Fic: The Tie [24/66]
“Where you mad at him?”
“No.”
“Then why did you snap at him?”
Adam looked away from Sheila’s calm green eyes and stared at the tropical island scene on the wall, remembering how he used to wish he could jump into the painting and escape his painful life. “I was mad at myself I guess.”
“Because?”
“Because…I don’t know.” Adam knew he wouldn’t get away with that; she had never let him when he was younger and she wouldn’t now.
“Of course you know,” she said predictably.
“Fine.” He got up and walked to the painting. Maybe I need a vacation. “I don’t like how much I…” Yeah, a tropical vacation. That would be perfect. Maybe Kris would come with me…
“Adam.”
God, was she always this relentless? He puffed out a breath and turned around. “I don’t like how much I need him. When he was packing up on
Sunday night, I felt…I don’t know, like if he left I just wasn’t going to be okay.”
“And what made you think of that this morning?”
Adam shrugged and sat back down, stretching his legs out on the leather stool in front of his chair. “I should have cared more about him being late, but all I could think about was how much I didn’t want him to go. And then I felt bad about that and then I got pissed.”
“So, you got mad at yourself for needing him and then you cried.”
Shit, I shouldn’t have mentioned that in the first place. He nodded. “And then he hugged me and left and voila! Here I am,” he said, throwing his arms wide and adopting a fake grin. Sheila quirked a smile and tapped her finger on the arm of her chair. Ugh. “Yes I cried.”
“Why, Adam?”
“Because that’s what people do when they’re sad?” he said cheekily.
Sheila just raised an eyebrow. Adam looked at his lap and spoke quietly. “I…I really don’t want to talk about this.”
“I know,” she said kindly. “You know why I’m pushing you on it though, don’t you?”
“Because you’re evil,” he retorted with an impish grin.
The soft lines in her heart-shaped face creased as she chuckled. “Yes, I’m an evil therapist, you’ve finally figured me out. Adam…” She paused, as if considering how much to press him.
His eyes darted to the picture on the wall again. I can’t escape this if I want to get better, if I want Kris. “I got scared, Sheila, because I…I don’t want to lose him.” He pushed out a long breath and wrung his hands nervously.
“That was very brave of you to say. It shows me how committed you are to this process,” she smiled encouragingly. Adam tried to take comfort in her words, but he knew the worst was still coming. “Can you continue or should we stop here and do some relaxation?” she asked.
Adam thought about his dream of Kris the angel flying away from him. More like a nightmare. He heard the words in his head again and cringed, already feeling his throat tighten up painfully. Sheila pushed a box of tissues toward him, but he shoved them away roughly and sprang up from his chair, pacing and running his hands through his hair repeatedly.
“Adam, you’re agitated. Maybe we should stop now.”
“No. No, I can do this.” He gritted his teeth and scrubbed the wetness from his eyes. “I had a nightmare that Kris left me because…because I’m a damaged freak,” he said, coming to a stop in the middle of the floor and hanging his head. A few tears dropped to the wood floor.
Sheila was not the type to hug clients, but she got up and put her hand on Adam’s shoulder reassuringly. “And who is telling you that you are a damaged freak?”
“They are,” he whispered. “They always do.”
“No, Adam,” Sheila said with sympathy in her eyes.
“What?” Adam snapped his head up and glared at her angrily. “Yes they are! Those bastards, they called me a freak!”
Sheila shook her head sadly. “Adam, can’t you hear yourself? Yes, they called you a freak, but did they ever call you damaged? And they are all in prison now; they’re not talking to you anymore. Adam, who is telling you that you’re a damaged freak? Think about it.”
He could hear them in his head, his so-called friends from theater, people he’d trusted and cared for. But one voice stood out over them all. “You’re nothing but a fat, disgusting, freak, Lambert!” The ugly words coming out of Sam’s beautiful, twisted mouth were like poisoned darts. Then other voices joined the fray, his parents and Ali, telling him that Sam was wrong, that he wasn’t a freak and then…there it was, Adam’s own voice. I’m a damaged freak, damaged goods. No one will ever want me now. I’m broken. Look what I’ve become. I’ll always be alone. No one will ever love me. I’m only good for sex.
Adam sat down hard on the floor and put his head in his hands. “I am. I’m telling myself that stuff,” he mumbled. He’d known this on some level for many years, but it had never been so clear to him before.
“That’s right,” said Sheila softly. She sat down next to him. “And do you believe that Kris really thinks you are a ‘damaged freak’?
He reached up, plucked a tissue from the box on the table behind him and blew his nose. “No, not really. He keeps telling me how great I am actually.”
“And do you feel great when you’re with him?”
“Most of the time, yes.” Except for when I’m acting like an idiot.
“Adam, I want you to listen to me carefully.” She shifted so that they faced each other and looked into his pained face. “When you stop believing that you are damaged and unworthy of love, then you will stop needing Kris with such intensity.”
“But it’s true, Sheila. Look at me. I’m…ashamed of myself. Look at what I let them do to me…what it made me into. I’ll never be…normal.” He couldn’t help the tears that started to flow as he mourned for himself. “I’m broken,” he choked out, “he’ll realize it sooner or later and then he’ll leave and I’ll be alone…again.”
Sheila squeezed his arm. “Come on, let’s go sit down.” When they were settled back in the chairs, she gave Adam a moment to compose himself before continuing. “Let’s review what’s actually real, shall we?”
Not this again. I know what she’s going to say and it’s not going to help.
“You didn’t ‘let’ them do anything, Adam. You were raped and beaten by eight other people.”
“I trusted them.”
“Yes, you trusted them. Does everyone you trust hurt you? Did you make them hurt you by trusting them?”
Adam sighed wearily. “No.” They’d been over this countless times when he’d been younger and tried to date after high school.
“Do you trust Kris?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think he’d ever hurt you like that?”
“Of course not!” he said passionately. “Kris loves me. He respects me and trusts me. He’d never hurt me that way! He thinks I’m amazing and funny and smart and sexy and…” Oh. Suddenly he understood what she’d been getting at. Adam looked at her, sitting calmly in her chair and waiting for him to realize it on his own. “I don’t know how to stop thinking those bad things about myself.”
“Ahhh. Now we’re getting somewhere.”
By the time his session was over, Adam was emotionally drained. I can’t believe she gave me homework. What am I, twelve? At least she said I could do it over the phone with him. Seriously embarrassing. After cooking himself a simple stir-fry for lunch, Adam sat on his couch and looked around his apartment. What am I going to do now? It would be hours before Kris called him. Maybe I should look for a new job. Or work on my album. I could call Ali, or Neil. He continued to run down his list of options, trying to push away the suffocating need he felt for Kris. His apartment felt empty now. Adam had always relished the quiet of his sanctuary, but all he wanted was to hear Kris laughing, talking…groaning, screaming his name in ecstasy. The image of Kris tied up and spouting filthy words popped into Adam’s mind and he groaned softly.
Amazed that I haven’t developed tennis elbow yet, he thought as he unzipped his pants. The frequency with which Adam masturbated had increased exponentially since he’d met Kris. He stripped off his pants and sat with his legs open, slowly rubbing himself through his underwear and daydreaming about those brown eyes and...Perfect lips…the way they look around my cock…mmmmm…and that tongue… Adam shivered and pressed the heel of his palm down firmly, remembering the feel of Kris’ tongue in his hole. Oh yes, stay with that… He took off his boxer-briefs and stuck a finger in his mouth, sucking on it until it was dripping wet. Pulling up his knees, he positioned himself the way that he had the first time he’d felt Kris’ glorious tongue in him and touched the quivering ring of muscle with his slippery finger. “Ohhhhhhh…” he moaned out loud and pictured Kris between his legs, licking him over and over again. He rubbed circles around his hole and then pushed a fingertip in, thinking of the way he’d fucked himself with Kris’ tongue. “Mmmmm, yeah baby…just like that…” Deeper and deeper went his finger until he found the right angle and brushed his prostate. “Angel…yessssss…oh god…f-feels so good…” He grasped his cock and pumped both hands at the same time, losing himself in the sensations. Suddenly he imagined Kris’ finger in him, thrusting in and out. “Fuck!” he yelled and bit his lip, coming hard all over his hand and stomach.
Well that was unexpected. He flopped onto his side, breathing heavily and wondering if he’d ever go that far with Kris. Or even further, maybe? No, let’s not go there. Just then his phone rang and he thanked the universe for distracting him from that line of thinking. He dug his phone out of his pants pocket with his clean hand and lay back down on the couch. “Hey bro.”
“Awwww, how do you always know it’s me?”
“Because your ugly mug shows up on my phone every time you call, dork.”
“Love you, too, blockhead.” Neil had loved Charlie Brown ever since he was five.
“You know that I have to call you Lucy now.”
“Shut up. Why all you all out of breath, or do I not want to know?”
“Mmmmm, I was just thinking about my hot boyfriend before you called.”
“You’re supposed to tell me that I don’t want to know. God, the last thing I need is images of my brother jerking off.”
Adam chuckled and left the couch to clean himself up. “So, to what do I owe the pleasure, Lucy?”
“Oh, mom wanted me to tell you that have to invite Kris to Thanksgiving. Apparently neither of you gets any say in the matter.”
“Of course we don’t. Well, I’ll ask him, but he probably has plans to go home for that.” Hope not, library sex is so hot.
They chatted for a bit and Adam told Neil about quitting his job. “It’s about damn time. Honestly, you can do so much better.”
“Yeah, that’s what Kris said, too.” He rinsed his hand in the bathroom sink and mopped the cum off his belly with a rag.
Neil snorted. “I see how it is now; I’ve been telling you that for months! Jeez.”
“Well you aren’t as cute as he is.”
“Uh-huh. Well I’ve done my duty. If Kris ends up staying the night, please, for the love of god, sleep in one of the guest rooms and not your old one, which I might remind you is right on the other side of my old room, where I will be sleeping.”
“What, you don’t want to hear the sounds of passionate lovemaking coming from my boyhood bedroom?” Adam laughed and Neil groaned like he was in pain. “Oh don’t get your panties in a twist. There’s only a twin bed in there; I’m sure we’ll need more room than that.”
After hanging up with Neil, Adam decided that it was time to check the news again. Ten years ago he’d been obsessed with following the fate of his attackers and after that it had become a habit to keep up with current events. It was just one more thing that helped him feel that he was in control of his life. He threw on a pair of sweats, grabbed a bag of dried cherries to munch on and sat down just in time for the 2:00 news segment.
“Opening this hour of NewsCentral on KCAL 9 is a report that Sam Clarke, who was captured and returned to prison on Saturday, died in the prison hospital this morning.” Adam leapt up from the couch and ran to the TV until he was a foot away from it. “Sam was shot three times in the chest by police who caught him trying to force entry into an apartment building on Friday night. In other news…”
Holy fuck. Holy fucking fuck. Adam didn’t know what to feel. He dropped the bag of cherries and stood motionless in front of the TV as his mind tried to absorb the information. Suddenly he was assaulted by memories of Sam, the sweet, sexy boy he’d had a crush on since freshman year. He remembered the elation he’d felt when Sam had finally come out of the closet and asked him out three years later, his pride at having such a hot boyfriend who was so brave after struggling to come to grips with his sexuality, the thrill of their first kiss in a theater dressing room, his complete joy when Sam said he was ready to have sex and the awkwardness and intensity of their first time together… And then everything changed. Sam wanted to slow things down and they went back to kissing only. Sam recruited some other guys to join theater and they had all clicked instantly, becoming a tight circle of friends throughout their senior year. Adam was patient with Sam and knew he just needed more time to get comfortable with himself, so he waited and enjoyed the close camaraderie with his new friends. It was a month before graduation when it all happened.
“Faggot! Disgusting, fat, ugly freak!!!” No…noooooo! Adam stumbled back from the TV and clamped is hands over his ears, shaking his head vigorously. His legs hit the coffee table and he sat down hard, desperately trying to fend off the memories now. Got to try…what did Shelia say all those years ago…hot? No, that’s not it…fuck…cold, cold, yes… “Stupid fucking idiot! How could you think I would love a freak like you?” NO! He ran into the bathroom, jumped into the shower fully clothed and turned on the cold water full blast. “Shit!” he yelled as the icy jets shocked his body into the present. “God dammit! Fuck!” But it was working; the images and sounds faded away and Adam sank to the bottom of the tub, shivering and aching with cold. He turned off the water and sat there for a few more minutes just to make sure they were gone. Holy shit. I did it! I made them go away all by myself! Getting out was difficult; his clothes were heavy with water and his body was trembling violently. He shed his shirt and sweatpants and climbed out, barely making it to his bed before he passed out from exhaustion and fell asleep still soaking wet.
He woke up just thirty minutes later and pulled the blankets over his naked body, but he couldn’t go back to sleep. I can’t believe it. I actually did it and I don’t even want to fuck someone right now. It had never worked before because he’d always relied on other people in the past to help him through his flashbacks, Ali, his parents, Sheila…and he’d ended up in the hospital more times that he cared to remember. Shelia had been amazed when the flashbacks stopped abruptly after two years of struggling with them. Adam told her that he was finally using his skills, but it was a lie; what he had discovered was that they disappeared with dominating sex.
Wow. Holy fucking wow. Adam got out of bed and stood in front of the dresser mirror. He grinned at himself, feeling a swell of pride rise up at his accomplishment. Giggling, he ran naked out to the living room and snatched up his phone. He shot off two text messages, one to Ali: ‘I rule. tell u about it l8r,’ and one to Kris: ‘luv u bb. sorry 4 this morning. can u come over 2nite?’ He paced, put on some clothes and paced some more, waiting. After five minutes his phone buzzed with Kris’ response: ‘yes. call u in an hour. luv u 2.’
“Eeeee!” Adam squealed, jumping up and down. He went into his studio, switched on the mic and the speakers and started singing, “Ohhhh he’s comin’ over toniiiight, my baby he loves me and he’s so cute and sexaaaaayyyyyy…uh yeah I’m so cool and I ruuuuullle that’s right take that, and that and uh uh uhhhh you ain’t seen nothin’ yet…” He wiggled his ass and pumped his fist into the air, feeling on top of the world. After a while he settled down and found himself actually working on one of his tracks. He got into it, barely noticing that an hour had flown by and was startled when his phone rang.
“Kris! Angel, you won’t believe what happened today!!” he said immediately after answering.
“Wow! You sound so happy! What happened?”
“Well, I heard on the news today that Sam died.”
“Oh my god, are you ok?” Kris asked with concern.
“Yes! I mean, I wasn’t, but I am now. Kris, I did it! I made my flashback go away all by myself!”
“Adam! That’s incredible, baby! I mean, wow, I’m so proud of you!”
“I know right?” He bounced on his toes and grinned dopily. “So you’re really coming over later?”
“You bet. I can’t wait to congratulate you in person.”
Adam caught the hint of seduction in Kris’ tone and shivered. “Mmmm, I can’t wait either. Want to feel those gorgeous lips on mine…I can almost taste you now…”
Kris moaned softly. “Oh baby, don’t get me started. I’ve got to go to school and how would I look walking into class with a raging hard on?”
“Oh alright, I’ll take pity on you for now,” Adam chuckled. “Hey, about this morning…”
Kris was silent for a second before responding. “It’s okay, Adam. I just didn’t know what was wrong or what I should do.”
“You did the right thing. You had to go to work. I was just feeling, well, a bit overwhelmed. I’m sorry I snapped at you. But I got some things worked out at therapy today.”
“Apology accepted, beautiful. I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks! Oh, um by the way, what are your plans for Thanksgiving?”
“Well I usually go home. Why?”
Adam stuck out his bottom lip and tried not sound pouty. “My mom wanted me to invite you to our house, but you know, it’s fine if you’ve already got plans, I mean I figured you would and all--”
“Adam,” Kris said chuckling, “I am so coming to your house for Thanksgiving.”
“Really?” He squeaked, smiling like a fool.
“Yes, cutie. Besides, I’ll be home for two weeks at Christmas so they can’t complain too much. And,” he said, lowering his voice, “I really miss your library.”
“Ohhh angel, there are so many wonderful places to explore in my house…you have no idea.” Adam licked his lips, imagining fucking Kris in room after room.
“Damn,” said Kris hoarsely, “I better go before I start jerking off in public.”
“That is so fucking sexy. God, hurry up and get here already; I’m so hot for you, baby.”
“Me too, gorgeous. I love you. I’ll be there as soon as class gets out.”
“I love you, too, angel.”
Adam passed the next few hours talking to Ali. They had always been able to chat endlessly on the phone. Adam remembered how his mom used to yell at him to hang up and go to bed almost every night of the week. “Oh my god, Adam, you SO totally rule!” she said after hearing about his success.
“I love you, Ali. All these years, you’ve been the best friend I could ever want. I just want you to know how much that means to me.”
“Awww, I love you, too, puppy. Don’t make me cry, my mascara will run and I have a hot date tonight.”
“A hot date? Ooooo! Who is it?”
“Mmm, you know that sexy DJ over at Rage?”
“Holy shit, Ali, nice catch! He is smokin’!”
At 9:30, Adam sat down on his couch to watch TV so he wouldn’t start pacing again. I just know he’s looking for parking. I wonder if I can get him a parking pass to the garage? Ugh, I don’t even work at the club anymore…maybe I should move…Oh my god! He’s here! He jumped up and combed a hand through his hair, then went to the door and peeked through the peephole. Look at him, so gorgeous. My boyfriend, my lover. Adam’s heart ached with love and he was suddenly filled with desire for the man on the other side of the door.
“Sorry,” Kris said when Adam opened the door, “parking is a--”
Adam yanked him inside, shut and locked the door, and immediately crushed him to the wall, kissing him feverishly and touching, groping him everywhere.
“Mmph!” Kris threw his arms around Adam started grinding into his thigh.
“Missed you…so bad…angel…” Adam said through his frenzied kisses.
“Me…too…” Kris panted, sliding his arms down to squeeze Adam’s ass and rubbing up against him repeatedly.
They scrabbled at each other’s clothes, trying to keep their mouths together as they undressed. “Turtleneck!” So fucking hard to get off! He heard a seam or two tear before it was finally off and cast aside. “Sorry…about…” Adam made sure to grab a condom before tossing his pants.
“Don’t…care…”
Adam pulled back and stared at Kris with lusty eyes, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “So fucking hot…so sexy, I’m gonna fuck you right into this wall, rabbit.”
“Do it…do it, you beast…you sexy wolf…fuck me…” Kris growled.
I love it when he talks dirty. Adam grunted and bit him hard on the shoulder.
“Oh god…Adam, get inside me…now…” Kris pleaded, throwing his head back to expose his throat.
“Damn right I will,” Adam said, licking his bruised neck and rolling on the condom quickly. He lifted Kris right off the floor, hands under his smooth, perfect ass and slammed him up against the wall.
Kris wrapped his legs around him, pulling him even closer and whispered into his ear, “Give it to me.”
Adam kissed him dirty, sloppily licking his open mouth until he began to whine from the back of his throat. He stopped, spread Kris apart and thrust his dick through the tight muscle, knees buckling slightly at the feel of the pressure squeezing his long, thick, pulsing cock all the way down to its base. “Ohhh g--” It was so good that he just stayed there for a moment.
“Baby…move…please!” Kris begged through clenched jaws.
“Move? How about this?” he snarled, driving up fiercely and making Kris cry out. “And this? And this? Uh! Take it, take it!” Adam feasted on Kris’ flesh as he pounded into him again and again, gnawing on his shoulders and neck and pressing his fingers into the bruises on Kris’ thighs. Up and down, over and over he impaled Kris, cursing and moaning at the delicious pleasure building with every stroke.
“Adam! Ohhhhh my god…YES…more more more…” Kris moaned and tightened his sphincter, bearing down.
“FUCK! Again…again!” Adam yelled.
“You like that, you sexy beast?” Kris panted and teased. He did it again.
“GODDAMIT!” Adam couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled them away from the wall and dropped down to the ground, pinning Kris and ramming into him wildly.
Kris squeezed Adam’s cock with his muscles as hard as he could and started pumping his dick furiously, moaning and calling out Adam’s name.
Adam sped up to a feverish pace. The pleasure was so intense, building, building… faster… harder… “oh…oh…oh…ohhhhhhh YES! YES! YESSSSSSS! UHHHH!!!!” He bent Kris in half and slammed into him one last time before he came undone, managing to hold himself up the few seconds it took for Kris to fall apart. Adam ducked down and caught a tongueful of his cum as is spurted out and then collapsed to kiss him messily. They sucked on each other’s lips, swallowed and licked until it was all gone.
“Love you love you love you.” Adam whispered, wrapping his limbs tightly around Kris and rolling them to their side. He gazed into the shining eyes of his lover and felt totally blissed out.
Chapter 25