kris pauses, looking outside again.
“But right now, Adam, that’s all we are. An affair, an illicit connection between two consenting adults who just wanted release and a bit of fun,” and Kris pauses there, exhaling harshly as his voice breaks.
“Kris, please don’t-don’t start rationalizing what we have,” counters Adam, his eyes growing hard as he tries to beat down the anger and hurt that Kris is calling forth within him.
“I’m not done yet, Adam, so please,” Kris pleads.
“We started that way, Adam, whoever thought we’d fall in love? I mean, not all great friendships turn to love, not all friendships give this all encompassing feeling of just giving and giving and letting go of everything else just for one more kiss, one more touch, one more smile,” Kris gives Adam a small one, trying to take away a bit of the heaviness of the situation.
“The thing is, that’s how we are and that’s how things could always be if we chose to stay this way but we’re hurting people, Adam. We’re hurting Katy. We’re hurting Sauli. We’re hurting ourselves in trying to be selfish.”
Adam can’t help it, can’t stop, he stands up and goes to Kris, turns him around to face him. He just needs to look at Kris, see the face he loves so dearly. Kris puts a hand on Adam’s chest, stopping him, holding him back.
“I don’t like who we’ve become because of this, Adam. I don’t like who I am anymore,” and tears flow down Kris’s eyes.
Adam doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t what he wants and what he can do. He tips his body forward, giving Kris a kiss on the forehead, present and comforting but not suffocating, not trying to ask for more.
“You’ve something to ask from me, Kris,” states Adam.
“How do you know?” asks Kris.
“Because I know you and I know you’re not finished yet,” mumbles Adam as he leans his forehead against Kris’s, waiting and praying for an answer.
“I need you to tell me what you want, baby,” Kris’s voice is scratchy now, the words not coming out clearly as if they know that in doing so, they are making things hard for Adam.
Adam’s eyes close momentarily, and he pushes his eyelids down harder, not wanting to open them, not wanting to look at the situation that he’s gotten himself into.
“Do you-do you love Katy, Kris?” he asks.
Kris hums in agreement.
“More than me?”
“As if I can, Adam. No one will measure up to you, baby.”
“But you’re happy with her,” Adam replies matter-of-factly.
“I am, I used to be and I can be. I just need to know what you want.”
Now I bet that your ears are burning
With three words on the tip of my tongue
At that moment, Adam sees the answer. He knows what he can do, for him, for Kris and for everyone else involved.
“I want happiness,” Adam tells Kris.
“I want what you have,” he continues, finally opening his eyes and looking at Kris’s.
Kris stares up at him, his emotions easily read on his face. His eyes are still too bright, probably just like Adam’s but he smiles, a small one before he scrunches his face up at Adam.
“Okay,” he breathes out, “okay, Adam.”
They hug and suddenly the world’s a brighter place.
In the end, it’s all or nothing
And I feel I’m ready now
So I try to be the answer
Cause I don’t wanna lose you again
Fast choices are decided by weighing two options.
All or nothing? Which one would you choose?
To be quite honest, it takes a strong man to choose to fight for everything, to give his all to get every single thing he thinks he deserves.
It takes an even stronger man to realize that he cannot have everything.
It’s not about pride. You’re not weak just because you don’t have everything you want. You’re not faulty or substandard just because you choose to stand down from a fight, to say that enough is enough and that at this point, doing more will just be wasteful, not needed, pointless.
It has taken a lot from Adam to get to this point, to this phase in his life that he’s no longer looking for more, for better. He’s fine with the life he has, the life he’s leading.
It’s his 30th birthday, still young, still able. It’s a very laidback night, just a small get together prepared as a celebration of family, friends, life and love, of thanksgiving for everything that he has had the chance to receive as well as the chance to give.
It’s been seven months since that fateful day, the day Adam finally realized that he alone could answer the questions that he sought the answers of, he alone could give light to the dark existence that he subjected himself and the people around him to. It was in him, all along. He had the answer.
I just hope that your heart is open
So that I can undo what I’ve done
Adam is pulled out of his quiet reverie by the silence that suddenly floods the room, the hand on the small of his back stilling and tightening its grip on his shirt, possessive yet unsure. Adam raises his arm up and pulls the body beside his, closer to him, hugging the person from the side and silently offering the reassurance the smaller man needs.
Adam looks towards the newcomers and a small smile brightens his face. He gives his partner’s shoulder a squeeze before standing up and heading towards the new arrivals.
“Hey,” Adam whispers as he moves forward and gives Katy a kiss on the cheek.
“Sorry we’re late, Adam,” Katy says pleasantly as she steps aside after the kiss to let Kris have his turn to greet Adam.
Almost everyone in the room feels the tension except Adam and Kris. To them, the room feels fine, comfortable if a bit crowded, homely, and welcoming. To them, it’s just a room filled with family and friends; it’s just a day of saying thank you. It’s just another day and that’s okay.
Kris is the first one to step forward. He has a smile on his lips and a glint to his eyes that reminds Adam of every thing that they’ve been through and the friendship that they started with, so easy and fulfilling in its simplicity.
“Good for you to come, Kris,” Adam sort-of announces to the room, more for everyone else’s sake than his and Kris’s. Adam steps forward and opens his arms as Kris does the same.
“I’d never miss it for the world, Adam,” Kris replies with a smirk, “not again.”
And this makes Adam laugh, his full laughter echoing through the room, taking away the tension that’s got everybody on a standstill.
Adam peeks at Katy and sees her talking to Brad, engaging in a battle of hand gestures that Adam cannot even understand.
He turns to look at Sauli and he sees him looking at him and Kris, not exactly a smile on his face but it’s relaxed, he’s relaxed, no wrinkles of worry in sight. Sauli’s looking at him with a set of twinkling eyes and his stance exuding the acceptance that Adam needs from him, from everyone around him.
He puts an arm on Kris’s shoulder and smiles at him as they walk towards the important people in their lives. For a moment, Kris reaches out for Katy’s hand, the wedding rings they have on creating an almost unheard soft bell-like sound but Adam hears it, and he’s glad for what he’s done, for the decisions that he’s made.
And I know that I don’t deserve you
But I don’t wanna lose you again
He still loves Kris and Kris still loves him.
This isn’t the life they said they’d fight for. This isn’t the future that they had always aspired to have but this is what they have and it’s fine, it’s more than bearable because this way, Adam gets to keep Kris, gets to keep a hold on him for the rest of their lives.
In the end, when he thinks about all of it, all of the things that has happened, Adam is okay, he’s content and he’s even happy, just like he wanted to be.
He looks at Kris who’s still fitted against his side, owning his place there as the best friend Adam will ever know. Kris isn’t looking at him but he’s there, he’s present and he’s with Adam and they’re fine.
They’re best friends again and this time, Adam will make sure that he doesn’t lose Kris, that he doesn’t let his feelings overwhelm both of them. He’s scared, so terrified that he’ll mess things up again one day, that Kris will realize how much work he is, realize that, really, Adam doesn’t deserve him.
His arm tightens on Kris’s shoulder and Kris looks at him. Adam knows the exact time Kris understands his fears, hears the quiet exclamation of his faults because he gives Adam a small smile.
He doesn’t expect the kiss that follows, on the lips, soft and warm, fast and platonic, probably the most innocent kiss they’ve ever shared and Adam thinks it’s the best because it feels like forgiveness, like a declaration of love.
It feels like acceptance.