First Time Poster!
Title: My Pessimistic Brain
Author: totallytamara
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with American Idol or the contestants portrayed in this story. I do not own them. This is purely a work of fiction and is profitless. No harm intended.
Notes: Hi, everyone! This is my first Kradam fic and my first post here, so please let me know what you think! Constructive criticism is the best, so please be honest. Thank you so much for checking out my story, and I hope you enjoy it!
I tried so hard to concentrate on the lasagna below my fork, but it just wasn’t working. Every few seconds my eyes would leave the plate and, from under my eyelashes, I would watch him. He was so beautiful. The way he was oblivious to everything, his only concern to be involved in the joke that Matt was telling, was just so damn charming. Then, he laughed. Oh, that laugh. It kills me every time.
From across the table, his gaze met mine, and I looked away quickly, once again staring at the mashed up mess on my plate. I scooped some of the lasagna onto my fork and chewed carefully. Chew, then swallow. Chew, then swallow. Thinking about every miniscule action was the only thing I could do to prevent myself from looking back up at him. It was too hard, seeing him there, just out of my grasp. It would always be like that.
“Adam, what’s the matter?” a voice asks, breaking the “chew, swallow” chant echoing in my mind. I look up to see Lil watching me with concern. I finish the last bit of lasagna in my mouth and then put on the most convincing smile I can muster.
“Oh, you know. Just trying to savour this amazing lasagna. You’re a fantastic cook,” I answer, winking at Lil. She giggles and then turns her attention to Anoop who’s discussing something I don’t even care to hear about. All I can do is steal a glance at him from across the dining room table.
Staring at him, my mind quickly gets to fantasizing, like it has the tenancy to do. I’m crawling up onto the table, the plates that once sat upon it vanishing. Everybody is gone except for him and I. Slowly, I crawl closer, slinking towards him on all fours. He has this grin on his face like he knows what’s coming. Expecting it. Like he’s going to fully enjoy it. Then, finally, I get to him. I hop onto his lap and carefully, my face creeps towards his until our lips are touching. We kiss so passionately that I can immediately feel myself starting to lose control. But in the back of my mind, I know that I can never get too wild with him. He’s too delicate. I have to be careful. So I get off his lap and walk back to my place at the table. And just like that, the plates and the people reappear. We’re no longer alone.
We finish our dinner and everyone pitches in with the clean-up. Everyone decides to watch a movie, but I elect to go to bed. I just can’t deal with watching him be so carefree, so unaware. I need to be alone with my thoughts. I tell the group that I’m going to hit the hay, and I’m met with outrage.
“What?! You’re going to bed? It’s only 9:30! You’re such a pansy!” Allison cries.
“Are you feeling okay, sweetie? Do we need to call a doctor? You’re not acting like yourself,” Lil, always the mother figure, asks.
“Dude, you can’t miss the movie! We were gonna make popcorn and everything! And have ice-cream! You’re totally missing out, man!” Matt tries to coax me into joining them, playing the we-know-you-love-ice-cream-don’t-deny-it card. I just shake my head, explain to Allison that it’s okay to go to bed at 9:30, tell Lil that I’m feeling fine, just tired, and threaten Matt with extreme amounts of pain if he eats all the ice-cream. The group laughs at my remark to Matt, and I try to join in, but it just isn’t any use. I say goodnight to all of them and, slowly, begin trudging up the stairs.
I enter the room that he and I share, examining the pinkish-white walls and the floral bedspreads. His bed is made, mine is a complete mess. We’re polar opposites in every way. Yet, I still feel this ache. This hunger. And it’s all for him. And I can try, try with all my might to deny it, to will it away, but it won’t go. The way I feel about him is different than anything I’ve ever felt before. I feel like I need to be with him more than I need the air I breathe. I need him more than food or water or anything else. I need him. But I can never have him. Sighing as the thought sinks in, I lay on my bed, just wishing my mind would shut up. Things would be so much easier if I just couldn’t think anymore.
As I stare up at the ceiling, contemplating life and how much easier things would have been if I never entered this competition, never met him, the door clicks open. I don’t even bother to avert my gaze to see who entered. There was no need. Immediately after the door shut, my pulse quickened and my breathing became sharp. That only happens with one person. It was him.
“Hey,” he says softly, taking a seat on the edge of my bed. He puts his hand on my foot, the body part of mine that is closest to him. He doesn’t do it in a loving way. It’s in a friendly way.
“Hey,” I reply, still looking up at the ceiling.
“You okay?” he asks. I know he’s looking at me with such confusion, and it kills me to not be able to explain myself. To not be able to let him in. To keep it all bottled up.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answer.
That’s always my answer. I can’t tell him the truth. I can’t respond, “No, I’m not alright. I’m so in love with you that every fiber of my being aches whenever I see you, and I know that I can’t be with you, but I still want it with all I’ve got. And it pisses me off beyond belief that you’re so oblivious, that you can’t even see how much I love you. You can’t even tell. How can’t you see it, Kris? Why can’t you acknowledge it? Why can’t you acknowledge how much I love you? I’m not going to pretend like we stand a chance, ‘cause I know it can never happen. And that’s okay; I’ve had my heart broken before. I’ll live, not having you. But I don’t want to live without you. Give me a shot. I promise, I won’t let you down. You won’t regret this. You won’t regret giving yourself up to me. I swear.”
But I couldn’t say that, now could I? Everything I’ve worked so hard to sustain would be in jeopardy. I’ve tried to control myself. And I know that I can’t be honest with him, even though my heart is screaming, “Adam, tell him! You never know, he might feel the same!” But that’s just my optimistic heart playing tricks on me. The optimism is what usually gets me hurt. So instead, I’ll listen to my pessimistic brain. At least if I keep it all inside, I won’t have to deal with the heartache of losing him as my best friend. I guess that’s all we’ll ever be. Best friends. And although it hurts like hell to know that I’ll never get to be with him the way I want to be, it’s okay. Just to have him in my life, just to be able to talk to him and share stories with him and laugh with him, is worth not having him to call my own. He’s my best friend, and as much as I hate that that’s all we’ll ever be, I’ll just have to deal. When you love someone, you have to let them go, right?
I look away from the ceiling and sit up on the bed, my eyes now on him. His face seems pretty composed, but his eyes are like the windows to his soul. I can tell exactly what he’s feeling. He feels confused and scared. He’s wondering what happened to his best friend. He’s afraid that I might have the swine flu. I chuckle quietly at that thought, and instantly, a brilliant smile lights up his face. I smile back, my heart twisting into knots that will be completely impossible to untie. I close my eyes, still grinning back at him, trying to commit his smile to memory. After all, the competition has to end at some point, and I never, ever, ever want to forget the way Kris Allen makes me feel. I can’t forget it. I won’t forget it. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And even though a relationship isn’t in the cards for us, I’ll still never regret taking a chance and coming here. Even if I don’t win, the memories that I’ll always have of him are a big enough prize for me.
Author: totallytamara
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with American Idol or the contestants portrayed in this story. I do not own them. This is purely a work of fiction and is profitless. No harm intended.
Notes: Hi, everyone! This is my first Kradam fic and my first post here, so please let me know what you think! Constructive criticism is the best, so please be honest. Thank you so much for checking out my story, and I hope you enjoy it!
I tried so hard to concentrate on the lasagna below my fork, but it just wasn’t working. Every few seconds my eyes would leave the plate and, from under my eyelashes, I would watch him. He was so beautiful. The way he was oblivious to everything, his only concern to be involved in the joke that Matt was telling, was just so damn charming. Then, he laughed. Oh, that laugh. It kills me every time.
From across the table, his gaze met mine, and I looked away quickly, once again staring at the mashed up mess on my plate. I scooped some of the lasagna onto my fork and chewed carefully. Chew, then swallow. Chew, then swallow. Thinking about every miniscule action was the only thing I could do to prevent myself from looking back up at him. It was too hard, seeing him there, just out of my grasp. It would always be like that.
“Adam, what’s the matter?” a voice asks, breaking the “chew, swallow” chant echoing in my mind. I look up to see Lil watching me with concern. I finish the last bit of lasagna in my mouth and then put on the most convincing smile I can muster.
“Oh, you know. Just trying to savour this amazing lasagna. You’re a fantastic cook,” I answer, winking at Lil. She giggles and then turns her attention to Anoop who’s discussing something I don’t even care to hear about. All I can do is steal a glance at him from across the dining room table.
Staring at him, my mind quickly gets to fantasizing, like it has the tenancy to do. I’m crawling up onto the table, the plates that once sat upon it vanishing. Everybody is gone except for him and I. Slowly, I crawl closer, slinking towards him on all fours. He has this grin on his face like he knows what’s coming. Expecting it. Like he’s going to fully enjoy it. Then, finally, I get to him. I hop onto his lap and carefully, my face creeps towards his until our lips are touching. We kiss so passionately that I can immediately feel myself starting to lose control. But in the back of my mind, I know that I can never get too wild with him. He’s too delicate. I have to be careful. So I get off his lap and walk back to my place at the table. And just like that, the plates and the people reappear. We’re no longer alone.
We finish our dinner and everyone pitches in with the clean-up. Everyone decides to watch a movie, but I elect to go to bed. I just can’t deal with watching him be so carefree, so unaware. I need to be alone with my thoughts. I tell the group that I’m going to hit the hay, and I’m met with outrage.
“What?! You’re going to bed? It’s only 9:30! You’re such a pansy!” Allison cries.
“Are you feeling okay, sweetie? Do we need to call a doctor? You’re not acting like yourself,” Lil, always the mother figure, asks.
“Dude, you can’t miss the movie! We were gonna make popcorn and everything! And have ice-cream! You’re totally missing out, man!” Matt tries to coax me into joining them, playing the we-know-you-love-ice-cream-don’t-deny-it card. I just shake my head, explain to Allison that it’s okay to go to bed at 9:30, tell Lil that I’m feeling fine, just tired, and threaten Matt with extreme amounts of pain if he eats all the ice-cream. The group laughs at my remark to Matt, and I try to join in, but it just isn’t any use. I say goodnight to all of them and, slowly, begin trudging up the stairs.
I enter the room that he and I share, examining the pinkish-white walls and the floral bedspreads. His bed is made, mine is a complete mess. We’re polar opposites in every way. Yet, I still feel this ache. This hunger. And it’s all for him. And I can try, try with all my might to deny it, to will it away, but it won’t go. The way I feel about him is different than anything I’ve ever felt before. I feel like I need to be with him more than I need the air I breathe. I need him more than food or water or anything else. I need him. But I can never have him. Sighing as the thought sinks in, I lay on my bed, just wishing my mind would shut up. Things would be so much easier if I just couldn’t think anymore.
As I stare up at the ceiling, contemplating life and how much easier things would have been if I never entered this competition, never met him, the door clicks open. I don’t even bother to avert my gaze to see who entered. There was no need. Immediately after the door shut, my pulse quickened and my breathing became sharp. That only happens with one person. It was him.
“Hey,” he says softly, taking a seat on the edge of my bed. He puts his hand on my foot, the body part of mine that is closest to him. He doesn’t do it in a loving way. It’s in a friendly way.
“Hey,” I reply, still looking up at the ceiling.
“You okay?” he asks. I know he’s looking at me with such confusion, and it kills me to not be able to explain myself. To not be able to let him in. To keep it all bottled up.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I answer.
That’s always my answer. I can’t tell him the truth. I can’t respond, “No, I’m not alright. I’m so in love with you that every fiber of my being aches whenever I see you, and I know that I can’t be with you, but I still want it with all I’ve got. And it pisses me off beyond belief that you’re so oblivious, that you can’t even see how much I love you. You can’t even tell. How can’t you see it, Kris? Why can’t you acknowledge it? Why can’t you acknowledge how much I love you? I’m not going to pretend like we stand a chance, ‘cause I know it can never happen. And that’s okay; I’ve had my heart broken before. I’ll live, not having you. But I don’t want to live without you. Give me a shot. I promise, I won’t let you down. You won’t regret this. You won’t regret giving yourself up to me. I swear.”
But I couldn’t say that, now could I? Everything I’ve worked so hard to sustain would be in jeopardy. I’ve tried to control myself. And I know that I can’t be honest with him, even though my heart is screaming, “Adam, tell him! You never know, he might feel the same!” But that’s just my optimistic heart playing tricks on me. The optimism is what usually gets me hurt. So instead, I’ll listen to my pessimistic brain. At least if I keep it all inside, I won’t have to deal with the heartache of losing him as my best friend. I guess that’s all we’ll ever be. Best friends. And although it hurts like hell to know that I’ll never get to be with him the way I want to be, it’s okay. Just to have him in my life, just to be able to talk to him and share stories with him and laugh with him, is worth not having him to call my own. He’s my best friend, and as much as I hate that that’s all we’ll ever be, I’ll just have to deal. When you love someone, you have to let them go, right?
I look away from the ceiling and sit up on the bed, my eyes now on him. His face seems pretty composed, but his eyes are like the windows to his soul. I can tell exactly what he’s feeling. He feels confused and scared. He’s wondering what happened to his best friend. He’s afraid that I might have the swine flu. I chuckle quietly at that thought, and instantly, a brilliant smile lights up his face. I smile back, my heart twisting into knots that will be completely impossible to untie. I close my eyes, still grinning back at him, trying to commit his smile to memory. After all, the competition has to end at some point, and I never, ever, ever want to forget the way Kris Allen makes me feel. I can’t forget it. I won’t forget it. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And even though a relationship isn’t in the cards for us, I’ll still never regret taking a chance and coming here. Even if I don’t win, the memories that I’ll always have of him are a big enough prize for me.