Fic for Vanya_Elda: Turn It All Around
Turn It All Around
Recipient vanya_elda
Author Elf Wonder
Rating R (mostly thematic)
Word Count ~6400
Summary When Kris meets his one night stand Adam in the park with his daughter, Kris has to face everything he's been avoiding
Warnings The middle part is nothing but straight up angst (with off page character death)
Notes For vanya_elda who requested h/c with Kris being the one comforted, and also Kradam daddies, and this is what came out. Apologies if it's a wee bit off prompt. Title from "Live Like We're Dying". Deleted scene will be posted after reveal. Huge thank you to Secret Elf Helper #1 and Secret Elf Helper #2 for reading my massive fails and fixing them.
October
Her hair has a purple streak.
Kris is sure that's why he notices her, sees her wandering the park, alone. The lone strand of purple amongst the auburn curls. He approaches the girl carefully. He normally doesn't interact with children, not since…
But she seems so lost, and everyone else seems to be just walking by.
So he gets down on one knee, and speaks in a low, soothing voice.
"Hey. Are you lost?"
The girl turns, her eyes wet. Kris notices her outfit for the first time, a garish pink dress with weird white stripe up the middle. It's paired with a leather coat and white boots.
"I can't find my daddy."
There's a waver in her voice, and Kris swallows.
"Well, my name is Kris, and I'm a teacher over there at the music store. Maybe we can call someone to find him?"
"I wasn't supposed to wander off, but the slide is pink. And kind of sparkly. I thought my dad would really like it, and then I turned around and there were people and they were pushing and now I can't find my daddy."
The girl is trembling, but she is fighting not to cry. Kris admires that. He reaches in his pocket.
"This is my cell phone. I'm going to call the police. Then maybe they can help us look for your daddy and we can both show him the pink sparkly slide." Kris hates the slide. Hates the park. He's almost frozen just standing this close. But he can't help but make the promise. "Does that sound cool?"
The girl nods. "I'm not supposed to go with strangers. Can we stand here and do it?"
"Of course," Kris says. "I understand."
He starts dialing. Then a voice comes out of nowhere.
"Allison Rainbow Lambert!"
Allison's face opens up, and she looks simultaneously chagrined and happy. "Daddy! Daddy! This is Kris, he was calling the police to find you and now we can go look at the pink sparkly slide!"
Kris watches the girl-Allison-run around him, and hangs up his phone. He turns to greet the father. Kris can see a dark head buried in Allison's shoulder.
"Don't ever do that again. I was so worried."
Then Allison's dad stands up.
Kris doesn't want to know his name. That's not what he's here for. So he ignores the attempts for eye contact and grinds closer, his hands grabbing the other man's hips tighter. The tall dark stranger responds by biting Kris's ear, then lightly swiping with his tongue. Kris groans and buries his head in the man's chest, his face hot and flushed.
"Um. Hi. I'm Kris." He holds out his hand.
"He works at the music store across the street daddy. He's a teacher he says!"
"Is that so," the man murmurs, one eyebrow raised.
"I ah, teach guitar and piano," Kris rubs the back of his head, realizing he still didn't know anything more than the man's last name.
"I'm Adam. It's nice to meet you Kris."
There is an implied 'again' at the end of the sentence, and Kris shakes Adam's hand and tries wildly to think of a reason to get away as fast as he can.
"Now can we go see the pink sparkly slide?"
"Oh," Kris says, remembering his promise to Allison.
"You said we could go see it!" Allison pouts and folds her arms.
"I did. Why don't you lead the way?"
Kris watches as Allison grabs Adam's hand and leads him into the park. Adam sends him a look so full of meaning Kris almost falls down from the weight of it. Kris follows anyway. He always keeps his promises.
*
"Can I go again?"
"You can slide as many times as you want, Alli-bear, just don't where I can't see you."
Allison grins and runs to the steps leading to the slide. Kris sits on the park bench, not quite next to Adam, but close enough he could reach out and touch him. If he wants to.
"I never did say thank you. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her."
Kris doesn't say anything. Statements like that make him avoid situations like this. He's just trying to enjoy the warmth of the sun and the sound of Allison's laughter on the wind. Because just being here is more than he thought he could handle.
"So. Music huh?"
Kris turns and looks at Adam. "Yeah. I did the band thing for awhile, and then needed a steadier job."
"Why?"
Kris doesn't answer. Adam seems nice, and well, Kris has no complaints about the night in the club, but he doesn't need anything deeper. Doesn't want it. Cannot handle it.
"Because."
Adam frowns. "Did I offend you in some way? I thought maybe you were just shy the other night, but now I'm beginning to think you're just plain rude."
"Maybe I am. You have a lovely daughter. I need to go now."
Kris gets up and walks away before Adam's piercing eyes can compel him to say anymore. It isn't worth the pain, he tells himself.
*
"You didn't say goodbye to me."
Kris looks up from the guitar he is tuning. Today Allison is in a bright blue and green outfit, with black sneakers.
"I had to leave. I'm sorry."
He looks at the woman accompanying her. "Please tell me she didn't convince you to come here just for that."
The woman laughs. "No. I'm Alexis. Her aunt? Kind of. I'm actually here to buy some new strings and then she saw you and wouldn't let me go until we came over."
"I see."
"My daddy says you were rude."
Kris blinks in surprise. "Excuse me?"
Allison blushes, "Well, I heard him talking to Grandma, and he said you were rude."
"Are you supposed to listen to other people's conversations?"
Allison shakes her head.
"There you go. Now go let your Aunt Alexis buy her guitar strings, okay?"
Kris can deal with this. Really he can. Allison is old enough that she doesn't remind him of Lily. In any way. Except for the look in her eyes. The mischief waiting to happen.
"Can I stay and talk with you while she picks them out?"
Kris nods before he thinks, and suddenly he's alone. With a child. The panic crawls up his throat, but he looks to the guitar so he can concentrate on that instead.
"So, were you rude to my daddy?"
Kris looks back up. Allison has planted herself at his feet, watching him intently.
"Probably. But I'm pretty rude to a lot of people."
"Why?"
"If I'm rude to them, then they leave me alone."
Allison gasps. "But why would you want to be alone?"
"I quite like it, actually."
Alexis is already heading back, thankfully. Allison stands up. Inexplicably she throws her arms around Kris and squeezes. He doesn't breathe until she steps back.
"No one should be alone," she says, waving as she and Alexis leave.
Kris shivers, trying not to think.
*
It's December by the time Kris sees them again. He's almost forgotten the brief interlude in his otherwise quiet life. He still has dreams about the club, ones that leave him restless, hard and aching to be touched again. But he can't risk seeing Adam again, so he just leans his head against the shower and takes care of things. He has no feelings attached to this, which strikes him as the best possible solution. Feelings mean pain, and he's done well to avoid it.
But it's Christmas Eve, and he is closing the store, as he has done for the last three years. He doesn't expect anyone, when the bell rings ten minutes before closing.
"Hi Kris!!! I told my daddy you'd be open, and you are!"
"Hello, Allison," Kris says.
He actually is glad to see her, which sets off all sorts of alarm bells in his head. Then Adam is at the counter, and Kris has to pretend to be able to function like a normal human.
"So what can I help you with?"
"Well, I need something kitschy for Alexis. She already has a ton of sheet music, and every type of guitar thing I can think of, and yeah. I'm terrible shopping the day before, and I don't even really celebrate Christmas, I mean, I'm Jewish. Sort of. But Alexis is amazing by babysitting all the time and-"
"I have just the thing," Kris says, walking over to the jewelry case. "We have these earrings. Made from old picks. You can never go wrong with jewelry. Trust me."
"Those are amazing. Perfect."
Kris grins, and Adam smiles back. For a moment, everything is frozen. Kris looks down, and pulls a box from under the counter. It's been six months since that night in the club, and Kris's heart is still beating wildly. It's stupid and pointless and will not end well.
"That'll be thirteen-ninety-five," Kris says, looking down at the glass.
The rest of the transaction is completed in silence.
"Thank you for helping, Kris," Adam says.
Kris nods, not trusting himself to speak. He isn't supposed to want. He had promised himself he would never want again.
When he walks out the door half an hour later, Adam is right outside.
"Hi," Adam says. "I, uh, dropped Allison off with her other dad, and then I thought to myself, it's snowing and cold outside, why not freeze and wait for someone who has repeatedly blown you off and shut you down, right?"
Kris blinks, the street is completely empty. "Well, if you walk on my left, you can block me from the slush of passing cars. I suppose that could be considered repayment for finding Allison for you. But don't expect me to talk. Like I tell everyone, I'm quite happy being alone."
Adam nods, and they walk in silence. Then Adam begins to talk.
"I don't have to send Alli to her other dad. I mean, he left before she even remembered him, and she's actually mine. But I loved him. Love him still in a lot of ways. She gets a lot of her sass from him. I suppose that means something, right?"
Kris says nothing, concentrating on his face. Adam sighs, and talks about Allison, and Brad-the other dad-and what they mean to him. He moves to clothes, and music, and how he makes a living in the theater, how it isn't much, but he's happy in his little apartment with Alli. They stop when they reach Kris's door, and even though Kris sees a million reasons he should talk to Adam, he doesn't.
Adam looks up at the building. "Huh. I used to live here. Before Allison came along. Does it still smell like dead dog in the middle of July?" Adam asks.
"Only when Mrs. Hearnst cooks her beef stew."
Adam nods. "There's mistletoe."
Kris looks up. "Adam, I-"
Adam leans down, "Just shut up, okay?"
Then Adam's lips are warm and soft against his own, a gentle press, their bodies a whisper apart. Kris trembles, remembering before. He opens his mouth, letting Adam in, and finds himself pressed against the door, his hand fisted in Adam's scarf. He shifts, allowing Adam to step forward, until not even a snowflake can pass between them. With a groan, Kris pushes Adam away, breathing hard.
"I-I can't do this. I'm sorry. Please. Just let me be. Please."
Kris doesn't know how he opens the door and gets in so quickly, and he can hear Adam still breathing on the steps outside. But Kris is safe inside. He is on the floor shaking, the panic threatening to take over, but now that he is alone, things might be okay.
For now.
Ignoring Adam's quiet knocks, Kris manages to crawl up the stairs and into his bed.
*
January
When Adam appears right before a lesson, Kris sighs. In the weeks since Christmas, Adam has taken to appearing at the store, or near Kris's apartment.
"I believe my lesson was supposed to be for a Miss Color? That's what my card says."
"Actually, I may have chosen to fight dirty," Adam says, stepping back and letting Allison in.
"Look, I have a pink guitar Kris! I got it for my birthday!"
Allison waves the guitar around, her eyes sparkling. Kris feels his chest constrict.
"Kris?"
Kris can barely hear Adam through the ringing in his ears. He can't breathe.
"Allison honey, why don't you go ask the lady at the counter for a glass of water?"
Kris doesn't even see Allison leave the room. But he feels Adam's hand on his shoulder, and finally speaks.
"I can't. Please. Don't do this."
Adam shakes his head. "I'm not letting go now. I can't now. I care too much."
Kris laughs. It's brittle and short. "Caring is how I got here in the first place."
Allison comes back in the room. "Miss Megan says you probably should take your medicine if you aren't breathing well. Are you sick?"
Kris looks at Allison, and takes the glass of water. "Sort of. Tell you what. Why don't we go get some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at my apartment, and I'll tell you about it."
He looks at Adam. "You may want to get Alexis. She shouldn't hear all of it."
Adam nods and pulls out his phone, squeezing Kris's shoulder with his free hand.
*
Kris pulls the box out of his closet. It has a thick layer of dust; he's done pretty well avoiding it.
"What's that?" Allison asks.
Kris sits on the floor next to her, not looking at Adam. He opens the box. On top is the tiny toy red guitar.
"That's even smaller than mine!"
Kris swallows. "That's because it belonged to someone smaller than you." He pulls out a photo next.
"Her name was Lily."
Allison's eyes widen. "Was?"
Kris nods. "She'd be just about your age, actually."
"I don't understand."
Kris smiles and pulls out a small photo album.
"This is us. Our first family photo. That's Katy. Lily's mom. And me. I got the job at the guitar store just after she was born. Figured I needed a real job since I had a baby to take care of. We were very happy."
"What happened?"
"There was an accident. Lily died." Kris pauses, trying to keep his voice level. "Then Katy and I just started fighting about stupid things, and we left each other. You with your little pink guitar just brought up a lot of memories."
The doorbell rings then. "That must be Alexis."
Allison looks at Adam. "You two are going to talk about adult things aren't you?"
Adam nods soberly. "Unfortunately, yes. Is that okay?"
Allison nods. "Yes. He needs a hug though."
Allison puts her arms around Kris, and whispers in his ear. "I can take piano if you want. I don't have to learn guitar."
Kris blinks back a tear, and for the first time, squeezes back. "I'd be honored to teach you guitar. Deal?"
"Deal!"
Allison smiles and walks with her dad down the stairs. Kris is still on the floor when Adam returns, flipping through the pages of the baby book. Adam sits down next to him.
"So I guess now you'll want all the gory details."
"Please," Adam says, taking Kris's hand in his own. "I-"
Kris squeezes. "I haven't talked to anyone about it. Not since Katy left."
"Okay. Whatever you want-"
"She was six pounds when she was born. But she just cried her eyes out. She had a set of lungs on her."
Kris picks up the photo album by his feet.
"This is her at the hospital. Look at those eyes."
"She's beautiful," Adam whispers.
"She was pretty sick to start out. That's why I got the music store job, because playing in bars wasn't paying the hospital bills. But our Lily just fought and fought. She came home just before Christmas. I bought her the guitar because it was on sale."
"It's bigger than her," Adam says, pointing at the picture.
"Yeah. But after awhile she just played with it and played with it. I replaced the strings a million times. Had to re-glue the back once."
Kris doesn't have to look at the album. He's memorized every photo. In all of them, Lily is grinning lopsidedly and holding the guitar.
"One day." Kris leans back into the couch. "One day we were out for a walk. A walk we'd taken a million times. She was so excited to go play. She slipped out of my hand."
"Kris-"
"Please. I have to," Kris closes his eyes, lets the tears come. "The car wasn't even driving that fast. But she hit her head. She split her head open and bled out in the street. Because I couldn't hold her hand."
"Kris."
"No one blamed me. The driver. She was inconsolable. Katy. Katy never said a word. But old resentments came up. I started drinking in bars I hadn't visited since I started dating Katy. Ones where I could flirt either way I wanted to. We began to fight for no reason. She left."
"And you shut yourself away."
"It was working pretty well till I met you," Kris opens his eyes, but he cannot read Adam's face.
"You're the one who came out dancing."
"I've never had problems picking up men and letting them go."
"No attachments."
"Exactly. No pain."
"Kris, I-"
"Don't. I've heard it all. It's not my fault. It could have happened to anyone. I'm perfectly fine living my life just the way it is, okay? I just need for you to stay out of it."
"I can't."
"Why?"
Kris could barely whisper the plea, and he already saw the answer in Adam's eyes.
"Because Allison won't let me. Because I won't let me. Despite the fact you've run me off, pushed me away and tried to convince me you somehow let your child die, I still haven't moved have I?"
Kris shakes his head. "I don't know if I can do this again."
"You already are."
Kris looks at Adam and lets out a shaky sigh. "Okay. Okay. No. Not okay. I'm sorry."
Adam looks at Kris for a long time. "Guess I'm just going to have to play dirty again."
Kris almost jumps when Adam kisses him, expecting anything but the feather light touch of Adam's lips to his own. It's as if Adam is memorizing Kris's face with his lips, one small touch at a time.
"You have expressive eyes," Adam murmurs. "You can't even hide you're half in love with Allison already.
Kris says nothing, trying to say frozen with Adam's hands on his body. But it's hard not to respond to his gentle touch.
"Your hands are amazing," Adam says, kissing the fingertips.
"You think seducing me is going to fix things?" Kris says, pulling his hand away.
"I wanted to show you that I don't care what you think you did or didn't do. That I care about you. That. Never mind."
Adam stands up. "I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Best of luck."
Kris sits by the couch, rubbing his hands together. This is better. So much better. Now he can go back to his life. His quiet days at the store, his nights of peace. No blue eyes staring. No little girl laughing. Just his four white walls and a box in the closet he'd like to forget.
Kris picks up the photo album, and looks at the picture he left it on. It's Lily, playing a song she made up for him. Kris remembers a snatch of lyrics he wrote for her, the joy on her face when he had sung it.
Kris blinks back tears. No more Adam means no more Allison. No more slides. Or silly little songs.
"Oh fuck," he whispers, and scrambles for the door.
Kris runs out, and takes the steps two at a time. Adam is just outside the door.
"Adam! Wait. Please."
Adam turns. "What?"
"No one ever said that. No one grieved with us. Everyone just said it would get better. Or that God had a reason for everything. No one ever, no one ever just let us cry. I thought we were supposed to shut it out and instead I just shut everything out, and I-"
Kris couldn't speak anymore, gasping for breath in between words. He bent over in the doorway.
"Stop holding it in, okay?" Adam says, wrapping his arms around Kris.
Kris buries his head into Adam's chest. "You were wrong."
"About what?"
"Allison. I sat up there telling myself it was better, better that you left, and then I remembered without you, there would be no Allison. Shit I'm already in love with her."
"Scared?"
Kris nods. "I don't want to be alone right now. I can't promise I won't throw you out in the morning, or shut you out in a week. But-can you stay?"
"As long as you need."
They walk back up the stairs. Kris looks at the box on the floor. He doesn't know what he feels right now, except scared. But not all of it is bad.
"Do you want to put the box away?" Adam asks.
"Not yet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe if I keep it out for a bit, I can handle it. Maybe."
Kris looks up at Adam. "One more thing. Please."
"Anything."
Kris pulls Adam down to him, and kisses him.
"Kris."
"I need to finish what I started."
"I don't think-"
"I need you to finish what you started," Kris says, purposefully undoing one of the buttons of Adam's shirt.
"Kris-"
Kiss. Another button. "Touch me. If you don’t touch me, I'm going to go crazy. I've dreamt of that night ever since, wondering."
Adam gives him a long look, as if deciding something. "All right."
Adam's hands are everywhere. Kris remembers this from the club, but this time they are slow and purposeful, lingering on the curves of Kris's body.
"Adam, please."
"I'm touching you. Just like you asked."
"Please."
Adam looks at Kris for a long time, then nods.
"Where is everything? Please tell me-"
"Bathroom. Medicine cabinet."
Adam kisses Kris on the cheek. "Thank goodness. Bedroom. Now."
Kris nods, tearing off his shirt. Adam is standing in the door of the bathroom when he gets there, staring.
"Wow. I guess you work out a lot."
Kris blushes, "A little. It helps, ah, release tension."
"I'll bet," Adam murmurs and walks over, kneeling in front of the bed. "Tell me you've done this before."
"Yes. It's been awhile, but yes."
"Good."
Adam kisses him again, hands lingering on his chest. Kris wants to hurry, to feel everything right now, but Adam is insistent. He slowly works his way down Kris's chest, little kisses and bites that make Kris shiver.
"Don't stop," Kris whispers when Adam's mouth disappears.
"If you want this to keep going, we're going to need fewer clothes."
"Hmmm, okay."
Adam removes his shirt. "As you can tell, I have better ways of working out my tension than the gym."
"Slut."
"Jealous."
Kris laughs then, letting it take over. There's a smile on Adam's face that he can't help but feel down to his own toes. Then Adam is kissing him again, and he's completely distracted.
"Please, more. Why-"
"Shhh," Adam says, rolling down Kris's jeans and throwing them into a corner. "I've got you."
Adam mouth's Kris's cock through the thin cotton of his boxers. Kris moans and thrusts into it, one hand in Adam's hair, the other entangles in the sheets. He watches as Adam finally strips down to nothing.
"Wow."
Adam says nothing. Just walks over and kisses Kris, just as before, a simple promise of two lips together.
Later, later is more than a promise. Kris only thinks on the moment, when he and Adam are closer together than he could have possibly thought, Adam's face buried in his shoulder, lips pressed to his neck. Kris meets every movement with his hips, hands grasping for purchase on Adam's back.
"Adam. Adam."
Adam kisses Kris again, no promises, just heat and mouths. Adam whispers,
"Just let go," and scrapes his teeth against Kris's earlobe. Kris shudders, this time without the music to hide his moans, only the sound of skin against skin and the slight movement of his bed into the wall.
Kris manages to wrap his leg around Adam, pushing him harder, Adam gasps and his hands tighten until Kris knows he's going to bruise.
"Cheater," Adam says after laying a moment.
"Like that wasn't way better than me sticking my hand down your pants in a club full of strangers."
Adam looks at Kris until they both laugh.
"I have to move now."
Kris nods. The fear is back, the fear of Adam leaving, and of him staying. Kris waits for all of it to spill out, but somehow his mouth is shut. Glued by some force he cannot explain. Adam walks to the bathroom and back and Kris has not moved a bit.
Adam looks at Kris for a moment, and then sits beside him on the bed. "I'm not leaving, okay? But maybe… it might be good for me to go get breakfast with Alli?"
Kris lets out a breath and nods. "I'm sorry. I can't seem-"
Adam kisses him. "Shhh. If I've learned one thing from my daughter, is that if I annoy you enough, I'll get what I want. So I'm sticking. Plus you're cute."
Kris smiles. "Usually that gets me into trouble."
"Who says I'm not trouble?"
Adam lies down, putting his arm around Kris and placing a warm kiss on his shoulder. "Just sleep okay?"
Kris pulls Adam's arm close and shuts his eyes. It's a long time before he falls asleep.
*
It's daylight when Kris wakes. Adam is gone. But there is a note on the side table.
Kris-
I almost stayed, because I didn't want you waking alone, but Alli is an early riser, and I promised you I'd give you the space you need. I'll have a better picture for you this afternoon. Don't run away. Please.
Adam.
Kris picks up the picture. It's wrinkled and coffee stained, and faded with the years. Allison is in Adam's lap, looking up at him with just a hint of a smile on her face. Kris holds it for a very long time, his hand shaking slightly.
Then he picks up the phone and calls his mother.
"Mama?"
"Kris? What's wrong? Honey?"
Kris lets out a shaky breath. "Mama, do you think-no. Have you talked to Katy lately?"
There is a long silence. "Kris, I-Are you sure you are okay?"
"No. I'm not. I haven't been for a long time."
"Do I-"
"No. Please. I. I met someone."
Kris lets the sentence hang for awhile.
"And you think Katy needs to know?"
Kris wishes he could find his words, but it's his mom, and there is nothing worse than talking to her sometimes. It's not that she would ever not accept Kris; it's just that she's his mom, and it's hard to say exactly what needs to be said.
"I want to talk to Katy because I think it might help."
More silence.
"Tell me everything."
"Mama. I can't. Please. Just know that I met someone, and he's amazing, and he has a little girl, and I'm scared. That I'm going to love them too much."
"Oh baby. You've always loved too much. That's why it hurts so badly now. I wish I could be there. But I'm going to do the next best thing."
"What's that?"
"Call Megan."
Kris says nothing. Megan is the only one of his friends he's kept from before everything. He isn't sure why, but it's as if he had cut everything out and Megan was left, and he couldn't bear to lose one more thing. Either that or just that she never let him go.
"I think that would be okay. She's probably worried anyway; I left in kind of a hurry yesterday."
"All right, now tell me about this boy. Is he tall dark and handsome?"
"Mama."
*
Kris hangs up the phone half an hour later, shaking so hard he has to curl up on the bed. Megan finds him there an hour later.
"Kris? Oh honey. I thought-"
She sits on the bed and rubs his back. "What's that in your hand? And why are you still wearing-"
Megan pauses. "Oh my God. Oh my God."
Kris knows what she's looking at. Either the picture Adam left or Kris's shirt from the night before, slightly torn and rumpled in the corner. It doesn't matter, because now she knows just what Kris has done. Except there is so much more to tell, and Kris can barely get the words to come.
Kris reaches for her hand. "I called my mom and asked for Katy's number," he whispers.
Megan squeezes his hand. "When you didn't come in, after yesterday, I thought maybe you'd had a panic attack. And then she called, and I knew it was serious."
"A little, yeah."
"Tell me everything."
Kris licks his lips. He doesn't go into detail about the night before (Megan may be the only person he's let into his life, but there are things even she does not need to know), but he finally feels the dam burst. He talks about Lily, and Katy, and how he had let them down. About Allison and Adam, and how they have crept into his locked heart. How he wants to simultaneously jump in the air and stay in his bed forever.
"I'm so scared," he says.
"Welcome to life, baby. You think I'm not scared? Owning a music store in the middle of nowhere while raising a seven year old son on my own, dealing with my neurotic best friend, and still looking this good? That's scary."
Kris laughs. "I'm going to need a lot of help."
"That's what friends are for, baby. But first you are so giving me the dirty details about the sex."
"I am not."
Megan smiles. "You will. One day you will. Or Adam will. You do know it was me that told him to keep annoying you, right? After all, that's how I got you to let me in."
Kris squeezes her hand again, smiling. "Good thing, too."
*
March
"You always did look best playing."
Kris looks up from his guitar. He tries not to freeze. He does manage to stand and put the guitar down, which is definitely an improvement.
"Hi, Katy," he says.
He remembers vaguely giving his mother a spare apartment key, but not for this sort of thing. Then again, perhaps she thought this was exactly the right time. Katy smiles at him, and Kris realizes it doesn't hurt. Not as much as he thought it would.
"Your mom said you wanted to talk to me. But that you still can't conquer the phone."
Kris shrugs. "I'm still recovering, I suppose."
Katy nods. "We'll always be recovering. Can I come in?"
"Oh. Yes. Um. Don't mind the mess, I had people over yesterday."
Katy sits on the couch. "Your mom says you have a boyfriend now?"
Kris looks at his shoes, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. Um. Yeah."
He looks back at her. She's smiling.
"You really like him," she says.
Kris nods, and sits on the couch next to her. "I do."
"Good. I'm still dating around a bit. You know."
"Yeah."
"Is that him?"
Katy points to the picture on the coffee table. It's recent, a photo Kris took of Adam and Allison at the park.
"Yeah. That's his daughter. Allison."
Katy looks at the picture a long time, then back at Kris. "I never blamed you."
"I know."
"I think we both said and did a lot of stupid things then."
Kris puts his hand on her knee. "I'm sorry I shut you out."
She smiles. "I'm sorry I let you."
Katy puts her hand on top of Kris's. "How are you? Really?"
Kris shrugs. "Better. Scared out of my mind, but I think in a good way."
"Have you called Cale yet?"
Kris shakes his head. "That's the hard one. You were easy."
"Trust me. You'd be surprised. Plus, the music always helped, before."
"I'm doing music now."
Katy sighs. "Your music. You know, back when you still dreamed of being a rock star."
"Oh."
"I have some of your boxes of music somewhere in the attic. I can bring it over."
Kris looks down at his hands. "I'd like that."
"Good."
When Katy leaves half an hour later, she gives him a long hug.
"I do love you. And I'm glad you're happy. Don't let anything get in the way of that. Not even you."
"I'll try," Kris says. "I love you too. I'm sorry-"
Katy shakes her head. "What's done is done. Call me, okay? If nothing else, to let me hear that you haven't shut yourself up again. Or I'll sic your mom on you."
Kris nods and watches her walk down the hall.
*
May
"Excuse me, but I'm looking for Kris Allen?"
Kris is walking up front. He knows the voice, is surprised at how much he has missed it. Cale is leaning over the counter, flirting with Megan.
"Cale, stop bothering Megan."
Cale stands and looks at Kris for a long time, as if trying to decide how to handle everything. He grins and gathers Kris in a big bear hug. Kris can hear Megan's gasp, but he manages not to panic too badly.
"You're too thin," Cale says, hands still on Kris's shoulders. "Is your boyfriend not feeding you?"
"I'm fine, Mom," Kris says.
It's as if nothing has happened. Kris isn't sure how to act, what to do, because he knows he let Cale down in so many ways.
"Stop it," Megan interrupts his thoughts. "I see that look on your face, Kristopher Allen."
Kris lets out a breath. "I already have a mother; I do not need two more, thank you."
Both Megan and Cale pretend to look offended.
"Why don't you come back to my studio and we can talk there? I believe Megan has a store to run," Kris says, and turns away.
It's almost like old times, Megan and Cale mothering him, him joking back. Kris can feel his hands shaking. He can handle this.
"Really, Kris, you actually look better than the last time I saw you."
Kris turns and looks at Cale. "I'm doing better."
"Good. I hope you have an extra guitar; I left mine at the hotel. Wasn't sure."
Kris nods. It isn't as awkward as he thought it would be, but it also isn't easy.
"I-"
"No," Cale says. "I don't want explanations, or apologies, or anything. Because I was just as bad a friend to you as you were to me. Plus I figure if I let you go on this, you'll forgive me when I ask Megan out."
Kris says nothing for a moment. "Hurt her and I'll kill you personally."
Cale grins and picks up a guitar. "Let's get to work."
Kris closes the studio door and sits down. His hands are still shaky, but this is familiar. He's been here before and it was good. He can do this.
*
October
"Kris? It's one in the morning."
Kris looks up from his guitar and smiles at Adam. "Sorry. I had a song idea. I didn't mean to wake you. I had to get it down."
"Can I see?" Adam walks over to the couch and sits.
Kris looks at the hastily written lyrics, with notes on chord changes and ideas for the finished product. Then he looks at the picture of Lily. Thinks of the dream that woke him and made him start writing it down.
"Yeah," he says, handing the sheet to Adam.
Adam reads for awhile, and then gives Kris a meaningful look. "Would you sing it for me?"
Kris nods, feeling around for the opening chords he thinks he wants.
"It may not be, the best one, it may not be, like the rest of them-"
Adam watches carefully, and waits for Kris to finish. "You just wrote that. Just now."
"It's been bouncing around for awhile. I have a song for Allison up there too."
Adam smiles. "Don't tell her that until it's finished. Are you going to do anything with that song and the fifty million others you have lying around? Or are you and Cale going to keep messing around?"
Kris looks down at the guitar. "I'd like to. I'm going to. I promise. I promise to try. Okay?"
"Good," Adam says, sitting down next to Kris. "Anything else you've been hiding?"
"Actually."
Adam sighs. Kris has been working on it, and he's gotten a lot better about sharing. But it still takes him time.
"I've been thinking. We're pretty solid on the house payment, and if I sell a couple songs, or something, we'll have a little bit of a cushion. I know you've been saving, and I have money put aside too."
"Kris, whatever it is, just ask."
Kris fiddles with one of the strings. Then he looks up at Adam.
"I want another baby."
Adam blinks, says nothing. Kris looks back down at the guitar, fine tuning it and picking out unnamed tunes.
"Okay," Adam says finally. "I think that would be amazing."
Kris looks back up. "Stop crying you asshole. Or else I'm going to cry too."
"Look who's all bossy now that he's going to be a famous songwriter."
"Trust me, tomorrow I'll just be another dad at the pink sparkly slide."
"You know Alli is going to try to get you to dye your hair again," Adam says.
"Maybe I will. You never know."
Kris leans into Adam. He still worries, every day, that somehow this will all be gone. But then Allison will sing him her butterfly worm song, or Adam will try to convince him into just a little eyeliner, and Kris remembers that it isn't a bad thing. Or the accidents, or the worries. It's just living.
He thinks he can handle that.
Even if it means matching purple streaks with his daughter.
~fin~
Recipient vanya_elda
Author Elf Wonder
Rating R (mostly thematic)
Word Count ~6400
Summary When Kris meets his one night stand Adam in the park with his daughter, Kris has to face everything he's been avoiding
Warnings The middle part is nothing but straight up angst (with off page character death)
Notes For vanya_elda who requested h/c with Kris being the one comforted, and also Kradam daddies, and this is what came out. Apologies if it's a wee bit off prompt. Title from "Live Like We're Dying". Deleted scene will be posted after reveal. Huge thank you to Secret Elf Helper #1 and Secret Elf Helper #2 for reading my massive fails and fixing them.
October
Her hair has a purple streak.
Kris is sure that's why he notices her, sees her wandering the park, alone. The lone strand of purple amongst the auburn curls. He approaches the girl carefully. He normally doesn't interact with children, not since…
But she seems so lost, and everyone else seems to be just walking by.
So he gets down on one knee, and speaks in a low, soothing voice.
"Hey. Are you lost?"
The girl turns, her eyes wet. Kris notices her outfit for the first time, a garish pink dress with weird white stripe up the middle. It's paired with a leather coat and white boots.
"I can't find my daddy."
There's a waver in her voice, and Kris swallows.
"Well, my name is Kris, and I'm a teacher over there at the music store. Maybe we can call someone to find him?"
"I wasn't supposed to wander off, but the slide is pink. And kind of sparkly. I thought my dad would really like it, and then I turned around and there were people and they were pushing and now I can't find my daddy."
The girl is trembling, but she is fighting not to cry. Kris admires that. He reaches in his pocket.
"This is my cell phone. I'm going to call the police. Then maybe they can help us look for your daddy and we can both show him the pink sparkly slide." Kris hates the slide. Hates the park. He's almost frozen just standing this close. But he can't help but make the promise. "Does that sound cool?"
The girl nods. "I'm not supposed to go with strangers. Can we stand here and do it?"
"Of course," Kris says. "I understand."
He starts dialing. Then a voice comes out of nowhere.
"Allison Rainbow Lambert!"
Allison's face opens up, and she looks simultaneously chagrined and happy. "Daddy! Daddy! This is Kris, he was calling the police to find you and now we can go look at the pink sparkly slide!"
Kris watches the girl-Allison-run around him, and hangs up his phone. He turns to greet the father. Kris can see a dark head buried in Allison's shoulder.
"Don't ever do that again. I was so worried."
Then Allison's dad stands up.
Kris doesn't want to know his name. That's not what he's here for. So he ignores the attempts for eye contact and grinds closer, his hands grabbing the other man's hips tighter. The tall dark stranger responds by biting Kris's ear, then lightly swiping with his tongue. Kris groans and buries his head in the man's chest, his face hot and flushed.
"Um. Hi. I'm Kris." He holds out his hand.
"He works at the music store across the street daddy. He's a teacher he says!"
"Is that so," the man murmurs, one eyebrow raised.
"I ah, teach guitar and piano," Kris rubs the back of his head, realizing he still didn't know anything more than the man's last name.
"I'm Adam. It's nice to meet you Kris."
There is an implied 'again' at the end of the sentence, and Kris shakes Adam's hand and tries wildly to think of a reason to get away as fast as he can.
"Now can we go see the pink sparkly slide?"
"Oh," Kris says, remembering his promise to Allison.
"You said we could go see it!" Allison pouts and folds her arms.
"I did. Why don't you lead the way?"
Kris watches as Allison grabs Adam's hand and leads him into the park. Adam sends him a look so full of meaning Kris almost falls down from the weight of it. Kris follows anyway. He always keeps his promises.
*
"Can I go again?"
"You can slide as many times as you want, Alli-bear, just don't where I can't see you."
Allison grins and runs to the steps leading to the slide. Kris sits on the park bench, not quite next to Adam, but close enough he could reach out and touch him. If he wants to.
"I never did say thank you. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her."
Kris doesn't say anything. Statements like that make him avoid situations like this. He's just trying to enjoy the warmth of the sun and the sound of Allison's laughter on the wind. Because just being here is more than he thought he could handle.
"So. Music huh?"
Kris turns and looks at Adam. "Yeah. I did the band thing for awhile, and then needed a steadier job."
"Why?"
Kris doesn't answer. Adam seems nice, and well, Kris has no complaints about the night in the club, but he doesn't need anything deeper. Doesn't want it. Cannot handle it.
"Because."
Adam frowns. "Did I offend you in some way? I thought maybe you were just shy the other night, but now I'm beginning to think you're just plain rude."
"Maybe I am. You have a lovely daughter. I need to go now."
Kris gets up and walks away before Adam's piercing eyes can compel him to say anymore. It isn't worth the pain, he tells himself.
*
"You didn't say goodbye to me."
Kris looks up from the guitar he is tuning. Today Allison is in a bright blue and green outfit, with black sneakers.
"I had to leave. I'm sorry."
He looks at the woman accompanying her. "Please tell me she didn't convince you to come here just for that."
The woman laughs. "No. I'm Alexis. Her aunt? Kind of. I'm actually here to buy some new strings and then she saw you and wouldn't let me go until we came over."
"I see."
"My daddy says you were rude."
Kris blinks in surprise. "Excuse me?"
Allison blushes, "Well, I heard him talking to Grandma, and he said you were rude."
"Are you supposed to listen to other people's conversations?"
Allison shakes her head.
"There you go. Now go let your Aunt Alexis buy her guitar strings, okay?"
Kris can deal with this. Really he can. Allison is old enough that she doesn't remind him of Lily. In any way. Except for the look in her eyes. The mischief waiting to happen.
"Can I stay and talk with you while she picks them out?"
Kris nods before he thinks, and suddenly he's alone. With a child. The panic crawls up his throat, but he looks to the guitar so he can concentrate on that instead.
"So, were you rude to my daddy?"
Kris looks back up. Allison has planted herself at his feet, watching him intently.
"Probably. But I'm pretty rude to a lot of people."
"Why?"
"If I'm rude to them, then they leave me alone."
Allison gasps. "But why would you want to be alone?"
"I quite like it, actually."
Alexis is already heading back, thankfully. Allison stands up. Inexplicably she throws her arms around Kris and squeezes. He doesn't breathe until she steps back.
"No one should be alone," she says, waving as she and Alexis leave.
Kris shivers, trying not to think.
*
It's December by the time Kris sees them again. He's almost forgotten the brief interlude in his otherwise quiet life. He still has dreams about the club, ones that leave him restless, hard and aching to be touched again. But he can't risk seeing Adam again, so he just leans his head against the shower and takes care of things. He has no feelings attached to this, which strikes him as the best possible solution. Feelings mean pain, and he's done well to avoid it.
But it's Christmas Eve, and he is closing the store, as he has done for the last three years. He doesn't expect anyone, when the bell rings ten minutes before closing.
"Hi Kris!!! I told my daddy you'd be open, and you are!"
"Hello, Allison," Kris says.
He actually is glad to see her, which sets off all sorts of alarm bells in his head. Then Adam is at the counter, and Kris has to pretend to be able to function like a normal human.
"So what can I help you with?"
"Well, I need something kitschy for Alexis. She already has a ton of sheet music, and every type of guitar thing I can think of, and yeah. I'm terrible shopping the day before, and I don't even really celebrate Christmas, I mean, I'm Jewish. Sort of. But Alexis is amazing by babysitting all the time and-"
"I have just the thing," Kris says, walking over to the jewelry case. "We have these earrings. Made from old picks. You can never go wrong with jewelry. Trust me."
"Those are amazing. Perfect."
Kris grins, and Adam smiles back. For a moment, everything is frozen. Kris looks down, and pulls a box from under the counter. It's been six months since that night in the club, and Kris's heart is still beating wildly. It's stupid and pointless and will not end well.
"That'll be thirteen-ninety-five," Kris says, looking down at the glass.
The rest of the transaction is completed in silence.
"Thank you for helping, Kris," Adam says.
Kris nods, not trusting himself to speak. He isn't supposed to want. He had promised himself he would never want again.
When he walks out the door half an hour later, Adam is right outside.
"Hi," Adam says. "I, uh, dropped Allison off with her other dad, and then I thought to myself, it's snowing and cold outside, why not freeze and wait for someone who has repeatedly blown you off and shut you down, right?"
Kris blinks, the street is completely empty. "Well, if you walk on my left, you can block me from the slush of passing cars. I suppose that could be considered repayment for finding Allison for you. But don't expect me to talk. Like I tell everyone, I'm quite happy being alone."
Adam nods, and they walk in silence. Then Adam begins to talk.
"I don't have to send Alli to her other dad. I mean, he left before she even remembered him, and she's actually mine. But I loved him. Love him still in a lot of ways. She gets a lot of her sass from him. I suppose that means something, right?"
Kris says nothing, concentrating on his face. Adam sighs, and talks about Allison, and Brad-the other dad-and what they mean to him. He moves to clothes, and music, and how he makes a living in the theater, how it isn't much, but he's happy in his little apartment with Alli. They stop when they reach Kris's door, and even though Kris sees a million reasons he should talk to Adam, he doesn't.
Adam looks up at the building. "Huh. I used to live here. Before Allison came along. Does it still smell like dead dog in the middle of July?" Adam asks.
"Only when Mrs. Hearnst cooks her beef stew."
Adam nods. "There's mistletoe."
Kris looks up. "Adam, I-"
Adam leans down, "Just shut up, okay?"
Then Adam's lips are warm and soft against his own, a gentle press, their bodies a whisper apart. Kris trembles, remembering before. He opens his mouth, letting Adam in, and finds himself pressed against the door, his hand fisted in Adam's scarf. He shifts, allowing Adam to step forward, until not even a snowflake can pass between them. With a groan, Kris pushes Adam away, breathing hard.
"I-I can't do this. I'm sorry. Please. Just let me be. Please."
Kris doesn't know how he opens the door and gets in so quickly, and he can hear Adam still breathing on the steps outside. But Kris is safe inside. He is on the floor shaking, the panic threatening to take over, but now that he is alone, things might be okay.
For now.
Ignoring Adam's quiet knocks, Kris manages to crawl up the stairs and into his bed.
*
January
When Adam appears right before a lesson, Kris sighs. In the weeks since Christmas, Adam has taken to appearing at the store, or near Kris's apartment.
"I believe my lesson was supposed to be for a Miss Color? That's what my card says."
"Actually, I may have chosen to fight dirty," Adam says, stepping back and letting Allison in.
"Look, I have a pink guitar Kris! I got it for my birthday!"
Allison waves the guitar around, her eyes sparkling. Kris feels his chest constrict.
"Kris?"
Kris can barely hear Adam through the ringing in his ears. He can't breathe.
"Allison honey, why don't you go ask the lady at the counter for a glass of water?"
Kris doesn't even see Allison leave the room. But he feels Adam's hand on his shoulder, and finally speaks.
"I can't. Please. Don't do this."
Adam shakes his head. "I'm not letting go now. I can't now. I care too much."
Kris laughs. It's brittle and short. "Caring is how I got here in the first place."
Allison comes back in the room. "Miss Megan says you probably should take your medicine if you aren't breathing well. Are you sick?"
Kris looks at Allison, and takes the glass of water. "Sort of. Tell you what. Why don't we go get some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at my apartment, and I'll tell you about it."
He looks at Adam. "You may want to get Alexis. She shouldn't hear all of it."
Adam nods and pulls out his phone, squeezing Kris's shoulder with his free hand.
*
Kris pulls the box out of his closet. It has a thick layer of dust; he's done pretty well avoiding it.
"What's that?" Allison asks.
Kris sits on the floor next to her, not looking at Adam. He opens the box. On top is the tiny toy red guitar.
"That's even smaller than mine!"
Kris swallows. "That's because it belonged to someone smaller than you." He pulls out a photo next.
"Her name was Lily."
Allison's eyes widen. "Was?"
Kris nods. "She'd be just about your age, actually."
"I don't understand."
Kris smiles and pulls out a small photo album.
"This is us. Our first family photo. That's Katy. Lily's mom. And me. I got the job at the guitar store just after she was born. Figured I needed a real job since I had a baby to take care of. We were very happy."
"What happened?"
"There was an accident. Lily died." Kris pauses, trying to keep his voice level. "Then Katy and I just started fighting about stupid things, and we left each other. You with your little pink guitar just brought up a lot of memories."
The doorbell rings then. "That must be Alexis."
Allison looks at Adam. "You two are going to talk about adult things aren't you?"
Adam nods soberly. "Unfortunately, yes. Is that okay?"
Allison nods. "Yes. He needs a hug though."
Allison puts her arms around Kris, and whispers in his ear. "I can take piano if you want. I don't have to learn guitar."
Kris blinks back a tear, and for the first time, squeezes back. "I'd be honored to teach you guitar. Deal?"
"Deal!"
Allison smiles and walks with her dad down the stairs. Kris is still on the floor when Adam returns, flipping through the pages of the baby book. Adam sits down next to him.
"So I guess now you'll want all the gory details."
"Please," Adam says, taking Kris's hand in his own. "I-"
Kris squeezes. "I haven't talked to anyone about it. Not since Katy left."
"Okay. Whatever you want-"
"She was six pounds when she was born. But she just cried her eyes out. She had a set of lungs on her."
Kris picks up the photo album by his feet.
"This is her at the hospital. Look at those eyes."
"She's beautiful," Adam whispers.
"She was pretty sick to start out. That's why I got the music store job, because playing in bars wasn't paying the hospital bills. But our Lily just fought and fought. She came home just before Christmas. I bought her the guitar because it was on sale."
"It's bigger than her," Adam says, pointing at the picture.
"Yeah. But after awhile she just played with it and played with it. I replaced the strings a million times. Had to re-glue the back once."
Kris doesn't have to look at the album. He's memorized every photo. In all of them, Lily is grinning lopsidedly and holding the guitar.
"One day." Kris leans back into the couch. "One day we were out for a walk. A walk we'd taken a million times. She was so excited to go play. She slipped out of my hand."
"Kris-"
"Please. I have to," Kris closes his eyes, lets the tears come. "The car wasn't even driving that fast. But she hit her head. She split her head open and bled out in the street. Because I couldn't hold her hand."
"Kris."
"No one blamed me. The driver. She was inconsolable. Katy. Katy never said a word. But old resentments came up. I started drinking in bars I hadn't visited since I started dating Katy. Ones where I could flirt either way I wanted to. We began to fight for no reason. She left."
"And you shut yourself away."
"It was working pretty well till I met you," Kris opens his eyes, but he cannot read Adam's face.
"You're the one who came out dancing."
"I've never had problems picking up men and letting them go."
"No attachments."
"Exactly. No pain."
"Kris, I-"
"Don't. I've heard it all. It's not my fault. It could have happened to anyone. I'm perfectly fine living my life just the way it is, okay? I just need for you to stay out of it."
"I can't."
"Why?"
Kris could barely whisper the plea, and he already saw the answer in Adam's eyes.
"Because Allison won't let me. Because I won't let me. Despite the fact you've run me off, pushed me away and tried to convince me you somehow let your child die, I still haven't moved have I?"
Kris shakes his head. "I don't know if I can do this again."
"You already are."
Kris looks at Adam and lets out a shaky sigh. "Okay. Okay. No. Not okay. I'm sorry."
Adam looks at Kris for a long time. "Guess I'm just going to have to play dirty again."
Kris almost jumps when Adam kisses him, expecting anything but the feather light touch of Adam's lips to his own. It's as if Adam is memorizing Kris's face with his lips, one small touch at a time.
"You have expressive eyes," Adam murmurs. "You can't even hide you're half in love with Allison already.
Kris says nothing, trying to say frozen with Adam's hands on his body. But it's hard not to respond to his gentle touch.
"Your hands are amazing," Adam says, kissing the fingertips.
"You think seducing me is going to fix things?" Kris says, pulling his hand away.
"I wanted to show you that I don't care what you think you did or didn't do. That I care about you. That. Never mind."
Adam stands up. "I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. Best of luck."
Kris sits by the couch, rubbing his hands together. This is better. So much better. Now he can go back to his life. His quiet days at the store, his nights of peace. No blue eyes staring. No little girl laughing. Just his four white walls and a box in the closet he'd like to forget.
Kris picks up the photo album, and looks at the picture he left it on. It's Lily, playing a song she made up for him. Kris remembers a snatch of lyrics he wrote for her, the joy on her face when he had sung it.
Kris blinks back tears. No more Adam means no more Allison. No more slides. Or silly little songs.
"Oh fuck," he whispers, and scrambles for the door.
Kris runs out, and takes the steps two at a time. Adam is just outside the door.
"Adam! Wait. Please."
Adam turns. "What?"
"No one ever said that. No one grieved with us. Everyone just said it would get better. Or that God had a reason for everything. No one ever, no one ever just let us cry. I thought we were supposed to shut it out and instead I just shut everything out, and I-"
Kris couldn't speak anymore, gasping for breath in between words. He bent over in the doorway.
"Stop holding it in, okay?" Adam says, wrapping his arms around Kris.
Kris buries his head into Adam's chest. "You were wrong."
"About what?"
"Allison. I sat up there telling myself it was better, better that you left, and then I remembered without you, there would be no Allison. Shit I'm already in love with her."
"Scared?"
Kris nods. "I don't want to be alone right now. I can't promise I won't throw you out in the morning, or shut you out in a week. But-can you stay?"
"As long as you need."
They walk back up the stairs. Kris looks at the box on the floor. He doesn't know what he feels right now, except scared. But not all of it is bad.
"Do you want to put the box away?" Adam asks.
"Not yet. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe if I keep it out for a bit, I can handle it. Maybe."
Kris looks up at Adam. "One more thing. Please."
"Anything."
Kris pulls Adam down to him, and kisses him.
"Kris."
"I need to finish what I started."
"I don't think-"
"I need you to finish what you started," Kris says, purposefully undoing one of the buttons of Adam's shirt.
"Kris-"
Kiss. Another button. "Touch me. If you don’t touch me, I'm going to go crazy. I've dreamt of that night ever since, wondering."
Adam gives him a long look, as if deciding something. "All right."
Adam's hands are everywhere. Kris remembers this from the club, but this time they are slow and purposeful, lingering on the curves of Kris's body.
"Adam, please."
"I'm touching you. Just like you asked."
"Please."
Adam looks at Kris for a long time, then nods.
"Where is everything? Please tell me-"
"Bathroom. Medicine cabinet."
Adam kisses Kris on the cheek. "Thank goodness. Bedroom. Now."
Kris nods, tearing off his shirt. Adam is standing in the door of the bathroom when he gets there, staring.
"Wow. I guess you work out a lot."
Kris blushes, "A little. It helps, ah, release tension."
"I'll bet," Adam murmurs and walks over, kneeling in front of the bed. "Tell me you've done this before."
"Yes. It's been awhile, but yes."
"Good."
Adam kisses him again, hands lingering on his chest. Kris wants to hurry, to feel everything right now, but Adam is insistent. He slowly works his way down Kris's chest, little kisses and bites that make Kris shiver.
"Don't stop," Kris whispers when Adam's mouth disappears.
"If you want this to keep going, we're going to need fewer clothes."
"Hmmm, okay."
Adam removes his shirt. "As you can tell, I have better ways of working out my tension than the gym."
"Slut."
"Jealous."
Kris laughs then, letting it take over. There's a smile on Adam's face that he can't help but feel down to his own toes. Then Adam is kissing him again, and he's completely distracted.
"Please, more. Why-"
"Shhh," Adam says, rolling down Kris's jeans and throwing them into a corner. "I've got you."
Adam mouth's Kris's cock through the thin cotton of his boxers. Kris moans and thrusts into it, one hand in Adam's hair, the other entangles in the sheets. He watches as Adam finally strips down to nothing.
"Wow."
Adam says nothing. Just walks over and kisses Kris, just as before, a simple promise of two lips together.
Later, later is more than a promise. Kris only thinks on the moment, when he and Adam are closer together than he could have possibly thought, Adam's face buried in his shoulder, lips pressed to his neck. Kris meets every movement with his hips, hands grasping for purchase on Adam's back.
"Adam. Adam."
Adam kisses Kris again, no promises, just heat and mouths. Adam whispers,
"Just let go," and scrapes his teeth against Kris's earlobe. Kris shudders, this time without the music to hide his moans, only the sound of skin against skin and the slight movement of his bed into the wall.
Kris manages to wrap his leg around Adam, pushing him harder, Adam gasps and his hands tighten until Kris knows he's going to bruise.
"Cheater," Adam says after laying a moment.
"Like that wasn't way better than me sticking my hand down your pants in a club full of strangers."
Adam looks at Kris until they both laugh.
"I have to move now."
Kris nods. The fear is back, the fear of Adam leaving, and of him staying. Kris waits for all of it to spill out, but somehow his mouth is shut. Glued by some force he cannot explain. Adam walks to the bathroom and back and Kris has not moved a bit.
Adam looks at Kris for a moment, and then sits beside him on the bed. "I'm not leaving, okay? But maybe… it might be good for me to go get breakfast with Alli?"
Kris lets out a breath and nods. "I'm sorry. I can't seem-"
Adam kisses him. "Shhh. If I've learned one thing from my daughter, is that if I annoy you enough, I'll get what I want. So I'm sticking. Plus you're cute."
Kris smiles. "Usually that gets me into trouble."
"Who says I'm not trouble?"
Adam lies down, putting his arm around Kris and placing a warm kiss on his shoulder. "Just sleep okay?"
Kris pulls Adam's arm close and shuts his eyes. It's a long time before he falls asleep.
*
It's daylight when Kris wakes. Adam is gone. But there is a note on the side table.
Kris-
I almost stayed, because I didn't want you waking alone, but Alli is an early riser, and I promised you I'd give you the space you need. I'll have a better picture for you this afternoon. Don't run away. Please.
Adam.
Kris picks up the picture. It's wrinkled and coffee stained, and faded with the years. Allison is in Adam's lap, looking up at him with just a hint of a smile on her face. Kris holds it for a very long time, his hand shaking slightly.
Then he picks up the phone and calls his mother.
"Mama?"
"Kris? What's wrong? Honey?"
Kris lets out a shaky breath. "Mama, do you think-no. Have you talked to Katy lately?"
There is a long silence. "Kris, I-Are you sure you are okay?"
"No. I'm not. I haven't been for a long time."
"Do I-"
"No. Please. I. I met someone."
Kris lets the sentence hang for awhile.
"And you think Katy needs to know?"
Kris wishes he could find his words, but it's his mom, and there is nothing worse than talking to her sometimes. It's not that she would ever not accept Kris; it's just that she's his mom, and it's hard to say exactly what needs to be said.
"I want to talk to Katy because I think it might help."
More silence.
"Tell me everything."
"Mama. I can't. Please. Just know that I met someone, and he's amazing, and he has a little girl, and I'm scared. That I'm going to love them too much."
"Oh baby. You've always loved too much. That's why it hurts so badly now. I wish I could be there. But I'm going to do the next best thing."
"What's that?"
"Call Megan."
Kris says nothing. Megan is the only one of his friends he's kept from before everything. He isn't sure why, but it's as if he had cut everything out and Megan was left, and he couldn't bear to lose one more thing. Either that or just that she never let him go.
"I think that would be okay. She's probably worried anyway; I left in kind of a hurry yesterday."
"All right, now tell me about this boy. Is he tall dark and handsome?"
"Mama."
*
Kris hangs up the phone half an hour later, shaking so hard he has to curl up on the bed. Megan finds him there an hour later.
"Kris? Oh honey. I thought-"
She sits on the bed and rubs his back. "What's that in your hand? And why are you still wearing-"
Megan pauses. "Oh my God. Oh my God."
Kris knows what she's looking at. Either the picture Adam left or Kris's shirt from the night before, slightly torn and rumpled in the corner. It doesn't matter, because now she knows just what Kris has done. Except there is so much more to tell, and Kris can barely get the words to come.
Kris reaches for her hand. "I called my mom and asked for Katy's number," he whispers.
Megan squeezes his hand. "When you didn't come in, after yesterday, I thought maybe you'd had a panic attack. And then she called, and I knew it was serious."
"A little, yeah."
"Tell me everything."
Kris licks his lips. He doesn't go into detail about the night before (Megan may be the only person he's let into his life, but there are things even she does not need to know), but he finally feels the dam burst. He talks about Lily, and Katy, and how he had let them down. About Allison and Adam, and how they have crept into his locked heart. How he wants to simultaneously jump in the air and stay in his bed forever.
"I'm so scared," he says.
"Welcome to life, baby. You think I'm not scared? Owning a music store in the middle of nowhere while raising a seven year old son on my own, dealing with my neurotic best friend, and still looking this good? That's scary."
Kris laughs. "I'm going to need a lot of help."
"That's what friends are for, baby. But first you are so giving me the dirty details about the sex."
"I am not."
Megan smiles. "You will. One day you will. Or Adam will. You do know it was me that told him to keep annoying you, right? After all, that's how I got you to let me in."
Kris squeezes her hand again, smiling. "Good thing, too."
*
March
"You always did look best playing."
Kris looks up from his guitar. He tries not to freeze. He does manage to stand and put the guitar down, which is definitely an improvement.
"Hi, Katy," he says.
He remembers vaguely giving his mother a spare apartment key, but not for this sort of thing. Then again, perhaps she thought this was exactly the right time. Katy smiles at him, and Kris realizes it doesn't hurt. Not as much as he thought it would.
"Your mom said you wanted to talk to me. But that you still can't conquer the phone."
Kris shrugs. "I'm still recovering, I suppose."
Katy nods. "We'll always be recovering. Can I come in?"
"Oh. Yes. Um. Don't mind the mess, I had people over yesterday."
Katy sits on the couch. "Your mom says you have a boyfriend now?"
Kris looks at his shoes, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah. Um. Yeah."
He looks back at her. She's smiling.
"You really like him," she says.
Kris nods, and sits on the couch next to her. "I do."
"Good. I'm still dating around a bit. You know."
"Yeah."
"Is that him?"
Katy points to the picture on the coffee table. It's recent, a photo Kris took of Adam and Allison at the park.
"Yeah. That's his daughter. Allison."
Katy looks at the picture a long time, then back at Kris. "I never blamed you."
"I know."
"I think we both said and did a lot of stupid things then."
Kris puts his hand on her knee. "I'm sorry I shut you out."
She smiles. "I'm sorry I let you."
Katy puts her hand on top of Kris's. "How are you? Really?"
Kris shrugs. "Better. Scared out of my mind, but I think in a good way."
"Have you called Cale yet?"
Kris shakes his head. "That's the hard one. You were easy."
"Trust me. You'd be surprised. Plus, the music always helped, before."
"I'm doing music now."
Katy sighs. "Your music. You know, back when you still dreamed of being a rock star."
"Oh."
"I have some of your boxes of music somewhere in the attic. I can bring it over."
Kris looks down at his hands. "I'd like that."
"Good."
When Katy leaves half an hour later, she gives him a long hug.
"I do love you. And I'm glad you're happy. Don't let anything get in the way of that. Not even you."
"I'll try," Kris says. "I love you too. I'm sorry-"
Katy shakes her head. "What's done is done. Call me, okay? If nothing else, to let me hear that you haven't shut yourself up again. Or I'll sic your mom on you."
Kris nods and watches her walk down the hall.
*
May
"Excuse me, but I'm looking for Kris Allen?"
Kris is walking up front. He knows the voice, is surprised at how much he has missed it. Cale is leaning over the counter, flirting with Megan.
"Cale, stop bothering Megan."
Cale stands and looks at Kris for a long time, as if trying to decide how to handle everything. He grins and gathers Kris in a big bear hug. Kris can hear Megan's gasp, but he manages not to panic too badly.
"You're too thin," Cale says, hands still on Kris's shoulders. "Is your boyfriend not feeding you?"
"I'm fine, Mom," Kris says.
It's as if nothing has happened. Kris isn't sure how to act, what to do, because he knows he let Cale down in so many ways.
"Stop it," Megan interrupts his thoughts. "I see that look on your face, Kristopher Allen."
Kris lets out a breath. "I already have a mother; I do not need two more, thank you."
Both Megan and Cale pretend to look offended.
"Why don't you come back to my studio and we can talk there? I believe Megan has a store to run," Kris says, and turns away.
It's almost like old times, Megan and Cale mothering him, him joking back. Kris can feel his hands shaking. He can handle this.
"Really, Kris, you actually look better than the last time I saw you."
Kris turns and looks at Cale. "I'm doing better."
"Good. I hope you have an extra guitar; I left mine at the hotel. Wasn't sure."
Kris nods. It isn't as awkward as he thought it would be, but it also isn't easy.
"I-"
"No," Cale says. "I don't want explanations, or apologies, or anything. Because I was just as bad a friend to you as you were to me. Plus I figure if I let you go on this, you'll forgive me when I ask Megan out."
Kris says nothing for a moment. "Hurt her and I'll kill you personally."
Cale grins and picks up a guitar. "Let's get to work."
Kris closes the studio door and sits down. His hands are still shaky, but this is familiar. He's been here before and it was good. He can do this.
*
October
"Kris? It's one in the morning."
Kris looks up from his guitar and smiles at Adam. "Sorry. I had a song idea. I didn't mean to wake you. I had to get it down."
"Can I see?" Adam walks over to the couch and sits.
Kris looks at the hastily written lyrics, with notes on chord changes and ideas for the finished product. Then he looks at the picture of Lily. Thinks of the dream that woke him and made him start writing it down.
"Yeah," he says, handing the sheet to Adam.
Adam reads for awhile, and then gives Kris a meaningful look. "Would you sing it for me?"
Kris nods, feeling around for the opening chords he thinks he wants.
"It may not be, the best one, it may not be, like the rest of them-"
Adam watches carefully, and waits for Kris to finish. "You just wrote that. Just now."
"It's been bouncing around for awhile. I have a song for Allison up there too."
Adam smiles. "Don't tell her that until it's finished. Are you going to do anything with that song and the fifty million others you have lying around? Or are you and Cale going to keep messing around?"
Kris looks down at the guitar. "I'd like to. I'm going to. I promise. I promise to try. Okay?"
"Good," Adam says, sitting down next to Kris. "Anything else you've been hiding?"
"Actually."
Adam sighs. Kris has been working on it, and he's gotten a lot better about sharing. But it still takes him time.
"I've been thinking. We're pretty solid on the house payment, and if I sell a couple songs, or something, we'll have a little bit of a cushion. I know you've been saving, and I have money put aside too."
"Kris, whatever it is, just ask."
Kris fiddles with one of the strings. Then he looks up at Adam.
"I want another baby."
Adam blinks, says nothing. Kris looks back down at the guitar, fine tuning it and picking out unnamed tunes.
"Okay," Adam says finally. "I think that would be amazing."
Kris looks back up. "Stop crying you asshole. Or else I'm going to cry too."
"Look who's all bossy now that he's going to be a famous songwriter."
"Trust me, tomorrow I'll just be another dad at the pink sparkly slide."
"You know Alli is going to try to get you to dye your hair again," Adam says.
"Maybe I will. You never know."
Kris leans into Adam. He still worries, every day, that somehow this will all be gone. But then Allison will sing him her butterfly worm song, or Adam will try to convince him into just a little eyeliner, and Kris remembers that it isn't a bad thing. Or the accidents, or the worries. It's just living.
He thinks he can handle that.
Even if it means matching purple streaks with his daughter.
~fin~