Observation of a Parent/Foster Parent
Okay, we've had our newest foster daughter with us for nearing two weeks. She's doing amazing here. My kids love her, we think she's great, and she is really feeling at home. School...not so good...but the kinks will smooth out. I hope.
Something I've observed many times over the past 10 years: there are professionals (teachers, therapists, caseworkers, foster parents, and so on) who look at children in the system and pity them. They give allowances for their behavior if it is bad. Meaning, they give the children an excuse to act like jerks when they are hurting. They tell the kids they have every right to feel and act that way. They allow them to say hurtful things to others, break things, and essentially become just as bad as those who harmed them. Then they baby the kids...essentially rewarding the poor behavior. *AAAAHHH* I have to bite my lip when I see people doing this when I am working with a kid and teaching them the opposite...and they are doing better. Whatever happened to actions=consequenses? Isn't that why they are in care?
I am among the professionals who want to turn the victims of abuse to survivors and ultimately into thrivers. Why? I know they are hurting, but why make another victim? Why make a child seek attention when they are acting out? Why make them feel the world owes them something when life has flipped upside down? Life does that. It will continue to do that. I promise, it does. Yes, it's not their fault. Yes, I do feel for them and make some allowances in my head--meaning I look for reasonings...but no excuses. I'm not heartless, in fact, I am very compassionate, but very straightforward. My thinking is that I want these kids to look inside themselves and find their strengths. What do they have to give to the world now that they have been through this? I'm there to hug, but talk it through, rationally...not watch as they scream and punch another kid who then gets angry at the world. I want them to see what made them strong enough to get through it? What can they share with others who are hurting? How, now, are they more able to survive the next winds when they blow?
Any thoughts?
Something I've observed many times over the past 10 years: there are professionals (teachers, therapists, caseworkers, foster parents, and so on) who look at children in the system and pity them. They give allowances for their behavior if it is bad. Meaning, they give the children an excuse to act like jerks when they are hurting. They tell the kids they have every right to feel and act that way. They allow them to say hurtful things to others, break things, and essentially become just as bad as those who harmed them. Then they baby the kids...essentially rewarding the poor behavior. *AAAAHHH* I have to bite my lip when I see people doing this when I am working with a kid and teaching them the opposite...and they are doing better. Whatever happened to actions=consequenses? Isn't that why they are in care?
I am among the professionals who want to turn the victims of abuse to survivors and ultimately into thrivers. Why? I know they are hurting, but why make another victim? Why make a child seek attention when they are acting out? Why make them feel the world owes them something when life has flipped upside down? Life does that. It will continue to do that. I promise, it does. Yes, it's not their fault. Yes, I do feel for them and make some allowances in my head--meaning I look for reasonings...but no excuses. I'm not heartless, in fact, I am very compassionate, but very straightforward. My thinking is that I want these kids to look inside themselves and find their strengths. What do they have to give to the world now that they have been through this? I'm there to hug, but talk it through, rationally...not watch as they scream and punch another kid who then gets angry at the world. I want them to see what made them strong enough to get through it? What can they share with others who are hurting? How, now, are they more able to survive the next winds when they blow?
Any thoughts?