Distraction, Part 9 (Conclusion)
Title: Distraction, Part 9 (Conclusion)
Author: lilymajolis
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: R
Disclaimer: These boys do not belong to me, only to their own sweet selves. The events take place in the universe next door.
Summary: Adam loves Kris, but does he dare to tell Kris how he feels?
Notes: Wrapping up the story at last, and I want to thank everyone who has read it so far and for all the lovely comments, that have been so encouraging! I have an epilogue on the way, because it's fun to look into the future, yes? As always, comments are so *loved*...
Links to previous parts in my LJ:
Part 1: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/564.html
Part 2: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/1219.html
Part 3: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/1495.html
Part 4: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/1683.html
Part 5: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/1863.html
Part 6: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/2056.html
Part 7: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/2438.html
Part 8: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/2743.html
The fact that his nerves are stretched to the breaking point doesn’t help Adam deal patiently with the endless speculation about the “sexuality” issue, as the tabloids like to put it. His strategic decision to stay vague on the topic until after the show ends seems to have only fueled the energy around it, and he is thoroughly sick of the whole thing. He thinks about singing “A Change is Gonna Come” on finals night in a shirt emblazoned with the words “Yes, America, I like it up the ass-duh!”
He is flabbergasted by the amount of attention this is getting. It’s like high school all over again, with girls for the most part embracing him for what he is, and guys treating him as if he were radioactive. He knows that he has a huge female fan base, knows that most women don’t let reality get in the way of a good fantasy, and he has played up the sexy in his performances with them in mind.
But he is also willing to bet that a certain percentage of the men watching him perform on the show get maybe a funny idea or two in their heads as they sit on the sofa next to their wives. An idea that they would die before ever admitting, even to themselves, but hey, that little twitch in their cocks doesn’t lie, even if they pretend it never happened. So he puts a hard edge in his rock performances, just for them, and thinks about what a fucked up world it is.
With three individual songs, a group performance, and a duet to learn, Kris and Adam barely have a minute to breathe. If it wasn’t for that, Adam doesn’t know how he would survive, because the ache in his chest threatens to overwhelm him whenever he has an instant to think. Adam considers himself a pretty fair actor, but it takes every ounce of his energy to act how he imagines normal might look. He could take lessons from Kris, he thinks, watching the young man chatting and joking with the other Idols as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Adam would believe it along with everyone else if he didn’t also see how Kris collapses against the seat when the car takes them back to the mansion after rehearsals, and how his hands tremble as they rub his exhausted face.
Adam doesn’t dare say a word to him, and Kris ignores him completely and vanishes as soon as they get into the mansion. He has vacated their room for the one that he had been given a few weeks ago when enough Idols had moved out to make sharing no longer necessary. Back then, Kris had moved a few of his things into his new room, but had continued to sleep in the shared room in which they had both become so comfortable.
But the night after their last conversation, Adam had entered the bedroom to find every trace of Kris gone from it, and the bedding had been changed so there was not even the scent of Kris left on the pillow. It was as if he had never been there at all.
That night, Adam had stayed up until dawn, pounding back cups of champagne as if they were shots-it was the only alcohol he could find in the house; left over from the top two victory party. He tried to figure out what to say to Kris to help him understand why he had behaved the way he did that morning. It killed him that Kris would think that Adam didn’t care about him, or that he had just used Kris for sex. But by dawn, he had come to the realization that the way things had been left between them was actually for the best. Better for Kris to hate him and get over whatever it was he thought he felt for Adam, than for more conversation that might lead to places Adam is not willing to go. Really, he was doing Kris a favor, Adam had thought, his eyes finally closing.
*
Adam can hardly believe it is already Saturday evening. The rest of the contestants had been dismissed a couple of hours ago, after a final run-through of the group performance. The other Idols have even been granted a day off tomorrow, although Adam knows that most of them will still come in, reluctant to miss a moment of this final week together until the tour. But Kris and Adam have been kept late to rehearse the Queen number again. Under any other circumstances, Adam would have been beside himself with joy at the idea of performing with one of his favorite bands, and he has to admit that it is going to be one of the highlights of his life. But being in such close proximity to Kris is also a form of torture, and he can’t wait for the day to end.
He concentrates though, as best he can, focusing on getting the inflections just right, and watching Kris closely in order to sync their movements on stage. Their voices and styles are so different, and Adam doesn’t want to over-sing his part and make the pairing look too incongruous. So he tones it down a few notches, and is pleased to hear the praise that Kris receives for his take on the song.
Back at the mansion at last, Adam tosses and turns in bed, unable to quiet his mind, still vibrating from the frenetic pace of the day. He gives up at last, thinking that maybe getting some air might help him calm down. Adding a t-shirt to the pajama pants he is wearing, Adam wanders into the hall. There is a door downstairs that leads outside, and he heads in that direction. At first he thinks he is imagining it, but a few more steps and he definitely hears music coming from the rehearsal studio in the basement, and another few steps when he recognizes “Ain’t No Sunshine” and Kris’ voice. Drawn despite himself, Adam comes to the half-open door, stopping when he sees Kris seated at the keyboard. His back is to Adam, and only one lamp is lit in the large space. Adam knows he shouldn’t stay, but the soft voice is like a spell being cast on him, and he is powerless to move away. Kris’ shoulders sway slightly, and his delicate hands stroke over the keys as if he wants to bring them to life.
Ain’t no sunshine when you’re gone, only darkness every day
The song is one of Adam’s favorites for Kris; he had been mesmerized by the soul and passion that Kris had put into his performance on top nine week, and it had been the first time that he thought that his roommate might truly make it all the way. Listening now, it takes him a moment to realize that something is different, and realizes that Kris has replaced the word ‘she’ with ‘you’ in every line. His heart begins to pound in his chest, and he feels dizzy. He must have made some sound, because the music stops abruptly and Kris spins around to look at him. He looks as panicked as Adam feels, and they stare at each other in strained silence.
Finally Adam forces out a thin smile, hears himself saying, “You’re totally going to win with that song, Kris. Your voice is gorgeous on it.”
Kris shrugs, looks down at his hands. “Whatever. I mean… thanks.”
“It’s a little risky to change up the words...”
Kris looks back up at him, eyes narrowed. “Oh yeah? And taking risks is something that’s reserved for the great Adam Lambert, huh? Unless of course it involves talking about your feelings… which apparently is off limits!”
“Kris…”
“Or maybe there are no feelings to talk about-is that it? It’s just about sticking your dick wherever it feels good, and it doesn’t mean a fucking thing?”
“Kris, please, can we not do this?”
“What exactly are we doing, Adam? Explain to me what the fuck we’ve been doing, because I gotta admit, I’m pretty confused at this point!”
Adam seizes on the word Kris uses. “That’s it right there, Kris. This whole thing has been confusing-for me, too, but look at what you’ve been through the last few months. Far from home, this crazy show, your marriage in trouble. And it’s my fault… I know I helped create this mess. I shouldn’t have flirted with you, I shouldn’t have gotten so close to you, I should have kept my hands to myself. You’re a married man, for god’s sake, and I’ll never forgive myself for not respecting that the way I should have…”
The strange sound that comes out of Kris is laughter, Adam realizes, and he is shaking his head as if in disbelief.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Adam? You sound like Danny: ‘Watch out for that pervert-that fag’ll try to convert you if you’re not careful.’ Do you think I came here in January a hundred percent straight and then caught gayness from you like the flu?”
Kris’ voice quiets and he looks down at his clenched hands. “No, Adam, it wasn’t like that. I don’t know, maybe being around you did make me think about things differently. But they were things I’d thought about before, a long time ago, and then… decided to ignore.”
He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “You know, Andrew and I never did anything, but after he died, I realized that he’d probably been in love with me, and I kept thinking about what it might’ve been like… to be… with him in that way.”
Kris turns back to the keyboard, brushing his hands on the keys without making a sound. “I thought about it for months, but there was no one to talk to… and then I met Katy, and it was like… life was just started happening to me, without me having much say in it. I took the easy way. But I’m done doing that.”
Adam watches the light playing in Kris’ tousled hair. He knows exactly what that soft hair would feel like, what it would smell like, if he were holding Kris right now, and it makes his knees weaken to think about it. He shakes his head, hands clenching.
“OK, fine, Kris. If you’re curious… if you want to experiment, there’s nothing wrong with that. You said you’d been kissing some guys that night you came home drunk… If you really want to find out if this is what you want, you should see what’s out there…”
He stops when he sees Kris’ eyes flash again in sudden anger. Before Adam can move, Kris is flying out of his chair and his hands are on Adam’s chest and he’s pushing him hard against the wall. Kris is small but strong, and his hands clench tightly into Adam’s hair and pull him down into a rough kiss. It is hard and angry and Adam tastes blood before Kris pulls his head back to glare at him with eyes gone black and wild.
“Does this look like confusion to you, Adam? Does it feel like curiosity?” He presses himself fiercely against Adam, grinding his hardness into Adam’s crotch, and Adam feels himself respond, hears himself gasp as Kris takes his mouth again. Adam reaches for Kris’ face, but the young man pulls away, takes a step back, panting.
“I’m sorry…” Kris rakes his hands through his hair, releasing a shaking sigh.
“But I never said I had kissed any guys-I said some guys wanted to kiss me. And the one that wanted to the most ended up with a bloody lip. That’s when I realized that I didn’t want guys… I only wanted you!” He stands in front of Adam, breathing fast, anguish on his face. “That’s when I realized that I love you, Adam…”
Adam is shaking so hard that he has to hold onto the wall behind him. Kris seeks into his eyes, brings his hands to Adam’s shoulders. His voice turns soft, questioning.
“But why, Adam… why is all this about me and you haven’t said anything about yourself? I have no idea how to do this, and maybe I’m reading everything wrong, but I really thought that you cared about me… at least a little. Am I wrong?”
Adam can’t bring himself to look at Kris, closes his eyes to escape. He feels something beginning to shatter inside, and it’s all he can do to shake his head once.
“No.”
He hears Kris release a breath. “Then why are you trying so hard to push me away?”
Adam shakes his head again, unable to speak.
“Adam, look at me,” Kris demands. “Open your eyes and look at me.”
He doesn’t want to, but there is nowhere to run, and he looks at Kris’ puzzled, searching face and feels as if his very soul is being examined. And he sees Kris’ expression change, his eyes softening with sudden understanding.
“Oh my god, Adam. Are you scared?”
And that’s when everything breaks, and Adam sinks down against the wall. He hugs his legs to his chest, and his head drops to his knees, and then he is sobbing like a child. All of the tension and stress from the weeks of grueling competition, all of the pain of his turmoil over Kris, all the confusion and the misery and the fear, releases from where Adam has kept it contained and falls around him in pieces as he cries.
Kris sits beside him. He doesn’t try to stop him. He doesn’t tell him that everything is going to be ok. He only strokes Adam’s hair tenderly, and speaks his name over and over so that he can find his way back. And when Adam finally quiets and lifts his head, Kris smiles at him gently and hands him a crumpled but clean tissue, and Adam can’t help but utter a small laugh.
“Do you always carry tissues in your pocket?”
“Well, I left the lace hanky in my other pants…” Kris grins crookedly. He stands and reaches for Adam’s hand, helps him to his feet. “Come on.”
They walk in silence to Adam’s room, and Kris opens the door for him, kisses Adam on the cheek.
“Goodnight, Adam,” he whispers, and walks down the hall to his own room.
*
Before they know it, it is Tuesday, and everything seems to be moving on fast forward. Adam and Kris had started the day before dawn, and after hours of rehearsal, were back at the mansion for a couple of hours of rest before heading to the Nokia Theatre for the final performance.
By unspoken agreement, neither of them had spoken of Saturday night, but they had recaptured the easy camaraderie of their close friendship, and have helped each other survive the brutal schedule by finding the humor in their surreal situation. Adam has laughed more in the last couple of days than he ever remembers, and Kris is just as giddy. This morning, Adam’s sleep had been shattered by an unearthly animalistic scream, and he had leapt out of bed in a panic, heart pounding, only to find Kris doubled over laughing in his doorway, cell phone in hand. His friend apparently thought it was absolutely hilarious to secretly download Danny’s “Dream On” scream as the ringtone for Adam’s cell, and then to give him a call a few minutes before his alarm rang.
Of course, Adam had to pay him back, and convinced Kara to tell Kris that she had added three more verses to “No Boundaries,” building on the hurricane theme by adding earthquakes, tsunamis, and killer dust storms to the natural disasters that a person can overcome by sheer determination. Turns out that Kara has a great poker face, and she left it to Adam to rescue Kris from the slack-jawed shock her words had caused.
Now they sit at the counter in the kitchen, picking at the delicious lasagna that the chef has prepared for them because it is their favorite, but way too wired and nervous to eat. Kris’ phone rings, and he glances at the screen and flips it open.
“Hey, Katy.”
Adam moves to leave, but Kris lays his hand on Adam’s arm. Apparently Katy is doing most of the talking, and Kris nods and ‘mmm-hmms’ once in a while.
“OK, I appreciate it. See you tonight. Thank you, Katy.”
Adam doesn’t want to ask, but Kris speaks first.
“I called her a few days ago and asked for a divorce. I didn’t see the point of dragging things out with a separation when we both know there’s nothing to save.” He pokes tiny holes into the lasagna with his fork. “Turns out she’s pretty relieved at the idea of moving on, but hadn’t wanted to hurt me by asking for a divorce right away.”
Kris looks at Adam. “She’s a really good person, Adam. I’ll always care about her.”
“I know, Kris.” Adam replies, gently rubbing Kris’ back.
They go to their rooms to rest, and Adam sprawls on his bed. He realizes that his anxiety is gone, and instead he feels peaceful and focused. He thinks about how his words have come true, and how incredible it is that he and Kris have actually become the final two. He thinks back on Kris’ performances over the last ten weeks, and how the quiet unassuming singer has shown up week after week pouring his whole heart into his songs, and then has stood in front of the judges serenely as they dished out criticism and occasional faint praise. He thinks about Kris’ honesty as he has awakened to his feelings for Adam, and how unashamed he has been to own them. Sitting up and grabbing his laptop, Adam quickly types out an email.
Tonight: Vote for Kris. Don’t ask, just do it!
Love ya,
Adam
For recipients, he selects “All Contacts,” and clicks to send.
*
From backstage, Adam has watched Kris perform his first two songs, more nervous for the younger man than for himself. Adam has changed into his outfit for “No Boundaries” and is waiting for the commercial break to end when he spots Kris pacing in the hall, mouthing words silently. He looks up at Adam anxiously.
“I should’ve written the damn words on my hand! This song is ridiculous! I can’t do it…”
Adam chuckles and pulls Kris into a quick hug. “Yes, you can! You’re going to sing it, and you’re going to be great. And if you forget the words, just make some up-trust me, it can only be an improvement!”
Adam is glad to see Kris grin and relax a little. He glances around to see if anyone is near, and leans to brush a quick kiss on Kris’ mouth. “I want to talk to you after the show,” he says quietly. “Can I?”
Kris searches his eyes uncertainly, but nods in agreement. “Yeah, of course.”
The stage manager calls Adam for his entrance, and Kris gives him a little shove. “Go kill it, Adam!”
It is nearly midnight by the time the last of the other Idols finally get the hint and leave. Most of them had gone back to their hotel after the champagne had run out, but Anoop, Matt, and Allison had lingered behind with Kris and Adam, congratulating them over and over, and chattering excitedly about tomorrow’s show. They are sitting outside by the pool, Adam amused as he watches Kris growing annoyed that his giant fake yawns are having no effect on their guests. Finally Kris gives Adam a desperate look, and Adam rises quickly to announce that it’s way past their bedtime and herds the others toward the door.
Kris has stayed outside, and Adam finds that his heart is racing as he walks out to join him. There is a place at the edge of the property where the lights of the city were visible through the trees, and Kris is standing there leaning on the wall. The damp grass muffles Adam’s footsteps, but Kris turns as he draws near.
“Hi, Adam,” he smiles, but his eyes are wary.
Adam smiles back, hoping that Kris can’t see his hands trembling. “Hi, Kris.”
He pauses, knowing that Kris is waiting to hear what he will say, knowing that everything depends on this. He closes his eyes, thinks about kissing Kris for the first time, and how it felt as if he was stepping from solid ground into thin air, and he feels the same way now. And he remembers how Kris caught him as he fell.
“Kris, I need to tell you some things, and I want you to just listen, ok?”
Kris nods, biting his lip, and he looks as though he is waiting for something painful to start, and it breaks Adam’s heart to know that he has caused this hurt.
“The other night in the studio, you got one thing right and one thing wrong. What you got right, Kris, is that I’ve been… that I am scared. And I’m not used to being scared-in fact I’ve lived my life telling myself that I’m not afraid of anything. And then I meet you, and suddenly I’m afraid of everything! I’m afraid of what you might think about me, and whether you’d like me, and about the way you make me feel. And then after we were together, that’s when I got really scared. Because that’s when I realized how much you could hurt me, and I couldn’t take it.”
He stops, walks over to lean against the wall and look out over the city. “You know how people are always calling me brave? It’s bullshit, you know? I do outrageous things because that’s just what I do… because it’s fun and exciting. I’ll tell you what brave really is. It’s being scared to do something, and doing it anyway because you know that if you don’t, you’re denying who you are.”
Adam looks at Kris, who is gazing at him intently. “And Kris, you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”
Kris is about to speak, but Adam raises his hand. “No, wait. There’s one other thing. I told you that you got something wrong the other night. You said that you thought that I maybe cared about you a little. And that’s not true.”
“The truth is… that I love you, Kris… I love you so much that it scares me to death. But what scares me more is the idea of losing you because I’m too afraid of being hurt.” He doesn’t dare look at Kris, who standing very still beside him. “I’m trying to be brave…”
There is a long silence before Kris says, “Can I say something now, Adam?”
But instead of speaking, Kris moves to stand in front of Adam, looking up at him with eyes shining and filled with moonlight. And he is brushing his fingers on Adam’s cheek, and reaching up to kiss him. His fingers stroke into Adam’s hair, and his mouth is soft and warm and it feels like coming home after a long journey. Adam holds Kris in his arms, feeling his slender form curve against his own, feeling his heart beating in his chest, or maybe it is Kris’ heart-he can’t tell the difference any more.
When they stop to look into each other’s eyes for a moment, Adam smiles, blinking back tears. “Very eloquent…”
Kris gazes up at him, his arms clasped around Adam’s waist. “I can’t promise that you’ll never be hurt, Adam. But I promise that I will love you forever…”
Adam pulls him close again, feeling the heat of their bodies melting together into something new and whole. And he doesn’t care if he is falling, knowing that Kris is here to catch him. His lips seek out Kris’ once more.
“Forever is a good start…”
*****
Author: lilymajolis
Pairing: Adam/Kris
Rating: R
Disclaimer: These boys do not belong to me, only to their own sweet selves. The events take place in the universe next door.
Summary: Adam loves Kris, but does he dare to tell Kris how he feels?
Notes: Wrapping up the story at last, and I want to thank everyone who has read it so far and for all the lovely comments, that have been so encouraging! I have an epilogue on the way, because it's fun to look into the future, yes? As always, comments are so *loved*...
Links to previous parts in my LJ:
Part 1: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/564.html
Part 2: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/1219.html
Part 3: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/1495.html
Part 4: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/1683.html
Part 5: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/1863.html
Part 6: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/2056.html
Part 7: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/2438.html
Part 8: http://lilymajolis.livejournal.com/2743.html
The fact that his nerves are stretched to the breaking point doesn’t help Adam deal patiently with the endless speculation about the “sexuality” issue, as the tabloids like to put it. His strategic decision to stay vague on the topic until after the show ends seems to have only fueled the energy around it, and he is thoroughly sick of the whole thing. He thinks about singing “A Change is Gonna Come” on finals night in a shirt emblazoned with the words “Yes, America, I like it up the ass-duh!”
He is flabbergasted by the amount of attention this is getting. It’s like high school all over again, with girls for the most part embracing him for what he is, and guys treating him as if he were radioactive. He knows that he has a huge female fan base, knows that most women don’t let reality get in the way of a good fantasy, and he has played up the sexy in his performances with them in mind.
But he is also willing to bet that a certain percentage of the men watching him perform on the show get maybe a funny idea or two in their heads as they sit on the sofa next to their wives. An idea that they would die before ever admitting, even to themselves, but hey, that little twitch in their cocks doesn’t lie, even if they pretend it never happened. So he puts a hard edge in his rock performances, just for them, and thinks about what a fucked up world it is.
With three individual songs, a group performance, and a duet to learn, Kris and Adam barely have a minute to breathe. If it wasn’t for that, Adam doesn’t know how he would survive, because the ache in his chest threatens to overwhelm him whenever he has an instant to think. Adam considers himself a pretty fair actor, but it takes every ounce of his energy to act how he imagines normal might look. He could take lessons from Kris, he thinks, watching the young man chatting and joking with the other Idols as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Adam would believe it along with everyone else if he didn’t also see how Kris collapses against the seat when the car takes them back to the mansion after rehearsals, and how his hands tremble as they rub his exhausted face.
Adam doesn’t dare say a word to him, and Kris ignores him completely and vanishes as soon as they get into the mansion. He has vacated their room for the one that he had been given a few weeks ago when enough Idols had moved out to make sharing no longer necessary. Back then, Kris had moved a few of his things into his new room, but had continued to sleep in the shared room in which they had both become so comfortable.
But the night after their last conversation, Adam had entered the bedroom to find every trace of Kris gone from it, and the bedding had been changed so there was not even the scent of Kris left on the pillow. It was as if he had never been there at all.
That night, Adam had stayed up until dawn, pounding back cups of champagne as if they were shots-it was the only alcohol he could find in the house; left over from the top two victory party. He tried to figure out what to say to Kris to help him understand why he had behaved the way he did that morning. It killed him that Kris would think that Adam didn’t care about him, or that he had just used Kris for sex. But by dawn, he had come to the realization that the way things had been left between them was actually for the best. Better for Kris to hate him and get over whatever it was he thought he felt for Adam, than for more conversation that might lead to places Adam is not willing to go. Really, he was doing Kris a favor, Adam had thought, his eyes finally closing.
*
Adam can hardly believe it is already Saturday evening. The rest of the contestants had been dismissed a couple of hours ago, after a final run-through of the group performance. The other Idols have even been granted a day off tomorrow, although Adam knows that most of them will still come in, reluctant to miss a moment of this final week together until the tour. But Kris and Adam have been kept late to rehearse the Queen number again. Under any other circumstances, Adam would have been beside himself with joy at the idea of performing with one of his favorite bands, and he has to admit that it is going to be one of the highlights of his life. But being in such close proximity to Kris is also a form of torture, and he can’t wait for the day to end.
He concentrates though, as best he can, focusing on getting the inflections just right, and watching Kris closely in order to sync their movements on stage. Their voices and styles are so different, and Adam doesn’t want to over-sing his part and make the pairing look too incongruous. So he tones it down a few notches, and is pleased to hear the praise that Kris receives for his take on the song.
Back at the mansion at last, Adam tosses and turns in bed, unable to quiet his mind, still vibrating from the frenetic pace of the day. He gives up at last, thinking that maybe getting some air might help him calm down. Adding a t-shirt to the pajama pants he is wearing, Adam wanders into the hall. There is a door downstairs that leads outside, and he heads in that direction. At first he thinks he is imagining it, but a few more steps and he definitely hears music coming from the rehearsal studio in the basement, and another few steps when he recognizes “Ain’t No Sunshine” and Kris’ voice. Drawn despite himself, Adam comes to the half-open door, stopping when he sees Kris seated at the keyboard. His back is to Adam, and only one lamp is lit in the large space. Adam knows he shouldn’t stay, but the soft voice is like a spell being cast on him, and he is powerless to move away. Kris’ shoulders sway slightly, and his delicate hands stroke over the keys as if he wants to bring them to life.
Ain’t no sunshine when you’re gone, only darkness every day
The song is one of Adam’s favorites for Kris; he had been mesmerized by the soul and passion that Kris had put into his performance on top nine week, and it had been the first time that he thought that his roommate might truly make it all the way. Listening now, it takes him a moment to realize that something is different, and realizes that Kris has replaced the word ‘she’ with ‘you’ in every line. His heart begins to pound in his chest, and he feels dizzy. He must have made some sound, because the music stops abruptly and Kris spins around to look at him. He looks as panicked as Adam feels, and they stare at each other in strained silence.
Finally Adam forces out a thin smile, hears himself saying, “You’re totally going to win with that song, Kris. Your voice is gorgeous on it.”
Kris shrugs, looks down at his hands. “Whatever. I mean… thanks.”
“It’s a little risky to change up the words...”
Kris looks back up at him, eyes narrowed. “Oh yeah? And taking risks is something that’s reserved for the great Adam Lambert, huh? Unless of course it involves talking about your feelings… which apparently is off limits!”
“Kris…”
“Or maybe there are no feelings to talk about-is that it? It’s just about sticking your dick wherever it feels good, and it doesn’t mean a fucking thing?”
“Kris, please, can we not do this?”
“What exactly are we doing, Adam? Explain to me what the fuck we’ve been doing, because I gotta admit, I’m pretty confused at this point!”
Adam seizes on the word Kris uses. “That’s it right there, Kris. This whole thing has been confusing-for me, too, but look at what you’ve been through the last few months. Far from home, this crazy show, your marriage in trouble. And it’s my fault… I know I helped create this mess. I shouldn’t have flirted with you, I shouldn’t have gotten so close to you, I should have kept my hands to myself. You’re a married man, for god’s sake, and I’ll never forgive myself for not respecting that the way I should have…”
The strange sound that comes out of Kris is laughter, Adam realizes, and he is shaking his head as if in disbelief.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Adam? You sound like Danny: ‘Watch out for that pervert-that fag’ll try to convert you if you’re not careful.’ Do you think I came here in January a hundred percent straight and then caught gayness from you like the flu?”
Kris’ voice quiets and he looks down at his clenched hands. “No, Adam, it wasn’t like that. I don’t know, maybe being around you did make me think about things differently. But they were things I’d thought about before, a long time ago, and then… decided to ignore.”
He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “You know, Andrew and I never did anything, but after he died, I realized that he’d probably been in love with me, and I kept thinking about what it might’ve been like… to be… with him in that way.”
Kris turns back to the keyboard, brushing his hands on the keys without making a sound. “I thought about it for months, but there was no one to talk to… and then I met Katy, and it was like… life was just started happening to me, without me having much say in it. I took the easy way. But I’m done doing that.”
Adam watches the light playing in Kris’ tousled hair. He knows exactly what that soft hair would feel like, what it would smell like, if he were holding Kris right now, and it makes his knees weaken to think about it. He shakes his head, hands clenching.
“OK, fine, Kris. If you’re curious… if you want to experiment, there’s nothing wrong with that. You said you’d been kissing some guys that night you came home drunk… If you really want to find out if this is what you want, you should see what’s out there…”
He stops when he sees Kris’ eyes flash again in sudden anger. Before Adam can move, Kris is flying out of his chair and his hands are on Adam’s chest and he’s pushing him hard against the wall. Kris is small but strong, and his hands clench tightly into Adam’s hair and pull him down into a rough kiss. It is hard and angry and Adam tastes blood before Kris pulls his head back to glare at him with eyes gone black and wild.
“Does this look like confusion to you, Adam? Does it feel like curiosity?” He presses himself fiercely against Adam, grinding his hardness into Adam’s crotch, and Adam feels himself respond, hears himself gasp as Kris takes his mouth again. Adam reaches for Kris’ face, but the young man pulls away, takes a step back, panting.
“I’m sorry…” Kris rakes his hands through his hair, releasing a shaking sigh.
“But I never said I had kissed any guys-I said some guys wanted to kiss me. And the one that wanted to the most ended up with a bloody lip. That’s when I realized that I didn’t want guys… I only wanted you!” He stands in front of Adam, breathing fast, anguish on his face. “That’s when I realized that I love you, Adam…”
Adam is shaking so hard that he has to hold onto the wall behind him. Kris seeks into his eyes, brings his hands to Adam’s shoulders. His voice turns soft, questioning.
“But why, Adam… why is all this about me and you haven’t said anything about yourself? I have no idea how to do this, and maybe I’m reading everything wrong, but I really thought that you cared about me… at least a little. Am I wrong?”
Adam can’t bring himself to look at Kris, closes his eyes to escape. He feels something beginning to shatter inside, and it’s all he can do to shake his head once.
“No.”
He hears Kris release a breath. “Then why are you trying so hard to push me away?”
Adam shakes his head again, unable to speak.
“Adam, look at me,” Kris demands. “Open your eyes and look at me.”
He doesn’t want to, but there is nowhere to run, and he looks at Kris’ puzzled, searching face and feels as if his very soul is being examined. And he sees Kris’ expression change, his eyes softening with sudden understanding.
“Oh my god, Adam. Are you scared?”
And that’s when everything breaks, and Adam sinks down against the wall. He hugs his legs to his chest, and his head drops to his knees, and then he is sobbing like a child. All of the tension and stress from the weeks of grueling competition, all of the pain of his turmoil over Kris, all the confusion and the misery and the fear, releases from where Adam has kept it contained and falls around him in pieces as he cries.
Kris sits beside him. He doesn’t try to stop him. He doesn’t tell him that everything is going to be ok. He only strokes Adam’s hair tenderly, and speaks his name over and over so that he can find his way back. And when Adam finally quiets and lifts his head, Kris smiles at him gently and hands him a crumpled but clean tissue, and Adam can’t help but utter a small laugh.
“Do you always carry tissues in your pocket?”
“Well, I left the lace hanky in my other pants…” Kris grins crookedly. He stands and reaches for Adam’s hand, helps him to his feet. “Come on.”
They walk in silence to Adam’s room, and Kris opens the door for him, kisses Adam on the cheek.
“Goodnight, Adam,” he whispers, and walks down the hall to his own room.
*
Before they know it, it is Tuesday, and everything seems to be moving on fast forward. Adam and Kris had started the day before dawn, and after hours of rehearsal, were back at the mansion for a couple of hours of rest before heading to the Nokia Theatre for the final performance.
By unspoken agreement, neither of them had spoken of Saturday night, but they had recaptured the easy camaraderie of their close friendship, and have helped each other survive the brutal schedule by finding the humor in their surreal situation. Adam has laughed more in the last couple of days than he ever remembers, and Kris is just as giddy. This morning, Adam’s sleep had been shattered by an unearthly animalistic scream, and he had leapt out of bed in a panic, heart pounding, only to find Kris doubled over laughing in his doorway, cell phone in hand. His friend apparently thought it was absolutely hilarious to secretly download Danny’s “Dream On” scream as the ringtone for Adam’s cell, and then to give him a call a few minutes before his alarm rang.
Of course, Adam had to pay him back, and convinced Kara to tell Kris that she had added three more verses to “No Boundaries,” building on the hurricane theme by adding earthquakes, tsunamis, and killer dust storms to the natural disasters that a person can overcome by sheer determination. Turns out that Kara has a great poker face, and she left it to Adam to rescue Kris from the slack-jawed shock her words had caused.
Now they sit at the counter in the kitchen, picking at the delicious lasagna that the chef has prepared for them because it is their favorite, but way too wired and nervous to eat. Kris’ phone rings, and he glances at the screen and flips it open.
“Hey, Katy.”
Adam moves to leave, but Kris lays his hand on Adam’s arm. Apparently Katy is doing most of the talking, and Kris nods and ‘mmm-hmms’ once in a while.
“OK, I appreciate it. See you tonight. Thank you, Katy.”
Adam doesn’t want to ask, but Kris speaks first.
“I called her a few days ago and asked for a divorce. I didn’t see the point of dragging things out with a separation when we both know there’s nothing to save.” He pokes tiny holes into the lasagna with his fork. “Turns out she’s pretty relieved at the idea of moving on, but hadn’t wanted to hurt me by asking for a divorce right away.”
Kris looks at Adam. “She’s a really good person, Adam. I’ll always care about her.”
“I know, Kris.” Adam replies, gently rubbing Kris’ back.
They go to their rooms to rest, and Adam sprawls on his bed. He realizes that his anxiety is gone, and instead he feels peaceful and focused. He thinks about how his words have come true, and how incredible it is that he and Kris have actually become the final two. He thinks back on Kris’ performances over the last ten weeks, and how the quiet unassuming singer has shown up week after week pouring his whole heart into his songs, and then has stood in front of the judges serenely as they dished out criticism and occasional faint praise. He thinks about Kris’ honesty as he has awakened to his feelings for Adam, and how unashamed he has been to own them. Sitting up and grabbing his laptop, Adam quickly types out an email.
Tonight: Vote for Kris. Don’t ask, just do it!
Love ya,
Adam
For recipients, he selects “All Contacts,” and clicks to send.
*
From backstage, Adam has watched Kris perform his first two songs, more nervous for the younger man than for himself. Adam has changed into his outfit for “No Boundaries” and is waiting for the commercial break to end when he spots Kris pacing in the hall, mouthing words silently. He looks up at Adam anxiously.
“I should’ve written the damn words on my hand! This song is ridiculous! I can’t do it…”
Adam chuckles and pulls Kris into a quick hug. “Yes, you can! You’re going to sing it, and you’re going to be great. And if you forget the words, just make some up-trust me, it can only be an improvement!”
Adam is glad to see Kris grin and relax a little. He glances around to see if anyone is near, and leans to brush a quick kiss on Kris’ mouth. “I want to talk to you after the show,” he says quietly. “Can I?”
Kris searches his eyes uncertainly, but nods in agreement. “Yeah, of course.”
The stage manager calls Adam for his entrance, and Kris gives him a little shove. “Go kill it, Adam!”
It is nearly midnight by the time the last of the other Idols finally get the hint and leave. Most of them had gone back to their hotel after the champagne had run out, but Anoop, Matt, and Allison had lingered behind with Kris and Adam, congratulating them over and over, and chattering excitedly about tomorrow’s show. They are sitting outside by the pool, Adam amused as he watches Kris growing annoyed that his giant fake yawns are having no effect on their guests. Finally Kris gives Adam a desperate look, and Adam rises quickly to announce that it’s way past their bedtime and herds the others toward the door.
Kris has stayed outside, and Adam finds that his heart is racing as he walks out to join him. There is a place at the edge of the property where the lights of the city were visible through the trees, and Kris is standing there leaning on the wall. The damp grass muffles Adam’s footsteps, but Kris turns as he draws near.
“Hi, Adam,” he smiles, but his eyes are wary.
Adam smiles back, hoping that Kris can’t see his hands trembling. “Hi, Kris.”
He pauses, knowing that Kris is waiting to hear what he will say, knowing that everything depends on this. He closes his eyes, thinks about kissing Kris for the first time, and how it felt as if he was stepping from solid ground into thin air, and he feels the same way now. And he remembers how Kris caught him as he fell.
“Kris, I need to tell you some things, and I want you to just listen, ok?”
Kris nods, biting his lip, and he looks as though he is waiting for something painful to start, and it breaks Adam’s heart to know that he has caused this hurt.
“The other night in the studio, you got one thing right and one thing wrong. What you got right, Kris, is that I’ve been… that I am scared. And I’m not used to being scared-in fact I’ve lived my life telling myself that I’m not afraid of anything. And then I meet you, and suddenly I’m afraid of everything! I’m afraid of what you might think about me, and whether you’d like me, and about the way you make me feel. And then after we were together, that’s when I got really scared. Because that’s when I realized how much you could hurt me, and I couldn’t take it.”
He stops, walks over to lean against the wall and look out over the city. “You know how people are always calling me brave? It’s bullshit, you know? I do outrageous things because that’s just what I do… because it’s fun and exciting. I’ll tell you what brave really is. It’s being scared to do something, and doing it anyway because you know that if you don’t, you’re denying who you are.”
Adam looks at Kris, who is gazing at him intently. “And Kris, you’re the bravest person I’ve ever met.”
Kris is about to speak, but Adam raises his hand. “No, wait. There’s one other thing. I told you that you got something wrong the other night. You said that you thought that I maybe cared about you a little. And that’s not true.”
“The truth is… that I love you, Kris… I love you so much that it scares me to death. But what scares me more is the idea of losing you because I’m too afraid of being hurt.” He doesn’t dare look at Kris, who standing very still beside him. “I’m trying to be brave…”
There is a long silence before Kris says, “Can I say something now, Adam?”
But instead of speaking, Kris moves to stand in front of Adam, looking up at him with eyes shining and filled with moonlight. And he is brushing his fingers on Adam’s cheek, and reaching up to kiss him. His fingers stroke into Adam’s hair, and his mouth is soft and warm and it feels like coming home after a long journey. Adam holds Kris in his arms, feeling his slender form curve against his own, feeling his heart beating in his chest, or maybe it is Kris’ heart-he can’t tell the difference any more.
When they stop to look into each other’s eyes for a moment, Adam smiles, blinking back tears. “Very eloquent…”
Kris gazes up at him, his arms clasped around Adam’s waist. “I can’t promise that you’ll never be hurt, Adam. But I promise that I will love you forever…”
Adam pulls him close again, feeling the heat of their bodies melting together into something new and whole. And he doesn’t care if he is falling, knowing that Kris is here to catch him. His lips seek out Kris’ once more.
“Forever is a good start…”
*****